does anybody know how to hold my heart?

Firstly, there should be a STILL before my relationship status of Single.

i have been on a million first dates.

second dates: one.

third dates: zero.

i've done dinner dates, lunch dates, movie dates, and ice cream dates.

i've been mellow. i've been crazy. i've been quirky. i've been sweet.

i've been cuddly. i've been reserved. on every date, i've just been me.

i've dated Mormons, i've dated Atheists, i've dated Americans. Liberians.

Younger guys. Older guys. employed and unemployed.

short guys. tall guys. skinny guys. big guys. quiet guys. funny guys. grumpy guys.

i was genuinely interested in one...he decided i made a better plaything than long-term commitment.

and so i've become cynical.

i don't let myself have crushes.

i don't fall in love.

i stay in on the weekends and have DIY parties.

i treat myself to dinner.

i go to movies alone.

i'm okay on my own. and i don't need a man.

i work full-time. i have a lease. a car payment.

and a 401k.

i'll be going back to school in the fall.

i will completely school by the time i'm 25.

i might throw in some weird adventures before then.

who can say?

i'll become a teacher.

and if my FEC never comes along, i'll adopt some babies.

you don't need to be married to be a mom.

and so i won't wait for one to come along to make my dreams come true.

that's been the plan anyways.

i convinced myself i didn't need a man.

and then i met one i kinda liked.

he cuddled. he kissed the back of my neck.

he held my hands when we drove places.

i fell asleep on him during movies.

he was great.

and most of the things i wanted.

but we didn't have the same standards.

we weren't going the same places.

and that mattered to me, so i said good-bye.

because i wanted forever. and he wanted tattoos.

so now i'm left alone again, hoping for forever.

i don't ask for much, i don't think.

i just want a cute little average guy.

someone to love me and take care of me.

to take hold of my hand and never let go.

i want someone to fight with me.

someone to hug me around the waist and kiss my neck when i'm cooking.

and then drag me to church, even when i just don't want to go.

i want a white picket fence and a mailbox with our hand prints painted on.

i wanna be in love. the forever kind of love.

the "let's wait and make it special" kind of love.

i'm not very patient though. and so i hope he comes soon.

and i hope when he comes, he loves me in spite of all the mistakes i constantly make.

i want babies and date nights.

most of my dreams will come true because i can make them come true.

but one dream i just can't control.

and it just so happens to be the biggest one.

i want to be in love. i want my Mr. Perfectly Imperfect.

i want someone to hold my hand.

and more importantly, someone to hold my heart...

i can do it myself, only where's the fun in that?

my best friend.

i could just send you here.

or here.

or here. or here. or here.

here is another.

and another.

and another.

and this one.

see, i always write about my bffs. so i'm totally not doing one about my best friends.

especially because most of them suck.

and so i don't even really have an best friends today.

they mostly all ignore me and don't make room for me in there lives.

and you know what? i'm kind of sick of being the one who does the talking.

friendship is a two-way street and most of my friends don't seem to get that.

so my bffs of today:

trulan. colton. branson. my mom. wallice.

my day...

i stayed up until 3 a.m. texting a cute boy.

woke up at 10:43, one minute before my alarm went off.

came upstairs, at some cereal.

contemplated quilts with my mom.

showered.

had a bad hair day.

had a bad makeup day.

got dressed.

finally started to look sexy and sassy.

ended up being way late to church. like, fifteen minutes late.

boone's talk was brill. he's going to take portugal by storm.

went to the farewell dinner.

met Tess' boyfriend, Chaz. can't say i'm that fond.

ate some soup. chilled with the fam, who thinks i'm a riot. go figure, i am.

drove home.

folded some laundry.

spray painted a super cute flower hook that needs to be black.

put together the cute mirror i did myself yesterday.

ate some sunday dinner with the fam.

and then things got out of hand.

my family is full of die-hard football fans.

i could care about the stupid sport.

and so i started asking Jordan about her life.

but she is the BIGGEST fan ever.

yes, i might have been doing it to bug her.

it worked.

it ended with her waving at me with just her middle finger.

