Monday, September 2, 2013


Metaphorically, hearts are about as deep as one can go.
Physically, it's just a muscle required to keep one alive. 

Curious then, that a muscle with no other purpose than pumping blood could ache so thoroughly...

And even more curious, the way that muscle affects everything else in the body. 

When a heart aches, the lungs have to work a little harder to breathe. The ears work a little harder to hear. Eyes try harder not to cry. Brains ache with the struggle of trying to determine the problem and how to solve it.

Such a damper that a little muscle can put on an otherwise healthy being...

So then, how does one fix a seemingly physical issue that doesn't seem to have a tangible cause? 

Riddle me that...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

namaste, and thoughts on my body.

first of all, a funny:

Namaste [nah-muh-stey]
A really slacker way of saying "Nah, I'm gonna stay".
1: Yo, you gonna come with us to Tony's afterparty?
2: Namaste.

no idea why that made me laugh so hard, but seriously funny!

now, for real, a post on my body stuff...
i, Jaycie Leishman, am a little bit of a lazy, super fatty.
i got into a really good groove last year of working out often, riding my bike a ton, and eating better.
i lost 30 pounds. then i moved home, life got crazy, and i gave up. and i gained back about 15 pounds of that 30. soooo discouraging. which made things worse, of course. then i found a sit-down always job, which led me to be way less active. i got lazy. i did NOTHING for my body.

now, i always have had a bad back. well, at least for the last year. i worked out in spite of it, and it really seemed to be getting better. then i stopped. and not only did all the progress i made disappear, my body got worse. my back has been in a constant state of pain for the better part of the last two or three months.

i lost all flexibility in my body, it seems like. i lost a lot of muscle and strength.
it has gotten to the point where i can barely sit up without something behind me without causing incredible pain in my back, both from the lack of core strength and because of how tight my spine is.

i'm not okay with this.

so, a few days ago, i went to the gym. i took a yoga class and signed up on the spot. $20/month is a small price to pay for my life back, i think.

the first class was good. it was a little tiny taste of what i've been missing. it reminded me why i really love to workout.
the second day...not so good. i was so discouraged when i left. there was a girl in class who was bending like a pretzel. i barely bend at all, which made me so sad. i had a bad day because of it. i let someone else's progress get in the way of my own.
today, day three, went much better. i had a very productive day and went to the gym in a great mood. instead of focusing on the other people there, i focused on myself. i listened to my body, and i pushed myself a little harder. and i was rewarded with a little bit of progress. my hips, legs, and spine are starting to loosen up. i can sit up without aid with no help and way less pain. i'm getting there.

at the end of every yoga class, everyone says, "Namaste."
The real meaning and definition varies person to person. Some people believe it means one thing, others think it means something else entirely. Basically it means, "The light in me recognizes and celebrates the light in you."

Tonight at yoga, the sweet little instructor, Lauren, said, "The light, love, and purity within me recognizes the light, love, and purity in you."
I don't know why that struck me like it did, but talk about a tear-jerker! I cried a little. Okay...a lot.

Namaste, the core of all yoga is so simple, but the complexity and deepness of it is very awe-inspiring.

for me, tonight, it was a reminder that within myself there is light. I shine so very bright, and the ONLY person who can put that light out is me. on that same note, I can add a little gas, shine a little brighter, and be a force for good.
within me there is love. so much love, not only for myself, but for those around me. it was a reminder that i am love. on my very best day, i'm happy not because of the things that happen to me, but because of the love i've been able to give. when i'm sharing parts of myself, no matter how small, i am always a happier person.
within me there is purity. sometimes i let the little things build and build until it seems like there is no purity. but really, i'm a sensitive little soul. things really get to me. i'm not a malicious person. i'm not a negative person. i'm a very happy, hopeful, sweet, caring human. and though i may not seem particularly good to some, i am a good girl. i have a very pure heart and generally speaking, my intentions mirror that.

