a flashback...

so, i found this little gem today...
Click here.

this is a letter i wrote almost two years ago to my FEC.
future eternal companion is what that stands for.

i wrote it before i met the man of my dreams.
he wasn't even a thought on my mind, just a dream for the future.

he came into my life 7 and a half months later.
it was a silly little line that started it all.
"now you can say you pounded a hot girl."
(sometimes i say things that are really inappropriate. get over it.)

we had a crazy year.
and then we said good-bye.
a couple months later, we took back good-bye and started a new adventure.
now we're in love.

i miss my Andrew something fierce.
(Handy Manny, as you might know him.)
there's nothing worse in the entire world than knowing that he's mine and that i still can't have him.
this long-distance thing is the pits...

but i'll be in his arms in five short days.
tomorrow when i wake up, it will just be four.
it seems do-able, though i know i'm not going to want to get on the plane to come back.

he's become my world and all my dreams.
life without him is a life i can't consider anymore.
i love him clear to the depths of my heart. i hope he knows it.
i love him when he's happy. and when he's sad. when he's grumpy, and when he's a tease.
i just love him.

so, when i re-read that letter today, i just had to smile.
i wrote it before we even met, but it feels like even then, it was him.
and maybe it's always been him. i sure hope that it always will be...
so, Andrew, you can't take it back...you already said yes.

and, if you're a bird, i'm a bird.
i love you, Mr. Self...see you next week! :)

jumping in.

so, Handy Manny is my man. it's official.
like facebook official, which is how you know it's legit! ;)
it absolutely sucks that he's 9 hours away.
i wish he were closer to hold me. i wish i could cook for him.
we skype all the time so we aren't missing too many details.
it's not the same as being with him, but at least i get to see him.

i'm taking a trip to see him in a few weeks.
he's graduating, which is such a huge accomplishment.
i couldn't be more proud of him.
if anyone has graduation gift ideas that are super cheap, holla at your girl!
with Christmas in a month, i'm definitely thinking thrifty!
not to mention getting him something for Christmas.

Handy Manny, if you're reading this, do me a favor and don't graduate in December ever again! :)
also, i'm going to cheese it completely and just say i think you're the cutest.
right now, you're gaming with some buddies. completely geeking it out, and i can't stop smiling and just wishing i were there to fall asleep on you after losing interest in a game i probably won't ever be able to play.
a year of not seeing you when you deploy is going to be rough. good thing you're worth it! :)

in other news,
it's almost 2 a.m. i'm NEVER up this late, which probably explains the goofy, unorganized post.
i'm home all alone this weekend, but i'm working a ton at ColdStone. it is my favorite place, but i'm not young like i used to be. LOL!!!! that is such a joke, but i really feel like i'm struggling.
apparently taking most of the year off was bad for my muscles.

i'm super craving a glass of milk.
and indian food. which, i'm making with James, Mandy, and Jordan on Monday.
Mandy's leaving us for the SLC, so we're having one last dinner.
well, it better not be the last! it's just the last one that will be easy to plan.

As of Monday, I'll be working all three jobs like a mad woman, so cross your fingers i can make it through a couple months of crazy. i always seem to do fine, but when you add the three jobs to the other things i'm working around like the chiropractor, donating plasma, and trying to squeeze in trips to the gym, it might get a little crazy.

anyone have a blog post idea for me? i've been running low on thoughts and my life is boring as of late. just taking it all one day of time, being happy to have Handy Manny back in my life, for real this time, and enjoying the small things before it's time to sweat the larger ones.
all in good time, right?
at the beginning of the year, i'll worry about getting ready for school.
for now, i'm going to love on my family and my man.
i'm going to enjoy the holidays.
and try to lose the pounds i've gained since i've been home.
not an easy feat, i imagine, as it's now the holiday season of fatty pandas...

the quirk...

i am the jumpiest human of all time.
no kidding.
today at work, SIX PEOPLE made me almost jump outta my skin...

they all laugh. hysterically.
i smile a little and go back to my desk to nurse my high blood pressure.
it's probably not okay.

my neck is ticklish. but not like ticklish like, run your fingers over it and i'll giggle sweetly.
no, no, no. that would be fine.
it's like, if you poke it my whole body has a spaz attack.
gentle pokes, harder pokes. just pokes.
and if there are crinkly noises around my neck, same thing...it's involuntary. i swear.

i painted my nails tonight because i was sad and needed cuddling.
next best thing, right? they're smokin' hot. lol. that's the shade. it's essie. my one true love.
i spend fortunes on nail polish. i won't apologize.

speaking of apologizing, listen to this. it rocks the socks off the original!
i listen to it on repeat at work. it makes me hate my dumb job a little less.

