a melancholy post.

so, i've made it a point the past year or so not to really talk about my personal life on here.
i've made it purposefully vague.
and i've been thinking about that lately.
this is my blog. and i've always been very honest with myself and others.
so, why hide here?

i'm opening back up. my heart NEEDS to open back up.
i miss me. i've been so focused on always doing/saying the right thing, and worrying more about how to survive than how to enjoy living.
things are calming down in my life, which means plenty of time for reflecting.

i've decided to have a summer just for me.
fall back in love with myself. treat myself to movies and dinner alone. read again.
take sewing back up. and baking. and learning to cook for just me or a couple people.

i want to take up running. and maybe get a little color in this skin of mine.

i've been pretty homesick lately.
i miss my parents and my siblings.
i miss my friends.
i miss my grandparents.
i miss familiar places and faces.

i got thinking about my family though. it's kind of bittersweet situation.
my dad's side is good. my grandma loves me. and a couple aunts love me. the rest thing i'm kind of a savage and laugh at some of my jokes. and mostly they love me.

my mom's side doesn't really love me. i've been disowned by most of them. sometimes i creep on facebook, and if i'm being honest, it makes me miss them a lot.

i was molested by my uncle, who was my best friend. what he did was terrible, but i don't think that necessarily makes him terrible. i don't hate him anymore. and i'm finally at a place within myself where i can admit that there are parts of me that miss him. i don't want to see or speak to him. i'm not there yet, and i'm not sure i'll ever be there. he hurt me in more ways than i probably even know.

when my family found out what was going on, everyone was outraged. a lot of people didn't believe me. but i think mostly they already knew the truth and just didn't know how to deal with that.

it's been three years since i talked to most of them. i was about to graduate when people found out that he was being charged, that i'd come forward. there was a lot of animosity, and though no one would speak to me, i eventually heard that people wanted me to drop the charges, that we needed to figure it out as a family. i didn't agree with that then, and i don't agree with it now. there are some things that can't be solved just by talking.

i stood my ground and told the truth, and i was the one hurt by it.

i'm not mad about that. i don't have even one shred of anger in my soul. i think most everyone has probably calmed down and just doesn't know what to say at this point. maybe they feel that i owe everyone an apology over what happened. maybe they're still mad, i really don't know. and maybe they just don't know what to say to fix all the broken bridges.

if i could tell them all one thing, it would be that i'm sorry. not that i'm sorry for what happened. and i'm not sorry for telling the truth. i'm sorry that they felt threatened by the truth. that our family wasn't strong enough to band together and work through something that was devastating to all of us. i'm sorry they felt like disowning me was the right thing to do, when the one thing i could have used most was love and support. i'm sorry they felt like they had to take sides. there were no sides to take. no one won. it was a horrible situation for every person, no matter how directly or indirectly they were involved.

to him i would say that i forgive him. i don't understand how or why he did what he did, but i forgive him. not for his benefit, but for mine. i can't stay mad. it's not who i am or who i ever want to be. i hope more than anything he's gotten help, that he can eventually have relationships with healthy boundaries that were missing when he was in my life. i want him to know i was never seeking justice. i was looking for honesty, for forgiveness, and for closure.

i'm sorry to his kids, my sweet cousins who were touched by this as much as-if not more-than i was. i miss them to the very depths of my soul. i miss watching them grow up, hearing them laugh, and seeing their little crooked smiles. to them i would say that i'm sorry they have to live without their dad. but, i would tell them i did it for them. so their dad could get help, and so the same thing wouldn't happen to anyone else. i hope they're happy, and that one day they can forgive me and see that i didn't do it to hurt them. if there had been a way to avoid that, i would have done it in a heartbeat...

i've heard their mom is in a better place. she's with someone who loves her and treats her like she deserves. to her i would say that i'm sorry. whether she believes it or not, i was too young to have to make those decisions. she has every right to blame me for what happened, but i wish she'd realize i was a kid. i was 16 years old, and i didn't know how to say no. i've grown so much from the girl she knew back then. i can say no now, and wish more than anything i'd have known how to say it then.

