so here's the thing...

first things first, i'm a grown up. i've lived alone. taken care of myself, and i feel i've proven that i can make choices for myself and live with the consequences, no matter what they may be.

that being said, let me explain my reasoning behind allowing Handy Manny back into my life.
this requires a little backtracking...

when we met, i started flying out there. he came out here once.
he made it very clear he didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else from the time we started talking.

he told me even before i moved to Denver that we weren't going to be together.

he told me not to move to denver for him.
i assured him that i wasn't.

he told me not to fall for him.
i assured him that i wouldn't. i also told him he shouldn't fall for me either.

i moved to denver. and we got really close.
he kept saying he didn't want a relationship with me, that i should date other people.
he dated other people. so did i, but i still hoped we'd be together.

i never told him how i felt. i never told him that i was moving to Denver because i wanted to be with him. i never told him that i wanted a relationship with him, that i was falling in love with him.
i told everyone else, but never him.
and i didn't tell him because i didn't think it would have made a difference.
who knows now if it would have? there's no point to speculating over what might have been.

aside from the part where i was in love with him, we were best friends. we told each other everything. we called each other out on issues, we talked through things, and we made each other better people.

there was also the physical benefit of having someone else around. being lonely sucks, and when we were together, we definitely took advantage of having a person around to kiss and cuddle.
the physical aspect of our relationship was NEVER what our friendship was based on. it was only ever a perk. and anyone who doubts this on any level needs to think about it logically. he was in Denver, i was in Utah. that makes for a pretty expensive friend with benefits, doesn't it?
if he had wanted a friend with benefits, i am confident he would have found someone in Denver.
and anyone who thinks that's the only reason he's back in my life can think again. if i were still in Denver, i'd see how one could reason that it was for physical reasons. but i'm back in utah, which makes me a pretty expensive friend who's only good for benefits...

our friendship has never been--and will never be--that shallow.

then he met a girl that he liked, could see himself being with, someone he would fall for.
and i was crushed because i had been choosing to see his actions as a show of his intentions, when he'd been telling me all along that he didn't want to be with me.
i became a crazy monster because of it.

i did everything in my power to keep them apart.
i talked to her about things that were wrong with him.
things that would make her doubt him.
i pointed out her flaws to him, in the hopes he'd realize i was a better fit for him than she was.

at the end, he told me he had to try things with her.
he told me he could see how great i was, and that on some level, he thought i was right. but he had to try things with her because if he didn't, he would always regret that and always wonder how things would have gone if he'd tried that.

i loved him. i was in love with him. and i was devastated by that, because i could see that she wasn't good for him, and that i could be better for him than she was.

i knew if he chose me he'd always wonder how things would have gone with her,
and that would have killed me. it would have always made me question whether he actually wanted to be with me or if he was just with me because i'd made him choose me.

when we stopped talking, that was because of me.
i had made choices during the course of our friendship that i knew would crush him.
i had lied and kept those things from him because i was terrified of losing him.

looking back at it now, i see a huge error with my own actions. i never told him how i felt.
i was always afraid that i'd lose him. that's not a healthy way to approach any relationship...

i now, more than ever, understand what i want from a relationship.
i want someone i can be my silly little self with.
i want someone i can love fully, and who i'm not afraid to share those feelings with.
i want someone who wants me, every little bit of me.
i want someone i can be honest with, someone i can tell everything to, never having to worry about the reaction.

so, at the end, i was honest with him. i told him everything i'd done to hurt him.
and i was right. he was crushed. and he stopped talking to me, as i knew he would do.
i told him those things with the intention of breaking my own heart.
i knew he would stop talking to me, which was what i wanted because he was trying to keep me in his life as a friend.

i couldn't be "just friends" with him.
not while he was dating someone else and i was in love with him.
so, i broke my heart so i wouldn't have to try to figure out a way to get over him while staying in his life.

it was messy, because of me.

and, i was a mess after it ended. i cried for weeks. i couldn't eat. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't breathe.
but i lived. i moved on, assuming that there wouldn't ever be any closure.

two months later, i made the decision to move home to go to school.
i didn't make that decision because of him.
i made that decision because it was, and still is, what's best for me.

when he called me last week, he told me he couldn't get me off his mind, that he was miserable.
he'd ended things with the girl he'd lost me over.
and he missed me. he wasn't mad at me anymore over how things had ended.
we talked through things and left it at that. neither of us really had any idea how we wanted things to play out, and we made no promise that we'd talk again.

the next day we talked again. he asked me questions he needed to ask.
questions i answered honestly, because he deserved the truth. and because i had nothing to lose.
i asked him questions too, questions he answered honestly.

we talked the next day. and the next.
and things have come out in that time that make me really think things might go differently this time around.
he's told me very plainly what his intentions are.
he's going to try to date me, to see where a real relationship with me could go, as more than just friends.

i've told him i plan on getting married, that if this goes somewhere, i want a commitment. a serious commitment.
i've told him i'm not moving back to Denver. i moved home to go to school, and i'm not going anywhere until i have a degree.

for the first time ever, i've been completely honest with him.
he was always completely honest with me.

and this time around, having gone through the heartbreak of losing him before, i now know what i need to do to be the kind of person he deserves and who i deserve to be. i am happy with myself, which means i could be happy with him. my happiness will never again depend on him or anyone else, and i can now be truthful with him, even if that means i'll lose him again.

so, to everyone who's worried about this, who thinks i'm stupid for giving him another chance, don't.
i'm a big girl. i have thought this through, and in some ways i'm still thinking it through.
i know it won't be easy.
both he and i have things to work through so we'll be able to trust each other again.
we both understand that we were hurt by each other, and that it'll take a little while to get over that.

but, we both also know that we really missed each other during the time we weren't speaking.
there's got to be some reason why he couldn't get me off his mind.
and i'm sure there's a reason why i feel peace over this, why i'm not afraid of him hurting me.

we're going to take it really slow.
and we're just going to see where it could go.

and...if people can't deal with that...tough. i'm a big girl. and i can make big girl decisions.
i would just hope everyone in my life who wants the best for me could look past what happened then, and give him a second chance like i am. i understand that people want what's best for me, and don't want to see me make the same mistake.

i don't feel like i am. i truly feel like he's changed and is changing for the better.
the Handy Manny who broke my heart two months ago was a selfish human, one who didn't want to change.
the one who came back into my life last week has done nothing but tell me how happy he is that we're talking again, and really has made good changes in his life.
if i ever feel that he's not treating me well enough, or isn't the kind of man i want to be with, i have no problem letting go again.

so please, please just love me.

even if you don't agree, just love me anyways. if he breaks my heart again, feel free to tell me you told me so. but don't try to ruin it before it has a chance to start. he might just be the best thing for me, you know?

i really do love and appreciate my family and friends, and it means a lot to me that so many people have expressed their concern over this. and i really hope having more of the story has helped you see that i'm not just jumping back into the same situation.

honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings that people think poorly enough of me to think i'd go back to someone who wouldn't change. i am incredible. i've changed soooo much in the past five years. even now, i'm constantly trying to change myself for the better. and as such, i need someone who will engage me intellectually and emotionally. i need someone who wants to be a better person all the time, someone who is always changing for the better too. and right now, i really think Handy Manny might be that guy.

so, give us a shot. pretty please?