peach iced tea...

is my favorite beverage this week.

diet coke with lemon doesn't come close.

if you take the garbage out barefoot, the smokin' neighbors will pause from taking a drag from their cigarettes in order to catcall. ew.

if you pour smoke-smell getter-outer down the vents, it will kind of work.

how many days can you go without showering? unknown. and i might just be wanting to find out...

i'm not an alcoholic. but there's something for me in the AA meetings as an addict of a different variety. all i know, is that sitting in a smoke filled room, surrounded by people at least ten or fifteen years my senior, i felt acceptance for the first time in a long time. i felt a little hope. a little heartbreak. and beyond honored to sit and hear stories of people like me, people who are simply trying. 

 

i'm missing Elder Mitchell Brown. he's in canada on a mission. i should probably send the kid a letter. we spent a lot of time making artwork, he and i.

church with James, my bestest, was definitely good for my soul yesterday. even though the tomato basil ravioli should not have been mixed with cream of potato at the linger-longer.

there is nothing sexier than a teddy bear in a sweater vest. 

i know, sometimes you get carried away with how deep i am, how wise, how inspired. and then i talk about my Wallice bear and you're reminded that i'm six. it's whate'er. 

thoughts of the day.

who freakin' breaks into cars? stealing is the one thing i never really understood.
granted, it's like a given that i'm going to steal my sister's clothes and make-up and jewelry.
and dishes from my mom.
and tools from my dad.
but to break into someone's vehicle? it's just low...
and yet, perhaps the person who broke into my car was poor and needed to feed their baby.
how could i be mad then?

i'm disappointed.
i stalked out my brother on facebook and noticed he's friends with several people who tormented me in high school and that entire time period of my life when i was just not okay.
i don't understand the shallowness there. of them. and of everyone in general.
do people really fear getting involved so much that they'll befriend each other and do nothing deeper than party, eat together, watch movies, and practice making babies.
they don't talk. they just absorb themselves in the shallow things that don't mean a thing.
so i'm disappointed. and hoping that i'm nothing like them, knowing that i probably am.

i'm feeling hurt and betrayed.
i had a few of my closest, most dear friends walk away the past couple weeks.
i realize i said things that caused this. yet...in the deepest part of my soul, i would not have walked away from someone like me. whether it killed me or not, i would have stuck around, trying to encourage, to help, to lift them.
it hurts to know that i chose to associate myself with people who wouldn't go to hell and back for me over and over again. they chose judgements and "tough love" as the way to approach me.
does that work? obviously it does not. want some proof? look at me.
both friends who walked away made the point that trying to help me would never work because i didn't want help. i'll be honest. i didn't. but i didn't ask them to help me either....the question, "how do i fix my life?" never meant, "Please fix my life."
how that was misunderstood, i do not know.

you know in Titanic, after they get rescued and everything? and Rose is standing there. it's like sixteen seconds before she finds the diamond in her pocket. and she just looks frozen and heartbroken?
i feel like that's probably how i look. but unlike Hollywood, it doesn't look that great on me.

i am the definition of cynic. there is perhaps, 2% of my heart that hopes for things.
yet, i don't ever let that 2% have a say in what goes on. the few times i've hoped for things, like REALLY hoped for things, they didn't go well for me.
so i don't hope for things anymore. it's like admitting that i want something.
and when that doesn't work out, i'm always crushed.
it's easier to expect the worse. that way i'm never disappointed.

i don't have plans. and i don't know what i want or where i'm going.
it's complicated. that's all there is too it.

other things on my mind today:
i'm the common denominator. so i guess that makes me the obviously problem.
there's a spot on my back that's been hurting and getting worse.
i've been overly tired and just having that, "I can't pinpoint it, but something is wrong with me."
Tiernan, my little brother absolutely rocks at singing and dancing. his play was amazing. i'll write about that later. because it deserves its own blog.
i would like new shoes. and considerate roommates.
i don't feel like i belong anywhere right now. i have people who love and accept me, no matter what. just nothing feels right.
i just want life to be less complicated.
i want to feel safe.
and like i'm not an alien.

