some thoughts about Connecticut...

my love is out. he's attending a class, so i have a little time alone.
i watched a movie this morning.

it's called Beautiful Boy.
it's about a couple who's marriage is falling apart.
then their son is the shooter at a university, who is also killed.
the movie is about how they cope with it.

after the movie, i looked at facebook.
everyone is blowing up with thoughts going out to the Connecticut shooting at an elementary school.
i saw this comment that talked about the parents of the shooter:

"The guns are NOT the problem- crazy people being raised by unfit/disconnected parents are the problem!! You can't blame the tool or device that criminals use to commit crimes- blame the criminals and the society they have grown up in."

Crazy people being raised by unfit/disconnected parents?
um, excuse me?
did you really just mindlessly blame the parents of someone you've never even met?
how do you know they were unfit or disconnected?
blame the shooter, fine. but don't blame his parents. they didn't make him do it.
and you couldn't possibly know that they weren't there for their son, that they didn't love and support him, and try to help him in every way they possibly could.

in addition to all the parents, friends, etc. who lost their children and teachers today, there is also a mom and dad who no longer get their son, and who will not only mourn the loss of their son, but who will also have to deal with those comments from strangers, when they're already asking themselves..."Why? What more could we have done to prevent our son from doing this?"

Don't judge them...please, don't judge his parents.
no parent gets to make decisions for their child after a certain point...
my poor parents wish every day they could make decisions for me.
but, i'm an adult.
i get to make the decision.
and i LOVE that my sweet parents support the choices i make, though they might not agree with them.

parents are amazing. they do their best, and eventually they let us go out into the world to make our own choices. and they keep loving us.
so, don't judge them.

a flashback...

so, i found this little gem today...
Click here.

this is a letter i wrote almost two years ago to my FEC.
future eternal companion is what that stands for.

i wrote it before i met the man of my dreams.
he wasn't even a thought on my mind, just a dream for the future.

he came into my life 7 and a half months later.
it was a silly little line that started it all.
"now you can say you pounded a hot girl."
(sometimes i say things that are really inappropriate. get over it.)

we had a crazy year.
and then we said good-bye.
a couple months later, we took back good-bye and started a new adventure.
now we're in love.

i miss my Andrew something fierce.
(Handy Manny, as you might know him.)
there's nothing worse in the entire world than knowing that he's mine and that i still can't have him.
this long-distance thing is the pits...

but i'll be in his arms in five short days.
tomorrow when i wake up, it will just be four.
it seems do-able, though i know i'm not going to want to get on the plane to come back.

he's become my world and all my dreams.
life without him is a life i can't consider anymore.
i love him clear to the depths of my heart. i hope he knows it.
i love him when he's happy. and when he's sad. when he's grumpy, and when he's a tease.
i just love him.

so, when i re-read that letter today, i just had to smile.
i wrote it before we even met, but it feels like even then, it was him.
and maybe it's always been him. i sure hope that it always will be...
so, Andrew, you can't take it back...you already said yes.

and, if you're a bird, i'm a bird.
i love you, Mr. Self...see you next week! :)

jumping in.

so, Handy Manny is my man. it's official.
like facebook official, which is how you know it's legit! ;)
it absolutely sucks that he's 9 hours away.
i wish he were closer to hold me. i wish i could cook for him.
we skype all the time so we aren't missing too many details.
it's not the same as being with him, but at least i get to see him.

i'm taking a trip to see him in a few weeks.
he's graduating, which is such a huge accomplishment.
i couldn't be more proud of him.
if anyone has graduation gift ideas that are super cheap, holla at your girl!
with Christmas in a month, i'm definitely thinking thrifty!
not to mention getting him something for Christmas.

Handy Manny, if you're reading this, do me a favor and don't graduate in December ever again! :)
also, i'm going to cheese it completely and just say i think you're the cutest.
right now, you're gaming with some buddies. completely geeking it out, and i can't stop smiling and just wishing i were there to fall asleep on you after losing interest in a game i probably won't ever be able to play.
a year of not seeing you when you deploy is going to be rough. good thing you're worth it! :)

in other news,
it's almost 2 a.m. i'm NEVER up this late, which probably explains the goofy, unorganized post.
i'm home all alone this weekend, but i'm working a ton at ColdStone. it is my favorite place, but i'm not young like i used to be. LOL!!!! that is such a joke, but i really feel like i'm struggling.
apparently taking most of the year off was bad for my muscles.

i'm super craving a glass of milk.
and indian food. which, i'm making with James, Mandy, and Jordan on Monday.
Mandy's leaving us for the SLC, so we're having one last dinner.
well, it better not be the last! it's just the last one that will be easy to plan.

As of Monday, I'll be working all three jobs like a mad woman, so cross your fingers i can make it through a couple months of crazy. i always seem to do fine, but when you add the three jobs to the other things i'm working around like the chiropractor, donating plasma, and trying to squeeze in trips to the gym, it might get a little crazy.

anyone have a blog post idea for me? i've been running low on thoughts and my life is boring as of late. just taking it all one day of time, being happy to have Handy Manny back in my life, for real this time, and enjoying the small things before it's time to sweat the larger ones.
all in good time, right?
at the beginning of the year, i'll worry about getting ready for school.
for now, i'm going to love on my family and my man.
i'm going to enjoy the holidays.
and try to lose the pounds i've gained since i've been home.
not an easy feat, i imagine, as it's now the holiday season of fatty pandas...

the quirk...

i am the jumpiest human of all time.
no kidding.
today at work, SIX PEOPLE made me almost jump outta my skin...

they all laugh. hysterically.
i smile a little and go back to my desk to nurse my high blood pressure.
it's probably not okay.

my neck is ticklish. but not like ticklish like, run your fingers over it and i'll giggle sweetly.
no, no, no. that would be fine.
it's like, if you poke it my whole body has a spaz attack.
gentle pokes, harder pokes. just pokes.
and if there are crinkly noises around my neck, same thing...it's involuntary. i swear.

i painted my nails tonight because i was sad and needed cuddling.
next best thing, right? they're smokin' hot. lol. that's the shade. it's essie. my one true love.
i spend fortunes on nail polish. i won't apologize.

speaking of apologizing, listen to this. it rocks the socks off the original!
i listen to it on repeat at work. it makes me hate my dumb job a little less.

oh, life.

my back is back to bad.
it hasn't been this bad in....months?
definitely time to see my favorite human, the chiropractor.
i could also use a massage, but who has the time?

i've spent the entire weekend at home, which has been good.
i don't relax enough, so it was good to slow it all down and regroup.
i painted my nails.
i baked.
i read books. which i love to do. and will absolutely be making more time for.
i did yoga.
i went to a spin class.
i had time to set my priorities.

that being said, i'm such a mess.
everything about me is a contradiction to something else about me.
i'm completely unsure of what to do with my life.
i know i'm going to school here at USU.
spring semester or wait until fall? who knows.
no, i'm not talking about the where to go choices.

i mean the things that make me a good person. the things that determine how my life ends up.
do i continue to be a good mormon, even though there are things i don't agree with, things that don't make sense, and that make me not want to be a good mormon? or do i overlook those things, find a nice boy to settle down with, and live happily ever after as a relief society president soccer mom? it sounds okay to me.

right now i'm torn.
i really like being bad. sinning is obviously something i'm familiar with.
being good kinda sucks. it doesn't make me any happier, as far as i can tell, however, it is a little bit more in line with how i want my life to go.
but, yeah. i don't know.
doesn't help when people are so quick to judge me. like they don't have skeletons in their own closets...
do i sound a little bitter there? oh, that would be because i am.
there's nothing more i hate than being treated like less of a person because i've made mistakes. don't pull your holier-than-thou attitude with me...it really just makes you seem scared that perhaps i actually am happy, that perhaps it would be okay to live life in a way that you deem sinful, heaven forbid.