so i wandered back downstairs to do more laundry.

then i came upstairs to update my facebook status.

it reads:

Steeler's football: ripping America apart one family at a time...starting with mine.

of course i typed this while talking aloud. my parents are still giggling because i'm hilarious.

and humble. let's never forget humble.

the rest of my night will include moving into the ghetto, aka "The Brown House."

my life kind of makes me laugh.

and though i often speak the contrary, i love this little "middle finger waver..."

jaycie the cynic on day five...

my definition of love:

being the masochist who jumps into something you know won't end well.

it's that uncomfortable feeling you get when you've tipped back in your chair a little too far, a split second before you fall.

it feels like you've stubbed your toe.

it's the needles in your foot when it's fallen asleep.

it's getting dumped and moping around for months or years wondering what went wrong.

it's distracting yourself with DIY projects.

you know it's love when you realize you're the mouse who got close to the cheese but the last thing you heard was, "SNAP!" and then it was just too late...

it's wearing shoes, even though you hate shoes.

and dressing up when you wanna stay home and wear sweats.

it's the ultimate jump into a dark abyss of unknown torture...

quite frankly, i'm going to pass. love is miserable.

what i ate today....

oh ew...i just KNEW i was going to get this post today.

today i went on a See Food diet.

"i see it, i eat it...."

breakfast:

two poptarts. because they come in packages of two.

calories: 400.

lunch:

3" of a subway club with mayo.

calories: we'll go with 200.

THEN i ate a Marie Callendar's meal something.

calories: 650.

then i ate a bag of peanut butter m&m's.

calories: 240

20 ounce diet coke.

calories: 0, thank goodness!

then i took a much needed break from food.

until i got home to wellsville where i ate....

Dinner:

just like, 75 minutes of a Totinos pizza.

calories: 910....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

bulimia looks like a good idea right about now...

total calories: 2400. i guess that's not too bad considering i ate everything.

i guess i'll go make some cookies to add just a little more frosting to this unsightly cake.

day three. the 'rentals.

i have a mother.

i call her Mama Leishous.

it embarrasses, but i think she kinda loves it.

i have a father.

my first words were,
"Hi Dad!!!" super high pitched, super adorable.

i have been wreaking havoc on their lives for 19 years, 11 months, and 4 days.

do they regret having a Jaycie? maybe...NOT! they adore me.

and they're soooo cute to me.

for example, my mom always thinks ahead.

she makes sure i have all the things i need to be comfortable and happy.

and my dad...we he builds me everything.

he build me a great life. and he builds me cool things like dressers and shelves.

the absolute best thing about my parents is how much they love each other.

they're probably 16-year-olds. they are always kissing and flirting it up.

it's adorable. even though we're always like, "ew, gross!"

and the cutest thing they do...oh, i just can't express how much i love it!

here it is:

every time one of them leaves the house unexpectedly, they leave notes for each other.

they usually go something like this:

Sexy Dad,

i went to salt lake with Jaycie to pick up a bed and take it to her apartment. call me when you wake up!

love,

Ugly Mom

and THEN if you look at it later it goes like this:

UGLY

Sexy Dad,

i went to salt lake with Jaycie to pick up a bed

and take it to her apartment.

call me when you wake up!

love,

SEXY
Ugly Mom

there is just absolutely nothing cuter than parents who are still in love, 20 something years later.

day two: you can't buy me love...

as i was driving home from my career today, i had this discourse with yours truly:

"you can buy pretty much anything online. i'm never leaving my house ever again. except when i forget to order toilet paper. or stop to buy gas on my way to work."

"silly jaycie. you cannot buy LOVE online...."

"Yes you can! how do you think eHarmony.com, zoosk.com, match.com, Chemistry.com, ldssingles.com, and even plentyoffish.com make money? Mind you, plentyoffish.com is free. But the rest feast on the loneliness of everyone over the age of 18."

