hey you. yes, you. keep reading.

dear super awesome guy who does everything for everyone all the time,

you don't always have to be the strongest human ever. even though you think you do.
you don't have to pretend you're okay and like you have everything under control.
you can stick up for yourself. you don't have to let everyone walk all over you.

you can admit defeat sometimes. and it's not illegal to take a couple days off when you need a breather.
you don't have to hold it all in. i'll always listen. and if you don't wanna talk to me, talk to someone. i'm tough, and honestly your stuff is easier for me to deal with than mine. besides, mine gets boring.
it's not healthy to keep it all in though, i promise.

you've got millions and billions of responsibilities. you wake up early and go to school, then work. and then do it all again. you try to see your favorite people. and you have that other job that steals you away for a weekend every month. you go to school four days, work five, and they overlap weird, so you have some type of responsibility six days a week.

no one tells you how great you are. you probably don't tell many people all the things you do all the time. so when they make demands, they don't know the load they're adding to. you don't tell people no. maybe sometimes you should...

i could go on forever, you know that because you listen to me all the time. i won't. just please don't forget how amazing you are. no one tells you that. i'll tell you every single day, if it'll help. you honestly have one of the most beautiful, brilliant souls. please don't let anyone every dim that light. you have a lot you can give.

don't give it freely though.
only give yourself to people who will actually appreciate what you do, instead of the ones who find new ways to use and abuse you.

you've changed my life, you know. just by being you. take it for what it is, just words on a page. but you know me, i think. more than anyone really does these days...you care for reasons i can't imagine or possibly begin to understand. you know my heart, the pieces i willingly show you and the ones you sometimes surprise out of me. i meant everything i said.

you haven't left yet, which is lucky for me. especially considering how often i turn into a sass ass, just to irritate you. just so you know, i'm not going anywhere either. until you tell me you don't want anything from me, i'm here. you don't scare me.

rambling. that's what i'm doing now. i'll stop.
but seriously. you're perfect, imperfections and all.

sincerely/love,
jayc,  your coldstone savage princess.

in the nick of time...

i made a promise to my favorite customer of the day today.
his name is Zack, and he's great. located in somwhere-i-should-have-known, ohio.
honestly, i'd never heard of the teeny place, but he said it's a big deal!
i promised him to write a blog by 11 p.m. his time, which is in 6 minutes, my time.

you know how some people just make your day? well, he made mine.
he called in because the internet in a hotel was down. and they had no access to the room where the modem was located....
when i hear that in the call, it becomes silent. you can hear crickets in neighboring states.

i can't troubleshoot a modem if you can't access it...

i told him a story of a man who made me reset the modem eight times, before it finally reset.
and then i reset his. it NEVER works remotely...

first try, SUCCESS!
it kept timing out though, so i tried it again and again and again.
and while it kept timing out, we kept talking.

something came up about me needing to lose 15 pounds, but how i'm hot. then i had to prove it, so i referred him to my blog. obviously, i was right. i don't need to lose 15 pounds!

then i found out he wasn't even there!!! he was just calling because he felt bad for them in this teeny little town in Michigan on a Thursday night at 7:30 with nothing better to do than play Happy Aquarium on facebook.

he teased my name. "Your parents honestly named you Jaycie Penny?"
me, "yes."
him, "That's so awesome!"

well, yes. they are super geniuses, in my humble opinion.

just for the record Zack, a mocha frappaccino with toffee nut syrup and the whipped cream mixed in is definitely like Christmas in a cup!

he thought it was weird that i wasn't wearing shoes or socks at work...it's not weird! my piggies just like to be naked!

long story short, and even less time for me to post this, he had the funnest laugh and was by far the best customer to talk to.

oh yes, i also saved the day! after like, 22 resets of the modem, it came back up online!
normally, i reserve being a superhero for Tuesdays and bank holidays.

i just made an exception for him because he had a cute laugh. and that he laughed at my lame jokes in the first place!

a moment.

i remember this one time you were looking at getting a new car.
you looked at tons and tons and finally settled on a Dodge Caliber.
you let me pick the color and everything.
you never bought it, but it was fun to play pretend.
now here i am, four years later, in a Dodge Caliber. i'm thinking about buying a new car.
natrually, it will have to be one we never talked about because i still can't sit in here without thinking of you...

four months, 22 days.

