a letter to my Future Eternal Companion...

Hey Baby, or FEC for short.

i know you're my best friend. my very bff, and even though i say i have a million, it's really you.

i know you watch Madagascar with me because it makes me okay.

will you bring me ice cream when i'm down?

and fetch me midol and tampons when i just can't bear to go out?

will you call me jaycie penny to tease me?

and instead of trying to fix things, just whisper, "jayc..." and know it's just enough for me...

please hug me a million times a day.

and even when you think i've had enough, hug me one more time.

i promise it'll never get old.

please understand my mistakes and my flaws.

and love them more than the things i'm good at.

when i say, "do you love me even though i'm a savage?"

i hope you say, "i love you ESPECIALLY because you're a savage..."

remind me sometimes that life isn't meant to be serious.

when there are bills, and kids are screaming, and the house is a mess,

dance with me in the kitchen.

i hope you tease me when i cry during the cute commercials.

and when i see a mom kissin' her baby's skinned knee.

or follow around an old couple who are still so madly in love.

but i hope it makes you smile a little. and fall in love with me a little more.

just because it's a part of me that you love.

argue with me. and then help me with the dishes.

please let's make it tradition, to always do the dishes together?

we won't need a dishwasher. because we both have hands to do the work.

it'll be our special time to talk and laugh and sometimes cry.

love our babies.

and leave work at the door before you come home.

play with us. and make us the most important part of your world.

we'll be waiting when you come home.

the house might be a mess. and dinner might not be ready.

but I will try to be showered and cute for you, because it’s what you deserve.

and i'll always be waiting with a kiss meant just for you.

don't get mad when i spend out grocery money on jeans.

instead, admire how great they make my butt look.

please remember i love you most, even though i sometimes still cry over "him."

it's not that i miss him. it's that i wish you'd been able to see who i was before he changed everything about me.

when i wasn't as cautious.

when i trusted more.

laughed easier.

and panicked less.

just love me.

even when i'm pregnant and fat.

and not pregnant, but still a little fat.

eventually i’ll get my cute body back. 

love me when i cut off all my hair on accident.

or turn it a funny color.

love me when i'm happy.

and especially when i'm sad.

love me when i swear and scream.

sing to me. even if you have a bad voice.

and i'll sing to you. in public. just to embarrass you.

do those things for me. and i promise to love you forever and always.

through thick and thin. through our poor days and maybe our rich days.

when there are leaks in the roof. and our floors creak.

i'll love you when you're stressed.

and i'll straighten your tie when it's crooked.

tell me i'm pretty even when i'm probably not.

i'll roll my eyes. but secretly feel like a princess.

i may be crazy. i may not be the prettiest. or the skinniest.

but i'll try my best to be perfect for you.

you know, i want the boring kind of life.

that perfect happiness that comes from just being together.

not because life is perfect.

not because we are perfect.

but because our love is.

and sometimes when i push you away,

or say really mean things,

just keep loving me.

and i promise to keep loving you.

even when it's not easy, i promise to keep loving you.

forever yours,

jaycie penny.

maybe it was because of the boyfriend tee....

there's just something about being completely alone...

i always shower and get cute.

hair. make-up. the works.

and then i ruin it by curling up in some cute undies.

and a boyfriend tee.

and on days like today i watch clips like this:

this whole thing just kills me.

when they're watching clouds and he just kinda smiles.

and when they're washing windows together.

and when she puts her painted hand on the mailbox by his instead of repainting the whole thing.

i just love it. and i want that same thing for me.

someone should take Christmas away from me....

why, you ask?

because i'm a terrible gift-giver.

while everyone's been stressing over the PERFECT gift for everyone in their Contacts list, i've been sitting in the striped chair in the Thorley's living room.

blogging.

eating.

cuddling with Maisy, Mojo, and Zoe.

sleeping.

watching movies.

sipping (more like chugging) Diet Coke.

online shopping.

applying for new jobs.

watching season four of Dexter. (seriously, watch it.)

watching season one of Modern Family. (seriously, watch it.)

listening for the timer on my cookies.

warming my feet when the fireplace is on.

calling loved or hated ones.

