Thursday, July 31, 2014

I did it anyway.

Tonight I was contemplating my life and decided to simplify a bit. Henley and I are living on the floor for now, as all of our things have been moved to cedar city. 

This means piles and piles of stuff everywhere. 

So I moved all the clean clothes to Jordan's room and sorted through things. 

In the process, I lost my workout spot.

I'd had a hard day, I was tired and sore from last night's workout, I wanted to get to bed, etc. I was thinking of every excuse in the book.

"One day off won't kill me."
It's such an easy, small workout it won't ever give me any results anyways. Why am I even trying?"
"I ate too much today. Working out for hours can't undo that..."

And then Henley rolled over in her sleep and I looked at this perfect little human that I made by myself, from scratch. 

She deserves everything good in the world. I have huge hopes for her.

And I'm the one who will ultimately teach her how to be her best self. So I can lie here and justify all the reasons why I don't want to work out and do any other number of things, or I can put on my big girl panties and do the hard things anyways.

So I worked out. It only makes two days in a row, but that's two more days than I usually have. Small and simple things bring big changes. 

This body I have is amazing. 
These arms rock her and hold her when she's upset. 
These legs dance and walk with her.
This face makes her smile and laugh.
These boobs have fed her for eight months and will continue to do so for a few more months.
All the stretch marks mean she had a cozy place to grow, that my body transformed into something new and different, but still beautiful, and it was all to give her life.
This soft belly is her favorite place to cuddle into when we're playing in the morning. 
My scars mean I was clumsy, I fell, I made mistakes, but I always got back up and I healed.

Too many mommies I see completely give themselves up after they have babies. They stop doing their hair, they put the makeup away forever, and they don't invest in clothes to make them feel good, but instead to simply cover the body they loathe.

I refuse to be one of those mommies. I'm not judging them, but I won't be like them.

I am incredible. I am strong. I'm resilient. I'm brave. I do hard things every single day of my life. No one on earth can ever possibly dispute that I am a hard core, bad ass (sorry grandma) super mom.

So I will workout. I will do my small, 15-minute workout of squats, push-ups and some silly little ab thing.

I will go on walks. I will go on runs. I will bike and swim and I'll have crazy dance parties with my tiny sidekick.

I will splurge on makeup, clothes, and my hair because those things make me happy. They aren't the most important things in life, but they still matter.

I'll make healthy choices, but I won't ever say no to a piece of cake. There is absolutely a way to have it all.

And sixteen years from now, when my tiny goose is all grown-up, I hope she knows that I love myself, that I respect this body and treat it well not because I'm vain and need to be pretty to be happy, but because my body should be a reflection of the life and soul that it holds.

I'm incredible. There are definitely some rough spots that can use some work, but who's not a work in progress in some way? It's what makes life so beautiful.

So I will continue to workout. I'll continue to make hard choices. I will work every single day to reach my goals.

And when it gets too hard and I feel like giving up?

I'll keep going anyways.