probably isn't even appropriate to post this blog, as it's just a view into my crazy mixed up brain.
until i figure it out, i will attend church. i will be the poster child of a good little LDS girl.
i'm just saying, maybe this isn't the only way to be happy...

ugh. my back really hurts.
and that's probably why i'm such a basket case...
i don't deal with agony very well.

so here's the thing...

first things first, i'm a grown up. i've lived alone. taken care of myself, and i feel i've proven that i can make choices for myself and live with the consequences, no matter what they may be.

that being said, let me explain my reasoning behind allowing Handy Manny back into my life.
this requires a little backtracking...

when we met, i started flying out there. he came out here once.
he made it very clear he didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else from the time we started talking.

he told me even before i moved to Denver that we weren't going to be together.

he told me not to move to denver for him.
i assured him that i wasn't.

he told me not to fall for him.
i assured him that i wouldn't. i also told him he shouldn't fall for me either.

i moved to denver. and we got really close.
he kept saying he didn't want a relationship with me, that i should date other people.
he dated other people. so did i, but i still hoped we'd be together.

i never told him how i felt. i never told him that i was moving to Denver because i wanted to be with him. i never told him that i wanted a relationship with him, that i was falling in love with him.
i told everyone else, but never him.
and i didn't tell him because i didn't think it would have made a difference.
who knows now if it would have? there's no point to speculating over what might have been.

aside from the part where i was in love with him, we were best friends. we told each other everything. we called each other out on issues, we talked through things, and we made each other better people.

there was also the physical benefit of having someone else around. being lonely sucks, and when we were together, we definitely took advantage of having a person around to kiss and cuddle.
the physical aspect of our relationship was NEVER what our friendship was based on. it was only ever a perk. and anyone who doubts this on any level needs to think about it logically. he was in Denver, i was in Utah. that makes for a pretty expensive friend with benefits, doesn't it?
if he had wanted a friend with benefits, i am confident he would have found someone in Denver.
and anyone who thinks that's the only reason he's back in my life can think again. if i were still in Denver, i'd see how one could reason that it was for physical reasons. but i'm back in utah, which makes me a pretty expensive friend who's only good for benefits...

our friendship has never been--and will never be--that shallow.

then he met a girl that he liked, could see himself being with, someone he would fall for.
and i was crushed because i had been choosing to see his actions as a show of his intentions, when he'd been telling me all along that he didn't want to be with me.
i became a crazy monster because of it.

i did everything in my power to keep them apart.
i talked to her about things that were wrong with him.
things that would make her doubt him.
i pointed out her flaws to him, in the hopes he'd realize i was a better fit for him than she was.

at the end, he told me he had to try things with her.
he told me he could see how great i was, and that on some level, he thought i was right. but he had to try things with her because if he didn't, he would always regret that and always wonder how things would have gone if he'd tried that.

i loved him. i was in love with him. and i was devastated by that, because i could see that she wasn't good for him, and that i could be better for him than she was.

i knew if he chose me he'd always wonder how things would have gone with her,
and that would have killed me. it would have always made me question whether he actually wanted to be with me or if he was just with me because i'd made him choose me.

when we stopped talking, that was because of me.
i had made choices during the course of our friendship that i knew would crush him.
i had lied and kept those things from him because i was terrified of losing him.

looking back at it now, i see a huge error with my own actions. i never told him how i felt.
i was always afraid that i'd lose him. that's not a healthy way to approach any relationship...

i now, more than ever, understand what i want from a relationship.
i want someone i can be my silly little self with.
i want someone i can love fully, and who i'm not afraid to share those feelings with.
i want someone who wants me, every little bit of me.
i want someone i can be honest with, someone i can tell everything to, never having to worry about the reaction.

so, at the end, i was honest with him. i told him everything i'd done to hurt him.
and i was right. he was crushed. and he stopped talking to me, as i knew he would do.
i told him those things with the intention of breaking my own heart.
i knew he would stop talking to me, which was what i wanted because he was trying to keep me in his life as a friend.

i couldn't be "just friends" with him.
not while he was dating someone else and i was in love with him.
so, i broke my heart so i wouldn't have to try to figure out a way to get over him while staying in his life.

it was messy, because of me.

and, i was a mess after it ended. i cried for weeks. i couldn't eat. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't breathe.
but i lived. i moved on, assuming that there wouldn't ever be any closure.

two months later, i made the decision to move home to go to school.
i didn't make that decision because of him.
i made that decision because it was, and still is, what's best for me.

when he called me last week, he told me he couldn't get me off his mind, that he was miserable.
he'd ended things with the girl he'd lost me over.
and he missed me. he wasn't mad at me anymore over how things had ended.
we talked through things and left it at that. neither of us really had any idea how we wanted things to play out, and we made no promise that we'd talk again.

the next day we talked again. he asked me questions he needed to ask.
questions i answered honestly, because he deserved the truth. and because i had nothing to lose.
i asked him questions too, questions he answered honestly.

we talked the next day. and the next.
and things have come out in that time that make me really think things might go differently this time around.
he's told me very plainly what his intentions are.
he's going to try to date me, to see where a real relationship with me could go, as more than just friends.

i've told him i plan on getting married, that if this goes somewhere, i want a commitment. a serious commitment.
i've told him i'm not moving back to Denver. i moved home to go to school, and i'm not going anywhere until i have a degree.

for the first time ever, i've been completely honest with him.
he was always completely honest with me.

and this time around, having gone through the heartbreak of losing him before, i now know what i need to do to be the kind of person he deserves and who i deserve to be. i am happy with myself, which means i could be happy with him. my happiness will never again depend on him or anyone else, and i can now be truthful with him, even if that means i'll lose him again.

so, to everyone who's worried about this, who thinks i'm stupid for giving him another chance, don't.
i'm a big girl. i have thought this through, and in some ways i'm still thinking it through.
i know it won't be easy.
both he and i have things to work through so we'll be able to trust each other again.
we both understand that we were hurt by each other, and that it'll take a little while to get over that.

but, we both also know that we really missed each other during the time we weren't speaking.
there's got to be some reason why he couldn't get me off his mind.
and i'm sure there's a reason why i feel peace over this, why i'm not afraid of him hurting me.

we're going to take it really slow.
and we're just going to see where it could go.

and...if people can't deal with that...tough. i'm a big girl. and i can make big girl decisions.
i would just hope everyone in my life who wants the best for me could look past what happened then, and give him a second chance like i am. i understand that people want what's best for me, and don't want to see me make the same mistake.

i don't feel like i am. i truly feel like he's changed and is changing for the better.
the Handy Manny who broke my heart two months ago was a selfish human, one who didn't want to change.
the one who came back into my life last week has done nothing but tell me how happy he is that we're talking again, and really has made good changes in his life.
if i ever feel that he's not treating me well enough, or isn't the kind of man i want to be with, i have no problem letting go again.

so please, please just love me.

even if you don't agree, just love me anyways. if he breaks my heart again, feel free to tell me you told me so. but don't try to ruin it before it has a chance to start. he might just be the best thing for me, you know?

i really do love and appreciate my family and friends, and it means a lot to me that so many people have expressed their concern over this. and i really hope having more of the story has helped you see that i'm not just jumping back into the same situation.

honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings that people think poorly enough of me to think i'd go back to someone who wouldn't change. i am incredible. i've changed soooo much in the past five years. even now, i'm constantly trying to change myself for the better. and as such, i need someone who will engage me intellectually and emotionally. i need someone who wants to be a better person all the time, someone who is always changing for the better too. and right now, i really think Handy Manny might be that guy.

so, give us a shot. pretty please?

life's crazy...

and that's all there is to it.

i got my job back at coldstone.
not lots of working.
just covering for people who need my desperately.

i'm starting at buckle next saturday.
that means 40% off my favorite clothes.
i won't be sad about it.

and i have a love/hate with my job at conservice.
it's amazing.
i HATE going to work at 8:30.
it's too early for this sleepy kitty.

in other news...handy manny is back in my life.
we'll see how that goes.
we're taking it slow and seeing how things go.
so yeah, life is crazy.

the best girlfriend ever.