"oh....that."

but in all seriousness, i think it's just a conspiracy. after trying a few of them out, i have determined that dating is probably better left to real life experiences.

of all the guys i've ever met via the world wide web, nothing good has come of it.

i've had bunches of first dates. they all sucked.

see, the people who run online dating sites say they'll match you up on important things, but they're too busy finding new ways to screw you over to ever actually find anything to hold people together.

and then there's the issue of having led completely different lives.

when you meet someone the old-fashioned way, it's pretty likely that you crossed paths doing something you have in common.

like going to church.

or to school.

or even just working together.

but you can't do that with a dating site.

for example, my last date: k.

let me just draw out the big differences.

jaycie:

19, almost 20.

mormon.

works 9 to 5.

bedtime: eleven.

wake-up: as late as i can manage.

goes to institute on weekday nights.

stays in and does crafts on the weekends.

church sunday morning.

baking in the afternoon.

life plan: get married to a Sugar Daddy and have babies. my house will have shutters and a white picket fence. my kids will grow up singing, "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam." I'll be a relief society president and take casseroles or Chinese take-out to people when their loved ones die.

k.:

18.

non-religious.

works at McDonald's.

stays up until four in the a.m.

wake-up: noon.

plays x-box with his dad during the week.

parties on the weekends.

sleeps off the parties on sunday.

life plan: explore the world. get covered in tattoos. marry the first anti-psycho girl he can find. he'll probably raise kids just like him. he doesn't yet know what he wants to be when he grows up. his idea of a college education is culinary school.

see the problems here?

new plan to land a man:

go to church on sundays.

go to institute on weeknights.

spend more time in grocery stores.

jam out on the way to work.

meander the aisles in the library.

when Mr. Right is supposed to, he'll turn up.

i hope so, anyways.

day one...i don't need an introduction...

because i'm pretty much as perfect and wonderful as one can be.

and as such, people should just already know me.

but, if you insist.

name: jaycie penny leishman

age: 19-going on 20 or 35.

maturity level: varies. usually six. sometimes 65.

occupation: Customer Service at Snugz. no, we don't make snuggies....

favorite color: purple

political views: i'm conservative. like "women can't wear pants" conservative...

number one lover: Wallice Deviant. add him on facebook, yo!

beverage of choice: diet coke aka the life elixir. you don't need a sorcerer's stone to live forever if you're a coke whore.

hobbies: finding super cheap DIY projects at the D.I., baking, reading, being beautiful, being humble, and fishing.

common phrases: "tell me! tell me! ....fine. don't tell me!" "Ouch Charlie...and that really hurt Charlie, and it's still....hurting..." "I really like it." "secretly..."

song of the day: "let the rain" by sara bareilles or "hold onto your heart" by tina parol.

bio: i have two parents. i like 'em. i'm the number two out of four. boy-girl-boy-girl. i am 5'3 and weight ? pounds. i had my frenulum clipped so i could stick out my tongue; i still can't. my number two toe is the longest. i'm obsessed with metallic copper fingernail polish. on that note, i hate having my fingernails be long. i want them boy-short always. i'm the voldemort of ice cream prodigies. sometimes i do and say things that are not acceptable in society....like farting and then laughing hysterically. i can't sit still during church without a magnet doodle board, coloring books, or silly putty to distract me. i'm a big kid and have a queen size bed because i'm a princess. 9 times out of 10, i would be more willing to admit my weight than how many dollars i spend on jeans. and i know The Importance of Being Earnest...

sometimes i get myself into squishy situations...

but i always make sure to carry around my fire extinguisher? especially when Wallice and I go on rock-climbing dates.

sometimes i have a faux hawk and wrap myself up in garbage bags...

i live in a cave. and i ALWAYS have huge raves on the stairs.

and if i get invited to a birthday party, i usually give the Birthday Girl a cube of rainbow jello...

but all those things...they're just whate'er.

a new blogging challenge? always...

okay, i am a sucker for these silly challenges!

why, you ask?

because then i have to blog, which makes me want to blog more!

easy. okay. so here's the list. and i'm starting TODAY!