to my parents i would say thank you. for standing by me. for supporting me when it meant being just as disowned as i was. my parents are incredible, even though we don't always agree on everything. they love me anyways, and i'm so very blessed to belong to them. to my dad, thank you for teaching me to be strong. to keep going when it seems hard, and to find solutions when it doesn't look like there are any. he is the perfect example of what a husband and father should be. to my mom, thank you for giving up everything for me. your family, for one. i don't think i could possibly list everything you've sacrificed for me over the past 21 years. my first memories of you include baking cookies, and helping you take care of Jordan. we did good, didn't we? she's perfect, even though she's a bratty teenager now.

to my brothers i would say thank you for trying. they were probably the closest people to the situation, and i can see why forgiving me would be hard. i'm so very grateful that they did forgive me in whatever way they could. it's been a rough few years, but i love them. and i know they'd do anything in the world for me, no questions asked.

to my sweet baby Jordan, i would say i'm sorry you don't understand everything that's gone on. i'm sorry you were excluded from so many events because of things you had no control over. i'm sorry you had to suffer consequences that should have been mine alone. i know it's hard to love me anyways. you're my best friend. and though we fight, i wouldn't want anyone else to be my sister. i love you. and i want you to be happy. i hope you know i'm always here for you, even though there are millions of miles between us. you are gorgeous. you're truly perfect. and you deserve someone who loves every single inch of you, and who can take care of you. and in case you didn't know, that is ME! :) seriously though, you're my baby. technically you belong to mom and dad, but let's be real. you're my baby too. i have pictures to prove it.

and to all of them i'd say that i'm not mad. that i miss them. that i want to be involved in their lives, if they'd take me back. and i want them to be involved in mine, if that's what they want.

i won't make the first step though. i can't. i don't know how. and i don't feel like i should have to, because i'm not the one who walked away. i will say though, that i wouldn't be mean. i wouldn't judge. i would listen to their sides of it all. and i wouldn't have to forgive, because i already have. i understand in ways they can't possibly comprehend.

i moved to Denver to get away because i felt suffocated. now that i'm alone, i realize just how much i miss being part of a family. i've created my own little family of friends, etc. and that is good enough most of the time. but i miss the parties, the teasing, and the people who've known me longer than i've known myself.

i'm not expecting any changes, and i've come to peace with the fact that i can't change anyone. but i've changed myself. and i'm continuing to change. 
i didn't tell anyone this, but the drive to Denver was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. it was mostly silent, and i came across this song.
it brought me so much peace. there isn't one single line that i don't feel deeply in my heart.

i am moving on. i'm done with the past. and i would love to have some company on the journey that lies ahead of me. 

i hope this doesn't offend anyone. it's not at all my intention, and i tried to tread carefully through a very sensitive topic. i'm not perfect, so there's no way i could have written this perfectly. my intentions are pure, and i expect nothing in return. i just felt like i had to get a few things off my chest tonight. i tried to write this with all the love i have in my heart. i tried to be respectful, and i hope people can see that i'm trying.

 to get ahold of me, my e-mail is jayciespacie@gmail.com .

studio apartment problems. nbd.

sooo....i wrote an entire post about my place. i posted it from my phone.
and then i tried to edit it from my phone and deleted the whole thing.
but i will recreate for my lover and super hot girlfriend, ashlee adkins.

my place is a mess. perhaps i'll post pictures tomorrow of the before and after mess.
everything kind of fell apart this week. but i realized something today.

it can all be cleaned up. and it's not even that hard, once you commit.

so, anyways. i posted a hundred pictures. because i finally have plans for my place!!! yay! now, when my bank account will allow it, changes will be happening up in here.

so, without further ado, here are my plans for my squalid little studio:

i'm thinking something like this. my bed is up high now, but if i put it closer to the ground, i'm hoping it'll be less of a focal point and will help it seem more like a bedroom and living room instead of just a bedroom.

i LOVE this idea. i've already got a couple bottles lined up. just need to find some fun yard and go crazy. such a fun way to add a pop of color to my boring palette.

i have a couple tables that are a little cuter than these, but i think this would be cute. i'm thinking instead of black/brown, have a yellow/coral table. and then a pretty turqouise/lavender.

i wanna do this because i have the ugliest blinds ever. plus, i'm in the bottom corner apartment and there are always little screaming savages outside, so i don't open my windows. i don't have any lights in my main living area, so it would also be a good way to get some light in here.