144 days.
3,456 hours.
207,360 minutes.
12,441,600 seconds.

you get it. well...that's how long i've got before i turn 21.

remember this blog?

i wrote it 1 year, 3 months, and 9 days ago. 466 days. let's have a progress report, okay? see how i'm doing thus far.

1. lose 21 pounds. although, if this only ends up being 2.1 pounds, i might be okay with that. 

damn it. i've actually gained a few pounds. so i guess in reality now i need to lose like, 27 pounds.

2. take silly photos in a photobooth with my bff Brandon the very Larsen.

brandon, what do you say??? maybe i'll do these myself. or just with tons of people. this is soooo doable.

3. go fishin'. i've never been fishing, but i've always wanted to!

i don't know any fishermen. well, i know one, but i'm not asking. it would be weird. any volunteers?

4. have a hobo roadtrip and spend a night in the Redwood Forest! check! :)

hmmm. done. i will not be divulging details. suffice it to say, i have done this one.

5. kiss a complete stranger.

i don't know any strangers. i'll work on this one, but i have a feeling it'll require some serious lady balls.

6. eat squab. i don't know what "squab" is, but i'm sooo tryin' it. they talk about it on the Food Network all the time.

i'm still planning on doing this. Handy Manny actually agreed that we can try it next time i go see him.

7. successfully complete p90x. (in the designated 90 days.)

i did p90x for 3 weeks. that's 21 days. i wanted to shoot myself in the face. but since i'm obsessed with infomercials, i found something better. it's called Turbo Fire and it's by the same company. i'll do 90 days of that instead! i'm actually starting that very thing tomorrow. just because i have this silly superstition about starting diet/exercise plans on mondays.

8. be a rebel and get a real tattoo. okay, a real henna tattoo....

i have it planned. just need to execute. it's going to be sooo cute. 

9. buy a cactus and watch that sucker grow. no way is that thing dyin' on my watch! check! :)

hells yeah! Mervin's been in my life since....i was looking for blog, but i never wrote it. Mervin here is the Break-Up cactus. he's been in my life since February, i think. we've got a good 7 months in! we've had a few close calls, but he's thriving!

10. take or be in a picture every day for an entire month. just to remember the days between.

i don't want to do this one...sigh. but i will. i'm pretty sure i've done this in various pictures for Handy Manny, but one can't be sure. the point was to facebook/blog them anyways. i'll work on it.

11. gulp. go on 21 dates...(i have a feeling i'll come to regret this one...) check! :)

i'm nearly positive i've been on at least that many dates in the past year and a half. if i haven't, oh well. not super into dating at the current time, so i'm at peace with this goal.

12. spend the summer of '11 in a far away place...working, adventuring, etc. check! :)

i spent the last four months of 2010 and the first four of 2011 in the slc area. i don't think that counts. but i'm making a big move next spring anyways, to an unknown destination, so we'll take it.

13. volunteer in a soup kitchen.

i should have done this already...shame on me. i donate to food pantries all the time.  i can have half a point. but i still want to do it.

14. find the perfect pair of jeans and buy them without batting an eyelash.

hmmm. this could be argued in either direction. i'm going to vote that i still need to find them.

15. trade in facebook for the self-realization and peace that comes through the practice of zen...this shall occur for just ONE month.

okay, okay. i need to do this. i actually don't think it'll kill me. so maybe i'll start that soon.

16. get a kit and learn how to make balloon animals.

i still want to do this. i need to do it. my mom has a kit. i'm soooo going to ask her if i can borrow it.

17. have an Oscar Meyer Weiner-mobile experience....preferably ride in it, but i'll settle for just a pic.

i actually saw it at the North Logan Wal-Mart, but i forgot to take a pic. i'll find it again, you mark my words.

18. go to the ocean and play with REAL sea stars in the tide pools! (they are my favorite animal of course!)

this should probably just be part of the Price Is Right adventure. 

19. for those of you who are cache valley natives, you'll know what i mean by saying i shall Clean The Sink by myself! check! :)

i didn't do this. and i will not be doing it. it's too much ice cream. i don't even like ice cream that much anymore....

