Thursday, February 21, 2013

if love were enough...

Today, i am numb. The past week has been a whirlwind of hard, stressful things, and part of me wants to tell everyone who asks me what's going on that it's really none of their business. I do recognize, however, that most people who ask me what's going on are genuinely concerned about me, so I've decided to give everyone a brief overview of what has been going on in order to answer questions.

Andrew and I got married on New Year's Eve. At the time, I had planned on leaving the church and was more than okay with that decision. There are a few things about Andrew that, because I wasn't planning on ever going back to the LDS church, were completely fine with me at the time. I love him with all my heart and was looking forward to a long, happy life with him.

A few weeks into our marriage, I started feeling prompted to go back to church. I brushed it off, knowing that if I went back to church, we'd eventually have little in common and our marriage would suffer for it. A couple more weeks went by and these promptings got stronger and stronger. I'd been feeling like maybe I should leave, but I was so conflicted because I really truly love him.

The week of Valentine's Day I decided to leave. We'd talked about the things I had issues with in our marriage, and he told me he would never be LDS, that though he'd support my choice in going, he wouldn't ever go, and that he didn't want any future children to attend the LDS church, unless I'd be willing to take them to other churches for variety.

He also told me he wasn't in a place in his life where he would be willing to give up the things that made me uncomfortable. That day, we decided to stay married. I would go back to church and work on devoting myself to my faith, and when the time came, he and I would have discussions about the things he did that made me uncomfortable. For a time, this seemed like a good solution.

Then, the night before my birthday, we went to a house-warming party where Andrew participated in things that I wasn't comfortable with. He took it way too far, and I knew if I didn't leave him then, I was never going to leave, and all i could think was, "Am I okay with that? Am I willing to keep myself in this situation? Am I willing to eventually put our children in this situation?"

Because I love him, I spent hours making lists of the pros and cons of staying. I made justifications to myself and my Heavenly Father why I should stay. I wasn't completely at peace with that decision, so at that point, I prayed. I prayed like I never had before. I prayed for peace and comfort. I prayed to be able to stay. I prayed for help to stop feeling like I should leave my husband. Still no peace. Finally I asked my Heavenly Father what he thought of me leaving. Instantly, I was filled with peace. I had my answer and knew what I needed to do. I told my Heavenly Father that before my decision was set in stone, I would talk to Andrew and give him a choice. If he would promise to give up the things that made me uncomfortable and at least be willing to have an open mind about the church, I would stay and try to work it out. I felt peaceful in that decision, but also knew that if he wouldn't agree to my terms, that I would have to leave.

The next morning, we had a very long talk about the things he'd done and why I wasn't okay with them and why he didn't feel like he should give them up. I asked him if he would quit those things in order for me to stay and he told me no, that he wasn't ready to do that. So I told him I was leaving. He asked me if I was really going to leave this time, and I told him I was.

It was my birthday, so he still took me out to dinner and bought me ice cream. We went home and watched some TV, and I stayed as close to him as possible, wanting to soak in every possibly minute I could with the man I love, knowing that within a few days, he would no longer be mine, and that I would have to be okay with that.

We didn't fight. Ultimately, Andrew understands why I needed to do this. He's said that he's proud of me for making such a hard decision and choosing to follow my heart. He said he'll miss me, that he'll be heartbroken over me leaving, but that it's better to go our separate ways now rather than a year from now, or even five or ten years from now when there are babies, cars, and a mortgage to consider.

I'm completely devastated. I am in love with him. He's one of the best guys I've ever met, and I'm crushed that though we're in love, we can't be together because of a religion and some selfish choices on both our parts. if only love were enough...

On Tuesday, with my car packed and my tank full of gas, I gave my husband, my lover, and my best friend, a final hug and a good-bye kiss, climbed in my car, and drove back to Utah to pick up the pieces of my heart, and to start over, again.

We'll be getting an annulment, which will make it financially and legally as if we were never married at all. It will be erased from history, except for our hearts, where we both know it happened. I can't speak for him, but I am so glad that it happened, that I was able to spend a tiny part of my life with the man that I loved, the man who took care of me in almost every single way. He's the man who loved me enough to let me go, who didn't ask me to stay because he knew that I probably would have.