mind you, this process is basically my life after work.

because i'm a loser.

anyways, eventually the time came to buy Christmas presents.

only, i never thought about it. see the pickle?

i waited a few mintues.

no divine help was to be mine.

and so, i took the easy way out.

i got everyone a chocolate orange, by Terry's.

and by everyone i mean my five immediate family members.

everyone else can go die in a hole as far as gifts go...

but that wasn't enough.

so i stuck a $20 inside.

sue me. but like i had time to think of something better.

and besides, who doesn't just want some spare change after the holidays?

aren't they basically designed to wipe people out anyways?

the trouble with tuesdays...

once upon a time, in between six million customers today, i had a strange thought.

isn't Tuesday the most pointless day of the week?

seriously...

Monday is the slap back into reality.

Wednesday is the middle, the hump, when you notice the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thursday is the day before the weekend.

Friday is the first day of the weekend.

Saturday is the day off for shopping and dates and sleeping in.

Sunday is for relaxing and eating.

but Tuesday....

it's just nothing.

just a big fat waste of calendar space.

just another eight-hour shift.

just another night without any good t.v. shows.

and for that reason, i motion to remove all Tuesdays.

amen.

oh shoot. i forgot about Taco Tuesdays...

i guess we can keep 'em.

surprise!

so...last night, eh?

Jaycie the Spontaneous.

he confirmed it.

wait. i know you're asking, "he who???"

Five Guys.

yes, Five Guys used my napkin number.

p.s. Five Guys shall be his code name.

since it's where we met.

back to last night:

text received at 9:34.

it's a 918 area code.

first thought?

who the heck do i know from the 918???

then i read this:

hey this is Five Guys from five guys. i'm assuming you have texting?

my face:

okay, the picture doesn't do me justice at all, but still.

obvs i was excited. in the best way possible.

so what have we learned about Five Guys?

he's from oklahoma.

he's moved here a little over a month ago.

and he's a complete sweetie.

we might have texted until 12:47 a.m.

and then we might have texted for a few hours this morning before he worked.

pros:

he's not intimidated by the fact that i'm a super smart super genius.

he doesn't think i'm crazy. (and if he does, he didn't say it.)

the word he used to describe me: spontaneous. over-used, but still cute.

nearly every time i ask him a question, i'm pleasantly surprised by the answer.

he seems genuinely kind, a rarity among men. 'specially in my life.

he doesn't feel threatened by Wallice, my main squeeze. literally! :)

on that same note, he didn't tease me about Wallice.

he's american and speaks english. (unlike the last one...or three?)

cons:

the number of time he used Lol: way too many to count.

(although, who can blame him??? i AM super funny!)

he's never seen Madagascar.

considering those "cons" can be remedied, this might not be so bad...

either way, i'm hooked.

i'm intrigued by Five Guys.

like always, the plot is thickening...and i'm kinda excited! :)

why, oh why do i do these things???

i went out tonight with my Mamasita and sister, Logan.

and the guy who took our order was SOOOOO cute.

and so...after much deliberation, i wrote this note:

as we ate, i got more and more nervous until i finally just couldn't take it.

i'm not a big fan of regrets, so i just got up, walked to the counter, smiled at him, held out the napkin and said, "hi. i'm jaycie. and this is for you."

he accepted it, smiled, and said, "thank you."

i turned around, walked away, (making sure to wiggle my bum just enough) and sat back down to finish my fries.

i won't lie, i was shaking pretty badly.

apparently giving someone my number is risky for my soul?

anyways, i probably overwhelmed him.

because i ALWAYS come on way too strong.

and he still hasn't used the number.

so he either keeps the rules and doesn't text at work or he isn't going to use it as anything other than something to laugh at.

either way, i did my thing.

and in true jaycie fashion, i don't regret it.

but honestly, i hoping he uses it. i could use a new friend.

an explanation...and a new list.

hey loves,

so i've decided not to write about the hardest thing i've ever had to do. at least...not yet.

i promise i'll get there. but until then, let's begin a new list! :)

p.s. i have a feeling the answer to the last blog's day ten will come on day fourteen of this one...

mind you, that's just a hunch.

maybe i'll just pick and choose which ones i actually want to do? however, i really am going to try to blog every single day. i need to be writing more. amen.