Ashlee Rose Adkins came into my life at the weirdest point in my life. literally.
i was a mess. a complete train wreck.
it was the last Monday i spend as a student of SUU, and we met at a ward family home evening.
it was the one and only time we ever spent any real time together. we sat in the shade and talked. she asked me questions, and i answered. i was SOOOO moody, so it's a miracle she even bothered to keep talking to me after that...

we're kindred spirits and we've kept in touch ever since.
we skype sometimes. we call sometimes. we text a lot.
she wrote a paper about me, in which she interviewed me because i'm her favorite human.

she knows the happenings of my life and makes me question my choices, but doesn't judge me for them..
she asks for my advice. i ask for hers. she better know i love and adore her.

she loves Wallice, but i couldn't give him to her. he belongs to me.
so i gave her Dennis. he's the cutest, sweetest little dog with skinny legs.
and a colorful belly, which reminded me of her colorful, gorgeous soul.

she's literally the sweetest, kindest human on earth. she loves everyone and is truly hurt if someone doesn't like her.
i've never heard her complain. ever. even when she was worried about getting shot in Philadelphia.
and she works hard for everything. nothing comes super easy to my sweet girl, and that sometimes breaks my heart, because she deserves the world.

and, though he's my arch-nemesis, i'd totally marry her brother Clinton Dean Adkins, just so we could be sisters, since we can't marry each other since we're both girls. which is a shame, because she's better to me than most men i know...

Ashlee Rose Adkins, i love you.

this week....

it's been nuts.
seriously.
i started a new job on Monday.
it's the M-F, 9-5 kind. it will pay the bills. so far i'm not in love, though i do enjoy the people i work with.
it's just boring, monotonous work. i imagine i'll spend a lot of time jamming out. music is allowed. which is good for me!

i had an interesting call today from an old friend.
we talked through things that have been bugging us both for a long time.
i don't know if we'll ever be friends again. that ball isn't in my court, though i'm not opposed to it.
it was good. and i'm grateful for the call.
still sad things didn't play out very well, but it's in the past.
there aren't ill feelings on either side anymore, which definitely brings peace to my soul.

i'm missing my denver people something fierce today.
i made the right choice, just kinda sucks that i had to leave people behind.

i'm absolutely joining a gym this week. it's time to take over and get what i want out of life.
the priorities have been set.
it's me time. i can't expect to find the man of my dreams if i'm not the girl of his, right?

in other news, this is the song i can't get out of my head today.
only, it's kind of reverse for me. all my life i've been bad, so now i'm being good.

new fingernail colors fix everything. now we're doing brown for fall. it's been super chilly the past few days, and i'm definitely needing some time to cuddle up with my Wallice, read some good books, and breathe for a bit.

i'm okay. i'm doing good, and things are working out the way they should, though i currently have no idea how or why that is...now, on to the post about my true love, Ashlee Rose Adkins.

best friends...

first of all, someone commented on my last blog, saying they still think about me all the time. it was anonymous and i'd like to know who sent it.
please e-mail me, bestie.
jayciespacie (at) gmail (dot) com
that's my permanent address! ;)

now, onto the topic of besties.
i met James when i was 16. i had just started at ColdStone and dropped in to check my schedule. he was behind the counter, serving away.
i was wearing a little polka dot dress. my hair was long and curly. i was wearing heels.
stunner. that's the only word for how smokin' i was that day.
i made my way for the back and he said, "you can't go back there."
i flipped around, sassed back, "i WORK here..." and let myself into the back.

we became pals over the next couple months, mostly because i forced him to be my friend.
i had a huge crush on him. he thought i was insane. plus, he had a girlfriend. they ended things within just a little bit of us meeting. but he didn't have feelings for me. and honestly, i didn't for him either.

then i was raped.
and everything in my life changed.

James stepped into my life in a big way at that point. he pulled me through.
we talked EVERY NIGHT on the way home from work. he'd drive home, and keep talking to me until i made it home safely, too. he listened to me. he talked me through things. he gave advice. he didn't judge.
a few weeks after i was raped, i got a flat tire at work. it was raining, and i'd had a physical exam that morning as part of the investigation. i was a wreck. it was so violating. and emotionally, i couldn't deal with much. the flat tire was the straw that broke the camel's back.

a couple guys from work changed my tire, while James held me and let me cry under an umbrella in the rain.

now, five years later, here we are. i'm just back from Denver. he's getting ready to embark on his own adventure.

i love him more than every other human on the planet. hands down. he's my very best friend. sometimes we lose touch for a bit, but we pick up right where we leave things. we don't hold grudges. we don't stay mad. there is no place in the world that feels more like home to me than a James hug.
there is no one else in the world who loves me more than he does. even when i mess everything up, and call him to fix my life, he just loves me. he doesn't always agree, and i know that. but he loves me anyways. he sticks by me always. that's the kind of best friend everyone should have.

but, you can't have my bestie. he belongs to ME! and i'll cut anyone who tries...capeshe?

Jamesy, I je t'aime you beaucoup de chose! :)

being single...

i'm single.
there isn't any current local love interest in my life.
and that has a tendency to get pretty awkward.

most of my high school graduating class is now married.
some of them have babies already.

EVERY SINGLE FEMALE on either side of my family was married at 19 or younger. we're not just talking about one or two cousins. we're talking about a whole multitude of cousins/aunts/grandmas who got married super young. most of them are still married. they have the loves of their lives to keep them busy.

and i have...Wallice.

there are a few things you get used to hearing, as a single person such as i.

"you have your whole life to find someone to settle down with."
um...okay. thanks for that, but i want to find him now. sue me for wanting to find someone to spend my life being happy with asap. i get that i have a long time to settle down, but most people spend all their free time looking for their One. I'm just thinking of all the extra activities i could do if i already had found him.

"if they can't see how amazing you are, they don't deserve you anyways."
well, first of all, that's completely true. but that means there are a whole lot of guys not seeing how great i am, which leads me to believe perhaps there is something a little wrong with me...i'm the common denominator in this equation...

"why are you still single?"
um...i guess because no one liked it enough to put a ring on it?

so, let's put it to a poll. why do YOU, my sweet readers, think i'm still single?