Day 01 – Introduce yourself with pictures and words

Day 02 – Your first love


Day 03 – Your parents


Day 04 – What you ate today 


Day 05 – Your definition of love


Day 06 – Your day

Day 07 – Your best friend


Day 08 – A moment


Day 09 – Your beliefs

Day 10 – What you wore today 


Day 11 – Your siblings


Day 12 – What’s in your bag


Day 13 – This week

Day 14 – What you wore today

Day 15 – Your dreams

Day 16 – Your first kiss

Day 17 – Your favorite memory


Day 18 – Your favorite birthday

Day 19 – Something you regret


Day 20 – This month


Day 21 – Another moment


Day 22 – Something that upsets you

Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better


Day 24 – Something that makes you cry

Day 25 – A first

Day 26 – Your fears

Day 27 – Your favorite place


Day 28 – Something that you miss


Day 29 – Your aspirations


Day 30 – One last moment

sometimes i'm a monster...

Last week i noticed an e-mail in my spam box titled, "Question from Providence YSA 5th ward"

i moved it into my inbox, determined to read it eventually.

the next day i got another one.

a couple days later, the subject changed.

and two days later, it changed again.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of them said this:

Hi Jaycie,

I'm the secretary in the YSA 5th ward relief society and I'm just following up on some church records info.

I understand that you are living in the Salt Lake area now, but your church records are still in our Cache Valley YSA 5th ward. Will you send me your current address so that the ward clerks can get your church records sent to the right place?

Thanks a lot,

asdlkfasdlfkj*

the first two...okay, i can understand that. but SIX of the same e-mail? seriously???

unluckily for asdlkfasdlfkj*, i was not in the best of moods when i replied to her e-mail.

i'll be honest, i was mean.

really mean.

like you can only be late at night

after apartment hunting all day, with no success.

or after your idiot bff spends the day with the girl he won't confess his love to.

while simultaneously ignoring your existence.

so, the e-mail...

asdlkfasdlfkj*,

i don't believe we've met, which means i have no problem telling you that you seriously need to back off a little. would it have killed you to be nice to me and ask me how my life is going rather than sending me six million of the same e-mail? not to mention the fact that it sounds like you're just trying to pawn me off on the first available ward to up your visiting teaching percent. harassing members sure isn't the best way to get people to attend their church meetings.

i did get your e-mail and just haven't had enough time to try to sort it all out for you. rather than continue to harass me with the same e-mail over and over, please send my records back to the ward where Allen Julian is bishop. It's the Cedar City YSA 12th ward in the 2nd stake. i'm sure he'll be a little more tactful and considerate in dealing with my church activity than you have been. i have contacted him and he is expecting my records immediately. i hope this helps you up that active member percentage you're so diligently fighting for!

thanks so much,

Ms. Jaycie Leishman

in retrospect, i should have been a little less mean.

oh well.

i hope i got the point across.

maybe i'll send it six more times...

*name changed in order to protect privacy.

the reasons for the short hair...

three years ago today, i cut off my hair.

up to that point, it was long and gorgeous.

think this:

to this:

no one knew it at the time, in fact, i'd bet most people still don' t know....but i cut it off as some weird, twisted punishment directed at the man who changed my life.

he loved my long hair.

he'd tell me it was gorgeous.

that i was stunning.

i kept my hair long because he loved it.

i spent hours keeping it perfect.

but after abusing me emotionally for years,

molesting me for several months,

raping me once,

and nearly raping me a second time,

i cut it off.

i just couldn't shake the memory of his fingers getting lost in my curls.

suddenly a part of me i'd loved so much was just a dirty reminder of what he'd done to me.

rather than cut him from my life, i cut off my hair.

then i gained 20 pounds on purpose.

all in the hopes that he wouldn't find me attractive anymore.

he still did. and that really scared me.

it's been three years.

in that time,

i've cut him from my life.

i came forward with the truth.

i stood my ground, though giving in would have been easier.

i lost most of my family.

i lost nearly all of my friends.

i've been called slut. skank. whore. homewrecker. liar. bitch.

basically every bad word in the book.

and i was called these things by people i loved, who weren't supposed to hurt me.

he wouldn't look me in the eyes as he denied nearly everything that he did to me.

