thoughts of the day.

who freakin' breaks into cars? stealing is the one thing i never really understood.
granted, it's like a given that i'm going to steal my sister's clothes and make-up and jewelry.
and dishes from my mom.
and tools from my dad.
but to break into someone's vehicle? it's just low...
and yet, perhaps the person who broke into my car was poor and needed to feed their baby.
how could i be mad then?

i'm disappointed.
i stalked out my brother on facebook and noticed he's friends with several people who tormented me in high school and that entire time period of my life when i was just not okay.
i don't understand the shallowness there. of them. and of everyone in general.
do people really fear getting involved so much that they'll befriend each other and do nothing deeper than party, eat together, watch movies, and practice making babies.
they don't talk. they just absorb themselves in the shallow things that don't mean a thing.
so i'm disappointed. and hoping that i'm nothing like them, knowing that i probably am.

i'm feeling hurt and betrayed.
i had a few of my closest, most dear friends walk away the past couple weeks.
i realize i said things that caused this. yet...in the deepest part of my soul, i would not have walked away from someone like me. whether it killed me or not, i would have stuck around, trying to encourage, to help, to lift them.
it hurts to know that i chose to associate myself with people who wouldn't go to hell and back for me over and over again. they chose judgements and "tough love" as the way to approach me.
does that work? obviously it does not. want some proof? look at me.
both friends who walked away made the point that trying to help me would never work because i didn't want help. i'll be honest. i didn't. but i didn't ask them to help me either....the question, "how do i fix my life?" never meant, "Please fix my life."
how that was misunderstood, i do not know.

you know in Titanic, after they get rescued and everything? and Rose is standing there. it's like sixteen seconds before she finds the diamond in her pocket. and she just looks frozen and heartbroken?
i feel like that's probably how i look. but unlike Hollywood, it doesn't look that great on me.

i am the definition of cynic. there is perhaps, 2% of my heart that hopes for things.
yet, i don't ever let that 2% have a say in what goes on. the few times i've hoped for things, like REALLY hoped for things, they didn't go well for me.
so i don't hope for things anymore. it's like admitting that i want something.
and when that doesn't work out, i'm always crushed.
it's easier to expect the worse. that way i'm never disappointed.

i don't have plans. and i don't know what i want or where i'm going.
it's complicated. that's all there is too it.

other things on my mind today:
i'm the common denominator. so i guess that makes me the obviously problem.
there's a spot on my back that's been hurting and getting worse.
i've been overly tired and just having that, "I can't pinpoint it, but something is wrong with me."
Tiernan, my little brother absolutely rocks at singing and dancing. his play was amazing. i'll write about that later. because it deserves its own blog.
i would like new shoes. and considerate roommates.
i don't feel like i belong anywhere right now. i have people who love and accept me, no matter what. just nothing feels right.
i just want life to be less complicated.
i want to feel safe.
and like i'm not an alien.

anyways, i'm sorry to be so confusing and down and sad and stuff. it's just where i'm at today. and i guess in that regard, where i'm at a lot of days.