20. ride on a San Francisco trolley while hangin' off the back and singing the Rice-A-Roni theme song....

i want to do this still. not sure when i'll ever be in SanFran, but we'll see. don't hold your breath though.

21. it is my wildest dream to be a contestant on The Price is Right!

i bet i could find tickets and be a birthday princess on the Price is Right on my very 21st birthday...i'm going to look into that! 

all in all, it's not going so good. i'll work on it. for now, i have a mexican food date with my single's ward. adios, amigos!

with my favorite holiday just around the corner...

i've been getting SOOOO excited for Halloween.

it's probably my favorite holiday.

this year, Wallice is going to be a....<drum roll, please!>
ROBOT!!!

and i'm going to be a ballerina princess.

we're very excited. in case you didn't know.

we made sugar cookies last week.
and hauled all of the decorations upstairs so my mom could decorate our house.

'tis the season, my friends...

what did i do all day? easy...

this was google today. 

i probably spent most of my free time today playing with it.

the glasses guy was my favorite...

if you shook the mouse across his head, he would eventually shake it himself and throw his glasses off his head! 

it was this whole proccess of going through them. no one had a trick cooler than his, but they're so fun!

the blue guy, when he looks up he looks like he's looking at the gorgeous sky.

when he looks down he looks very disappointed.

the glasses guy looks up and he looks super duper nervous.

when he looked down he looks like a creepy teacher.

the yellow girl looks happy, then sad.

the dark guy looks bored, then shy.

the green guy looks stupid, then scary.

and the red guy goes from guilt to SUPER guilty.

if you type, they talk. and if you hold down Shift they keep their mouths open and look really savage.

i know, i know. i should have better things to do with my life, and i did, but it completely made my day! 

and that, my friends, is always worth sharing! :)

dreaming big...

i have big dreams.
i want a cute house with a porch swing.
i want a few babies.
i want a lover, best friend, permanent cuddle buddy.

i think i want to be a teacher.
i want to travel all over.
i want to be happy.

how to go about this, i am not sure.
my mom hates it, but i'm probably leaving utah.
it doesn't feel like home anymore and i'm ready to settle in a place, go to school, and start chasing dreams.

i'm doing this the jaycie way, independent of every other opinion.
i will search out places, jobs, schools, programs, locations, and compatibility.

but it's time to get going. everything's resolved here, and i can't find any good reasons to stay.
cross your fingers for me. and better yet, if you find a school with a great education program for a little hippie such as I, let me know.

another explanation.

so, if you've read my blog and stalked my facebook, you may have noticed a slight discrepancy.
that being that i'm engaged to one Taylor Lott and am having a crush on one Handy Manny.
they are not the same person....

so, the story of how i came to be engaged.
i met Taylor Lott in the SUU Book Store. he was looking at the same math book i needed. he had a mustache.
i am OBSESSED with facial hair on guys...not like a full-fledged mountain man beard, but some stubble...oh man...there's nothing sexier.
i complimented the mustache and possibly creeped him out by touching it.
the next day, i noticed him at a Housing BBQ. He was an RA, so I'd be seeing him a lot.
the next day, during check-ins, i took him tacos from Taco Bell.
within a few weeks, we were in love.

it's that best friend kind of love. we've had our fights, our ups and downs, just like everyone else.
thing is, the timing is never right for us. we're never in the same place at the same time.
and we want different things out of life.
but he's that person i could be happy with, if the timing were ever right.

not much of a story, i know. but i'm not feeling it today, for some reason.

it's time i came clean, don't you think?

He's been mentioned a few times anyways. I might as well dedicate a blog.
But i'm stealthy, so I already snuck in things about him several times without making it too obvious.

I don't wanna give away too much, but i figure you, my faithful loves, deserve a little something something.
So, here goes. The story of how I, Jaycie Leishman, have come to have a real crush.

Code Name: Handy Manny (He looks like the cartoon guy on the Disney channel show, shown above.)
Is it embarrassing that it's my favorite cartoon? No matter. I won't change my mind.
Age: doesn't matter.
Weight: also doesn't matter.
Occupation: Super Sexy Important Manager Genius. Also, soldier.
Best feature: I really like his face. But I also like his hands, even though I tease him. Also, it doesn't count as a feature, but his hugs. He just opens his arms and pulls me in.
Location: Slumberland. (Anyone catch the movie reference? It's Little Nemo...weirdest. show. ever. He's asleep, by the way. Or at least should be. He has school in the morning.)