30 Days of Truth:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

day nine...fire grabs.

okay, i am SICK of this blogging challenge.

so i'm finishing it today.

day nine....

it's a list of five things i'd grab in a fire.

easy.

Wallice, because he's adorable.

my clothes. so i wouldn't have to be naked. and i spent LOADS of money on them.

Wallice's clothes. he'd be sooo mad at me if only i got to be clothed after a fire.

my laptop. there are just too many writing things saved on there. i'd be lost without my writings.

sewing machine. i can't afford to replace that thing...and i NEED it.

seriously, nothing is as cute as him....oh yeah. we're kinda, sorta obsessed with Ben and Jerry's.

day eight...letter to a distant friend.

you know, for the most part i've enjoyed this blogging challenge, but this one is hard. especially today.

life is constantly changing.

i move a million times a year, spanning at least as many miles.

there's no such thing as peace in my life.

so today's challenge, to write a letter to a friend i've been distanced from...that's hard.

there are easily twenty people i could write letters to here.

but instead, i'll settle for my Mandy Darling, as she's on my mind tonight.

Dear Mand,

remember when we met? where we met?

it was at the Department of Workforce Services and we both needed a job.

the same job. competition.

making us enemies from the start.

a week later, i was training at Cold Stone, Logan and you were not.

i thought i had won the battle.

a few short months later, you walked into my life for good.

we weren't really sure of each other at first, you and i.

but with some mandy-smoothies and jaycie-creations, we pulled through.

you made out with Matt McGrath...

(did i tell you he was literally AT MY HOUSE two weeks ago? talk about awkward...)

enter summer '08.

you lived with Aubrey, just in the same building as James.

i was a little jealous, i can't lie.

but that's just because i was in love with him and he was in love with Aubs.

Larry the Lion.

you dragging me to church.

blind date with men my age, not you, emily, or aubrey's age.

they were kind of losers, weren't they?

fast forward some more.

senior year for me, more college for you.

we got busy. you got a new job.

i applied for college. and got in.

at some point, we did that jaycie/james/aubrey/mandy cheesecake factory trip.

mmm....that sounds good. maybe we need a re-do?

james missed the memo of crossing legs...good thing we still love him.

anyways, next came the Be Good bracelets...

and then we were bad?

but we're always still trying, which counts, i think.

you don't know it, but you deserve the world.

you are amazing. you're talented. you're beautiful.

and not just the "hot" kind of beautiful.

the true beauty kind. the kind make-up just covers up.

we've been through a lot, haven't we?

together and apart. but always together in spirit, i hope.

do you know how much i love you?

in case you don't, ask. i'll tell you. but that might take forever.

please bless i get to see you soon.

amen.

love always,

one of your besties,

jayc

aka jaycie baby.

day seven...a bunch of favorites.

once upon a time, i was born during the month of february, thus another Aquarius was born.

(now please do not ask me any more Astrology questions...i don't know ANYTHING about it...)

only this particular new Aquarius was not like the others...she had these chubby little cheeks perfect for pinching. and the most DEVIOUS little smile you've ever seen!

and, as you can see, i started showing my crack at a young age...

(disclaimer...that's not MY butt...but i'm sure there's one like it of my butt somewhere.)

anyways...

a list of favorites.

movie:

madagascar, hands down.

but i also love:

despicable me

the notebook

madagascar too, oBviously. (you have to really emphasize the B on that one...)

Juno

Baby Mama

TV shows:

Top Chef All-Stars

Grey's Anatomy

Dexter

Brothers and Sisters

The Bachelor

The O.C.

songs:

oh my heck...this is nearly impossible. i hate this.

internet killed the video star: the limousines.

you make me happy: lindsey ray.

rockstar: hannah montanna.

down: jay sean.

between you and i: every avenue.

book:

blue like jazz: donald miller.

the kite runner.

harry potter.

a thousand splendid suns.

listen. i hate to cut this short but you have NO IDEA how badly i NEED to PEE....i've been holding it for like, thirty-six minutes. and prancing around the parking lot, sitting with my legs crossed, and unbuttoning my pants just isn't cutting it anymore!