oh, life.

my back is back to bad.
it hasn't been this bad in....months?
definitely time to see my favorite human, the chiropractor.
i could also use a massage, but who has the time?

i've spent the entire weekend at home, which has been good.
i don't relax enough, so it was good to slow it all down and regroup.
i painted my nails.
i baked.
i read books. which i love to do. and will absolutely be making more time for.
i did yoga.
i went to a spin class.
i had time to set my priorities.

that being said, i'm such a mess.
everything about me is a contradiction to something else about me.
i'm completely unsure of what to do with my life.
i know i'm going to school here at USU.
spring semester or wait until fall? who knows.
no, i'm not talking about the where to go choices.

i mean the things that make me a good person. the things that determine how my life ends up.
do i continue to be a good mormon, even though there are things i don't agree with, things that don't make sense, and that make me not want to be a good mormon? or do i overlook those things, find a nice boy to settle down with, and live happily ever after as a relief society president soccer mom? it sounds okay to me.

right now i'm torn.
i really like being bad. sinning is obviously something i'm familiar with.
being good kinda sucks. it doesn't make me any happier, as far as i can tell, however, it is a little bit more in line with how i want my life to go.
but, yeah. i don't know.
doesn't help when people are so quick to judge me. like they don't have skeletons in their own closets...
do i sound a little bitter there? oh, that would be because i am.
there's nothing more i hate than being treated like less of a person because i've made mistakes. don't pull your holier-than-thou attitude with me...it really just makes you seem scared that perhaps i actually am happy, that perhaps it would be okay to live life in a way that you deem sinful, heaven forbid.

probably isn't even appropriate to post this blog, as it's just a view into my crazy mixed up brain.
until i figure it out, i will attend church. i will be the poster child of a good little LDS girl.
i'm just saying, maybe this isn't the only way to be happy...

ugh. my back really hurts.
and that's probably why i'm such a basket case...
i don't deal with agony very well.

so here's the thing...

first things first, i'm a grown up. i've lived alone. taken care of myself, and i feel i've proven that i can make choices for myself and live with the consequences, no matter what they may be.

that being said, let me explain my reasoning behind allowing Handy Manny back into my life.
this requires a little backtracking...

when we met, i started flying out there. he came out here once.
he made it very clear he didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else from the time we started talking.

he told me even before i moved to Denver that we weren't going to be together.

he told me not to move to denver for him.
i assured him that i wasn't.

he told me not to fall for him.
i assured him that i wouldn't. i also told him he shouldn't fall for me either.

i moved to denver. and we got really close.
he kept saying he didn't want a relationship with me, that i should date other people.
he dated other people. so did i, but i still hoped we'd be together.

i never told him how i felt. i never told him that i was moving to Denver because i wanted to be with him. i never told him that i wanted a relationship with him, that i was falling in love with him.
i told everyone else, but never him.
and i didn't tell him because i didn't think it would have made a difference.
who knows now if it would have? there's no point to speculating over what might have been.

aside from the part where i was in love with him, we were best friends. we told each other everything. we called each other out on issues, we talked through things, and we made each other better people.

there was also the physical benefit of having someone else around. being lonely sucks, and when we were together, we definitely took advantage of having a person around to kiss and cuddle.
the physical aspect of our relationship was NEVER what our friendship was based on. it was only ever a perk. and anyone who doubts this on any level needs to think about it logically. he was in Denver, i was in Utah. that makes for a pretty expensive friend with benefits, doesn't it?
if he had wanted a friend with benefits, i am confident he would have found someone in Denver.
and anyone who thinks that's the only reason he's back in my life can think again. if i were still in Denver, i'd see how one could reason that it was for physical reasons. but i'm back in utah, which makes me a pretty expensive friend who's only good for benefits...

our friendship has never been--and will never be--that shallow.

then he met a girl that he liked, could see himself being with, someone he would fall for.
and i was crushed because i had been choosing to see his actions as a show of his intentions, when he'd been telling me all along that he didn't want to be with me.
i became a crazy monster because of it.

i did everything in my power to keep them apart.
i talked to her about things that were wrong with him.
things that would make her doubt him.
i pointed out her flaws to him, in the hopes he'd realize i was a better fit for him than she was.

at the end, he told me he had to try things with her.
he told me he could see how great i was, and that on some level, he thought i was right. but he had to try things with her because if he didn't, he would always regret that and always wonder how things would have gone if he'd tried that.

i loved him. i was in love with him. and i was devastated by that, because i could see that she wasn't good for him, and that i could be better for him than she was.

i knew if he chose me he'd always wonder how things would have gone with her,
and that would have killed me. it would have always made me question whether he actually wanted to be with me or if he was just with me because i'd made him choose me.