anyways, i'm sorry to be so confusing and down and sad and stuff. it's just where i'm at today. and i guess in that regard, where i'm at a lot of days.

dinner for one wednesday...

it's wednesday....not exactly sure where i lost tuesday, but it definitely went missing.

i'm not complaining though.

remember how rockin' monday was?

it was only fitting that it be followed by a long, forgotten tuesday.

and a very wretched wednesday.

i finally had The Breakdown though, which i suppose is okay.

i have this pattern i go through.

i'm okay for a few weeks.

or even a few months.

and nothing really gets me down.

and all the bad things that happen pile up.

and i acknowledge them a little, but i just shrug them off and i'm okay.

but then, eventually, there is a meltdown.

all of the little things turn into a big monster. and we don't get along.

today it was triggered by a to-do list at work that seemed next to impossible.

of course, it was possible. i just had to work late in order to get it all done.

i'm not sure why i was in such a rush to leave. no one besides Loneliness waits for me at home.

i really don't mean to sound cynical and sad.

since deciding i wanted more in life than cheap sex and a Godless life,

my prospects have disappeared.

i suppose it's okay to be alone, if it means you're being good.
i'm just lonely and wishin' i had a friend.

brownies are good and all, but it would be so much sweeter to share...

things that made my Monday the best ever...

well, first of all. look my blog. it's adorable.

so of course my day rocked.

and i was on time to work. and my make-up was done.

i ate brownie-cookies for breakfast.

i remembered to pull the glass of milk off the top of my car before i drove away.

i have mint lip balm.

and a shimmery kind too.

i got a Victoria Secret PINK lanyard free from work.

it would have cost $7.00 had i gotten it from the store.

i talked to James, my bestest on my way home from work.

he really loves me.

and spinning with Crazy Tammie on saturday?

it's soooo on! i can't wait!

my house is clean.

even my room, a little bit.

my birthday flowers bloomed.

a tall, red hair boy came over.

he hung my twinkly lights.

and stole a couple kisses.

but it ended there.

we were very good. 

even though we both wanted to be very bad. 

was Wallice jealous of him? yes, a little.

and in other news, the first fifteen minutes of the pilot to Burn Notice was good.

quote of the night, "that butt...."

none of this was part of the plan...

i like it anyways.

"it's only a kindergarten kind of crush..."

caution: though deeply inspired, profanities were used.

i went to church today.
like i do on most sundays.
only today, i actually went.


i didn't go to scope out hot men.
i didn't go to waste time.
i didn't go for free food afterwards.


i went to see how it would go.
not well, apparently.


relief society was first. i hate relief society.
but the lesson was actually really good.
it was about resisting temptations and being the best you possible.
definitely a lesson i could learn a few things from.


halfway through the lesson the Spirit whispered in my ear,
"Pay attention, Miss Jaycie. it's time for you to get your act together."
to which, i replied, "why bother?"
no answer.


so after the lesson, they had a little meeting with the new members, of which i am one.
so i went. and instantly noticed a few men i'd like to hit on a little.
to which, the Spirit whispered, "Don't bother...you won't have time for a man."
me: "um, what?! i always have time for men. what could i possibly be doing instead of dating?"
no answer.


after the New Member meeting where i put down a deposit on a new ward, i skipped up the stairs to sacrament, where i plopped it down next to a cute new boy who was in the other meeting.
jaycie: "I'll sit by you since we're both new and it sucks to sit alone."
him, smiling, "awesome. it's always a pleasure to sit with a pretty girl."
me, smirking, "well it's my pleasure to grace you with my presence."


sacrament gets underway. this is where things got a little out of hand.
the meeting was focused around Miss Kali, who is going on a mission to Somewhere, Chile.
missionary work. i was about to get up and leave because missionary work surely does not apply to me, when the Spirit whispered, "Oh no you don't. You need to hear this."
me: "Fine! i'll stay."