The day we met, I was tired. I had a 6:30 a.m. spin class. I didn't eat beforehand because I was borderline late, and I sure didn't get ready. I was wearing work-out clothes, so i looked pretty cute. But I didn't smell good, at all. And i was soooo grumpy. Long story short, he waltzed into my life. I didn't like him.
According to him, he couldn't have been more obvious about hitting on me.
I don't remember him being obvious at all! Seriously, how hard would, "Jaycie, do you wanna do something tonight?" have been? I digress. Besides, I had a date.
I didn't like him. He teased me to my friend, and so I thought he hated me.
I grilled him about everything, assuming he wasn't good at very many things. He sassed me right back.
The next day, he gathered my information. I looked smokin' hot on this day....I had to redeem myself.

Three days later:
He finally texted me because he couldn't find me on facebook. Well, duh. I'm unsearchable. Gotta keep those stalkers at bay somehow...

I was on my way to a date. It was a weird week, you know? I don't date. Ever. Guys aren't interested in me, so I am very single. He just caught me on a weird week. Two dates in one week??? That never happens...

So I added him. He stalked. I went on my date. We both happened to be online at midnight, when I returned.
We shared youtube links and talked until 3 a.m. We did this a few nights in a row.
Facebook chatting turned into texting, which turned into calling, which turned into video chat. He's far away. It's as close to a good cuddle as I can get. Also, thank you Google Video, for not using all his CPU and thus making our chats possible after Skype failed us.

Then came a nearly-missed flight, Madagascar, kissing, cuddling, a concert, movies, food, fun, mini M&M's, pickle chips, and eskimo make-outs. A few really wonderful days he got to spend basking in my glow.

Long story short, I got to know this guy. He's really so so so great. He makes me laugh every day, but I never make him laugh. I'm not that funny. I'm only funny and cute SOMETIMES, according to him.

He treats me like a princess.
When I'm actually with him, he opens doors, he snuggles me, he kisses my forehead, he TALKS to me, makes sure I'm comfortable, and he keeps me safe.
When we're far apart, he checks in on me all the time, he helps me solve silly puzzles, he teases me, and he makes sure I'm okay all the time. Perfect example: he's gotten sick a couple times. Instead of wallowing in self-pity or complaining or whatever--like i would do--he asks me about my savage killer allergies and how I slept.

He puts everyone first. He's juggling full-time school and work on top of being in the Army and other regular life stuff. Like I told you, he's pretty amazing. I can't seem to juggle my job and sleeping. He gets all of it in and still makes time for me!

Most Awkward jaycie-created moment: We talked a lot before my visit about how I hate kissing. I was terrified that I'd be bad at it because no one ever told me I was good at it. I just had all these irrational fears.
So, while I was with him, we watched Madagascar so I could calm down, and then we played zombies for a bit, which gave me some serious anxiety.
Out of nowhere, "I'm just terrified of kissing!" burst out of my lips.
From that point, I spent FORTY-FIVE minutes talking myself into it. At one point, he kissed me. I didn't even kind of return the kiss. I was too scared. He responded to that with, "If you don't want to kiss me, I'm not going to pressure you into it. Kiss me whenever you're ready."

No pressure, right? Wrong. I freaked out more.

He was soooo cute about it though. Thirty minutes in, I made him chew Stride Mystery gum with me, just so we'd taste good so I wouldn't have to worry about bad breath. I put on chapstick so my lips wouldn't be dry. I got so close, and then I'd pull away very last second. I just couldn't force myself to do it!
Finally, he got sick of that and said something like fine, "I knew you weren't going to kiss me."
I explained that I wanted to, I was just scared, and then I asked him to teach me how to kiss him.
He finally did, after telling me to close my eyes a hundred times. Yes, I kept peeking because he took forever!
Long story short, it was great. He told me I'm a fantastic kisser. Duh. Like there was ever any doubt! ;)

And so that is the really story of why I have a crush on Handy Manny. Hopefully it was worth the wait, my loves.

