he makes me crazy...

i seriously can't even describe how much this boy bugs my life.
i'm in some serious like. as in, i want him...
he makes me feel safe. him simply walking into a room is enough to make me breathe easier.
and i swear yesterday-the worst day ever, mind you-would have been 100x worse if he hadn't been around.
perhaps i've scared him off just by being Jaycie the Savage.

i can't read him at all. i'm never sure where we stand.
i don't ever have a clue if i'm bugging him or making him laugh.
and i'm positive he thinks i'm nuts.
yet, sometimes he just watches me. and i swear he can see my soul.
he's always calm. it's like he's everything in the world that i'm not.
and in that regard, i must be good for him. he needs someone to pull him out of the comfort zone, right?

so...people at work have been asking me if we're dating, what's going on, blah blah blah.
i don't know what to say because we haven't talked about it. i have no idea where we stand, which i'll admit is causing an awful lot of unnecessary
i always just shrug and go, "I wish I knew..."

someone must have got to him though, because he didn't sit by me today.
did i mention it was my Irrational Sadness Day as far as PMS goes? I may have almost started bawling when I realized he hadn't taken the seat next to me. it was the first time in three weeks we didn't sit together.
he didn't talk to me at all while at work. and now that work is over, i'm certainly not talking to him first.
i'm almost positive i didn't do anything to provoke him into hating my guts.
maybe it's cold feet? maybe the 20% was enough to convince him not to date me.
that doesn't make sense though...because i'd be good with "just friends" if it meant i got to see him and sit and laugh with him everyday.

i vote if he doesn't sit by me tomorrow I just kill him, yes?
no, i won't kill him. but at that point it will be necessary to find out what's flying around that adorable head of his.
does he or does he not like me?
that's the million dollar question, kids.

if only it were as simple as the sixth grade flower "He loves me, he loves me not..." test...

i love it and hate it. mostly though, it's a hate thing. i didn't plan this. i didn't want this. i just want to know how it's going to end. probably not well, but you never know, i guess....

advice, anyone? heaven and hell both know i'm out of my element on this one! :(