H is for home. and healing.

i've had a lot of time to myself the past week.
a lot of time for reflecting. a lot of time for relaxing.

i baked a lot. i cleaned a lot. i unpacked all my stuff.
i applied for jobs, and had a few interviews.
i caught up with my family, and spent a little time with friends.

but when it came right down to it, i had a lot of time alone.
a lot of time to process everything that happened during the past year.
i feel like i finally allowed my heart to break.
i've been holding a lot in.

i made some mistakes.
i made some hard decisions. and i made some good ones.
i met some incredible people. and i had some pretty awesome adventures.
i thought i fell in love. then realized that love was completely wrong for me.
then i met a guy who's absolutely perfect for me. and who thought i was too young for him.
i had close friends pass away. i lost my grandma.
i had a lot of sleepless nights over lots of silly things.

in the midst of all that, i found myself. i found this incredibly strong, brave, little human. she's quirky. loud. outgoing. accepting. open. bold. passionate. vibrant. impulsive. witty. maybe a little crazy. someone beautiful. someone worth sooo much. i'm going places. where? i have no idea right now...but somewhere good.

i have no idea what the future holds. absolutely no clue.

the other day, i was cleaning the kitchen. Kegan was sitting at the counter, playing on my phone. it was quiet. we were just chilling (like we always are), and he finally asked, "Why do you sigh so much? It sounds like you're really depressed."
it completely caught me off guard, but he's not the first person who's observed this about me...i finally told him why. "it's because i always hold my breath. i forget to breathe, so it's my way of catching up."

it's weird though, isn't it? the ONE THING all humans can do without any thought at all is the main thing i'm struggling with lately. i wish i had a clue as to why...i just can't breathe, i guess.

and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
setting fire to our insides for fun.
collecting names of the lovers that went wrong.

this song was just playing. fitting, right? if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.

i have a few job interviews this week.
one would be especially amazing for me. it would mean starting school in january.
the other two are down in the salt lake area. they'd mean working/living down there until May when i can have my old job back. that would mean starting school in august.
i'm okay right now with either of those paths. i'm really hoping to stay home and start school asap, but who knows what's in store...

yeah, that's all i've got for right now....perhaps tomorrow my jumbled thoughts will make more sense.

guess why i smile a lot. {why?} uh, 'cause it's worth it...

watch this:

and then watch this:

this *might* be my favorite youtube video. i am OBSESSED with Marcel the Shell.

i'm sure i've posted these before. but hey, watching them on repeat isn't a bad thing.

keep crossing fingers for me that i'll find a job.

it HAS to be in the cache valley. i'm applying at USU for spring semester.

i need to go to school. my life needs to start. it's why i came back!

i smile because it's worth it. why do you smile?

jaycie the criminal???

today was so funny.

i had a job interview at Buckle, only my favorite retail store.

i looked amazing.

completely nailed the interview. 

we'll see on that one though...

i'm not super optimistic about it, so i won't be too disappointed if i don't get it.

anyways, after the interview i went to play with Mandy.

when i go to her house, i park across the street at the hospital.

it's just easier than risking a parking ticket.

as i was leaving, i jaywalked across the street back to my car.

didn't think anything of it, until the blue, red, and white lights starting flashing in front of me.

this police office got out of his car and walked towards me.

you all know how sassy i am. 

so i said, "can i help you?"

cop: "do you know why i'm stopping you?"

me: "um...no?"

him: "you just jaywalked across the street."

me: "oh....that."

him, laughing at my shock/instant fear: "i'll let you go just this once, and only because you made it look good."

the relief on my face made him laugh and we said our happy little goodbyes.

totally made my night though, because i definitely did make it look good.

but really? who jaywalks IN FRONT OF A COP? only this girl....

so, my blog name takes on a new meaning now, doesn't it? since i'm a real criminal jaywalker now.

i have an interview in SLC for a bank teller position tomorrow.

please bless if i don't get the buckle job, i'll get that one, since they both sound good to me!

i'm home...now what?

we left denver at approximately 10 a.m. yesterday morning.

we got home around 8 or 8:30 p.m. hauled in some of my stuff, but gave up and crashed on the couch.

this morning, i decorated my room.

then i hauled in the rest of my stuff, which is now just sitting in the middle of the floor...i'll put it away at some point tonight. after i make my bed so i have somewhere to sleep later. 

my closet is put away.

and i have all my important things out and about.

but then there's all the stuff you don't really need when you live with your mom.

like pots and pans. and knives.

soooo.....i guess that'll just chill in the middle of my floor for the rest of eternity.

kidding. there's a closet for that. but i'm a little over moving, so i'll have to get to that later. 

and my bathroom stuff. i just don't know what to do with anything anymore.

there isn't room for this. not sure how i did it last time i lived here....

as for other news...i need a job.

my parents are monsters and won't let me have Maximus here, and after some careful consideration, i think it's the smartest move to mooch off them for the rest of my life (or just until i finish school...) sooo....no puppy! :( :( :( :( :( :( :( 

for now, i'm just going to get back into the swing of utah.

that means less swearing, more clothing, and time with my family. plus, the GJ, zupa's, and cafe rio.

i have a new little bff. well, he's actually my old bff. but we're getting back into the groove.

Kegan, the cousin/brother. we're way too cool compared to other people. don't worry about it. he likes me only for my phone and the special app folder just for him.

and because he can beat me at chess always...i wish i could lie and say i let him win.

having a 13-year-old bff who's a boy? yeah. that happens.

also, JAMES DYER. you better call me, you terrible bff.... <spiderman fingers.>

i'll post pics soon. life's just busy and it's way too hard to upload them currently. i'm still learning this new computer stuff. it's a pain. never again...

if you strip me, strip it all away.

i'm having an emotional crisis, as i always do.
i'm excited to go home, i really am.
just a little nervous about the "no job" thing...

it's going to be fine, i'm sure. just a little scary.
i'm for sure going back to school.

and my super hot girlfriend, Ashlee, might need a roommate, aka ME! :)
that is, if she wants me...

it's going to be an adventure.
every step of the journey is the journey.
this is an exciting step, right?

in a week, i'll be home.
i'll be in my bed in wellsville, sleeping.
sunday will be the first of many sunday dinners with my family.

monday will bring the biggest job hunt of all time.
my favorite bike rides.
grandma visits.
baking for my dad. and nick.

i'm excited. life's getting good.
i had such a grumpy day today.
work is rough, but i only have 3 more days left.

everything is about to be different again.
i feel like i'm about to be able to breathe again.

oh, you know....the usual.

i had a job interview yesterday with a company that is pretty amazing. the pay was great, the job was great. it would have been perfect.

but when the boss lady called to offer me the job, my heart kind of dropped.
and that's when i knew it was a probably a bad idea to stay in Denver.

my heart definitely hasn't been here in awhile. i tried to make it work after things fell apart with Handy Manny, but this wasn't ever my home. i moved here for him and he broke my heart. i tried to stay here for me and couldn't find any reason good enough.

i'll miss Denver and the friends i've made here.
Sarah, Deshon, Amy/Justin/Zeuss, and Caryn, to name a few.
 i'll absolutely be back to visit, and this city definitely has a place in my heart.

but it's not my home and i need to do me for a bit.

i need to go back to school.
i need to find my happy place again.
i need to be closer to my mom and my cute grandmas, my little bff, Jordan, my dad, Nick, and Kegan. (this name thing could take a bit...) and James, my very best, of course. and Hollie, who is pregnant!!!

i've learned so much by having this adventure.

i learned about relationships. what it takes to make them work, and the things that i need to be happy. i thought i found it, only to realize i deserve so much more. then i found an incredible guy who was all i wanted and then some, only to find that sometimes the feeling isn't that mutual and little things like age can keep people apart if both people aren't willing to make things work in spite of the challenges.
i would have stayed for him...so i'm glad he knew me a little better than i knew myself and in a way, really let me go...i told him and myself that i was staying for me, but i think he knew better.

i don't need a man to support me or take care of me. i've got that taken care of. i want someone to love me, to help me chase my dreams, and to have the most passionate, beautiful relationship the world has ever seen. i also realized i'm young. i'm absolutely a spinster in the Utah dating world where girls are married off and making babies at 18, but it's okay that my path is different. i've gotta trust that my One is out there, and we'll find each other when we're both ready.