those are things i've been forgetting lately. i've been very hard on myself. i constantly scrutinize my body, my face, my hair, my wardrobe, everything in my life. i look at it, judge it, and decide that it isn't good enough.
it's negatively impacting my marriage, my entire life, really.
that isn't okay with me.

so, i will be patient with myself. i will have a no-excuses outlook and will go to the gym every day and try to make good food choices. i will be gentle with my heart and soul when i come up short, and won't give up over a few bad days like i have in the past.

so for now, there are a few things i will try to remember every day:
my life will not change if my daily habits stay the same.
if i'm still in my comfort zone, i'm still warming up.
i will be fearless, start to finish.
amazing people don't just happen. there is work involved.
there is very little i can gain without any pain.
a mile is a mile, no matter how long it takes. and i'm absolutely lapping everyone sitting on the couch.
a 1-hour workout is only 7% of my waking hours. i can bust my butt for 7% of my day!
every little step i make gets me closer to my goal.
feeling better will be be my initial reward. eventually the pounds will fall off, my body will look better, and i'll reach my goals, but for now, simply feeling better will be enough.

mostly, it comes down to this one thing: i work soooo hard at everything else i do in my life. why wouldn't i work that hard or harder for myself. i'm beautiful, amazing, and i can do hard things, because i'm absolutely worth it.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

blog funk...

i'm in a funk. a serious one.
i don't want to post about my life because it's boring.
all i do is watch Grey's anatomy, sew quilts, and paint my nails.

i joined a gym today. (monday.)
i'm totes going to yoga at 10. or spin at 11. maybe both. we will see.
green smoothies have captured my heart. maybe i'll post my top-secret recipe.

Easter is this weekend. that deserves a post all by itself. i'm sooooo excited!
i should call my mom and grandmas more.
my husband will be home in three days! :)

so, as for this blog funk. please, lovelies, tell me what to write about.
lest you be tormented with nail polish, quilt pictures, and my deep thoughts that come from my obsession with Grey's anatomy...

Saturday, March 16, 2013

a lonely weekend.

Andrew's gone for some ARMY stuff. don't ask me anything about that.
i don't have a clue what he does. i just know he's way important. and he's gone.

i miss him. i've only been away from him for 13 or 14 hours or something, but i miss him.
especially since i'm home without him. it's our home and it's very empty without him.

i'm watching grey's anatomy.
i painted my nails and toenails today. in case you paint your nails, get Nicole Drying Drops. (they're amazing.)
i went shopping for all manner of things. i found some monster pj's that my biggest little boy will love.
i compared millions of laundry detergents.
i found a little sample size one that i can use eight times to see if i'll love it. it was only $3. i LOVED that.
i'm absolutely dreading my bed tonight, because they won't be holding Andrew too.

just so you know, the funfetti poptarts or cupcake ones, whatever they're called.
i don't really love them. they taste too much like cake, which freaks me out.
i bought baby spinach and fruits and juice to make healthy smoothies.
i'm afraid of what will happen when i'm out of leftovers, since i don't cook for myself.
i cook for Andrew and our boys.

without them here with me, i might wilt away. so i'll make millions of smoothies.
i'll finish my quilt. maybe i'll make a couple more.
i need to find a job. it'll require some creativity, since i don't want just any other crappy job.
and best of all, i'll drive hours to see my man. he can't come to me, so i'll go to him! :)

Friday, March 15, 2013

i came back to Denver.

the reasons why don't really matter much. i'm okay with saying that is really isn't anyone's business at this point, but i will explain a little.
i prayed about it. i read my scriptures. and unlike the decision i made to leave, which i now think was a little premature, i weighed it out for a few days and considered the pros and cons.
ultimately i feel really great about it. i love Andrew. i always have, and in so many ways he's always been the one. that's not to say that i think i can only be happy with him, that i never would have found love again, etc.

what it really comes down to, is that i didn't want to find someone else. i didn't want to replace the love of my life. i already found him. and i made that decision once. i married this sweet, sweet man, which is a big deal.

if people disagree with that, i'm not concerned. after all, i'm the only person who has to sleep with my choices. i'm sure it'll be hard for us sometimes. i'm not naive in thinking this will be easy. i just know with him by my side, it'll be worth it. it will all work out for us, i have so much faith in that.

