warning: the following blog comes directly from my little heart. these thoughts aren't edited. and i probably didn't think this through all the way. sorry...my mind's been on other things.
(it just kinda cuts off at the end, but whatevs. you get the idea.)
it's one of those weird nights...the kind that only follow weird days.
you see, i have this dilemma.
it's the, "Do I say what I'm thinking and risk ruining everything or do I keep my mouth shut and see where the pieces fall?" kind of thing i so often find myself in the middle of.
do i tell him i want him? that i can't stop thinking about him? that against my better judgement i'm already falling head over heels? or do i wait for him to make a move? do i tell him every touch sends a shiver through my body, that the memory of his kiss erases every other thought in my head?
do i mention that every single mile of my flight home made my heart sink a little more? driving into Cache Valley, the place that used to be home, didn't make me smile at all just because he isn't here and it doesn't feel like home anymore.
everything about him is everything i thought i'd never want in a million years. but on him, it's adorable and makes me want him more. it's all completely endearing, letting me see sides of him i would have missed otherwise. sides that make him who he is. sides that i kind of love. and i'm soooo glad i got to meet this incredible guy. because of him, the things i want out of life have completely changed.
it wasn't like i planned this. i didn't want it at all. my life was less complicated before he walked into it...
and yet, i don't want it to go back to the way it was. because it's been a little brighter, a little more exciting with him in it.
but if i tell him those things, is he going to think i'm a psycho? will he run for the hills because i'm coming on too strong?
it's not that i want a proposal. or a commitment. or anything, really. i know it's going to be hard making it work. we're different. but as far as i can see, we want the same things. we're going in approximately the same direction. he makes me want to be better.
for the first time in my life, i actually want to see it through. i'm willing to risk my heart on this one, because i don't think he'd intentionally break it into pieces. instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, i'm thinking i'll just take off the damn shoes and jump in.
only...is he going to be there to catch me? or am i about to split my heart open when i crash at the bottom?
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