grateful.

today was a very long day. well...it was great until 3:30, when the last of my bffs left work.
from 3:30 to 8:00 i have to find ways to entertain myself on saturdays.

i read magazines and books.
i go through all of the slideshows on xfinity.comcast.net, as it's the only site i'm allowed to visit.
i play with silly putty.
i color in coloring books.
i cuddle up in my blankie and watch movies after begging my superiors to change the channels for me.
i eat mini m&m's. chips. donuts. gum. drink water.
i paint my fingernails.
i write in my pretend journal.
and i take customer calls, aka i do my job.

it sounds like enough to keep a person occupied, but it's not. i get so lonely and bored.
it's funny how that works. when everyone is around on any day besides saturday i curse their existence and wish for them to leave. but on a lonely saturday, all i want is someone to join me.

but at least i have a job.
and in times like these, i remember all the great things i have.
like wallice.
glowy stars.
his cute texts randomly during the day, even though he's busy.
blankies that keep me warm in the freezing place.
my cute mom. <insert rest of family here.>
i have everything i need.
and most of the things i want.
i'm healthy.
i'm a survivor.
i'm a lover.
and i'm me.

it's only 3 1/2 more months. i can totally do this.

i'm seriously gonna have to slit my wrists....

current time: 5:23 a.m.
my lovely sister, Jordan, just climbed in the shower to start her day.


we're going to Quentin Tarantino this crap, okay? that's code for, "let's go back in time and figure out what's brought us to this, the breaking point."


(p.s. if you read this, Jordan, in two years when you're embarking on your senior year of high school i'm just going to die laughing when you roll out of bed with only enough time to pull on sweats, brush your teeth, and make it to school, ice cream in hand for breakfast, eight seconds before the tardy bell.it's just how giving up goes. you'll understand soon enough, my young padawan.)


4:34 a.m.
startled awake. it was probably a combo of my desperate need to pee as well as my inability to breathe...
turned on my phone, saw a text from my bff Kady that i'll reply to in a couple hours, then hopped off the bed to take care of business.


4:36 a.m.
climbed back in bed, after peeing. still couldn't breathe, but then again, when can i these days?


4:39 a.m.
facebook notifications are received to my phone. now that i know they're there, i can't go back to sleep until i check them out.


4:44 a.m.
sit up in bed. i really, really can't breathe. grab some kleenex out of my orange monster box and attempt to blow my brains out through my nose. unsuccessful. of course. huge success: throwing the used tissue and scoring a basket from my bed. update facebook status. hurry!!! this is big news, yo...


4:52 a.m.
still just can't breathe. begin contemplating all the ways to cut off my nose without spiting my face, only to realize my eyes are going savage. but, so are my ears and throat. surely, i can't remove all those parts. i'm not a doctor, but i imagine they're fairly important.


4:53 a.m.
climb out of bed, find a shirt, and contemplate looking for pants. why bother? it's not like anyone else is awake...leave the safety of my warm little room, and go upstairs.


4:54 a.m. accident on the stairs. they're hard wood, it's dark. i crash and hit my knee, but caught myself on my hands. curse my parents for deciding hardwood stairs were really not that great of an idea...


4:55 a.m.
nasal spray has been sprayed. nasal decongestant pill is being swallowed. i gagged a little. i really don't like swallowing pills.


4:57 a.m.
i barely make it back to my room alive, after battling the dinosaurs in the hallway.
my nose is protesting, which is great news.


4:59 a.m.
after i couldn't hold it any longer, i finally blew my brains out my nose. it always, 100% of the time feels amazing. because eventually, at the end of this process, i will probably/hopefully be able to breathe.


5:03 a.m.
i still can't breathe and my eyes are screaming swear words. with dread, i climb out of bed and embark on the journey to my car. the weather man said it would get down to 48°, but of course he lied. the SECOND i step outside, goosebumps appear on all limbs, my toes go numb, and involuntary shivers travel the course of my body.


5:06 a.m. 
i have finally located my eye drops and allergy pills. run inside, pop a couple allergy pills. the specific number? well...who can say? i consume them pretty much like i consume popcorn or mini m&m's these days.


5:08 a.m.
i've been holding my eye drops for a few minutes. hopefully they don't freeze my eyes when i drop the liquid gold in there.