for those of you, my amazing readers and friends who have never met Andrew, let me paint a picture of this man i love.

even after i left him, he asked me repeatedly to come back. not out of desperation, not because he needs me to survive, but because he loves me. that may sound like a small thing to some people, but had he been the one who left, i never would have wanted to talk to him again. i never would have let him come back. i wouldn't have wanted him to. we're different in that way.

while i was gone, he not only asked me to come back, he took care of me emotionally. he listened to me cry. he listened to me as i changed my mind several times about staying in utah or coming back to denver. he supported me through all of that, putting my needs above his own. he paid all my bills so i wouldn't have to figure it out myself.

he's an amazing guy, he really is. and in 97 out of 100 ways, he is perfect for me. i like those odds. if i were a gambling woman, which i am not, i would put my chips on us. and here's why: because we love each other. we're determined that love will be enough, and we're both just stubborn enough to make that happen.

i gave up for a little while because i was scared. the future terrifies me, always. i want to know everything that's going to happen. i love to watch movies i've seen a million times. i love to re-read books over and over. in movies i've never seen, i panic for the characters. i stress and stress and stress. Andrew, on the other hand, hates to watch movies over and over. he thrives on the unknown, and though he might not always know how things will work out, he just somehow knows that they will. so, i'm going to let him hold my hand. i'm going to let him reassure me when things get hard, i'm going to tell him my fears and my dreams. i'm going to be his partner in crime and let him be mine.

and from here on out, you won't get all the details, details that should have been between Andrew and I. i'm going to be busy living my life with him in a way that will leave little time for speculating and talking it over with everyone else. i love him, and this commitment i made won't be taken as lightly as i've taken it in the past going forward in the future.

that is all for now! :) with that behind us, let's move on to happier, better things, shall we?

Saturday, March 2, 2013

the quickest of updates...or not.

i am sick. not contagious, but i have a hacking cough that would make you run.
my mom is using all manner of essential oils on me, in hopes of curing me. it's not going so well....
if that doesn't work, Monday will be "visit the doctor" day.

i bought some paint. my room has been purple but i need a change.
so i bought paint. it's grey. the name is Vessel Gray. have i ever mentioned how much i love vessels?
probably that goes back to days of ceramics and clay, but those days are not yet over. i promise.
inside my grey room will go happy colors. it'll be a little oasis from the rest of the world.
i even bought fabric to make my own quilt. happy, bright fabrics that will make you swoon.

i've been going back to the basics.
who are my bffs? my family. the mom, dad, jordan, kegan, mcCade, and nicklas.
i've been spending time building puzzles with my grandparents.
my grandma feeds me everything. my grandpa always said, "that is NOT where that goes..." and he's always right. (i am good at puzzles. we do hard ones though, and they require a certain amount of guessing...)
my nails have been neglected and i wear the same clothes a bunch of times a week.

it's old tunes instead of new ones, and comfort food instead of trying out new recipes.
i went to the library. there is a comfort in borrowing books, knowing that my eyes have not been the first, nor will they be the last to read those very same words.
there has been popcorn eating, scary movies at home with the family on friday night, and baked goods.
there's spring in the air, but like always, it will come when it's ready and not a second sooner.

and, like always when i need a place to heal, i've been back at ColdStone.
i'll never be able to express to the owner and management how much it means that they take me back, no questions asked, every time. i've said it a million times before, but this time is the last time. however, this time i have plans to be there for a very long time. it's my one true love, so far.

i cry pretty much every single day, and i really really miss my best friend.
i know that i am in the right place, that i will be okay without him, that this is the best thing for me.
but i still miss him. and i'm letting myself feel that. i think it's terribly important to feel mad when i'm mad, and sad when i'm sad. it's also important to smile too though, and i've been doing some of that as well.

the thing on my mind right now is that this isn't chaos. i'm exactly where i need to be, like this was planned in some way. there's peace that comes with that, a hopeful kind of peaceful sadness that just takes a little extra time.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

if love were enough...

