Wednesday, October 27, 2010

reasons i loved today...

1. even though i told Taylor no, she made me buy more stuff...

2. i have decided furnishing a place of my own will be fun and can be cheap with the help of classifieds.
(side note: if you felt so inclined to donate a piece of odd/ugly/old furniture, i'd love it with all my heart. i promise!)

3. i'm wearing my favorite hoodie. i'll probably wear it again tomorrow?

4. i definitely ate at El Sol with Logan the very Thorley. i have missed her.

5. i got a hug from my bestie, James Dyer.

6. i woke up before my alarm clock for the second day in a row.
(please disregard the fact that it's been set for 11:05 a.m.)

7. i was only at the plasma center for two hours. not the usual three. and i got an extra $20 for referring a friend.

8. wallice looks stunning in his red plaid button down, grey sweater vest, and black skinnies.

9. my halloween costume is in working order. it's official. i shall be a fairy. with the most amazing skirt you've ever seen!
(how could it not be? there is over 500 yards of tulle. pictures to come.)

10. tomorrow i can hide out in my bed all day long if i want. as long as i make it to work by two.

11. i found some stolen books. i'll have to return them soon.

12. i sneaked in an episode of Chopped with my dad. he really is great.

13. Air Supply has lulled me into a peaceful daze.

14. i have peach-scented face wash. which makes me smell like peaches. obviously.

anywho. i better get a crack on that hiding out in bed plan of mine!

nighto lighto! :)

Monday, October 25, 2010

tell me...

tell me you hate your job.

tell me what you fall for. and what pulls you out of bed.

tell me who broke your heart the first time. the second. the third.

tell me about the day you gave up on your dream.

i see the pain through the laughter. i know there's part of you that is just not okay.
so tell me where to find it.

i'm listening. i care. and i NEED the honesty.

heartbreaking. raw. whispered. choked. honesty.

tell me you're mad at the monsters in the closet who raped your sister.
or killed your brother.
or beat your mother.

remember things don't have to be that literal to accomplish the task.

tell me about the nights you locked yourself in the bathroom and took a knife to your skin.
over. and over. and over. sobbing. praying for the pain would go away. and the numbness that saved you when it didn't...

tell me about the drugs. the pills. the fixes.
that never really fixed anything.

tell me how it felt to bury your baby. without anyone knowing.
that there's no way God needed her more then than you do now.

tell me about the days you spent perfecting that fake smile.
and the nights you broke down in tears wishing someone, anyone would wipe them away.

tell me how it felt to have your family disown you over a choice you were too young to make.
a choice that you alone were held responsible for. why not the grown up? the one who was supposed to protect you, but hurt you instead. why isn't the grown-up the responsible one?

tell me about the times you treaded through holy water, feeling guilty and unworthy. there's no way God could love a sinner. yet, you sense His love anyways.

tell me how it felt to be lied to. again and again. under the guise of love. the promise of protection. only to realize your life was founded on these loving lies. loving lies. loving. lies.

tell me where they kicked you. when you spoke out against it all. when you told them you didn't believe. and they scorned you in the name of a religion where love is preached and hostility practiced. no one deserves to feel that inadequate, yet they all do. every. single. one.

tell me about the man who held you down, told you that no one else could "love" someone as broken, tormented, and as ugly as you.

tell me about the people who violated you more by asking questions and trying to bring justice. but gave up when the leads went cold. only to apologize when they discovered eight more girls like you, raped by a man who doesn't even feel sorry for what he did.

do you think it was all your fault?

be honest.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

update, anyone?

well, here i am....still cleaning my room.

and the only thing i can even think is a line from Madagascar:
"How long is this going to take?!?!"

apparently forever...

as i look around at the mess of things i have acquired, i'm tempted to throw it all away and just start over in salt lake.

speaking of salt lake....i'm not moved yet. i probably never will be...? :(
nah, i'll move eventually.

i can start work as soon as Homeland Security clears me.
they took my fingerprints. so i guess now i'm in the system?
please bless i never do anything illegal.

so. life updates.

i have a new job. though i can't start yet because i'm not a terrorist.
i am homeless. my parents let me live with them, but i need a place of my own. soon. very soon.
it's very expensive to drive back and forth between salt lake and wellsville.
i seem to have this knack for attracting men who aren't good for me. more dating!
my favorite color is still purple.
i'm craving something black and lacy.
the SLC library was the number one library of 2006. i love it there.

i'm excited for life to slow down.
i'm not excited for wintertime....i'm in for a lot of slipping and sliding.

i need a routine again.
i need to meet new people and do new things.

