oh, you know....the usual.

i had a job interview yesterday with a company that is pretty amazing. the pay was great, the job was great. it would have been perfect.

but when the boss lady called to offer me the job, my heart kind of dropped.
and that's when i knew it was a probably a bad idea to stay in Denver.

my heart definitely hasn't been here in awhile. i tried to make it work after things fell apart with Handy Manny, but this wasn't ever my home. i moved here for him and he broke my heart. i tried to stay here for me and couldn't find any reason good enough.

i'll miss Denver and the friends i've made here.
Sarah, Deshon, Amy/Justin/Zeuss, and Caryn, to name a few.
 i'll absolutely be back to visit, and this city definitely has a place in my heart.

but it's not my home and i need to do me for a bit.

i need to go back to school.
i need to find my happy place again.
i need to be closer to my mom and my cute grandmas, my little bff, Jordan, my dad, Nick, and Kegan. (this name thing could take a bit...) and James, my very best, of course. and Hollie, who is pregnant!!!

i've learned so much by having this adventure.

i learned about relationships. what it takes to make them work, and the things that i need to be happy. i thought i found it, only to realize i deserve so much more. then i found an incredible guy who was all i wanted and then some, only to find that sometimes the feeling isn't that mutual and little things like age can keep people apart if both people aren't willing to make things work in spite of the challenges.
i would have stayed for him...so i'm glad he knew me a little better than i knew myself and in a way, really let me go...i told him and myself that i was staying for me, but i think he knew better.

i don't need a man to support me or take care of me. i've got that taken care of. i want someone to love me, to help me chase my dreams, and to have the most passionate, beautiful relationship the world has ever seen. i also realized i'm young. i'm absolutely a spinster in the Utah dating world where girls are married off and making babies at 18, but it's okay that my path is different. i've gotta trust that my One is out there, and we'll find each other when we're both ready.

i learned about myself. moving here was by far the hardest thing i've ever done. financially it was a risk. there were times i really didn't know if i was going to be able to make it work, but i also learned i'm not a quitter. when things got hard, i worked harder. failing wasn't an option for me, and i made it work. i dug really deep and realized i'm a strong, capable woman.

i learned about the fragility of human life. since being here i've had two close friends pass away. my Great Grandma Harris died. i've seen both ends of the spectrum. my grandma had a beautiful life and when she let go, it was only after 99 years of love and charity. i found that sometimes life let's people down. it gets rough, and sometimes people aren't strong enough to push through anymore.

i think the biggest lesson i learned was about love and human kindness. people always surprise  you. impossible situations become possible, and at the end of the day we're all just humans. we struggle. we laugh. we cry. we hope. we dream. we fear. we love. we all just crave acceptance. and when you look past things that don't matter like race, gender, and sexuality,  you find souls that are worth loving. and when you realize those things, you find that you can love unconditionally.

utah won't be the same. i know that already. utah has changed, i'm sure. and i've changed. i don't look the same, and the girl who's returning to utah definitely isn't the one who left six months ago. i'm a little more jaded and cynical, a little more realistic, a little more serious, but still just as quirky, and definitely more confident. and though it probably sounds kind of crazy right after the words jaded and cynical, i think i'm also a little more hopeful towards love and happiness. i've just realized where you can't find those things. it's absolutely not in the vicious little circle i've been trying to force over the past couple years...

so, here's to coming home. here's to another new adventure. here's to home, wherever that may be. here's to change, and being able to give up. it's been a wonderful ride, Denver, and i'm sad to see it end, but i'm sure this isn't the end for us...