the hard question...

There’s a question that’s been rolling through my mind lately that I’ve wanted to ask the people I love. It’s one I’ve wanted to ask, yet I haven’t because it’s a hard one, one I’m not sure I want answered.

If I follow my heart, but my heart leads me down a path against everything you believe in, will you still support me?

People always tell me, “I just want you to be happy.”

Though, the cynic in me always silently asks, “Do you really?”

And it might just be ignorance on my part, but I honestly feel like most of the people in my life only want me to be happy if the way I’m living correlates with their own beliefs.

For the past couple months, I’ve distanced myself from the Church. Some would argue that I’ve allowed my temptations to get the better of me, that the distance comes because I’m not living the way I should. I’m the first to admit that I’m far from perfect.

Though I try, I often slip up on my journey through life. I know to some it will look like I’ve been looking for a reason to leave. It’s actually been quite the opposite.

I’ve been looking for a reason to stay.

So I ask the questions no one has answers to, the ones that nag at me, that make it hard to sleep.

Rather than receiving answers, I’m told that I need to have more faith. That I need to live better, that I need to pray more and study harder. And if I do all those things with a righteous desire, the answers will come.

I’m sorry, but that’s not good enough anymore.

There have been times when I’ve been living “the way I should,” when I’ve done my very best, and yet the answers still haven’t come. I don’t think it’s because I didn’t try hard enough. I think it’s because the questions I’m asking have answers that don’t necessarily fit the church’s viewpoints, so if the answers come I don’t acknowledge them as truth.

I want so badly to fit in, to be able to live blissfully unaware of things that could potentially destroy the foundation I’ve built my life on.

And yet, there are too many things in the church that I disagree with. I’ve been taught all my life that people outside the church are just living lives of pleasure and that the only way to be truly happy is to live by the teachings of the church.

Excuse me?

Are you trying to say that the 6,987,000,000 people who AREN’T members of the Church are all unhappy? That they can’t know true happiness?

I don’t buy that. Not for a second.

I also don’t believe that my questions are the result of wickedness. I’m not a bad person. Yes, I make mistakes, but yet, I’m still me. I smile and laugh just the same. I’m just as funny, just as worthy of love as I’ve ever been.

I refuse to believe that leaving the Church will diminish God’s love for me. as I listened to tidbits from conference last weekend, I couldn’t help but think, “Do you realize you were capable of having those thoughts yourself? The Spirit doesn’t need to lead your life 100% of the time…you’re capable of having unique thoughts.”

There are a few things I know for certain:

God loves me. How could he not? I’m great.

His son, my Savior, Jesus Christ lived and died for me, to take my sins so I can be whole one day.

I love Him, my Brother, my Friend. He lived the perfect life, an example of love and light.

I believe in being honest and kind.

This world was created for me, that I might learn and grow and find ways to be happy.

I know that I have a purpose on this earth. What it is, I’m not sure of yet.

I believe in an after-life, and I strive for Heaven.

Yet, if Heaven is full of the people who judge me and make my life harder, then I’m not sure that’s where I really want to be. I want to be accepted, just the way I am.

I think the Church is full of truth, but I also think other religions also have a lot of truths too. God is too big for one church. I’m pretty sure as long as I live my life trying always to be like Him, I’ll find a way in this world. I don’t depend on the Church for truth. I don’t depend on the people in the Church for truth. I depend only on me, which is how I think I like it.

To me, God is love.

I am loved. And for now, that’s all that matters.