5:09 a.m. 
more involuntary shivers. it was wishful thinking to hope the eye drops would be warm enough...they're FREEZING. it's death, putting cold eye drops in.


5:11 a.m.
bed. finally. my warm, sweet bed. i never want to leave you again...what? i'm not tired anymore? there's not a chance i'm going back to sleep? <i may have shed some literal tears here. don't judge me....i'm miserable.>


5:13 a.m.
i realized i have done all these things without turning on a light. my 'yes, i am seven years old and i have glowy stars on my ceiling' stars are glowing...you know what this means?!?! six hours later and they still give light. i can admire that.


5:17 a.m.
hey, i can mostly breathe. sleep time. finally.


5:20 a.m.
jordan's justin beiber alarm. it rang only for 3.7 seconds, but this means i'm not sleeping any time soon. i can sleep through ANYTHING. i cannot, however, fall asleep to the sounds of someone getting ready. <i'll admit these tears. now i want to jump off a cliff.>


5:23 a.m. 
laptop has been located. eyes have adjusted. i just finished watching this gem:

i know i posted it two days ago. it just gets more hilarious every time i watch it, especially considering i took allergy pills 17 minutes ago. on an empty stomach they work faster, and by this point i can sympathize with David because i'm feeling and acting just like him...I'm screaming a little, asking, "Is this gonna be forever?!" in despair, and thinking David's dad is kind of an idiot.


side note: when David's like, "I can't see anything..." and his dad says, "Yes, you can!" I always want to slit his throat. seriously, David's dad?! seriously? you don't know...you're not the one hopped up on whatever those savages injected David with....




5:23 a.m. to 5:58 a.m.
write/perfect this blog. blow my nose six million times. wonder how the heck Jordan can stand this kind of music before 6 a.m.


5:59 a.m.
i am soooo dizzy. i have pillows propping literally every single part of my body, but i feel like i might fall off them any second, so i'm also on edge.


6:00 a.m.
shivers. i'm really cold. this really sucks. i can't sleep through Jordan, so i'll wait for her to leave in an hour and ten minutes. perhaps by then i'll still be able to breathe. maybe my eyes will stop itching savagely for a few minutes so i can have a nap.


i am riding my bike today. seriously...allergies are NOT stopping me or running my life today. absolutely not.


also, i know i ask always, but i seriously need any/all input. HOW DO YOU GET RID OF YOUR ALLERGIES?!?! there is literally no price i won't pay right now.


i know we've discussed shots and acupuncture. i want to know prices, timelines of how quickly you recovered, etc. something's gotta give. i seriously might not make it through another night like this...breathing is important, you know.


6:03 a.m.
Jordan is drying her hair. the blow dryer is giving me some serious anxiety.
i need to go bury my head in a hole. peace out, yo.
FIX ME, PLEASE!!! Please, help me! I'M BEGGING YOU. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!


6:07 a.m.
is this gonna be forever?! <legit crying. i am so tired. and so miserable.>

rubber meets road.

tomorrow.
seven a.m.
or eight. or nine. or ten. or eleven. depending on when i rip my butt out of bed.


my bike. me. we're falling back in love.
i have the day off with absolutely nothing on the agenda.

i figure there's no better way to spend the day!
start with a huge breakfast so i have calories to put to use.
and then ride, ride, ride.

also, today i was at a doctor's office and remembered i really love kids.
so perhaps....elementary school teacher?

it's four a.m. and i have to be up soon...

so...why am i awake???

well, there are a million things on my mind. how about a list? we like lists! ESPECIALLY AT FOUR A.M.! 

madagascar. 

stride mystery gum.

minty chapstick in a black tube.

cupcake lotion.

jeggings.

breakfast burritos.

cudding.

music.

me coming on way too strong.

me being impatient.

me being a little scared of change.

soft, smooth, shaved legs.

me also being a little scared of feelings. mine and anti-mine. yes, both of those.

gasoline.

teddy bears.

my sad bank account. bills suck. friday will be great.

my lonely bike out in the cold.

handy manny. (he's a cartoon on disney, if you didn't know.)

messy hair/bobby pins.

i probably don't want to shower tomorrow.

