just a second ago...

i got a text and i grabbed for my phone, hoping it was from you.
it wasn't.

i made you pretty mad tonight, i think.
but it wasn't on purpose, i promise.

i ended up using phrases like, "you don't understand," "i don't have to explain myself," and, "i wouldn't care anyways."

i was just thinking on my way home from work how i hoped to never use phrases like that when speaking to someone i love and respect and care about.

i'm not sure how you hit a nerve, but you did. i overreacted. and you took some of what i said worse than i meant you to. now it's silent between you and i.

did i ever tell you how much i hate silent treatment? probably not...
well, i hate it. i never know what to think of silence. if you say nothings wrong, i'll believe it. if you yell and scream and say you hate me, i'll sorta believe it. but silence is different.

silence is maddening.
it leaves things unfinished.
there are a lot of relationships in my life that are silent.
and i don't want ours, whatever it is, to be one of them.

i get it though. and i'll give you space.
i know i come on strong.
and i'm savage most of the time.
i'm kind of a creep. i can't really help it...well, i could...but where's the fun in that?

the thing i feel worst about was the, "you don't understand." it was belittling.
i had no place to say that. because how could i possibly know if you understood or not?
you know me pretty well. and i think--at least, i hope--that you understood...

i definitely wasn't me at my best tonight.
and for that, i would like to apologize. yes, i'm still a little sick. i'm very tired. and right then i was a little stressed. but that shouldn't be an excuse for what i said. and i really am genuinely sorry i said it.

you know how in dancing guys are supposed to lead?
i took a ballroom dance class a few times in high school. i'm a good dancer.
only i have this terrible habit of taking the lead.
i'm giving it back to you though. because i hate leading, and the power struggle leading up to it.

you be the guy. manly, tough, mysterious. and ridiculously sweet.
i'll be the girl. cute, giggly, overly sensitive. and ridiculously...jaycie.
deal?

there's another text. still not from you...

i'll give you your space now, i guess.
take your time too, because i meant it when i said i'm not going anywhere.