Saturday, February 19, 2011

if i were not me...

i would quit my job.
pack up my things.
and head home to wellsville.
because life makes more sense there.

if i were not me...
i wouldn't care that he never writes to me.
i wouldn't miss him every day.
and i wouldn't want to fly to paraguay to kick him, then kiss him better.

if i were not me...
i would take back what i said.
i meant every single word.
but i didn't mean for it to ruin one of the best friendships i ever had.

if i were not me i would get out of bed.
i would explore the salt lake valley.
and i would try to find a new friend.

if i were anyone but me, i wouldn't have eaten brownie cookie bars for breakfast.
and then pizza for lunch, fifteen minutes later.
i would have showered. i would have painted my toenails.
and i would have primped.

i wouldn't act like a six-year-old.
i wouldn't buy my teddy clothes and drag him around.
i wouldn't buy new things as a remedy for a bad day.
i wouldn't cut my hair when i remember too many painful things.

i would be okay with the dark and going outside.
i would fill my time with people instead of DIY projects.
i wouldn't obsess over boys and jeans and madagascar quotes.

i wouldn't use "ouch Charlie," and "i really like it," spoken in a british accent in nearly every conversation.
i wouldn't drive five hours for a best friend's birthday and completely ignore another's.

i would like holidays.
and i would have a normal family.
i wouldn't giggle and secretly wish to scream, "That's what she said!" while eavesdropping on conversations in wal-mart and ikea.

i wouldn't follow people around, wondering how they found each other.
i wouldn't give strangers my telephone number in public places.
i wouldn't know how to change my oil and then prepare a fancy dinner, all in the same afternoon.

i wouldn't stay in bed all day, listening to the rain.
i'd go outside and dance in it.

i would sit still in church.
i would have a tan.
and i'd do something about that extra ten pounds.

but i am me.
and these are a few of my quirks.

they make me who i am. and i am a fan of who that is,
though i'm not always quite sure exactly who that is on any given day.

boys don't seem to like who i am.
but that is not my fault. or my problem.
i don't have the faintest idea of how to be anyone but me.
nor will i try.

i don't care if people think that i'm hiding. or ruining my life.
i am not doing these things.
i am being me. in the only ways i know how.
if it looks like i'm hiding, i probably am. and i can admit that.
i don't wear a mask. i just change a lot. and i'm pretty sure that's okay.

if that is not enough, if i am not enough, then that is okay.
because to someone, i am enough.
and my quirks are perfect. and my imperfections are perfect as well.
i am perfect and amazing just the way i am.

i am perfect because i am trying.

i am perfect even though sometimes i fail.

i am perfect. simply because i am me.

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