tell me you hate your job.
tell me what you fall for. and what pulls you out of bed.
tell me who broke your heart the first time. the second. the third.
tell me about the day you gave up on your dream.
i see the pain through the laughter. i know there's part of you that is just not okay.
so tell me where to find it.
i'm listening. i care. and i NEED the honesty.
heartbreaking. raw. whispered. choked. honesty.
tell me you're mad at the monsters in the closet who raped your sister.
or killed your brother.
or beat your mother.
remember things don't have to be that literal to accomplish the task.
tell me about the nights you locked yourself in the bathroom and took a knife to your skin.
over. and over. and over. sobbing. praying for the pain would go away. and the numbness that saved you when it didn't...
tell me about the drugs. the pills. the fixes.
that never really fixed anything.
tell me how it felt to bury your baby. without anyone knowing.
that there's no way God needed her more then than you do now.
tell me about the days you spent perfecting that fake smile.
and the nights you broke down in tears wishing someone, anyone would wipe them away.
tell me how it felt to have your family disown you over a choice you were too young to make.
a choice that you alone were held responsible for. why not the grown up? the one who was supposed to protect you, but hurt you instead. why isn't the grown-up the responsible one?
tell me about the times you treaded through holy water, feeling guilty and unworthy. there's no way God could love a sinner. yet, you sense His love anyways.
tell me how it felt to be lied to. again and again. under the guise of love. the promise of protection. only to realize your life was founded on these loving lies. loving lies. loving. lies.
tell me where they kicked you. when you spoke out against it all. when you told them you didn't believe. and they scorned you in the name of a religion where love is preached and hostility practiced. no one deserves to feel that inadequate, yet they all do. every. single. one.
tell me about the man who held you down, told you that no one else could "love" someone as broken, tormented, and as ugly as you.
tell me about the people who violated you more by asking questions and trying to bring justice. but gave up when the leads went cold. only to apologize when they discovered eight more girls like you, raped by a man who doesn't even feel sorry for what he did.
do you think it was all your fault?
be honest.
all our lives suck. the end.
ReplyDeleteC.S. Lewis once wrote that "Pain is God's megaphone to a deaf world" don't get me wrong, i don't think God wants pain or inflicts it. No, i think we create pain, and that we chose it one day in the garden...
ReplyDeletebecause we wanted to be our own gods....
just like we want to own our souls
and to make a life that is ours,
with choices made by our own wisdom and might...
we really just want some credit.
and i believe that with our choice of self, we also chose pain. because, in order for real love to exist we had to be able to choose between love and something else.... otherwise we would just be toy soldiers living in a love that we never had a choice to live in. Which wouldn't really be love at all, would it?
So, with beauty comes pain... but if pain didn't exist would we ever need or want God? no. we could live happily without Him, and people still choose to do so. especially here in America, where the dollar buys our meals our security and our definition of self worth.
but none-the-less
the beauty of the human soul is incredible.
despite our scars, we love
despite our fears, we live,
despite our hate, we forgive.
and we seek.
everyone is seeking.
everyone wants to be loved,
because we were created to be the object of a love that is beyond understanding.
we have a great gaping hole in our souls,
a God shaped hole,
that can be filled by a savior that hung on a cross, for our sin.
So that we don't have to pay retribution any longer.
He will do that for us. He did that.
Now, we just need to accept that we are loved, and that in this world there will be pain. We are promised that. But we also know Jesus overcame the world. and that we will one day see a place without tears, without hate. only love.
i dont know where this little speech came from,
truth be told, im constantly scared, constantly doubting...
but beneath all that fear, there is a piece of me, that knows. really really knows. a place that is filled with a quiet peace that surpasses all understanding.
and a place that speaks when i take the time to be silent and listen.
despite my clashing thoughts, and notions of pride and doubt. The still small voice still can be heard. which is amazing.
Jaycie you are so beautiful and loved, AS YOU ARE.
:)
i hope this isn't tooo bold.
i just felt like writing a bit, maybe more for myself than even for you.
and i do love you.
LOVE THIS.
ReplyDelete"tell me about the day you gave up on your dream"
Katie,
ReplyDeletei love you. and i love reading what you write. whether to me or to you, i love it.
katelyn,
thanks my love! i miss seeing you! :(