Tuesday, September 28, 2010

raise your glass...

i say it like it is. every single time.

i'm cynical. and i have a right to be, dang it.
i'm also very hopeful. and i have a right to be.

sometimes i'm broken. sometimes i'm whole.
you better believe a TON of super glue is involved in this process.

i push people away. you know why?
so i can protect myself...if people aren't willing to deal with my porcupine needles, they sure don't deserve all my soft and endearing fluff.
i don't trust anyone. and yet i find myself accepting every hand held out to me.

i run away when things get hard. and yet, the hard things follow me every single time. it's not that i always want to run away. it's just easier than trying to dig myself out of the messes i create. but here i am, up to up to my eyeballs in a mess of my creation. there will be no more running.

i'm rude to a lot of people, a lot of the time. it's sometimes easier than making new friends only to watch them walk away after my heart is caught in the middle and they decide they can't handle it anymore.

i try to be genuine and sincere in everything i do. whether that means people think i'm being "way too honest" or "kind of a b*****", i could care less. i do and say what i feel and i think it's a trait that more people need to possess. i try to be polite, i do. but if you ask me a question, you better be able to handle the truth.

is it okay to doubt everything my life's been built on thus far? i think so. but for the first time in my life, i'm not afraid to search for the answers. and where i go from here will be completely because it's what i want and need. NOT what others think i want and need. i've been through a lot and i deserve some credit. i am a big girl. i can decide what's best for me. if i happen to mess it all up, feel free to tell me you told me so.

i've been scared to voice my doubts and fears because i was afraid people would judge me for doubting rather than answering my questions. i don't ask questions to offend. i ask questions because i want to know the truth. now i will ask the hard questions, even when-no, ESPECIALLY when-no one else will.

the thing i've learned about love this past year: it doesn't have to last forever to be perfect...it comes when it's needed and leaves when it's time to let go. i'm no longer afraid to put my heart on the line. if it breaks, i'll put it back together again. i seem to be good at that.

so, here's to changing.
here's to being my best self.

here's to crying when i'm sad.
and laughing until my guts hurt and i risk peeing my pants when i'm happy.

here's to eating more ice cream.
and taking more long walks.
here's to looking in the mirror and liking who i see.

from now on, this girl, this little crazy Jaycie girl, is the love of my life...and anyone else who comes along will just have to be a bonus.

here's to me! :)

Monday, September 13, 2010

a real live boy flirted with me....i think.

this is how i currently feel:
here's the story as to why i feel this way.

i went to church yesterday, like always.
i skipped relief society, like always.
i was late to sunday school, like always.

then he came in.

who is he, you ask?
hmmm...we'll call him Canyon. that's his code name.

anyways, he walks in.
our eyes lock.
he grins really big. teeth and everything.
so i smile sheepishly.

he sits down and my bestie james (who watches everything i watch) goes,
"jayc, do you know him?"
"hmmm....you better get to know him. that was a flirt."
"what? no it wasn't. he was just bein' friendly."

fast-forward to after church, most of which i paid very little attention to.

he walks up. smiles. i smile back.
he goes, "you're jaycie, right?"
me: "yes, though i feel like i don't know you."
him: "oh, you don't. i just noticed you in sunday school last week. i like that you described yourself as creative and then told people to keep the word of wisdom or die."
me: "i lied about being creative. i'm actually super boring."
james: "no she's not. she's very creative."
canyon: "i can see that...well, i'm Canyon!"
me: "it's nice to meet you Canyon!"

boys don't:
flirt with me.
hit on me.
pursue me.
date me.
hug me.
take me home to meet their parents.

boys do:
laugh at me.
avoid me.
tease me.
pat my head like a child.
ignore me.
find me creepy.
tell their friends how "crazy" i am.

so this whole thing was a good step forward, right?
jaycie developed a little bit of a crush, right?

wrong. well, the first part was wrong. the second part...unfortunately true.

so tonight i went to FHE planning on getting this boys digits so i could flirt with/creep him out.

he showed up with a girl. i heard through the grapevine that she REALLY likes him.
of course...well jaycie will NOT fight said girl for Canyon. said girl can have him.

jaycie the Cynical will now boycott all men except:
her dad.
and a select group of "safe men" aka "the besties..."

all in all, this can probably be considered progress.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

things i need...

i need to be able to trust again.

i need to believe in love.

in God.

in myself.

i need to be less cynical.

and more open to new ideas.

i need to be able to breathe freely.

i need to go back to the beginning.

and rediscover the things i've been missing/avoiding.

i need hobbies. things to be passionate about.

i need to love.