Thursday, September 18, 2014

Taken without permission.

I saw this image today that spoke volumes to me for many, many different reasons. First, take a look. Then I'll explain.

To be honest, I can't speak more to how completely accurate this chart is. I saw it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been in survival mode for a year and a half, easily. I've been so caught up on simply getting by that I haven't taken one single measure to fix any of these things. I've been strong and brave. I've kept it all together all the time. Rarely have I fallen apart, if ever. I became a pro at fixing up my hair, putting on clothes, and applying make-up. For all intents and purposes, I've been hiding.

I don't stop to check myself often. There are quick little check-ups here and there. A simple, "it doesn't hurt that bad, i can keep going," to get me by. But is that really any way to live?

Moving to Cedar City was both good and bad for my poor soul. Prior to now, I was surrounded by people all the time. Every single day I was surrounded by my mom and dad, my brothers, Jordan, and Henley. My friends, my grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. Everyone. And they were always just right there. So I kept up my big girl charade. Anyone in the world can tell you I'm a pro at that.

Then I moved.

Instantly I went from being completely surrounded to being entirely by myself. Yes, I still have Henley. But she goes to bed around 8:00 p.m. and is in daycare for 6-7 hours every day, not to mention nap time. Yes, I technically still have Jordan. But she works from 3:30 p.m. to midnight and has school before that. 

Physically I'm probably only alone for four or five hours a day. Emotionally is a completely different story. I'm always alone. I don't have friends in Cedar City. I don't have anyone I text religiously anymore. A few weeks ago, I fell apart entirely. I didn't do the dishes. I did my homework poorly and not because my heart was in it. I snapped at anyone who tried to get to close.

Henley was the ONLY person who got the best of me. I lived, breathed, smiled, and laughed for her. I wouldn't say I was depressed then. I was simply shocked. It's like all the emotion I've been holding/hiding from burst into my consciousness, so I closed my eyes in an effort to avoid it at all costs. Yet suddenly I found myself being driven crazy by the relentless way in which all of these issues demanded to be dealt with. Emotions insisting that they be felt. 

Every. Single. Thing. Has come to a head, all at once.
Financially, I can barely pay my bills.
Spiritually, I'm battling my past and current beliefs.
Emotionally, I have a year and a half of emotions that are now refusing to rest until they're dealt with.
Physically, I'm exhausted. I've been a little sick. 

In every single aspect, I have struggled. 

So I've lashed out. A little bit has come out at people like Jordan and a few other friends/relatives.
But mostly I've put myself through a constant, serious, and quite frankly, grueling beating.

I haven't been kind to myself. I've been on a downward spiral and I'm now out of breath. And I'm not only out of breath, I physically can't breathe. I've been taking shallow, tiny breaths. Like a constant state of panic has taken over my body, heart, and soul.

Instead of dealing with anything, I've started to search for a man. Literally anyone will do. I just need someone to rescue me. From my life. From my situation. From myself...
When I didn't find a man, I latched onto any human who seemed safe, like they wouldn't hurt me. No one deserves that though, no one deserves to have to deal with the constant highs and lows that come with a Jaycie in the current state I'm in.

Why? Why is all of this happening to me?

I can't pin it down to one single event.
But seeing that picture today, specifically the words, "something done to us-taken from us without permission," struck a nerve.

In the past seven years, I have had many things taken from me, most notably:
My innocence.
My marriage.
My confidence.
My self-worth.

I feel like all the events of the past several years have led up to this moment, this awareness. The most obvious thing taken from me without my permission was my marriage. I didn't want a divorce. Even after it was over, I fought for my marriage. I fought brutally. I was mean and spiteful. 
When it became clear it was really over, I checked out entirely. Instead of letting any hurt show, I was logical, sarcastic, and distant.

The problem with that, of course, is that I'm a very sensitive soul. I need to feel things. In reality, I need to feel everything. I process the entire world around me through emotions. So to ignore that entirely has left me in quite the mess.

Honestly, I'm at a loss. I don't know where to go from here.
There are teeny, tiny ideas that keep popping up, just silly little tidbits that I think might help.
I need to do some yoga.
I need to run.
I need to eat better.
I need more water.
I need to read more.
I need to get a massage.
I need to learn how to breathe.
I need to let myself cry, those full body sobs, the struggle to breathe through the agony.
I need to open up the lid on that box and feel, acknowledge, and come to peace with all the things I've been desperately avoiding for the last year and a half.

And yet, as I write those things, this horrible dread consumes me. I can't go there, to that place. What if it destroys me? What if I simply can't make sense of it all?

But even worse than that? What if I can?

I haven't been whole in quite some time. I truly can't remember the last time I was okay. I've grown accustomed to being a wreck. It's been a constant and I've grown used to that, comfortable with the discomfort. 

I simply don't know how to be okay. There are glimpses here and there of what that looks like and feels like. But I haven't ever stayed there long and I'm terrified.

Worse even than that, what if I as the broken, wreck of a soul that I am, simply isn't capable of being whole anymore? Then what? 

As far as I can tell, something must be done before all of the forces fighting within me simply consume me anyway. But what, if anything can be done now?