i learned about myself. moving here was by far the hardest thing i've ever done. financially it was a risk. there were times i really didn't know if i was going to be able to make it work, but i also learned i'm not a quitter. when things got hard, i worked harder. failing wasn't an option for me, and i made it work. i dug really deep and realized i'm a strong, capable woman.

i learned about the fragility of human life. since being here i've had two close friends pass away. my Great Grandma Harris died. i've seen both ends of the spectrum. my grandma had a beautiful life and when she let go, it was only after 99 years of love and charity. i found that sometimes life let's people down. it gets rough, and sometimes people aren't strong enough to push through anymore.

i think the biggest lesson i learned was about love and human kindness. people always surprise  you. impossible situations become possible, and at the end of the day we're all just humans. we struggle. we laugh. we cry. we hope. we dream. we fear. we love. we all just crave acceptance. and when you look past things that don't matter like race, gender, and sexuality,  you find souls that are worth loving. and when you realize those things, you find that you can love unconditionally.

utah won't be the same. i know that already. utah has changed, i'm sure. and i've changed. i don't look the same, and the girl who's returning to utah definitely isn't the one who left six months ago. i'm a little more jaded and cynical, a little more realistic, a little more serious, but still just as quirky, and definitely more confident. and though it probably sounds kind of crazy right after the words jaded and cynical, i think i'm also a little more hopeful towards love and happiness. i've just realized where you can't find those things. it's absolutely not in the vicious little circle i've been trying to force over the past couple years...

so, here's to coming home. here's to another new adventure. here's to home, wherever that may be. here's to change, and being able to give up. it's been a wonderful ride, Denver, and i'm sad to see it end, but i'm sure this isn't the end for us...

Day One...

yes. i rocked today...
i completely hate my face in that picture, so...everything but the face will have to work.
i think there needs to be a picture every day. to keep me extra honest.

my bike ride today was rough. it was freezing outside. and soooo windy. i need a scarf, for sure!

right now i'm watching friends with benefits. one of my favorite movies ever.
thinking about how i need to be in bed, and absolutely not making any effort to actually go to bed.

also, can't get my mind off Maximus, as always.

 i scored some sweet puppy swag for him last week. so spoiled already....

this was him, ready for bed last night. my grandma is a rock star and sends me pics.
i can have him in two or three weeks. i am the most thrilled human ever!!!

sooo....i'm in a bad mood all of a sudden. that probably means it's bedtime. so, until tomorrow, aka day two. i'm already 3% of the way done with my 30 days.

30 days of healthy.

i lost 30 pounds this year.
THIRTY! that's pretty incredible.
then i gained back six.
which i'm loathing.

the past month has been so hard for so many reasons.
my great-grandma passed away.
i moved.
my best friend is no longer in my life.
i traveled home a couple times.
wrecks. parking tickets. panic attacks.

i've been feeling like i don't know what my next step in life should be.
in a lot of ways, i kind of gave up.
on a lot of things.
i have been a complete and utter wreck.

but there were some amazing things that also happened.
i met the little love of my life.
This is Maximus:

he's turning into quite the little fatty.

and i'm obsessed with him.

he'll be with me in just two weeks. i can't wait! :)

i went on a bike ride last thursday.
i wasn't going to go, but i woke up early and figured i might as well.
it was SOOOO hard.
hardest bike ride ever, possibly.
until i realized i deserve it. i deserve to be happy and healthy.
i owe it to myself to be the best i can possibly be.
and that includes being healthy.

i got told at the beginning of this year that i can't be a runner.
i have a bad back. and running is excruciating.
but, i still think i may want to be a runner.
i'm thinking i want to get in a half marathon.

training for a half will suck, probably. until my back can get used to the high impact, i'll probably hate it.
but i want to try.
i want to take some dance classes.
and some spin classes. and more yoga, obviously.

i want to see how eating completely healthy for awhile affects me.
probably it will do wonders. but i just want to test it out.
i've NEVER been a super healthy person.

but i want to. i NEED to. and i can. how hard could it be?
so, tomorrow will begin the 30 days of healthy.
i'm sure that will turn into way way way more days of healthy, but i have to start somewhere.
no fast food. no processed food. just yummy, healthy food.
and no capri sun. that might be my hard part. however, juice and smoothies will suffice, i hope.

normal bedtime and plenty of sleep. a schedule. a boring, set schedule. so i know exactly what i should be doing and when i should be doing it. less being lazy on the couch with Zeuss.

bike rides. yoga. dancing. and i want to learn how to swim. (probably won't happen this month...)
but i can exercise monday through friday for a month.
i like to work out. and i need to use as much outside time as possible before it's time to put away my bike for the winter.

and you better believe this whole thing is getting documented. my blog will keep me honest.
i'm ready for this. i'm ready to change my own life. to work for something, to remind myself that i'm worth so much more than i've been settling for lately. especially this past year.

and there's this guy i like. who knows where things will go? but i'm testing it out. he's sweet and good. and he deserves someone who is sweet and good too. he's a little gun shy when it comes to me. i can't blame him. i would be too. and that isn't okay with me. i want to be someone who is completely happy and content within my own skin, someone who respects myself enough to say no to bad things, and to have enough patience to wait for the good things.
i've been a monster for awhile.
it's time to grow up a little. to stop complaining, and just to embrace things as they come, good and bad. because those things make me who i am.

it's time to shine. and you can be absolutely sure i'm going to blind the haters...

The meaning of life...

Tonight at work, I helped a mother and daughter get one of their cable boxes working. Super easy normally, but this box was just not working.

Finally, I decided to try one last thing and it worked. After all the problems w: had with it, we were all really excited when it worked.

After asking if I could help them with anything else, the mother said, "Yes, actually. Can you tell us the secret of life?"

Obviously, this caught me off guard, as anyone who knows me knows that I'm probably the one person on earth who will never figure it out...

After thinking about it for a second, I went with what came to mind. I told her, "I think the secret is to learn how to smile through all of the chaos that life throws at you."

That feels right to me right now...I've had such a crazy year.
I moved to Denver.
I discovered the cause of my back pain.
I had my heart broken.
I lost my great-grandma, Dorella.
I'm buying a puppy who captured my heart the moment we met.

And I've decided to stay in Denver. I'm going to stick it out, even though it would be easier to leave. I'm going to keep digging deep within myself to learn what it means to keep going. I'm not giving up.

I'm going to keep breathing.
And I'm going to embrace everything that life throws my way.

I'm going to fight for what I want.
And if i go down, it will be kicking and screaming.

i fell on my head...

literally.
i leaned back too far on my grandma's porch swing and fell right on my head.
it super hurt my neck, and the bump i'm rocking...there aren't words.
but my perma-headache isn't as bad as it was yesterday.

and i'm still smiling.

yesterday was hard. saying good-bye to my Grandma Harris was hard.
she was an amazing, amazing lady. no one in the entire world was as good as her.

now i'm off to see my baby, Maximus. he's absolutely my soulmate.
and i've been waiting ALL DAY for my mom so we can go! :)

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

that's how happy my little guy makes me.

obviously i'll post a million pictures.

this time i mean it...

i'm back. for real. and i solemnly swear i really mean it.

i had a date tonight with a wonderful guy.
he's sweet, sensitive, and we have so much in common, it's a little crazy.

today was such a good day.
went and had a massage, which really helped my back relax a little.
splurged on a new dress, since i was a. out of clean clothes, and b. nothing else fits.

didn't think about handy manny much at all today.
definitely was preoccupied by this new guy.

we had an amazing talk after our date tonight.
we both opened up about a lot of things.
for now, we'll be friends and see where things go.

he brought me flowers. he missed the memo about dandelions. but they're completely gorgeous.
maybe they are my new favorite flower?