Salt Lake City, Utah. That will be my address soon.
i sure hope i don't get swallowed up by such a big place!

i pinky swear i will get back to normal soon.

before and after pics of this disaster are coming soooo soon!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

some random tidbit for this day of anti-cleaning....

i am supposed to be cleaning my room.
my parents have insisted i clean it before i move.
when will that be? well...who can say?

so, the bad Jaycie is tempted to just wait until that very day to clean it.
but the good Jaycie is secretly worried she won't have time after today.

and so, i must clean.

only, i don't have the desire yet.

so i thought i'd share some tidbits about me in my effort to be the kind blogger people want to follow. like the Golden Rule, yo.

first of all, i have a mole on my neck. it's approximately one inch to the left of center. i can feel it, thus being able to tell you where it is without having to look. i kind of love it.

there is one place in the entire world i cannot seem to keep clean. it is my bedroom in my parent's house. somewhere between moving away to college and then coming back i have acquired too many things to fit in this small space. and so i cannot seem to bring myself to clean it. it has always been this way.

my life is anything but simple. yet, there a few things that make me happy every single time i do them. the list is long, but the favorites:

getting my hair cut or colored. if i don't do this frequently enough, my life is harder without me knowing why. weird, i know. that my mood depends so much on my lovely locks.

buying new undies. it is impossible for me to have a rotten day, knowing my bum is looking all cute and sassy. on these days, i always secretly wish to be de-pantsed. a tidbit about that. i curiously made it through my entire high school and middle school career without having someone rip my pants down.

kicking people on the back of their knees to make them buckle. no one ever expects it. i die laughing every single time.

though i rarely find the motivation, i LOVE doing laundry. and i love how everything smells all yummy and perfect afterwards.

looking around, it's going to take a long time to clean this messy bedroom. i'm throwing it all away. no. scratch that. i'm taking it all to the d.i. consider it my way of repenting after skipping church today. maybe i'll take before and after pictures?

okay, yes. yes, i will.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

moving plans....

i finally found a job i plan on keeping for awhile.
i'll be working at the Salt Lake airport in an Italian-style cafe called Sbarro.
who can even pronounce that? not this girl!

the perks to this job:
full medical and dental benefits. if i need/want them.
it's full-time.
and after a year they'll pay for most of my schooling.
who can say no to that?

so i have some plans.

you know, after i find a place of my own.

i have all sorts of cute girly decorations and things.
but i have no furniture. but rather than buy it, i think i'll go to garage sales and find my furniture that way. and just paint it and make it all cute.

i'm going to start sewing my Animal Pillows. i want a whole zoo of Animal Pillows.

i have a stack of books to read.
a list of movies to watch.
and i need to catch up on my TV shows. like the fourth season of Dexter.
i want to expand my music collection.

I want to bake more.
workout a little. sleep a lot.
figure out where i stand with religion and spirituality.

meet new people and do new things.

spoil Wallice a little extra. because he's super cute.

it might seem a little selfish, but i'm excited to take care of me and figure things out.
it's something i've been missing lately.

in any case, it all seems like a good plan.
a new place. with new hair. a new job. lookin' for a new place.
i can't wait! :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

My #1 issue with the church...

This article is the reason I'm struggling with the church.

I'm going to put this right out there. I'm straight. I am attracted to men. And I can't comprehend being attracted to a woman on any level. It's the way I am and have always been.

I have friends who are attracted to members of their same gender. They can't comprehend being attracted to members of the opposite gender on any level. It's the way they are and have always been.

So to release a statement saying that, "The Church's doctrine is based on love. We believe that our purpose in life is to learn, grow and develop, and that God's unreserved love enables each of us to reach our potential. None of us is limited by our feelings or inclinations. Ultimately, we are free to act for ourselves." Seems a little backwards to me. You're saying that doctrine is based on LOVE, yet you ask members dealing with issues of same-gender attraction to "resist temptation." Never are you allowed to give in. It's only a sin if you act on it.