as the meeting got underway, i decided to argue a little.
me to the Spirit. "why do i need to stay? i'm not going on a mission."
Spirit. " ....are you sure about that?"
me: "um, yes. i've done a lot of bad things just so i wouldn't have to go."
Spirit: "like what?"
me: "i know you already know what i've been up to."
Spirit: "humor me anyway."
me: "fine. i've been breaking the word of wisdom. i drank awhile ago with some friends. and mocha frappuccinos with toffee from Starbucks might rival popcorn on my favorite foods list."
Spirit: "those don't sound so bad. what else?"
me: "you already know there isn't much i haven't done."
Spirit: "remind me."
me: "i had sex with a few guys. in the course of just the last ten months. a whole bunch of times. that should definitely disqualify me, shouldn't it?"
Spirit: "why did you do it?"
me: "so i wouldn't have to go on a mission. you know that."


at this point, i picked up a pen, a hymn book, and the ward bulletin so i could doodle.


Spirit: "why don't you want to go on a mission?"
me: "it doesn't matter. i can't go. in addition to loving coffee and being a harlot, i also have a car payment, student loans out the ass, and a cell phone contract. i have a big girl job. friends. family i'm pretty committed to a whole bunch of things. i can't just leave for a year and a half!"
Spirit: "your phone contract ends December 28th. that's plenty of time before a mission."
me: "okay. that was the least of my worries. i still have student loans. a car payment. a job. a lease."


i had just won my third round of tic-tac-toe against myself . i was starting to run out of space left for doodles.


Spirit: "you can sell your car before you leave. you have a job that should make it very easy to completely pay off your student loans in a year. you could quit your job. your lease will be up in July."
me: "....shit, shit shit. i can't do this!"


the pen fell. i didn't pick it back up. 


Spirit: "look, you don't have to go. you can stay here, marry a loser and have mediocre children. you might be happy that way, you might not. and if you decide to turn your life around and get serious about changing, it will be hard. really hard. BUT it will be 100 times more worth it than staying where you are right now. and who knows? you might not even end up on a mission. some other incredible opportunity might come up instead. but if you don't pull your head out, you're going to miss it all."
me: "okay, but haven't i disqualified a mission? i really have been kind of a slut."
Spirit: "you already know the answer to that one. it's the same one the Adulterous Woman in the Midst was given. Go, and sin no more."
me: "i'm not sure i can..." 
Spirit: "i think you can. you'll figure it out."


i almost started bawling at this point. 


Dear Heavenly Father,
please stop complicating my life. okay, that's mostly my own doing. sorry. i don't like to think it's all my fault, which it completely is. but maybe please stop giving me challenges that i'm sure to fail. 


i don't want to go on a mission. i know it will be really hard. and i might mess up, big time. i think you give me way too much credit on some things. i'm not strong. i'm not good at loving people. i'm not good at waking up early. i'm not good at being in a good mood every day. and i've messed up a whole lot, in ways that i shouldn't have.


but i'll fix it. i'll turn things around. if you say i'll be alright, i'll trust in you. i'll put my hand in yours, and i'll follow you into the light. i won't ask questions. just please don't be mad at me when i make mistakes. i'm not perfect, maybe the furthest from it that i've ever been. 


i'll prepare myself for whatever you have planned for me. i will try my hardest to be what you want me to be.
i always mess up though, so you'll have to be really patient with me. and i can't make any promises that i won't still say bad words, even when i'm really good. i'll try, but that's the one thing i was never really good at giving up anyways. i think you kind of love that about me though. and even though you love them too, i'm not going to be a Mormon like everyone else. if i'm doing this, it's got to be my own way. within reason, of course.


just catch me when i fall, okay? keep me safe. and find someone awesome to love me someday. i hope you know none of this was part of the plan. i don't even have a plan anymore, and that's really scary. and probably part of the reason why i've screwed up everything else.


also, if you have any special people you could send to be my friend and help me work this mess out, please send them. i promise to be nice and help them out on their journey too.


with love and a whole lot of nervousness, but trying to trust you anways,
Miss Jaycie Leishman




eff. now what have i gotten myself into?