it was a perfect night.
and i'm really excited about where things are heading in my life.
in other news, my Arrested Development obsession is getting a little out of hand.
can't wait for Burn Notice this Thursday.

i'll be home in ten days.
that means golden jade.
and visiting puppies and family.
catching up with friends.

even on my weakest days...

i get a little bit stronger.

this song's been on repeat in my head.

handy manny broke my heart. i thought he was the one.
and he's decided that he doesn't want to be. he needs to try things out with another girl.
we spent some time together this week around his roadtrip. and it wasn't the same as it used to be.
i realized i poured my entire heart and soul into a relationship that he didn't want.

the worst part for me is that it was a selfish action on his part.
i truly believe we could have been happy together.
he ignored his feelings for me because he wanted this other girl more.
he likes her better. she's his first choice.
and i'm his second choice. who makes a convenient toy to play with when she's not around.

i deserve so much more than that.

lately things have been changing. i have been changing. mostly for the better, i think.

i've quit some bad habits and replaced them with better ones.
there are a lot of things that don't make me happy.
i've realized those things and i've started the process to getting them fixed.

instead of listening to me, Handy Manny told me I seem like a two-face bitch.
i said something to him and then said it to someone else in another context, which he felt made my words to him insincere.
he didn't give me an opportunity to explain that things he'd said to me earlier had made me realize other things about myself. things that i wanted, that i need.
it's hard. having my best friend and lover decide to view me through narrowed eyes. it's hard, taking the fall for every little thing, to be yelled at for feeling a certain way and doing certain things...

but i'm getting a little bit stronger.

i love him still. and i'm sure there will always be a little Handy Manny spot in my heart.
but i'm out. i can't let this hurt me anymore. it doesn't get to run my life.
he's the first thing i think about in the morning and the last thing i think about before i go to sleep.
but i haven't cried as much today.
and i'm sure i won't cry too much tomorrow.

what seemed impossible three weeks ago doesn't seem quite so hard anymore.
it feels like it's been forever since he replaced me with her.
my heart that felt like it was being ripped apart has calmed to a more bearable ache.
and i'm glad she was gone long enough for us to really get everything out of our systems.
i wish them the best. truly. if he thinks she'll make him happy, i hope she can.

and though i'm terrified, i'm also a little excited about where the road might lead me.
i have a good feeling though today.

things i've been blessed with today:
my mom and dad. even though they aren't here with me, they're never very far.
my friends. both here and back home. they keep me going when i'd rather give up.
i have james. we've got five good years in. and he's a keeper.
my back. though it's falling apart, at least i have one. and at least i can still walk.
poos and sunscreen that will melt away this hard week.
peace. from a Heavenly Father who gets it. who cries with me. and smiles with me.
grapes. because that's my favorite food today.
and pain killers that will get rid of this headache and let me sleep...

i'm getting a little bit stronger.

what the H is happening to me???

so, i went to sonic for lunch and got my usual croissant sausage sandwich, diet coke, and tots.
it tasted great, though a little bit salty.
within a half hour, i wanted to rip my intestines out.

heartbreak ruined my appetite. i started eating fruits and veggies only.
that was good.
apparently now it's all i can eat.

so....healthy is apparently my new favorite food.
i ate popcorn with m&m's the other day. it wasn't that good.
the popcorn was too salty and the m&m's were too sweet.
i wanted to trade it in for some grapes.

so, the moral to that story is...i'll just eat fruits and veggies only?
i guess my body will continue to get wicked sexy on account of i don't like food anymore...
except indian food is wicked healthy. i wonder if it would taste good to me?
i'll try that out this weekend and report back.

for now, i'm good with the lost pounds and inches that the past few weeks have brought.
i hope that will continue as i start to eat again, now that i don't feel sick to my stomach 24/7.

it's now time to watch arrested development for a bit.
then bed. so i can go play in the pool with Saemi after her nurse test.
she's going to rock it, i know.

note: i am not above soliciting friends...it's happened a few times today. i don't regret it.

i'd rather love just a little too much.

it's wonderful to fall.
let's love and risk it all.
i'd rather love just a little too much.


there's a new man in my life.
maybe it's too early to say anything, but i could really fall for this one.
unlike last time, there's just a spark. there's nothing to grow into or be one-sided with.
he is interested in me. and i'm interested back.

he is open, warm, and honest with anything i ask.
i can tell him things i don't like to open up about.

i've always heard the quote, "when one door closes, another one opens."
but this is just...wow. i don't even have words.
so far, i can't stop smiling.

who knew he'd walk in right when i gave up?
not this girl.
cross your fingers my crazy doesn't scare him away! :)

where to even start?

i've had a very, very hard week...
it started out by falling in love with my best friend. that wasn't last week, to be clear. that's been going on for a year now. only, he didn't feel the same way.
well, he did. but his feelings weren't like mine. it was like mine were neon. his were pastel.
so he started dating other girls. and found one he really likes and wants to be with.
that's when it all fell apart.

i've realized some things the past few days. you do things for people you love.
i would do anything for him, even now. but i'm not sure he'd do that for me.
i've realized i'm a placeholder for him, until someone better comes along. i deserve to be the one.
not just an option.

my heart and stomach just feel sick.
what could i have done to deserve this?
why did i fall in love with someone who doesn't want me?
what's wrong with me?
what does she have or do that's better than me?
am i not sexy enough? fun enough? smart enough?
am i not good enough?

last monday, things started to fall apart. tuesday was hard.
but i got him on tuesday night and wednesday morning.
he's been spending all him time with her ever since. and it's been killing me.
my family was here on thursday and friday, and it was great to see them.
it just sucked that i was starting to fall apart.

friday was rough.
i ate a tiny piece of pizza. then i felt sick and couldn't stand the thought of food.
i played like, 300 games of bejeweled blitz.
i worked and was kind of in a haze. i couldn't focus on anything at all.

saturday was worse than friday.
i think it was then that i realized i couldn't have him.
he doesn't want me.
to him, i'm dispensable. i'm just his friend.
i cried all day long. i ventured to walmart for food, since it's necessary for survival.
i only cried twice while i was walking around.
and then the little foreign chasier was like, "hi! how you?"
and i just fell apart. body-wracking sobs.
it was around noon, and literally all of Denver watched me fall apart.
i ate a banana when i got home. that's all i ate on saturday.
i cried on the phone at work to customers who mentioned that i sounded sad.
he brought me some of my stuff during my lunch break, and i cried.
we talked a little, and that made me cry all over.
he told me if a relationship with this girl doesn't work, we'll give us a shot.
i came home and cried myself to sleep, then had nightmares about them being together.


sunday was long. but i didn't cry as much.
i got ready and left my house. i went to REI for a bike pump and chain lube.
i had conversations with people and my voice started to sound like me again, instead of the hollow girl who took over for me on friday and saturday.
i still didn't really eat, only a banana, some grapes, and some carrots with ranch.
i cried a little at work. and then i went out with my friend Cassie.
we talked about it, and i realized i could breathe a little.

today, i only cried a few times.
i realized i'm going to get over him.
i'm going to focus on me, and love myself for a bit.
i can be his friend, and distance my feelings for him.
i can be strong for myself.
i will live.
i joined a dating website. i'm not worried about it right now, but if someone comes along, we'll see.
but when my first thought, last thought, and most of the thoughts in between are about someone else, it's probably not a good idea.
today i ate a banana and some grapes.

i have tomorrow off. i need to get my car fixed.
maybe i'll do laundry.
i might go relax at the pool, and possibly meet up with a friend for dinner. (assuming i can even eat.)
i might treat myself to a movie.
i'm picking up my friend and her husband from the airport.
and they're going to help me put myself back together.