instead of the weird candles though, i'd put a table with a couple chairs for a little eating area. i desperately need more seating.

and i wouldn't do brown. maybe a light blue or yellow for the curtains. that would be pretty!

i love this idea. i'll probably put it above my bed. i desperately need color, like i've said. and with some cute paper and maybe some randomly placed photos of my favorite humans, it could get really fun and cute.

this will be in my otherwise normal, girly bathroom. i feel no need to justify the fact that i'm six-years-old...

this is made out of rolled up magazines. not only is it an awesome way to recycle magazines i'd normally just throw away, but it's colorful, and kinda funky/fun. plus, no way would i be sad getting rid of it, because it would be so easy to replace. 

i have a million more ideas. just ask my pinterest. but that's a good place to start for now! :)

sets of five...an update.

how about a catch-up post?

five things i'm missing right now:
girls night with my mom, Jordan, totino's pizza, and movies.
cafe rio salads with shah'ada. or indian food with hollie. either.
working with my bff james at cold stone. and ashlee rose adkins who is in PA.
baby animals, blooming flowers, and the way spring looks in the CV.
my dad's dutch oven potatoes...

five things i'm looking forward to:
jason mraz and christina perri in concert at red rocks this september.
handy manny coming back from Louisiana.
spending this weekend cleaning my place, baking, and some DIY projects.
being completely caught up on my bills. come on June!!!!
starting work at Comcast. May 14.

side note: they have a gym and showers IN THE BUILDING. it's 3 miles from my house, and next to a bike trail, so i can always ride my bike to work. that'll save money on gas and give me a mini-workout. plus,  i'll be making more money, and i already know how to do the job...i can't wait! :)

five things i've been up to:
i started working out pretty hard core. i'm determined to get healthy.
i started watching game of thrones online. it's pretty awesome. i'm hooked.
on that same note, New Girl is fabulous. like, LOL hilarious.
i found an indian place a few blocks away. it's expensive, but amazing. obviously it's called India's Restaurant.
i'm really boring...i've been people watching at ikea a lot. it takes a really special kind of loser to think it's a good time...i know, i know.

five things i want to try:
marshmallow caramel popcorn. next time i go home to utah, we're doing it...
aerial yoga.
definitely wanna try zumba. i know, i'm late hopping on that train. but i still wanna do it.
visit a water park. AND an aquarium. that would be awesome...
try squab. it's still on the list. but this year is the year! i can feel it.

and five more for what the heck...
my main food group is cereal. rice chex and special k red berries. i don't like cooking for just me.
the milk from my cereal obsession is making my allergies go INSANE. soo...maybe i'll try soy milk instead.
the pans my mom got my for christmas are AMAZING. not only are their purple, they're non-stick. not even rice stuck to them...i'm in love.
wallice is missing his hot girlfriend Jordan.
and i'm not brushing my teeth before bed. just this once. because i just don't feel like it.

bedtime. because i'm turning into a grandma? yes!

an alone day...

I have had the entire weekend to myself.
i cleaned my place. i went grocery shopping.
i napped.

i rented the descendants. it wasn't that good, but i kind of loved it anyways?

and then i went to ikea. i am OBSESSED with ikea. i love to go and wander and plan for when i have a house or something.
speaking of which, i have my own place that's badly in need of some jaycie love. i'll be honest. i'm a little stumped about what to do with my space. it's soooo awkward. i just have no idea how to decorate. perhaps tomorrow i'll post some pictures and you guys can all pitch in some ideas.

my house isn't cute yet though. i'm not sure where/how to hang things. i desperately need to figure it out. i'm happier when my space is cute. i'm kinda thinking i want a different bed frame. something closer to the ground. and maybe a loveseat and chair that are cute.

i'm a baller on a budget though, so maybe i'm just speaking in wishes.

today was kind of a hard day. i had a lunch date with a new guy i met online. he was great. the date was fine. but my heart was missing. apparently i've given it away to Handy Manny, and i had no idea. i'm coming to peace with that. at first, all i could think about was how completely terrifying. to give your heart to someone is kind of hard.
but i trust him with it. he told me today he can't guarantee he won't break my heart, but he promised he'd be gentle.
and if for whatever reason, we end up going our separate ways in a few months or a few years, i am sure that i'll look back and smile at the great times we've had and that we will have.
ultimately, i want him to be happy. and if that means he finds someone else who can bring him more joy than i can, i will be so happy.