toy story aliens.

cute undies.

pickle chips.

kat. amos. bear lake. dancing. life-saving porta potties. cold water. olive garden.

i'm craving salad. and ramen noodles.

tickets of all kinds. 

allergies.

this is how i feel within an hour of taking my allergy meds.

yes. i do go that crazy.

maybe i took some today. maybe i didn't. i'll never tell.

mini m&m's. i want some.

caught up on burn notice...three days, then the end of the summer season. i'll cry a little.

if i were going to break a heart, i'd do it like a band-aid. just a clean, fast rip. to get it over with.

i wouldn't wait. i wouldn't do it slowly. i imagine/hope most people are like that.

one second rant, okay?

i know i'm young. but that doesn't mean i'm incapable of making decisions. if i want to get married, i'll get married. if i want to be single forever, i'll be single forever. it doesn't matter if you ask me if i have a boyfriend or when i'm getting married. that sure as hell won't rush me into anything faster, so give it a rest. i'll do that crap on my own timescale, capeshe? 

in addition to that, i will decide if/when/where i go in my life. it isn't based on any particular person or place. the ONLY reason i haven't settled down anywhere is because i haven't found anything/anyone to tie me to one place. if that were to happen, i'd settle down easy squeezy. if i say i'm in, i'm really in. i don't get attached to things for my own sake. but once it happens, i'm in for life. and if not for life...then until it's completely impossible to be attached anymore. i don't take stuff like that lightly.

it's not that i have a fear of commitment or that i can't commit. it's that i hadn't found anyone/anything i wanted to commit to. like i said, i'll do that on my own. obviously there are two sides to that. good thing i'm tough, just in case certain people/places don't work.

i'm very brave. like a lion. 

dandelions are my favorite flowers.

i have to be up soon, you know? so i can take my Mama Pam and Porter to slc because she's really afraid of freeway driving and i'm kind of a ninja. 

also, in case you didn't know, i'm brilliant.

i had a fortune cookie last week that said, 

"your personality is great--share it proudly--don't debate."

i sure won't apologize for being me, so i suppose it'll be easiest if you embrace that.

i'll raise a glass to that.

relax...just a glass of water.

let's play musical chairs.

warning: the following blog comes directly from my little heart. these thoughts aren't edited. and i probably didn't think this through all the way. sorry...my mind's been on other things.

this is a clip from the concert i went to in Denver earlier this week. it's my absolute favorite song.
(it just kinda cuts off at the end, but whatevs. you get the idea.)

it's one of those weird nights...the kind that only follow weird days.
you see, i have this dilemma.

it's the, "Do I say what I'm thinking and risk ruining everything or do I keep my mouth shut and see where the pieces fall?" kind of thing i so often find myself in the middle of.

do i tell him i want him? that i can't stop thinking about him? that against my better judgement i'm already falling head over heels? or do i wait for him to make a move? do i tell him every touch sends a shiver through my body, that the memory of his kiss erases every other thought in my head?
do i mention that every single mile of my flight home made my heart sink a little more? driving into Cache Valley, the place that used to be home, didn't make me smile at all just because he isn't here and it doesn't feel like home anymore.
everything about him is everything i thought i'd never want in a million years. but on him, it's adorable and makes me want him more. it's all completely endearing, letting me see sides of him i would have missed otherwise. sides that make him who he is. sides that i kind of love. and i'm soooo glad i got to meet this incredible guy. because of him, the things i want out of life have completely changed.

it wasn't like i planned this. i didn't want it at all. my life was less complicated before he walked into it...
and yet, i don't want it to go back to the way it was. because it's been a little brighter, a little more exciting with him in it.
but if i tell him those things, is he going to think i'm a psycho? will he run for the hills because i'm coming on too strong?
it's not that i want a proposal. or a commitment. or anything, really. i know it's going to be hard making it work. we're different. but as far as i can see, we want the same things. we're going in approximately the same direction. he makes me want to be better.

for the first time in my life, i actually want to see it through. i'm willing to risk my heart on this one, because i don't think he'd intentionally break it into pieces. instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, i'm thinking i'll just take off the damn shoes and jump in.

only...is he going to be there to catch me? or am i about to split my heart open when i crash at the bottom?