an alone day...

I have had the entire weekend to myself.
i cleaned my place. i went grocery shopping.
i napped.

i rented the descendants. it wasn't that good, but i kind of loved it anyways?

and then i went to ikea. i am OBSESSED with ikea. i love to go and wander and plan for when i have a house or something.
speaking of which, i have my own place that's badly in need of some jaycie love. i'll be honest. i'm a little stumped about what to do with my space. it's soooo awkward. i just have no idea how to decorate. perhaps tomorrow i'll post some pictures and you guys can all pitch in some ideas.

my house isn't cute yet though. i'm not sure where/how to hang things. i desperately need to figure it out. i'm happier when my space is cute. i'm kinda thinking i want a different bed frame. something closer to the ground. and maybe a loveseat and chair that are cute.

i'm a baller on a budget though, so maybe i'm just speaking in wishes.

today was kind of a hard day. i had a lunch date with a new guy i met online. he was great. the date was fine. but my heart was missing. apparently i've given it away to Handy Manny, and i had no idea. i'm coming to peace with that. at first, all i could think about was how completely terrifying. to give your heart to someone is kind of hard.
but i trust him with it. he told me today he can't guarantee he won't break my heart, but he promised he'd be gentle.
and if for whatever reason, we end up going our separate ways in a few months or a few years, i am sure that i'll look back and smile at the great times we've had and that we will have.
ultimately, i want him to be happy. and if that means he finds someone else who can bring him more joy than i can, i will be so happy.

i've watched quite a few love stories unfold over the past 21 years. some couples get closer and fall more in love over time. some fall apart.

i've thought about that a lot over the past few days. i think the main reason relationships fail is selfishness. the people who seem the most happy to me are the ones who give and give and give and never ask for anything in return. when they're in love with someone who gives as much as they do, and no one's attitude ever turns into, "what can you do for me?" then it gets better over time.

i imagine a lot of people would argue that and tell me it's not that simple, but i don't buy that.
it's only as complicated as you make it.

i had a wake-up call last week. Handy Manny told me i sure complain a lot. and he was right. i WAS complaining a lot. after that, i made an effort to look for beautiful things, to remind myself often how beautiful this life is and how blessed i am.
i haven't asked him if he's noticed a change, but i have. i'm not dwelling on the things going wrong, and i'm seeing beauty around me more and more all the time.

i'm going to be okay. there's a quote by Charles Chaplain that i love. "Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles." I love that. I'm reminding myself often that change is not only inevitable, but that it can be good.

i've changed a lot over the past few years, and i'm sure that i'll continue to change in a lot of ways. it's not something to fear. after all, there's no guarantee. in a second, this could all be gone. and change happens whether you want it to or not.

i just hope at the end, i'm happy with who i am and what i've made my life into.
i don't have any regrets. i'm happy with where i am, and i'm excited to see where else i go.
i'm living every moment. i'm feeling all the emotions, and reminding myself to breath.
i'm living passionately every single day.
i'm happy.

i get to cuddle my love a lot of times every week. i get to smooch him. and he has this way of making me smile when i'm sad. and calm down when i'm having a freak out. he's my best friend. and he's an expert at cooking popcorn.
i don't think it gets much better than that.