where to even start?

i've had a very, very hard week...
it started out by falling in love with my best friend. that wasn't last week, to be clear. that's been going on for a year now. only, he didn't feel the same way.
well, he did. but his feelings weren't like mine. it was like mine were neon. his were pastel.
so he started dating other girls. and found one he really likes and wants to be with.
that's when it all fell apart.

i've realized some things the past few days. you do things for people you love.
i would do anything for him, even now. but i'm not sure he'd do that for me.
i've realized i'm a placeholder for him, until someone better comes along. i deserve to be the one.
not just an option.

my heart and stomach just feel sick.
what could i have done to deserve this?
why did i fall in love with someone who doesn't want me?
what's wrong with me?
what does she have or do that's better than me?
am i not sexy enough? fun enough? smart enough?
am i not good enough?

last monday, things started to fall apart. tuesday was hard.
but i got him on tuesday night and wednesday morning.
he's been spending all him time with her ever since. and it's been killing me.
my family was here on thursday and friday, and it was great to see them.
it just sucked that i was starting to fall apart.

friday was rough.
i ate a tiny piece of pizza. then i felt sick and couldn't stand the thought of food.
i played like, 300 games of bejeweled blitz.
i worked and was kind of in a haze. i couldn't focus on anything at all.

saturday was worse than friday.
i think it was then that i realized i couldn't have him.
he doesn't want me.
to him, i'm dispensable. i'm just his friend.
i cried all day long. i ventured to walmart for food, since it's necessary for survival.
i only cried twice while i was walking around.
and then the little foreign chasier was like, "hi! how you?"
and i just fell apart. body-wracking sobs.
it was around noon, and literally all of Denver watched me fall apart.
i ate a banana when i got home. that's all i ate on saturday.
i cried on the phone at work to customers who mentioned that i sounded sad.
he brought me some of my stuff during my lunch break, and i cried.
we talked a little, and that made me cry all over.
he told me if a relationship with this girl doesn't work, we'll give us a shot.
i came home and cried myself to sleep, then had nightmares about them being together.


sunday was long. but i didn't cry as much.
i got ready and left my house. i went to REI for a bike pump and chain lube.
i had conversations with people and my voice started to sound like me again, instead of the hollow girl who took over for me on friday and saturday.
i still didn't really eat, only a banana, some grapes, and some carrots with ranch.
i cried a little at work. and then i went out with my friend Cassie.
we talked about it, and i realized i could breathe a little.

today, i only cried a few times.
i realized i'm going to get over him.
i'm going to focus on me, and love myself for a bit.
i can be his friend, and distance my feelings for him.
i can be strong for myself.
i will live.
i joined a dating website. i'm not worried about it right now, but if someone comes along, we'll see.
but when my first thought, last thought, and most of the thoughts in between are about someone else, it's probably not a good idea.
today i ate a banana and some grapes.

i have tomorrow off. i need to get my car fixed.
maybe i'll do laundry.
i might go relax at the pool, and possibly meet up with a friend for dinner. (assuming i can even eat.)
i might treat myself to a movie.
i'm picking up my friend and her husband from the airport.
and they're going to help me put myself back together.

i'm getting better. just a step at a time. that's all i can even do right now. and i think that's enough.