caution: though deeply inspired, profanities were used.

i went to church today.
like i do on most sundays.
only today, i actually went.


i didn't go to scope out hot men.
i didn't go to waste time.
i didn't go for free food afterwards.


i went to see how it would go.
not well, apparently.


relief society was first. i hate relief society.
but the lesson was actually really good.
it was about resisting temptations and being the best you possible.
definitely a lesson i could learn a few things from.


halfway through the lesson the Spirit whispered in my ear,
"Pay attention, Miss Jaycie. it's time for you to get your act together."
to which, i replied, "why bother?"
no answer.


so after the lesson, they had a little meeting with the new members, of which i am one.
so i went. and instantly noticed a few men i'd like to hit on a little.
to which, the Spirit whispered, "Don't bother...you won't have time for a man."
me: "um, what?! i always have time for men. what could i possibly be doing instead of dating?"
no answer.


after the New Member meeting where i put down a deposit on a new ward, i skipped up the stairs to sacrament, where i plopped it down next to a cute new boy who was in the other meeting.
jaycie: "I'll sit by you since we're both new and it sucks to sit alone."
him, smiling, "awesome. it's always a pleasure to sit with a pretty girl."
me, smirking, "well it's my pleasure to grace you with my presence."


sacrament gets underway. this is where things got a little out of hand.
the meeting was focused around Miss Kali, who is going on a mission to Somewhere, Chile.
missionary work. i was about to get up and leave because missionary work surely does not apply to me, when the Spirit whispered, "Oh no you don't. You need to hear this."
me: "Fine! i'll stay."


as the meeting got underway, i decided to argue a little.
me to the Spirit. "why do i need to stay? i'm not going on a mission."
Spirit. " ....are you sure about that?"
me: "um, yes. i've done a lot of bad things just so i wouldn't have to go."
Spirit: "like what?"
me: "i know you already know what i've been up to."
Spirit: "humor me anyway."
me: "fine. i've been breaking the word of wisdom. i drank awhile ago with some friends. and mocha frappuccinos with toffee from Starbucks might rival popcorn on my favorite foods list."
Spirit: "those don't sound so bad. what else?"
me: "you already know there isn't much i haven't done."
Spirit: "remind me."
me: "i had sex with a few guys. in the course of just the last ten months. a whole bunch of times. that should definitely disqualify me, shouldn't it?"
Spirit: "why did you do it?"
me: "so i wouldn't have to go on a mission. you know that."


at this point, i picked up a pen, a hymn book, and the ward bulletin so i could doodle.


Spirit: "why don't you want to go on a mission?"
me: "it doesn't matter. i can't go. in addition to loving coffee and being a harlot, i also have a car payment, student loans out the ass, and a cell phone contract. i have a big girl job. friends. family i'm pretty committed to a whole bunch of things. i can't just leave for a year and a half!"
Spirit: "your phone contract ends December 28th. that's plenty of time before a mission."
me: "okay. that was the least of my worries. i still have student loans. a car payment. a job. a lease."


i had just won my third round of tic-tac-toe against myself . i was starting to run out of space left for doodles.


Spirit: "you can sell your car before you leave. you have a job that should make it very easy to completely pay off your student loans in a year. you could quit your job. your lease will be up in July."
me: "....shit, shit shit. i can't do this!"


the pen fell. i didn't pick it back up. 


Spirit: "look, you don't have to go. you can stay here, marry a loser and have mediocre children. you might be happy that way, you might not. and if you decide to turn your life around and get serious about changing, it will be hard. really hard. BUT it will be 100 times more worth it than staying where you are right now. and who knows? you might not even end up on a mission. some other incredible opportunity might come up instead. but if you don't pull your head out, you're going to miss it all."
me: "okay, but haven't i disqualified a mission? i really have been kind of a slut."
Spirit: "you already know the answer to that one. it's the same one the Adulterous Woman in the Midst was given. Go, and sin no more."
me: "i'm not sure i can..." 
Spirit: "i think you can. you'll figure it out."


i almost started bawling at this point. 


Dear Heavenly Father,
please stop complicating my life. okay, that's mostly my own doing. sorry. i don't like to think it's all my fault, which it completely is. but maybe please stop giving me challenges that i'm sure to fail. 


i don't want to go on a mission. i know it will be really hard. and i might mess up, big time. i think you give me way too much credit on some things. i'm not strong. i'm not good at loving people. i'm not good at waking up early. i'm not good at being in a good mood every day. and i've messed up a whole lot, in ways that i shouldn't have.


but i'll fix it. i'll turn things around. if you say i'll be alright, i'll trust in you. i'll put my hand in yours, and i'll follow you into the light. i won't ask questions. just please don't be mad at me when i make mistakes. i'm not perfect, maybe the furthest from it that i've ever been. 


i'll prepare myself for whatever you have planned for me. i will try my hardest to be what you want me to be.
i always mess up though, so you'll have to be really patient with me. and i can't make any promises that i won't still say bad words, even when i'm really good. i'll try, but that's the one thing i was never really good at giving up anyways. i think you kind of love that about me though. and even though you love them too, i'm not going to be a Mormon like everyone else. if i'm doing this, it's got to be my own way. within reason, of course.


just catch me when i fall, okay? keep me safe. and find someone awesome to love me someday. i hope you know none of this was part of the plan. i don't even have a plan anymore, and that's really scary. and probably part of the reason why i've screwed up everything else.


also, if you have any special people you could send to be my friend and help me work this mess out, please send them. i promise to be nice and help them out on their journey too.


with love and a whole lot of nervousness, but trying to trust you anways,
Miss Jaycie Leishman




eff. now what have i gotten myself into?