peace suckas!

day six...three things i wish to be doing.

if we're being terribly honest, this is a super lame blog idea today...

who really cares what i WANT to be doing right now?

isn't it pretty clear i'm doing none of those things?

one: i wish i was in the middle of an intense work-out. i really love to work out. i just hate trying to work up the motivation to work out, so it never happens.

two: i wish i were nearly finished writing posts for my other blog, which you can find here. i have an entire pile of ideas i simply need to write out. when i get it going completely, it will rock! :)

three: i want to be constructing a list of pros and cons for future life decisions...i think i'll start that. just as soon as i do some laundry, run and meet my dad for a clothing drop, shower, and go on a date with Mohamed, sexy black guy from work.

can i just tell you real quick how good work was today?

on the other hand, if ONE more person asks me where to find napkins and forks, i'm going to punch that person...aka politely turn their attention to the fork oasis that is our lobby...

also, do i LOOK like i smoke?

how should i know where the smoking lounge is?

and i'm just going to make two confessions really quick.

one:

i stole a visor from under my register because i absolutely HATE wearing hats. visors aren't much better but at least they don't completely smash my hair.

two:

i might be sabotaging a co-worker on purpose...

that's what you get for trying to pull a quick one on me,

Name-I-Can't-Remember from Somewhere, Africa.

you really don't realize who you're messing with, do you?

i am a mental terrorist and i'm coming after you...just so you know.

day five...three regrets.

you know, i love and hate this blogging challenge.

i hate that i don't have enough time to write about everything.

and i love that committing to writing has forced me to do it. i better keep this up! :)

okay...so three things i regret doing or not doing.

my friend just described regret as things you have a choice over, that you could have altered or controlled to a degree...

well in that case, i really don't have any regrets.

of course there are things i don't like. or that i sometimes wish hadn't happened. but then i think about how much those things have taught me or made me grow and i seriously couldn't imagine my life without them.

things i kind of wish i'd done differently:

1. i wish i'd have saved more money. i worked my butt of through high school and all i have to show for it is...nothing. i always have designer jeans and way cute clothes and hair and i have fun...but i'm poor.

along those same lines, i wish i wouldn't have purchased a car a month before leaving for college.

i wish i would have moved to college earlier, found a job, and worked through my freshman year.

i wish i would have taken a year off after high school to work and save up for college. but at the same time, my freshman year was one of the best of my life!

2. i wish i didn't give love so freely where it is not deserved. i've been trampled by a few too many people. though once again, that has really shaped me. and i don't regret that. maybe in the future i'll work on it more!

3. i wish i wasn't so desperately poor that i jump at ANY job. i need to find one that i'll like, that will allow me to be myself.

this blog wasn't that fun. i'm sorry about that...if the one tomorrow sucks, i'll write something else instead! :)

day four...favorite memory.

tell the story of your favorite memory.

(sorry this is a day late. my life is crazy. i don't really feel bad.)

do you realize how impossible this is? i have too many perfect memories.

james...

what was that study group again?

Meow!

six years. heated driveway.

you owe me old grist mill soup. stat.

tag. you're it.

cinabon batter? really??? that doesn't even sound good!

do i blog about you too much? probably...

brandon....

bye lexus.

wallice misses you.

peach ice tea? please and thank you.

you did NOT invent garlic bread.

we were watching...cloudy with a chance of meatballs. i farted. dyl didn't get it.

fivefingers.

logan...

the night we danced in the field after the closing social.

you eating warm delights. me eating popcorn.

salmon girl.

boxing ring.

jello ice cube tray.

"no one even likes school."

branson....

"tell me! tell me! ....fine. don't tell me!"

french toast tuesday.

driving halfway to bear lake. basically every day.

totinos pizza.

ahhht oh! (this is me and Luke style....)

seth, where's my hug?

move to cedar city with me, por favor? sil vous plait? pretty please???

i don't have only one favorite memory. i have favorite memories with nearly every human i know.

the ones up there? those are the people on my mind tonight.

i hope all four of them know how deeply i love and adore them.