oh, life.

my back is back to bad.
it hasn't been this bad in....months?
definitely time to see my favorite human, the chiropractor.
i could also use a massage, but who has the time?

i've spent the entire weekend at home, which has been good.
i don't relax enough, so it was good to slow it all down and regroup.
i painted my nails.
i baked.
i read books. which i love to do. and will absolutely be making more time for.
i did yoga.
i went to a spin class.
i had time to set my priorities.

that being said, i'm such a mess.
everything about me is a contradiction to something else about me.
i'm completely unsure of what to do with my life.
i know i'm going to school here at USU.
spring semester or wait until fall? who knows.
no, i'm not talking about the where to go choices.

i mean the things that make me a good person. the things that determine how my life ends up.
do i continue to be a good mormon, even though there are things i don't agree with, things that don't make sense, and that make me not want to be a good mormon? or do i overlook those things, find a nice boy to settle down with, and live happily ever after as a relief society president soccer mom? it sounds okay to me.

right now i'm torn.
i really like being bad. sinning is obviously something i'm familiar with.
being good kinda sucks. it doesn't make me any happier, as far as i can tell, however, it is a little bit more in line with how i want my life to go.
but, yeah. i don't know.
doesn't help when people are so quick to judge me. like they don't have skeletons in their own closets...
do i sound a little bitter there? oh, that would be because i am.
there's nothing more i hate than being treated like less of a person because i've made mistakes. don't pull your holier-than-thou attitude with me...it really just makes you seem scared that perhaps i actually am happy, that perhaps it would be okay to live life in a way that you deem sinful, heaven forbid.

probably isn't even appropriate to post this blog, as it's just a view into my crazy mixed up brain.
until i figure it out, i will attend church. i will be the poster child of a good little LDS girl.
i'm just saying, maybe this isn't the only way to be happy...

ugh. my back really hurts.
and that's probably why i'm such a basket case...
i don't deal with agony very well.