Ever heard of Electroshock Aversion Therapy? They used to do it at BYU in a study. Basically, they hook up the genitalia of men with issues of same-gender attraction to a machine and expose them to pornography. When the machine senses the man becoming aroused, he receives a shock. When young men and boys sought help from their bishops, they often received this treatment. Because the way the church is set up, sins of that magnitude and their treatment plans do not have to be released to parents. Often, parents weren't aware that their sons were being traumatized and abused in that way.

I have a big problem with this. The church speaks out against pornography during EVERY SINGLE General Conference. Yet, "sometimes" it's okay to use it? Like when "trying to cure an abomination in the sight of God." If something is proclaimed "sinful," it shouldn't have any exceptions.

They're finally coming out and saying that they don't know the cause of "same-gender attraction," yet they still insist that it's merely a temptation that can be overcome. I don't know about you, but being attracted to men isn't something I could ever "overcome." It just seems silly to ask members to change something that seems so completely inborn.

I have several dear friends who are attracted to members of their same gender. There is NOTHING wrong with them. They are some of the most kind, gentle, and loving people I know. They work hard, in respectable jobs, and lead quiet lives. Yet they are constantly bombarded by people who consider them "monsters" and "sinners."

I'm not okay with it. I try to love everyone, and will continue to love everyone. I don't necessarily agree with their choices. But I don't disagree either. All I know is they are just as deserving of love as anyone else. And for a church where the "doctrine is based on love" to ask members NOT to search for someone they can love, honor, and cherish is morally repulsive to me.

Judge me, think horribly of me, whatever. But this is how I feel and I will not back down. If I'm going to be damned because I'm willing to fight for others, then I guess Hell will be a better place because I'm there.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

the phone code fiasco...

about a week ago, i thought it would be good to go through my phone and eliminate all the codes i've been using.

my code, though perfect to me, confused others, so i changed it to be more user-friendly. i was told it was juvenile to keep a code for my phone friends.

my code included things like:
! :) this meant they could be considered a best friend.
(att) meant they were an attachรจ
(RHA) or (RA) meant they worked with me in Housing.
(rs) meant they were my visiting teachers from relief society.
...the gorgeous meant i had a crush on them at one point.

and then of course there was the Code of Names which includes:
Buzz Lightyear
The Funk
The Other Nick
Aryan B****
Amazon B****
Lesbaru B****
Best Friend!
Tanner who i never want to talk to.
Sexy Steven
Hot Mamasita!
Foxy Cleo
Fool #2
Crazy Tammie

to look at those ones, YOU would never know who they are.
yet, when looking for Josie Osborn in my phone, i can't search for Josie Osborn. by habit, i search for my aryan b****. she's the blue eyed, blond love of my life.

i love "tanner who i never want to talk to." that was always a joke between us. i ALWAYS want to talk to him.

Hot Mamasita is Kell Thorley, Logan's mom. She's always welcomed me into her home as another daughter.

FEC Tim is Timothy Feil, my Future Eternal Companion.

and of course there's Buzz Lightyear. any guesses on this one? he's most certainly my bishop. i'm in his phone as Jaycie Penny.

the code goes ON and ON and ON....
when i tried to change my code for everyone else, it didn't work for me.
it took me sooo much longer to find my peeps this way. i was confused to the MAX!

the THREE HOURS i spent changing everyone in my phone from Code to Actual Identity took so long because i had to ask a lot of people for their last name. i never cared to know them because they weren't important to me.

i guess i'm just that person. i'd rather identify with my fun codes than try to conform to the ways of the world and identify based solely on names.

after less than an hour, i was overjoyed to have it back to MY code...where i can find people the way i know them.

speaking of which, i just got a text from my Amazon. i'll catch ya'll later!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

the hard question...

There’s a question that’s been rolling through my mind lately that I’ve wanted to ask the people I love. It’s one I’ve wanted to ask, yet I haven’t because it’s a hard one, one I’m not sure I want answered.

If I follow my heart, but my heart leads me down a path against everything you believe in, will you still support me?

People always tell me, “I just want you to be happy.”

Though, the cynic in me always silently asks, “Do you really?”

