H is for home. and healing.

i've had a lot of time to myself the past week.
a lot of time for reflecting. a lot of time for relaxing.

i baked a lot. i cleaned a lot. i unpacked all my stuff.
i applied for jobs, and had a few interviews.
i caught up with my family, and spent a little time with friends.

but when it came right down to it, i had a lot of time alone.
a lot of time to process everything that happened during the past year.
i feel like i finally allowed my heart to break.
i've been holding a lot in.

i made some mistakes.
i made some hard decisions. and i made some good ones.
i met some incredible people. and i had some pretty awesome adventures.
i thought i fell in love. then realized that love was completely wrong for me.
then i met a guy who's absolutely perfect for me. and who thought i was too young for him.
i had close friends pass away. i lost my grandma.
i had a lot of sleepless nights over lots of silly things.

in the midst of all that, i found myself. i found this incredibly strong, brave, little human. she's quirky. loud. outgoing. accepting. open. bold. passionate. vibrant. impulsive. witty. maybe a little crazy. someone beautiful. someone worth sooo much. i'm going places. where? i have no idea right now...but somewhere good.

i have no idea what the future holds. absolutely no clue.

the other day, i was cleaning the kitchen. Kegan was sitting at the counter, playing on my phone. it was quiet. we were just chilling (like we always are), and he finally asked, "Why do you sigh so much? It sounds like you're really depressed."
it completely caught me off guard, but he's not the first person who's observed this about me...i finally told him why. "it's because i always hold my breath. i forget to breathe, so it's my way of catching up."

it's weird though, isn't it? the ONE THING all humans can do without any thought at all is the main thing i'm struggling with lately. i wish i had a clue as to why...i just can't breathe, i guess.

and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
setting fire to our insides for fun.
collecting names of the lovers that went wrong.

this song was just playing. fitting, right? if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.

i have a few job interviews this week.
one would be especially amazing for me. it would mean starting school in january.
the other two are down in the salt lake area. they'd mean working/living down there until May when i can have my old job back. that would mean starting school in august.
i'm okay right now with either of those paths. i'm really hoping to stay home and start school asap, but who knows what's in store...

yeah, that's all i've got for right now....perhaps tomorrow my jumbled thoughts will make more sense.