i've watched quite a few love stories unfold over the past 21 years. some couples get closer and fall more in love over time. some fall apart.

i've thought about that a lot over the past few days. i think the main reason relationships fail is selfishness. the people who seem the most happy to me are the ones who give and give and give and never ask for anything in return. when they're in love with someone who gives as much as they do, and no one's attitude ever turns into, "what can you do for me?" then it gets better over time.

i imagine a lot of people would argue that and tell me it's not that simple, but i don't buy that.
it's only as complicated as you make it.

i had a wake-up call last week. Handy Manny told me i sure complain a lot. and he was right. i WAS complaining a lot. after that, i made an effort to look for beautiful things, to remind myself often how beautiful this life is and how blessed i am.
i haven't asked him if he's noticed a change, but i have. i'm not dwelling on the things going wrong, and i'm seeing beauty around me more and more all the time.

i'm going to be okay. there's a quote by Charles Chaplain that i love. "Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles." I love that. I'm reminding myself often that change is not only inevitable, but that it can be good.

i've changed a lot over the past few years, and i'm sure that i'll continue to change in a lot of ways. it's not something to fear. after all, there's no guarantee. in a second, this could all be gone. and change happens whether you want it to or not.

i just hope at the end, i'm happy with who i am and what i've made my life into.
i don't have any regrets. i'm happy with where i am, and i'm excited to see where else i go.
i'm living every moment. i'm feeling all the emotions, and reminding myself to breath.
i'm living passionately every single day.
i'm happy.

i get to cuddle my love a lot of times every week. i get to smooch him. and he has this way of making me smile when i'm sad. and calm down when i'm having a freak out. he's my best friend. and he's an expert at cooking popcorn.
i don't think it gets much better than that.

Denver; an intro.

okay, i've been putting this post off for WAY too long.
i just know already it's going to take forever, but it's important. so here goes!

clear back in July, i met Handy Manny. prior to that, I never considered moving to Denver in my wildest dreams. I just wasn't interested. I knew it was a silly little square of a state and figured it must be just like Utah since they're neighbors...
uh, no.
not even close. for one, Denver doesn't have mountains at all. the only mountains are too the west and they're so far away, you can't even see them unless you're standing on a three story building.
but, i flew out here a bunch and decided i loved it.

lucky for me, i was getting kind of antsy for a change, and i figured, why not?
so, literally three weeks later, I was on my way to Denver.
my brother Nick and I packed up all my furniture and big stuff and made our way out here.
only, we broke down in Cisco, Utah. about 45 minutes from Moab.

we caught a tow truck back to Moab and spent the night. while his truck was getting fixed, we had a little Moab journey, which was incredible. we took a tour and spent some time with an amazing guy. he started the search and rescue program 22 years ago in Moab, after being a deputy for the police department. he had SOOO many cool stories.

 this is a dinosaur footprint. there were EVERYWHERE. baby ones, big ones. it was incredible. just stuck forever in Moab...and so easy to see if you know what you're looking for.

 that's Nick and our cowboy guide and the little vehicle we cruised around in all day. it was INSANE how it could just climb everything like it wasn't even hard.

it was gorgeous. i'll definitely be back there. Nick and I had a blast. we didn't plan it, for sure. but it was still pretty amazing!

then, we continued on. Denver came quickly and we met up with Handy Manny for the night.

we moved into my place, then the guys went to a hockey game.

we booked it back to Utah and I tied up a few things before I took the final trek out here with the rest of my stuff.

 this is the sunset from our trip back to utah. it's from the exact place we broke down. it was gorgeous.

 i slept on the floor for a few days since my bed was in denver. it got messy trying to pack around my little make-shift bed. also, i'm way too old to be sleeping on the floor. my back and hips and ribs were like, "Excuse you??? princesses do not sleep on floors!"

 when i got to Denver, i found that my parking space is on a speed bump. it's way harder to park here than you'd think, but two weeks later, i've soooo got it!

 on my way to work on my second day, i hit this curb and got a flat tire. it was not repairable, so i had to replace it. not fun for my bank account, but i'm going to be fine. i colored while i waited.

they only had markers though, so that was kinda weird. i'm definitely a crayon kind of girl.

