Monday, February 23, 2015



Henley's still sleeping and I woke up earlier than I normally would.
I think that's a sign I'm growing up.

There are birds gabbing away in my front yard as the sun makes it's presence known for at least one more day. Spring is coming, and though winter hasn't been excessively cold, it's still been lifeless and I missed the music of birds.

There isn't actually much that's new. I'm still in school, we've been living in the same place for about two months, and for all the eyes that constantly watch, it wouldn't seem like much has changed.

But I noticed the birds singing outside. I watched the sun come up. Last night, I took some time to look at the stars.

I've learned that change comes from the inside before it every touches anything else.
There's beauty in pain that demands to be felt. It can turn even the most tender heart to stone if left alone to fester.

My life has been a constant storm for several years; there's been comfort in the pain, familiarness that often seems like an old friend. Happiness and calm have made me uncomfortable for a very long time. It's only been recently that I've grown uncomfortable with all the pain. There's a yearning in my heart for something else, something better.

If you didn't notice, it takes me days to write one blog. It's busy to be a mama, especially a super-single one like me. That's probably why my blog has been dormant for several months. (That's a word used most commonly for volcanoes, which I learned an awful lot about last semester.)

Today I woke up to a foot of new snow, so I had to clean off my car before I could leave. In the spirit of being good, I did jordan's and the sidewalk too. It took me FOREVER (forty-five minutes instead of the regular 5-10) to get to work. On the way there, I brainstormed ways to be good.

There's that silly hashtag #sharegoodness that I kind of love. I couldn't think of much, considering I'm a very poor, super busy full-time mommy, student, and sub. But I can be nice.

On my lunch break, I left my phone in my classroom. Rather than soak my feet more, I decided to leave it home. While driving to the library, I thought about the massive time-suck my phone has been lately. I keep it in check when I'm home with Henley, because she is and will always be Priority #1, but during all other hours, it's usually glued to me. Without it, I was able to take a close look at the world around me.

Walking into the library, I smiled and greeted everyone I passed. I don't know about them, but it brightened my day. I made an effort to be a bright light for everyone I came across today and it absolutely made my day. Normally with freezing, cold, wet feet, I'd be a grumpy monster. Added to a ridiculously early morning and being late to work, I'd say all signs pointed to Worst Monday Ever, but I refused to start my week that way and it paid off immensely.

There isn't much that I'm sure of these days, but I do know this: life is a gift and we only get ONE shot to make it the most beautiful, incredible life possible. I can't hide my light. I have too much to give. When I withhold my light from others, we all suffer, but when I freely give of my time, my talents, and even just my smile, I have the ability to change every single life around me for the better.

There's a quote I found a few months ago that has stuck with me.

Start now.
Start where you are. Start with fear.
Start with pain. Start with doubt.
Start with hands shaking.
Start with voice trembling but start.
Start and don't stop.
Start where you are, with what you have.
Just start.

-Ijeoma Umebinyuo

Rock bottom is probably my favorite place in the world to be. It's stable, you know? Most people hate it, but for me, it's when things start to really change. I have nothing to lose, so I become fearless, strong, and more motivated than at any other time.

There's this feeling I get, deep down in my bones. I can't really describe it, but it takes ages and ages to build. I can feel it coming for months before I ever act on it, but eventually, it just starts to burst out of me and THAT is when things start to change for me.

It's here and I'm so excited I can't stand it. It's time to free it all.

<insert cliché about spreading my wings to fly...>