Today, i am numb. The past week has been a whirlwind of hard, stressful things, and part of me wants to tell everyone who asks me what's going on that it's really none of their business. I do recognize, however, that most people who ask me what's going on are genuinely concerned about me, so I've decided to give everyone a brief overview of what has been going on in order to answer questions.

Andrew and I got married on New Year's Eve. At the time, I had planned on leaving the church and was more than okay with that decision. There are a few things about Andrew that, because I wasn't planning on ever going back to the LDS church, were completely fine with me at the time. I love him with all my heart and was looking forward to a long, happy life with him.

A few weeks into our marriage, I started feeling prompted to go back to church. I brushed it off, knowing that if I went back to church, we'd eventually have little in common and our marriage would suffer for it. A couple more weeks went by and these promptings got stronger and stronger. I'd been feeling like maybe I should leave, but I was so conflicted because I really truly love him.

The week of Valentine's Day I decided to leave. We'd talked about the things I had issues with in our marriage, and he told me he would never be LDS, that though he'd support my choice in going, he wouldn't ever go, and that he didn't want any future children to attend the LDS church, unless I'd be willing to take them to other churches for variety.

He also told me he wasn't in a place in his life where he would be willing to give up the things that made me uncomfortable. That day, we decided to stay married. I would go back to church and work on devoting myself to my faith, and when the time came, he and I would have discussions about the things he did that made me uncomfortable. For a time, this seemed like a good solution.

Then, the night before my birthday, we went to a house-warming party where Andrew participated in things that I wasn't comfortable with. He took it way too far, and I knew if I didn't leave him then, I was never going to leave, and all i could think was, "Am I okay with that? Am I willing to keep myself in this situation? Am I willing to eventually put our children in this situation?"

Because I love him, I spent hours making lists of the pros and cons of staying. I made justifications to myself and my Heavenly Father why I should stay. I wasn't completely at peace with that decision, so at that point, I prayed. I prayed like I never had before. I prayed for peace and comfort. I prayed to be able to stay. I prayed for help to stop feeling like I should leave my husband. Still no peace. Finally I asked my Heavenly Father what he thought of me leaving. Instantly, I was filled with peace. I had my answer and knew what I needed to do. I told my Heavenly Father that before my decision was set in stone, I would talk to Andrew and give him a choice. If he would promise to give up the things that made me uncomfortable and at least be willing to have an open mind about the church, I would stay and try to work it out. I felt peaceful in that decision, but also knew that if he wouldn't agree to my terms, that I would have to leave.

The next morning, we had a very long talk about the things he'd done and why I wasn't okay with them and why he didn't feel like he should give them up. I asked him if he would quit those things in order for me to stay and he told me no, that he wasn't ready to do that. So I told him I was leaving. He asked me if I was really going to leave this time, and I told him I was.

It was my birthday, so he still took me out to dinner and bought me ice cream. We went home and watched some TV, and I stayed as close to him as possible, wanting to soak in every possibly minute I could with the man I love, knowing that within a few days, he would no longer be mine, and that I would have to be okay with that.

We didn't fight. Ultimately, Andrew understands why I needed to do this. He's said that he's proud of me for making such a hard decision and choosing to follow my heart. He said he'll miss me, that he'll be heartbroken over me leaving, but that it's better to go our separate ways now rather than a year from now, or even five or ten years from now when there are babies, cars, and a mortgage to consider.

I'm completely devastated. I am in love with him. He's one of the best guys I've ever met, and I'm crushed that though we're in love, we can't be together because of a religion and some selfish choices on both our parts. if only love were enough...

On Tuesday, with my car packed and my tank full of gas, I gave my husband, my lover, and my best friend, a final hug and a good-bye kiss, climbed in my car, and drove back to Utah to pick up the pieces of my heart, and to start over, again.