i'm getting better. just a step at a time. that's all i can even do right now. and i think that's enough.

i'm back, i promise.

life has finally slowed down a little bit.
my bills are almost all caught up.
my job is going great.
i'm finally locked in my regular schedule.

and i'm happy.
life goes on. and everything happens just like it's supposed to.
i've really been missing my family lately.
i always take them for granted when i live close to them.
but i miss them terribly.
hopefully i'll make it home to utah soon.
it's been two months since i was home.
i haven't hugged my parents and siblings in two months.
i haven't seen my grandparents and utah friends.

but it doesn't feel like that long.
life's flying by. it really is incredible how quickly it goes.
two months ago i was unsure of so many things.

i decorated my place a little bit last night.
three months after i moved in, but hey. i wasn't ready to commit to Denver.
i'm making new friends here.
i'm missing weddings and new babies back in utah.

but i know that i'm loved. and that's good enough for right now.
i'm excited to see where the next little while takes me.
i'm making life changes for the better. and i'm feeling like i'm right where i need to be.
though i never would have dreamed this life for myself, it feels like home.

i'm going to be fine. every step of the journey is the journey.
i'm learning lessons and getting back up when i fall.
life is so beautiful. it's exciting and scary and wonderful.

i've been a little out of sorts for the past couple months, trying to sort things out.
i got so caught up in the reality of it all that i forgot to stop and breathe.

i'm back.
and i'm smiling. because it's worth it.

sooo....i have a question.

does anyone still even read my blog?
seems like not really...

and if that's the case, i may just delete it.

a long update.

and by long, i mean...an update.
because, honestly, my life is kinda boring.

work:
comcast is great. free service is amazing.
i'm soooo bored of the training. it's stuff i know, and i'm more than ready to prove my stuff.
but the money rocks.
and i'm 3 miles away. it doesn't get better than that.

home:
nothing has changed at all.
i may acquire a tv soon. and the maintenance men are creeps.
and my bills are mostly caught up, so soon i can start to decorate my casa.

money:
i'm too poor to buy food.
or anything, really.
but, my bills are almost all caught up.
and that's a feat, all things considered.
in July, i will again be able to afford food.
it's going to be a joyous day.
i desperately need a new laptop. mine just literally fell apart. awesome. add it to the list of things i can't afford...

body:
well...my back is a mess.
i walk around like quasimodo a lot because it always hurts.
let me describe what is going on.
this picture is of a neck, but it's the same thing that's happening to my lower back:

the green is what it is supposed to look like.
the red is really bad. my back is between the second and and third picture, closer to the second.
basically, because of the way my spine is wanting to straighten out, my nerves are getting smashed and making my nerves fire at random in my hips and legs.

so, my back hurts all the time, but my nerves firing at random is also hell. it takes me awhile to stand up and get used to standing, and i can't bend/play like i was able to before.
my legs go numb a lot, and i can't sit on the floor or do any high impact activities anymore.
very much of a life changer for me, but i'm figuring it out.
i'm very determined that it will not run my life.

soul:
i'm adjusting to the city. it's a big change, but i like it. and i'm getting used to being mostly alone.
i actually really like being all alone. it's new, but i like being able to do whatever i want, whenver i want, without having to answer to anyone.
i'm not going to church because i feel like a hypocrite when i do go, though my ward here is nice and welcoming. just not where i'm at right now.
i am very much anti-relationship. i love handy manny, but i'm not sure i want to settle down now or ever. for now, he's my best friend. and i'm okay with that.
that being said, i have joined an online dating website because i need to meet people. it isn't my favorite thing, but what the heck? i have nothing to lose, and i might meet some really awesome people.

plans:
i'm absolutely going back to school. probably spring or fall of next year, depending on work/money.
i do want to be a teacher, but comcast is awesome. and may turn into a career.
i want to go to utah. but that may be awhile. on account of how poor i am.

i'm going to decorate my place.
i'm going to get in shape.
i'm going to find some new friends.
and figure out how to just be me.

i figure i'm 21. there's no rush to solve all of these things today. or even tomorrow. i'm having a good time. and things are working out just fine. good update?
i promise to be better. i miss my blog.

a slight change of plans...

my back has been bothering me for several weeks now.
specifically, it's been bugging since before i moved to Denver.
i thought it would get better eventually, but...it's gotten worse.
way worse.

it's time for a doctor visit.
i can barely walk. i can't sit on the floor. and i LOVE sitting on the floor.
my legs go numb when i'm sitting in certain positions.
and my hips and legs are getting really mad because of my back.

so, i'll do the thing i hate, aka suck it up and see a doctor. please bless it's not bad news.
although, i'm not too optimistic on this one. agony can't possibly be good.
<fingers crossed anyways.>

it's going to be a weekend with:
a big surprise.
roads. music. girl talk.
laughter.
ice cream. onion rings. popcorn.
relaxing.
DIY projects, maybe.
hot springs. possibly.
visiting. catching up. piano playing.
baking. naps.
LOVE.

this week was a week of eye-opening for me. i learned a few things:

a. i'm not the same girl i was five years ago. i've learned to love and be loved with no other requirements than that. i have scars that have faded, that aren't a big part of my life anymore. change is good, and definitely something to embrace. i'm eager to see the changes coming my way.

b. i was having a discussion about love and divorce and change. i mentioned that love doesn't really seem to be enough anymore. the reply, "love as a feeling absolutely isn't enough. love as a choice or decision is." i think that's beautiful and profound. it's so easy to nitpick and find things wrong in others. to accept those things, to love in spite of the challenges is beautiful. there's also a very fine line of when there's nothing left to do but give up.

c. i'm a giver. i love people. and i love helping people. it's something so deeply rooted in my soul, to deny someone help would be like saying i'm not Jaycie. a lot of people take advantage of that, and i've began to realize that it's okay to say no sometimes. i think it's important to give. whether that means listening as someone vents, giving them a ride so they don't have to spend two hours on the bus, or just simply smiling when everyone else looks away. i love. it's my thing, and i wouldn't want to change that at all.

:) also, a special shout-out to my very best friend James Dyer for being awesome and having his Master's degree thesis accepted. my lover is graduating and taking big steps in his life. i'm so proud!

a melancholy post.

so, i've made it a point the past year or so not to really talk about my personal life on here.
i've made it purposefully vague.
and i've been thinking about that lately.
this is my blog. and i've always been very honest with myself and others.
so, why hide here?

i'm opening back up. my heart NEEDS to open back up.
i miss me. i've been so focused on always doing/saying the right thing, and worrying more about how to survive than how to enjoy living.
things are calming down in my life, which means plenty of time for reflecting.

i've decided to have a summer just for me.
fall back in love with myself. treat myself to movies and dinner alone. read again.
take sewing back up. and baking. and learning to cook for just me or a couple people.

i want to take up running. and maybe get a little color in this skin of mine.

i've been pretty homesick lately.
i miss my parents and my siblings.
i miss my friends.
i miss my grandparents.
i miss familiar places and faces.

i got thinking about my family though. it's kind of bittersweet situation.
my dad's side is good. my grandma loves me. and a couple aunts love me. the rest thing i'm kind of a savage and laugh at some of my jokes. and mostly they love me.

my mom's side doesn't really love me. i've been disowned by most of them. sometimes i creep on facebook, and if i'm being honest, it makes me miss them a lot.

i was molested by my uncle, who was my best friend. what he did was terrible, but i don't think that necessarily makes him terrible. i don't hate him anymore. and i'm finally at a place within myself where i can admit that there are parts of me that miss him. i don't want to see or speak to him. i'm not there yet, and i'm not sure i'll ever be there. he hurt me in more ways than i probably even know.