 who even makes curbs like this??? seriously? they're supposed to be round...

 and i was especially cute that day and Handy Manny wanted a pic, so I got resourceful and took that pic! yes, i'm standing on a toilet. they don't have any good mirrors at work. it's hard to be so beautiful and vain and not be able to look at myself always... ;)

 There are ALWAYS bunnies and squirrels running around my apartment. it always makes me giggle like a seven-year-old because they're sooo cute! they freeze, like they think if they don't move i can't see them. and it's soooo cute when they hop away. i kind of love them.

that's good for now. things are crazy, and i'm having tons of adventures. we'll talk that through later. it's time for this working woman to head out! :) 

Denver; an intro.

okay, i've been putting this post off for WAY too long.
i just know already it's going to take forever, but it's important. so here goes!

clear back in July, i met Handy Manny. prior to that, I never considered moving to Denver in my wildest dreams. I just wasn't interested. I knew it was a silly little square of a state and figured it must be just like Utah since they're neighbors...
uh, no.
not even close. for one, Denver doesn't have mountains at all. the only mountains are too the west and they're so far away, you can't even see them unless you're standing on a three story building.
but, i flew out here a bunch and decided i loved it.

lucky for me, i was getting kind of antsy for a change, and i figured, why not?
so, literally three weeks later, I was on my way to Denver.
my brother Nick and I packed up all my furniture and big stuff and made our way out here.
only, we broke down in Cisco, Utah. about 45 minutes from Moab.

we caught a tow truck back to Moab and spent the night. while his truck was getting fixed, we had a little Moab journey, which was incredible. we took a tour and spent some time with an amazing guy. he started the search and rescue program 22 years ago in Moab, after being a deputy for the police department. he had SOOO many cool stories.

 this is a dinosaur footprint. there were EVERYWHERE. baby ones, big ones. it was incredible. just stuck forever in Moab...and so easy to see if you know what you're looking for.

 that's Nick and our cowboy guide and the little vehicle we cruised around in all day. it was INSANE how it could just climb everything like it wasn't even hard.

it was gorgeous. i'll definitely be back there. Nick and I had a blast. we didn't plan it, for sure. but it was still pretty amazing!

then, we continued on. Denver came quickly and we met up with Handy Manny for the night.

we moved into my place, then the guys went to a hockey game.

we booked it back to Utah and I tied up a few things before I took the final trek out here with the rest of my stuff.

 this is the sunset from our trip back to utah. it's from the exact place we broke down. it was gorgeous.

 i slept on the floor for a few days since my bed was in denver. it got messy trying to pack around my little make-shift bed. also, i'm way too old to be sleeping on the floor. my back and hips and ribs were like, "Excuse you??? princesses do not sleep on floors!"

 when i got to Denver, i found that my parking space is on a speed bump. it's way harder to park here than you'd think, but two weeks later, i've soooo got it!

 on my way to work on my second day, i hit this curb and got a flat tire. it was not repairable, so i had to replace it. not fun for my bank account, but i'm going to be fine. i colored while i waited.

they only had markers though, so that was kinda weird. i'm definitely a crayon kind of girl.

 who even makes curbs like this??? seriously? they're supposed to be round...

 and i was especially cute that day and Handy Manny wanted a pic, so I got resourceful and took that pic! yes, i'm standing on a toilet. they don't have any good mirrors at work. it's hard to be so beautiful and vain and not be able to look at myself always... ;)

 There are ALWAYS bunnies and squirrels running around my apartment. it always makes me giggle like a seven-year-old because they're sooo cute! they freeze, like they think if they don't move i can't see them. and it's soooo cute when they hop away. i kind of love them.

that's good for now. things are crazy, and i'm having tons of adventures. we'll talk that through later. it's time for this working woman to head out! :) 

I'm back, suckas! :)

First of all, let me give you all an apology for being the worst blogger ever the past couple months.
Moving to another state has been quite the ordeal, but I made it!

More on that crazy adventure soon, just wanted to let you all know I'm back and will be in action shortly!

A few teasers of things to come:
My trip out here included an unexpected detour through Moab, Utah.
The guy who installed my internet told me I have the cutest little sneeze.
There's a security guard at work who creeps on me when I'm coming and going.
My place has no lights.

Have a good day! :)