We'll be getting an annulment, which will make it financially and legally as if we were never married at all. It will be erased from history, except for our hearts, where we both know it happened. I can't speak for him, but I am so glad that it happened, that I was able to spend a tiny part of my life with the man that I loved, the man who took care of me in almost every single way. He's the man who loved me enough to let me go, who didn't ask me to stay because he knew that I probably would have.

Two days later, I still feel like my world is falling apart. I feel like I can't breathe. I'm barely eating, and sleeping way too much. I haven't unpacked my car, because it's too cold outside, and I'm in a place emotionally where I can't physically handle the cold. My heart is physically aching, and I'm feeling like a part of my heart has gone missing.

There are reports that when people lose a limb, they sometimes experience what is called Phantom Limb. It's where their brain can't come to terms with the fact that the limb is gone, and it caused them physical pain as their brain searches desperately for the limb that is no longer there. I feel a little like that. There's a part of me that Andrew filled that is now empty, and I have to come to terms with that. He's not here next to me, and no matter how many times I instinctively try to find his hand to hold or fall into his hug, he isn't there to catch me. It's my fault, as I'm the one who chose to leave, but that doesn't make me hurt any less or less real, it doesn't make this physical and emotional agony go away.

I'm trying desperately to see what the point of this pain is. I'm simply clinging onto the faith that through the promptings of my Heavenly Father I've done the right thing and that He will guide me through this.

So I ask that you all give me space and time to let my heart heal. I will talk to anyone who has questions, who needs help understanding this choice I've made. I would love to hear from people who wish to share supporting words and encourage me. What I don't need is judgement. I do not want to hear that I made a mistake, that I should have thought about all of this before I even decided to get married. I know all of those things already, and I'm sure that I'm beating myself up over this much more than anyone else could.

So please, just love me. Try to understand what I'm going through. If you want to talk to me, you don't have to tell me that you're sorry. You don't have to say anything at all. I know that you care, but that you don't know what to say. I don't know what to say to myself. I don't know what to do right now in any aspect of my life, with the exception that I know I'm where I need to be, and that the Atonement and Gospel of my Savior, Jesus Christ, will help me to mend my  broken heart.

I just wish that love had been enough...

Friday, February 1, 2013

Our new-ish place! :)

i promised this blog weeks ago...two weeks ago, to be exact. because that's how long we've been living here.
i wish i could say i had a good reason for not doing this...
i took the pictures and everything.
i was just too lazy to go to my bedroom to get my phone cord so i could upload them to my computer.
that's it. laziest human ever? yes. sometimes.

so, without further waiting, my house:

here's my bathroom. it's got his and her sinks, which we LOVE. it makes it so nice not to have to share tons of space. pardon the mess. we're still working some kinks out!
 that's our shower AND tub. you know what that means? i can have a bath every single day in my huge tub. and i do. Andrew showers, and i bathe in our huge tub. another place we don't share space. i love it.
here's our bedroom. it's way way way bigger than his place was. (i say his place because it never felt like mine. i didn't ever even unpack my stuff there.)
that's Penny on the bed. she's the dog i gave him for Christmas. She's Wallice's wife. so he wouldn't be lonely without me.
 the opposite side of our bedroom.
our super huge closet. there's space for all of our stuff! :) it doesn't look huge here, but it is.
 my laundry room. we keep our tools and stuff in here too, so it's more of a utility room, but it's so nice to be able to do laundry and everything in our home.
 this is our (my) desk area/medicine cabinet with a pretty good view of our dining room. Andrew's place didn't have a dining area, and it's seriously been so nice when we've had the boys to have a place to sit and eat. we've found they eat so much better when they aren't just watching a movie at the same time. plus, who doesn't love family dinner?
 here's one view of our living room. this is taken with me standing in the dining room.
 my super huge kitchen! i love all the space i have. i haven't decorated any of our house yet, as you can tell. we can't decide on lots of things, plus our budget is currently saying, "hey, no decorating!" but we have plans!
 this is another view of the living room, from the entry way.
 another view. it's not a square room, though i feel all of the pictures kind of make it look like it is...