Two days later, I still feel like my world is falling apart. I feel like I can't breathe. I'm barely eating, and sleeping way too much. I haven't unpacked my car, because it's too cold outside, and I'm in a place emotionally where I can't physically handle the cold. My heart is physically aching, and I'm feeling like a part of my heart has gone missing.

There are reports that when people lose a limb, they sometimes experience what is called Phantom Limb. It's where their brain can't come to terms with the fact that the limb is gone, and it caused them physical pain as their brain searches desperately for the limb that is no longer there. I feel a little like that. There's a part of me that Andrew filled that is now empty, and I have to come to terms with that. He's not here next to me, and no matter how many times I instinctively try to find his hand to hold or fall into his hug, he isn't there to catch me. It's my fault, as I'm the one who chose to leave, but that doesn't make me hurt any less or less real, it doesn't make this physical and emotional agony go away.

I'm trying desperately to see what the point of this pain is. I'm simply clinging onto the faith that through the promptings of my Heavenly Father I've done the right thing and that He will guide me through this.

So I ask that you all give me space and time to let my heart heal. I will talk to anyone who has questions, who needs help understanding this choice I've made. I would love to hear from people who wish to share supporting words and encourage me. What I don't need is judgement. I do not want to hear that I made a mistake, that I should have thought about all of this before I even decided to get married. I know all of those things already, and I'm sure that I'm beating myself up over this much more than anyone else could.

So please, just love me. Try to understand what I'm going through. If you want to talk to me, you don't have to tell me that you're sorry. You don't have to say anything at all. I know that you care, but that you don't know what to say. I don't know what to say to myself. I don't know what to do right now in any aspect of my life, with the exception that I know I'm where I need to be, and that the Atonement and Gospel of my Savior, Jesus Christ, will help me to mend my  broken heart.

I just wish that love had been enough...

Friday, February 1, 2013

Our new-ish place! :)

i promised this blog weeks ago...two weeks ago, to be exact. because that's how long we've been living here.
i wish i could say i had a good reason for not doing this...
i took the pictures and everything.
i was just too lazy to go to my bedroom to get my phone cord so i could upload them to my computer.
that's it. laziest human ever? yes. sometimes.

so, without further waiting, my house:

here's my bathroom. it's got his and her sinks, which we LOVE. it makes it so nice not to have to share tons of space. pardon the mess. we're still working some kinks out!
 that's our shower AND tub. you know what that means? i can have a bath every single day in my huge tub. and i do. Andrew showers, and i bathe in our huge tub. another place we don't share space. i love it.
here's our bedroom. it's way way way bigger than his place was. (i say his place because it never felt like mine. i didn't ever even unpack my stuff there.)
that's Penny on the bed. she's the dog i gave him for Christmas. She's Wallice's wife. so he wouldn't be lonely without me.
 the opposite side of our bedroom.
our super huge closet. there's space for all of our stuff! :) it doesn't look huge here, but it is.
 my laundry room. we keep our tools and stuff in here too, so it's more of a utility room, but it's so nice to be able to do laundry and everything in our home.
 this is our (my) desk area/medicine cabinet with a pretty good view of our dining room. Andrew's place didn't have a dining area, and it's seriously been so nice when we've had the boys to have a place to sit and eat. we've found they eat so much better when they aren't just watching a movie at the same time. plus, who doesn't love family dinner?
 here's one view of our living room. this is taken with me standing in the dining room.
 my super huge kitchen! i love all the space i have. i haven't decorated any of our house yet, as you can tell. we can't decide on lots of things, plus our budget is currently saying, "hey, no decorating!" but we have plans!
 this is another view of the living room, from the entry way.
 another view. it's not a square room, though i feel all of the pictures kind of make it look like it is...

anyways, that's our place! :) it's nothing super special yet, but we're getting there. all in good time. it's OUR place, and i'm thoroughly loving being a wife and sometimes-mommy! It's so crazy to think that I'm a wife with my own kitchen and bathroom...but, i really do love it! :)