And it might just be ignorance on my part, but I honestly feel like most of the people in my life only want me to be happy if the way I’m living correlates with their own beliefs.

For the past couple months, I’ve distanced myself from the Church. Some would argue that I’ve allowed my temptations to get the better of me, that the distance comes because I’m not living the way I should. I’m the first to admit that I’m far from perfect.

Though I try, I often slip up on my journey through life. I know to some it will look like I’ve been looking for a reason to leave. It’s actually been quite the opposite.

I’ve been looking for a reason to stay.

So I ask the questions no one has answers to, the ones that nag at me, that make it hard to sleep.

Rather than receiving answers, I’m told that I need to have more faith. That I need to live better, that I need to pray more and study harder. And if I do all those things with a righteous desire, the answers will come.

I’m sorry, but that’s not good enough anymore.

There have been times when I’ve been living “the way I should,” when I’ve done my very best, and yet the answers still haven’t come. I don’t think it’s because I didn’t try hard enough. I think it’s because the questions I’m asking have answers that don’t necessarily fit the church’s viewpoints, so if the answers come I don’t acknowledge them as truth.

I want so badly to fit in, to be able to live blissfully unaware of things that could potentially destroy the foundation I’ve built my life on.

And yet, there are too many things in the church that I disagree with. I’ve been taught all my life that people outside the church are just living lives of pleasure and that the only way to be truly happy is to live by the teachings of the church.

Excuse me?

Are you trying to say that the 6,987,000,000 people who AREN’T members of the Church are all unhappy? That they can’t know true happiness?

I don’t buy that. Not for a second.

I also don’t believe that my questions are the result of wickedness. I’m not a bad person. Yes, I make mistakes, but yet, I’m still me. I smile and laugh just the same. I’m just as funny, just as worthy of love as I’ve ever been.

I refuse to believe that leaving the Church will diminish God’s love for me. as I listened to tidbits from conference last weekend, I couldn’t help but think, “Do you realize you were capable of having those thoughts yourself? The Spirit doesn’t need to lead your life 100% of the time…you’re capable of having unique thoughts.”

There are a few things I know for certain:

God loves me. How could he not? I’m great.

His son, my Savior, Jesus Christ lived and died for me, to take my sins so I can be whole one day.

I love Him, my Brother, my Friend. He lived the perfect life, an example of love and light.

I believe in being honest and kind.

This world was created for me, that I might learn and grow and find ways to be happy.

I know that I have a purpose on this earth. What it is, I’m not sure of yet.

I believe in an after-life, and I strive for Heaven.

Yet, if Heaven is full of the people who judge me and make my life harder, then I’m not sure that’s where I really want to be. I want to be accepted, just the way I am.

I think the Church is full of truth, but I also think other religions also have a lot of truths too. God is too big for one church. I’m pretty sure as long as I live my life trying always to be like Him, I’ll find a way in this world. I don’t depend on the Church for truth. I don’t depend on the people in the Church for truth. I depend only on me, which is how I think I like it.

To me, God is love.

I am loved. And for now, that’s all that matters.

Friday, October 1, 2010

send me on my way....

every time i wake up the morning of a road trip, i sing this in my head.
{my roadtrips tend to look something like this...feet dangling out the window, no cares in the world.}

i'm heading back to cedar city for the weekend. i'm both excited and completely dreading it.

i get to see my loves.
i get to be in the place my heart claimed as home after being homeless for awhile.
there will definitely be some
and lastly, two words: Golden Spoon.

the heat.
the cops.
the serial killers.
(okay, i don't think cedar city has any...this was a joke. clearly watching Dexter non-stop has gotten to me. i digress.)
lastly, being in the place my heart calls home. it's bittersweet considering i might not make it back for awhile.

you know how you have that favorite place to be, the one you'd spend your whole life if you could?

well for me, that place is cedar city.

but the winds of change are blowing in my life.
and i honestly don't think i'll end up in cedar city again.
at least not right now. and not for awhile.

it's kind of heartbreaking, leaving my Home.
but i've found leaving usually leads to somewhere better for the soul.

i guess we'll see, won't we?
thanks for making the journey a little lighter as you send me on my way!

wherever the road leads
YOU in the next little while...
take a leaf out of my book and totally
rock it! :)