anyways, that's our place! :) it's nothing super special yet, but we're getting there. all in good time. it's OUR place, and i'm thoroughly loving being a wife and sometimes-mommy! It's so crazy to think that I'm a wife with my own kitchen and bathroom...but, i really do love it! :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

unemployment blows...

i don't have a job. this is the first time since i was 16 i've been unemployed. well, actually i was unemployed for a couple weeks in October, much like this. however, the job i've applied for and am consequently crossing my fingers for, doesn't start until 2/18. happy birthday to me, i hope.
that'll be almost two months of unemployment when i finally start this job, assuming i get it. however, i'm eligible for re-hire AND i passed the assessment. so, i have high hopes.

my days now consist of loving on my man before he leaves for work.
cleaning the house. cooking, if we have no leftovers and/or i feel like it, which today i do not.
working out. when i'm not showered already, which is never. working out. (that'll be changing almost immediately, i hope. i want to be a cute wife. not a fatty-panda wife.)

all i want if/when we find a place to live is a coat rack/hanger.

you know, the ones that look a little like stripper poles...but that isn't what i want it for.

just for coats, hats, scarves, etc.

don't worry.
 i just found this gem at ikea for $29.99.

i especially like the hooks about halfway down.
just sayin'.

i might even get the matching shoe rack, which could double as a bench for me, since i'm a hobbit.
and so now you know the truth. i need a that i will quit online shopping for home things.

we're still waiting to hear back on a place that we like. if it's meant to be, it will work out. but i super duper want it to, because i love it. the kitchen is big and it would be a good home for us, i think.
so, cross your fingers.

in other news, i've watched most of the first season of Girls on HBO this week. more specifically, today. since i've had some time. it's gross. don't watch it, lest you become obsessed like i have.

that's enough. i think i'll stalk out pinterest for awhile. you know, design a house i don't have yet.

Friday, January 4, 2013

two. zero. one. three.

it's a new year. and i'm having a new adventure being married.
i'm a domestic little diva now. watch are sure to come.

being married is wonderful. i love this sweet man a little more each day.
yesterday he came in, looked at me, and burst out laughing.

i was wearing the cutest apron my mom made for me, making some taco soup.
and he just lost it. finally he said it was because i was a cute little wife, that's all.

he told me a lady he works with said he seems really happy.
then he told me he is happy, knowing he gets to come home to a happy wife, yummy food, and plenty of cuddles.
he loves my cooking.
so, we're turning into fatties! ;)
actually, we're totes hitting the gym soon.

today i went to ikea with my friend Jen. we talked all about our men, as we're all newlyweds.
her husband, Shawn, works with Andrew.
they finally met and Shawn congratulated Andrew on our marriage.
someone asked Andrew, "you already got married again?!"
and Andrew replied, "Yeah, but this one is a keeper."

is he not the cutest?
i think so.

i've been a super brat to him the past couple days. pms brings out the absolute worst in me, and it sucks for him because i'm a monster. he's super patient and cute and just offers to love on me and listen to my silly complaints. i'll make it up to him for the next twenty-six days before the process repeats.

i haven't found a job yet, so i'm stressing about how we're going to pay our bills, but it will work out and my Handy Manny keeps assuring me that we'll be fine and that he loves me. we've been married for five days. best decision i've made thus far in my life. i love this guy.

right now he's playing battle games, cuddling the puppy i got him for Christmas. her name is Penny and she's a Jaycie-clone for when we have to be apart. he loves her. even if he won't ever admit it.

i was taking this picture and the flash went off, which made him turn and pull this face. yes, that's a headset. he talks to the buddies he plays with...his face just kills me in this one though, because it's the shock before the smile that says, "jaycie, you are ridiculous!"

as for's going to be a crazy year.
i'm not making any goals. i'm just going to enjoy every moment i have with this sweet man.
i'm so very blessed. it probably would help to remember that always.
i have a sweet, loving man by my side, food in my belly, two sweet little guys to love, and the best family and friends i could ask for. things will work out. and it's going to be a good year.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

we're married! :)

i promised a blog of how i came to be married.
i've been holding off, for the simple reason that we have no pictures together.
is that weird? probably...we just live in the moment rather than try to document it all the time.
it will be my mission this weekend, for sure.