when we stopped talking, that was because of me.
i had made choices during the course of our friendship that i knew would crush him.
i had lied and kept those things from him because i was terrified of losing him.

looking back at it now, i see a huge error with my own actions. i never told him how i felt.
i was always afraid that i'd lose him. that's not a healthy way to approach any relationship...

i now, more than ever, understand what i want from a relationship.
i want someone i can be my silly little self with.
i want someone i can love fully, and who i'm not afraid to share those feelings with.
i want someone who wants me, every little bit of me.
i want someone i can be honest with, someone i can tell everything to, never having to worry about the reaction.

so, at the end, i was honest with him. i told him everything i'd done to hurt him.
and i was right. he was crushed. and he stopped talking to me, as i knew he would do.
i told him those things with the intention of breaking my own heart.
i knew he would stop talking to me, which was what i wanted because he was trying to keep me in his life as a friend.

i couldn't be "just friends" with him.
not while he was dating someone else and i was in love with him.
so, i broke my heart so i wouldn't have to try to figure out a way to get over him while staying in his life.

it was messy, because of me.

and, i was a mess after it ended. i cried for weeks. i couldn't eat. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't breathe.
but i lived. i moved on, assuming that there wouldn't ever be any closure.

two months later, i made the decision to move home to go to school.
i didn't make that decision because of him.
i made that decision because it was, and still is, what's best for me.

when he called me last week, he told me he couldn't get me off his mind, that he was miserable.
he'd ended things with the girl he'd lost me over.
and he missed me. he wasn't mad at me anymore over how things had ended.
we talked through things and left it at that. neither of us really had any idea how we wanted things to play out, and we made no promise that we'd talk again.

the next day we talked again. he asked me questions he needed to ask.
questions i answered honestly, because he deserved the truth. and because i had nothing to lose.
i asked him questions too, questions he answered honestly.

we talked the next day. and the next.
and things have come out in that time that make me really think things might go differently this time around.
he's told me very plainly what his intentions are.
he's going to try to date me, to see where a real relationship with me could go, as more than just friends.

i've told him i plan on getting married, that if this goes somewhere, i want a commitment. a serious commitment.
i've told him i'm not moving back to Denver. i moved home to go to school, and i'm not going anywhere until i have a degree.

for the first time ever, i've been completely honest with him.
he was always completely honest with me.

and this time around, having gone through the heartbreak of losing him before, i now know what i need to do to be the kind of person he deserves and who i deserve to be. i am happy with myself, which means i could be happy with him. my happiness will never again depend on him or anyone else, and i can now be truthful with him, even if that means i'll lose him again.

so, to everyone who's worried about this, who thinks i'm stupid for giving him another chance, don't.
i'm a big girl. i have thought this through, and in some ways i'm still thinking it through.
i know it won't be easy.
both he and i have things to work through so we'll be able to trust each other again.
we both understand that we were hurt by each other, and that it'll take a little while to get over that.

but, we both also know that we really missed each other during the time we weren't speaking.
there's got to be some reason why he couldn't get me off his mind.
and i'm sure there's a reason why i feel peace over this, why i'm not afraid of him hurting me.

we're going to take it really slow.
and we're just going to see where it could go.

and...if people can't deal with that...tough. i'm a big girl. and i can make big girl decisions.
i would just hope everyone in my life who wants the best for me could look past what happened then, and give him a second chance like i am. i understand that people want what's best for me, and don't want to see me make the same mistake.

i don't feel like i am. i truly feel like he's changed and is changing for the better.
the Handy Manny who broke my heart two months ago was a selfish human, one who didn't want to change.
the one who came back into my life last week has done nothing but tell me how happy he is that we're talking again, and really has made good changes in his life.
if i ever feel that he's not treating me well enough, or isn't the kind of man i want to be with, i have no problem letting go again.

so please, please just love me.

even if you don't agree, just love me anyways. if he breaks my heart again, feel free to tell me you told me so. but don't try to ruin it before it has a chance to start. he might just be the best thing for me, you know?

i really do love and appreciate my family and friends, and it means a lot to me that so many people have expressed their concern over this. and i really hope having more of the story has helped you see that i'm not just jumping back into the same situation.

honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings that people think poorly enough of me to think i'd go back to someone who wouldn't change. i am incredible. i've changed soooo much in the past five years. even now, i'm constantly trying to change myself for the better. and as such, i need someone who will engage me intellectually and emotionally. i need someone who wants to be a better person all the time, someone who is always changing for the better too. and right now, i really think Handy Manny might be that guy.

so, give us a shot. pretty please?