when my family found out what was going on, everyone was outraged. a lot of people didn't believe me. but i think mostly they already knew the truth and just didn't know how to deal with that.

it's been three years since i talked to most of them. i was about to graduate when people found out that he was being charged, that i'd come forward. there was a lot of animosity, and though no one would speak to me, i eventually heard that people wanted me to drop the charges, that we needed to figure it out as a family. i didn't agree with that then, and i don't agree with it now. there are some things that can't be solved just by talking.

i stood my ground and told the truth, and i was the one hurt by it.

i'm not mad about that. i don't have even one shred of anger in my soul. i think most everyone has probably calmed down and just doesn't know what to say at this point. maybe they feel that i owe everyone an apology over what happened. maybe they're still mad, i really don't know. and maybe they just don't know what to say to fix all the broken bridges.

if i could tell them all one thing, it would be that i'm sorry. not that i'm sorry for what happened. and i'm not sorry for telling the truth. i'm sorry that they felt threatened by the truth. that our family wasn't strong enough to band together and work through something that was devastating to all of us. i'm sorry they felt like disowning me was the right thing to do, when the one thing i could have used most was love and support. i'm sorry they felt like they had to take sides. there were no sides to take. no one won. it was a horrible situation for every person, no matter how directly or indirectly they were involved.

to him i would say that i forgive him. i don't understand how or why he did what he did, but i forgive him. not for his benefit, but for mine. i can't stay mad. it's not who i am or who i ever want to be. i hope more than anything he's gotten help, that he can eventually have relationships with healthy boundaries that were missing when he was in my life. i want him to know i was never seeking justice. i was looking for honesty, for forgiveness, and for closure.

i'm sorry to his kids, my sweet cousins who were touched by this as much as-if not more-than i was. i miss them to the very depths of my soul. i miss watching them grow up, hearing them laugh, and seeing their little crooked smiles. to them i would say that i'm sorry they have to live without their dad. but, i would tell them i did it for them. so their dad could get help, and so the same thing wouldn't happen to anyone else. i hope they're happy, and that one day they can forgive me and see that i didn't do it to hurt them. if there had been a way to avoid that, i would have done it in a heartbeat...

i've heard their mom is in a better place. she's with someone who loves her and treats her like she deserves. to her i would say that i'm sorry. whether she believes it or not, i was too young to have to make those decisions. she has every right to blame me for what happened, but i wish she'd realize i was a kid. i was 16 years old, and i didn't know how to say no. i've grown so much from the girl she knew back then. i can say no now, and wish more than anything i'd have known how to say it then.

to my parents i would say thank you. for standing by me. for supporting me when it meant being just as disowned as i was. my parents are incredible, even though we don't always agree on everything. they love me anyways, and i'm so very blessed to belong to them. to my dad, thank you for teaching me to be strong. to keep going when it seems hard, and to find solutions when it doesn't look like there are any. he is the perfect example of what a husband and father should be. to my mom, thank you for giving up everything for me. your family, for one. i don't think i could possibly list everything you've sacrificed for me over the past 21 years. my first memories of you include baking cookies, and helping you take care of Jordan. we did good, didn't we? she's perfect, even though she's a bratty teenager now.

to my brothers i would say thank you for trying. they were probably the closest people to the situation, and i can see why forgiving me would be hard. i'm so very grateful that they did forgive me in whatever way they could. it's been a rough few years, but i love them. and i know they'd do anything in the world for me, no questions asked.

to my sweet baby Jordan, i would say i'm sorry you don't understand everything that's gone on. i'm sorry you were excluded from so many events because of things you had no control over. i'm sorry you had to suffer consequences that should have been mine alone. i know it's hard to love me anyways. you're my best friend. and though we fight, i wouldn't want anyone else to be my sister. i love you. and i want you to be happy. i hope you know i'm always here for you, even though there are millions of miles between us. you are gorgeous. you're truly perfect. and you deserve someone who loves every single inch of you, and who can take care of you. and in case you didn't know, that is ME! :) seriously though, you're my baby. technically you belong to mom and dad, but let's be real. you're my baby too. i have pictures to prove it.

and to all of them i'd say that i'm not mad. that i miss them. that i want to be involved in their lives, if they'd take me back. and i want them to be involved in mine, if that's what they want.

i won't make the first step though. i can't. i don't know how. and i don't feel like i should have to, because i'm not the one who walked away. i will say though, that i wouldn't be mean. i wouldn't judge. i would listen to their sides of it all. and i wouldn't have to forgive, because i already have. i understand in ways they can't possibly comprehend.

i moved to Denver to get away because i felt suffocated. now that i'm alone, i realize just how much i miss being part of a family. i've created my own little family of friends, etc. and that is good enough most of the time. but i miss the parties, the teasing, and the people who've known me longer than i've known myself.

i'm not expecting any changes, and i've come to peace with the fact that i can't change anyone. but i've changed myself. and i'm continuing to change. 
i didn't tell anyone this, but the drive to Denver was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. it was mostly silent, and i came across this song.
it brought me so much peace. there isn't one single line that i don't feel deeply in my heart.

i am moving on. i'm done with the past. and i would love to have some company on the journey that lies ahead of me. 

i hope this doesn't offend anyone. it's not at all my intention, and i tried to tread carefully through a very sensitive topic. i'm not perfect, so there's no way i could have written this perfectly. my intentions are pure, and i expect nothing in return. i just felt like i had to get a few things off my chest tonight. i tried to write this with all the love i have in my heart. i tried to be respectful, and i hope people can see that i'm trying.

 to get ahold of me, my e-mail is jayciespacie@gmail.com .

studio apartment problems. nbd.

sooo....i wrote an entire post about my place. i posted it from my phone.
and then i tried to edit it from my phone and deleted the whole thing.
but i will recreate for my lover and super hot girlfriend, ashlee adkins.

my place is a mess. perhaps i'll post pictures tomorrow of the before and after mess.
everything kind of fell apart this week. but i realized something today.

it can all be cleaned up. and it's not even that hard, once you commit.

so, anyways. i posted a hundred pictures. because i finally have plans for my place!!! yay! now, when my bank account will allow it, changes will be happening up in here.

so, without further ado, here are my plans for my squalid little studio:

i'm thinking something like this. my bed is up high now, but if i put it closer to the ground, i'm hoping it'll be less of a focal point and will help it seem more like a bedroom and living room instead of just a bedroom.

i LOVE this idea. i've already got a couple bottles lined up. just need to find some fun yard and go crazy. such a fun way to add a pop of color to my boring palette.

i have a couple tables that are a little cuter than these, but i think this would be cute. i'm thinking instead of black/brown, have a yellow/coral table. and then a pretty turqouise/lavender.

i wanna do this because i have the ugliest blinds ever. plus, i'm in the bottom corner apartment and there are always little screaming savages outside, so i don't open my windows. i don't have any lights in my main living area, so it would also be a good way to get some light in here.

instead of the weird candles though, i'd put a table with a couple chairs for a little eating area. i desperately need more seating.

and i wouldn't do brown. maybe a light blue or yellow for the curtains. that would be pretty!

i love this idea. i'll probably put it above my bed. i desperately need color, like i've said. and with some cute paper and maybe some randomly placed photos of my favorite humans, it could get really fun and cute.

this will be in my otherwise normal, girly bathroom. i feel no need to justify the fact that i'm six-years-old...

this is made out of rolled up magazines. not only is it an awesome way to recycle magazines i'd normally just throw away, but it's colorful, and kinda funky/fun. plus, no way would i be sad getting rid of it, because it would be so easy to replace. 

i have a million more ideas. just ask my pinterest. but that's a good place to start for now! :)