*side note*
i did just try to get him to come over so i could take one of us right now.
but he's busy catching up on Dexter and thinks we should look cute in our first picture together, rather than sweats and no make-up.

*side note number two*
he came over here to take a picture. i don't look cute AT ALL in camera, so i nixed that idea.
he's so cute! :) coming over here just for a picture, only for me to change my mind...poor guy.

(i'm rocking some's moody over here, so all of that moodiness is coming from me.)

okay, anyways....
where to even begin?

three months ago Andrew and I weren't even talking.
i thought we were over for good.

a couple weeks after i moved back to utah he called me.
he said he hadn't been able to stop thinking about me since we'd stopped talking.
we started talking again, one thing led to another, and we pretty much picked up right where we'd left off.

before that he hadn't wanted to date me, but when we started talking again, he decided to give it a try.
naturally, i'm an incredible girlfriend. i really blossom when i don't have to worry about looking/acting/being perfect in the hopes that someone will want me.

he came to visit me the middle of November and we spent an amazing four-day weekend together. we saw movies, talked and laughed, went bowling (he killed me!), and at one point i was a terrible girlfriend and had to go to work.
he went to a football game with my siblings, so it was okay, but i missed him and felt terrible the entire time he was gone!

then he left.
i kept myself busy working, baking, etc. but i missed him really badly. we started contemplating the pros and cons of getting married. i had told him i wouldn't move back to Denver if we weren't married, but he still wasn't sure he wanted me forever.
then i flew to Denver for his graduation the middle of December. i couldn't have been more proud of him, getting his degree, and making his dreams come true. we had an amazing weekend, and i thought he might pop the question, but he never did! (i thought he might propose because we'd talked about Christmas gifts and he'd said silly things like, "it's going to look so sexy on you!" and things like that.)

friday passed with no proposal.

saturday was the same.

sunday he graduated and teased me about it at dinner, but still no proposal.
we got back to his place and watched some TV. i asked him to scratch my back, and decided i better lie in his lap so he could do a good job. he scratched my back for awhile and it slowed to the occasional gentle scratch. eventually i noticed he was spelling words on my back. soooooo slowly.
i didn't realize until he was in the middle of the word "you" what he was writing.
i waited patiently for him to finish writing out, "Will you marry me?" on my back, and then i wrote on his leg, "Yes!"
i turned to look at him and he laughed and said, "i'm just kidding. i don't have a ring."
i was a little bummed, but i didn't want him to propose if he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me.
i could give him some time!

the next day, Monday, and my last day in Denver with him, we just relaxed.

back up. Andrew was sick all weekend. he had a terrible cold, so we kept it to cuddling and no kissing because he didn't want to get me sick too. he still didn't feel very good, so we watched some movies and chilled. he said he wanted to take me to dinner before i left, that i should dress cute, and that he was waiting for a mysterious phone call.
initially he'd said he wanted to leave around 5, but we didn't leave until 6:30. I needed to be at the airport by 8:00, so I was a little antsy that he was taking so long already.

we went to the Park Meadows mall, where he bought me a salad from the food court. way romantic, right? NOT! at that point, i thought he might be about to propose, but i was so mad he was waiting until the very last second. after we ate, he was still looking at his phone non-stop, and then finally he asked, "do you trust me?"
i replied that yes, i did trust him. and then he got up, put on his jacket, grabbed his phone, and then left me there. i panicked a little (okay, a lot...), but finally he came back looking super irritated.

we walked to the car, holding hands and he was complaining, so i finally said, "listen, if you aren't going to tell me why you're so bugged, stop talking about it. i can't help you if you won't talk to me." also, he'd been staring at me all weekend. about halfway through the weekend, i started having serious anxiety over it, because he wouldn't tell me why he'd been staring and i was getting really panicked over it.

so he said, "like you don't know..." i didn't. obviously i had an idea, but i was just too hesitant to go there because i didn't want to be disappointed.

