a melancholy post.

so, i've made it a point the past year or so not to really talk about my personal life on here.
i've made it purposefully vague.
and i've been thinking about that lately.
this is my blog. and i've always been very honest with myself and others.
so, why hide here?

i'm opening back up. my heart NEEDS to open back up.
i miss me. i've been so focused on always doing/saying the right thing, and worrying more about how to survive than how to enjoy living.
things are calming down in my life, which means plenty of time for reflecting.

i've decided to have a summer just for me.
fall back in love with myself. treat myself to movies and dinner alone. read again.
take sewing back up. and baking. and learning to cook for just me or a couple people.

i want to take up running. and maybe get a little color in this skin of mine.

i've been pretty homesick lately.
i miss my parents and my siblings.
i miss my friends.
i miss my grandparents.
i miss familiar places and faces.

i got thinking about my family though. it's kind of bittersweet situation.
my dad's side is good. my grandma loves me. and a couple aunts love me. the rest thing i'm kind of a savage and laugh at some of my jokes. and mostly they love me.

my mom's side doesn't really love me. i've been disowned by most of them. sometimes i creep on facebook, and if i'm being honest, it makes me miss them a lot.

i was molested by my uncle, who was my best friend. what he did was terrible, but i don't think that necessarily makes him terrible. i don't hate him anymore. and i'm finally at a place within myself where i can admit that there are parts of me that miss him. i don't want to see or speak to him. i'm not there yet, and i'm not sure i'll ever be there. he hurt me in more ways than i probably even know.

when my family found out what was going on, everyone was outraged. a lot of people didn't believe me. but i think mostly they already knew the truth and just didn't know how to deal with that.

it's been three years since i talked to most of them. i was about to graduate when people found out that he was being charged, that i'd come forward. there was a lot of animosity, and though no one would speak to me, i eventually heard that people wanted me to drop the charges, that we needed to figure it out as a family. i didn't agree with that then, and i don't agree with it now. there are some things that can't be solved just by talking.

i stood my ground and told the truth, and i was the one hurt by it.

i'm not mad about that. i don't have even one shred of anger in my soul. i think most everyone has probably calmed down and just doesn't know what to say at this point. maybe they feel that i owe everyone an apology over what happened. maybe they're still mad, i really don't know. and maybe they just don't know what to say to fix all the broken bridges.

if i could tell them all one thing, it would be that i'm sorry. not that i'm sorry for what happened. and i'm not sorry for telling the truth. i'm sorry that they felt threatened by the truth. that our family wasn't strong enough to band together and work through something that was devastating to all of us. i'm sorry they felt like disowning me was the right thing to do, when the one thing i could have used most was love and support. i'm sorry they felt like they had to take sides. there were no sides to take. no one won. it was a horrible situation for every person, no matter how directly or indirectly they were involved.

to him i would say that i forgive him. i don't understand how or why he did what he did, but i forgive him. not for his benefit, but for mine. i can't stay mad. it's not who i am or who i ever want to be. i hope more than anything he's gotten help, that he can eventually have relationships with healthy boundaries that were missing when he was in my life. i want him to know i was never seeking justice. i was looking for honesty, for forgiveness, and for closure.

i'm sorry to his kids, my sweet cousins who were touched by this as much as-if not more-than i was. i miss them to the very depths of my soul. i miss watching them grow up, hearing them laugh, and seeing their little crooked smiles. to them i would say that i'm sorry they have to live without their dad. but, i would tell them i did it for them. so their dad could get help, and so the same thing wouldn't happen to anyone else. i hope they're happy, and that one day they can forgive me and see that i didn't do it to hurt them. if there had been a way to avoid that, i would have done it in a heartbeat...

i've heard their mom is in a better place. she's with someone who loves her and treats her like she deserves. to her i would say that i'm sorry. whether she believes it or not, i was too young to have to make those decisions. she has every right to blame me for what happened, but i wish she'd realize i was a kid. i was 16 years old, and i didn't know how to say no. i've grown so much from the girl she knew back then. i can say no now, and wish more than anything i'd have known how to say it then.

to my parents i would say thank you. for standing by me. for supporting me when it meant being just as disowned as i was. my parents are incredible, even though we don't always agree on everything. they love me anyways, and i'm so very blessed to belong to them. to my dad, thank you for teaching me to be strong. to keep going when it seems hard, and to find solutions when it doesn't look like there are any. he is the perfect example of what a husband and father should be. to my mom, thank you for giving up everything for me. your family, for one. i don't think i could possibly list everything you've sacrificed for me over the past 21 years. my first memories of you include baking cookies, and helping you take care of Jordan. we did good, didn't we? she's perfect, even though she's a bratty teenager now.

to my brothers i would say thank you for trying. they were probably the closest people to the situation, and i can see why forgiving me would be hard. i'm so very grateful that they did forgive me in whatever way they could. it's been a rough few years, but i love them. and i know they'd do anything in the world for me, no questions asked.

to my sweet baby Jordan, i would say i'm sorry you don't understand everything that's gone on. i'm sorry you were excluded from so many events because of things you had no control over. i'm sorry you had to suffer consequences that should have been mine alone. i know it's hard to love me anyways. you're my best friend. and though we fight, i wouldn't want anyone else to be my sister. i love you. and i want you to be happy. i hope you know i'm always here for you, even though there are millions of miles between us. you are gorgeous. you're truly perfect. and you deserve someone who loves every single inch of you, and who can take care of you. and in case you didn't know, that is ME! :) seriously though, you're my baby. technically you belong to mom and dad, but let's be real. you're my baby too. i have pictures to prove it.

and to all of them i'd say that i'm not mad. that i miss them. that i want to be involved in their lives, if they'd take me back. and i want them to be involved in mine, if that's what they want.

i won't make the first step though. i can't. i don't know how. and i don't feel like i should have to, because i'm not the one who walked away. i will say though, that i wouldn't be mean. i wouldn't judge. i would listen to their sides of it all. and i wouldn't have to forgive, because i already have. i understand in ways they can't possibly comprehend.

i moved to Denver to get away because i felt suffocated. now that i'm alone, i realize just how much i miss being part of a family. i've created my own little family of friends, etc. and that is good enough most of the time. but i miss the parties, the teasing, and the people who've known me longer than i've known myself.

i'm not expecting any changes, and i've come to peace with the fact that i can't change anyone. but i've changed myself. and i'm continuing to change. 
i didn't tell anyone this, but the drive to Denver was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. it was mostly silent, and i came across this song.
it brought me so much peace. there isn't one single line that i don't feel deeply in my heart.

i am moving on. i'm done with the past. and i would love to have some company on the journey that lies ahead of me. 

i hope this doesn't offend anyone. it's not at all my intention, and i tried to tread carefully through a very sensitive topic. i'm not perfect, so there's no way i could have written this perfectly. my intentions are pure, and i expect nothing in return. i just felt like i had to get a few things off my chest tonight. i tried to write this with all the love i have in my heart. i tried to be respectful, and i hope people can see that i'm trying.

 to get ahold of me, my e-mail is jayciespacie@gmail.com .