he watched me testify, knew how much it was killing me to tell the truth while breaking the promise i made to him, "never to tell."

i've turned to others, hoping to fill the void he created.

i'm more jumpy now.

i don't trust as freely.

i don't laugh as easily.

and i'm terrified to fall in love.

because maybe, just maybe, they'd end up hurting me worse than he did.

though i'm not sure it's possible.

he was in my life for six years.

he was my best friend and he knew it.

he used that against me.

i was a broken girl. and he used me.

pieces that had merely been broken were shattered.

the extent of the damage he caused...i still don't really know.

and i think he knows that. even now.

i need to find a way to let go.

i need to let myself cry.

i need to let myself feel all these emotions fighting their way to the surface.

but i don't know how.

i guess i'll grow out my hair again.

maybe lose those extra pounds.

those can be the first steps of the journey.

"every step of the journey is the journey."

i have some hard steps to take.

and they might take awhile.

but i'm hoping i'm finally ready to take them.

and if i'm not quite ready....

well, it's been three years.

apparently i've already got time and patience on my side.

call me crazy...

but i LOVE the part of titanic where Jack draws Rose.

she's nekid. and i suppose that makes it weird. but just that scene....i love it.

maybe it's the music. and then when the Old Rose jumps in and is like, "my heart was beating the whole time...." but she seemed super calm during the entire scene.

i hate when Mojo comes in the house, jumps on my legs, and touches them with his cold, wet nose.

i cry a lot when i watch commercials. they just touch my heart.

and my tear ducts feel it too.

i love it when old women swear like sailors. i'll probably be like that.

i have a mild obsession with Diet Coke, preferably with Lemons.

and also with Stride Mystery gum...i just cannot figure out what flavor it is for the life of me!

help me, por favor! :)

i love Pink glitter Toms. i just got some. i feel like i should be a disco ball.

i have a twin. his name is just Branson Roskelley. and soon i will take pictures of the two of us together, even though he hates having pictures taken of him.

he plays Waka Waka by Shakira when he misses me. i might love that.

code word: banana?

changing oil both makes and ruins soooo many days.

i'm just a little crazy over Wallice's new rockstar outfit.

p.s. did anyone see his "it's cold out" outfit?

in case you didn't, look now, and dream of him:

there is no cuter teddy in the world.

it's fine. he's spoiled. he knows it.

his cologne. sexy. he smells like a very macho man.

i'm moving out soon. i'm starting a new job soon.

these things are on my mind. i kind of love them.

recap of the year...

in one word or an entire phrase:

constantly changing. some good, some bad.

I’m dreaming of:

change....lots of things are changing.

a new job. a new place. perhaps a better jaycie?

i'm kind of hoping for that one, i'll be honest.

11 songs i've had on repeat:

1. potbelly: freshlyground

2. home: edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros

3. waka waka (this time for africa): shakira

4. let me down easy: 2AM club

5. sofi needs a ladder: deadmau5 feat. sofi

6. hold onto your heart: tina parol

7. lovers in captivity: ima robot

8. today has been okay: emiliana torrini

9. not about love: fiona apple

10. dance the way i feel: ou est le swimming pool

11. what is love?: nevershoutnever

Gotta write it down:

all the notes i've been taking on receipt paper at the airport...it needs to be more permanent, in a medium that makes the memories a little sweeter and more bearable.

lesson learned:

no matter how far you run, you can't escape your problems. they follow and wait patiently for the perfect opportunity to pop up and make you cry. family is important, irreplaceable even. friends come and go. but once in awhile you find best friends that carry you through the hard times and laugh through the good times.

picture to frame:

This collage personalized with Smilebox

highlights of the year:

alaska. wisdom teeth. ice cream. summer.

cedar city. logan. kaysville. salt lake.

emery county with brandon.

bananas. totinos. branson. minions.

chats with Trulan.

RHA. SUU. even though they didn't last.

david at the airport. blogging. changing oil.

jello cubes. whales. eagles. big burgers.

going away parties.

my lesbaru. my amazon. my aryan.

c'est noye. fivefingers.

weekend to-do list: work. clean. get ready to move.