we got in the car and started heading to the airport and i was still just teasing him to tell me what was going on. finally, he cracked and told me everything. he got really serious and asked, "Jaycie, what if i told you there are some things in life that you just can't plan?" i panicked a little. part of me hoped he was about to propose, but a bigger part of me thought he was going to dump me on the way to drop me off at the airport.
i nodded a little and he said, "i didn't plan on meeting you. the timing really sucked and i wasn't ready to meet you yet." he said something else cute, but i don't remember it exactly. then he said, "basically, i've been trying to plan my life, but i just don't want to plan it without you anymore." at this point, he got a little teary-eyed. (okay, me too! but mostly him...) and then he said, "so I was absolutely going to propose to you this weekend. I found a ring that I think you'll love, but it's been being sized." he was waiting for a call from the jeweler that it was done.

he'd planned a proposal with people to take pictures, but that all fell through because the ring wasn't ready.
he also told me that's why he'd been staring at me all weekend. because he wanted to make sure that marrying me was going to be the best thing for both of us, and that he wasn't taking it lightly.

so, at this point we were pretty much at the airport, and i was freaking out. we didn't discuss when we'd get married, and the rest of the drive was just a conversation about when i'd be able to visit next. i told him it would probably be the middle of January and he made sure i knew he hated waiting that long.

we kissed and said good-bye and then i got on the plane home, sad to be leaving, but so relieved he wanted me for real.

the next day, we decided we better just get married asap, because long-distance was the worst. i made plans with work to leave the 28th and we planned on getting married the 31st.

fast-forward through the two longest weeks of my life...

at approximately 10:30 on Friday, December 28th, i got to Denver. the drive was long and terrible and i was sooo wiped out when i finally arrived. i walked in to Andrew's house and he met me at the door with some kissing. (i'll spare you the details.)
we made it to the couch, where i climbed in his lap so i could just be in his arms. then he asked, "do you want your Christmas present?" i knew it was the ring, which he'd picked up that afternoon. i nodded yes, and  he pulled it out and said, "so, i want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you're down."
i responded, "of course i'm down." and then he opened the box!
inside the box was a smaller box. on top was a key to his place. a key for me.
then he pulled out the little box and opened it, and there sat my ring. i was a little worried it wouldn't fit, but it did. almost perfectly. he did so good!

it was gorgeous. and i couldn't stop smiling/giggling/admiring it. we had a relaxed weekend, spent some time with his two boys, William, four, and Alexander, who is two and a half. i love them. they're smart and funny and they're so smart. so, on a slightly unrelated note, i'm not at all sad that i'm now a kinda-mom to the boys.

Monday dawned bright and early. we got ready and drove to the courthouse. Andrew kept asking, "are you sure you want to do this? this is your last chance to change your mind!"

i've known i wanted to marry him for a long time, so that was easy for me.

we got to the courthouse, paid our $31.25, for the marriage license and an extra copy, gave them all of our info, and signed on the lines. we put our right hands in the air and the clerk asked, "Do you solemnly swear that you're up to no good?" we said, "Yes!" and she said, "Now you are married."

so, smiling like fools, we left. it was so fast. it took all of five minutes, the most informal marriage possible, but that part doesn't matter, because it's all the same thing. Andrew is now mine. i am a wife. Mrs. Jaycie Self. that part is still really weird, but i'm a happy clam.

we went to breakfast at the Denver diner, and i snapped some pictures.
(not sure why my face looks so weird...and he wasn't grumpy, he was just thinking and looking at people.)

after breakfast, we came home and i sent my man to work because he couldn't get the day off. so i went to catch up with a friend. and then i went grocery shopping, because i wanted to surprise him with his favorite food! 
i made him meatloaf, his favorite potatoes, and some banana cream pie which he is obsessed with!
obviously, since i'm a chef in addition to being the best wife ever...

did we do it wrong? some people might think so, but it was kind of perfect for us. just a random, happy Monday. and the absolute best way to ring in the new year! together, at last.

and that is how i, Jaycie, became a married person! :)