grateful.

today was a very long day. well...it was great until 3:30, when the last of my bffs left work.
from 3:30 to 8:00 i have to find ways to entertain myself on saturdays.

i read magazines and books.
i go through all of the slideshows on xfinity.comcast.net, as it's the only site i'm allowed to visit.
i play with silly putty.
i color in coloring books.
i cuddle up in my blankie and watch movies after begging my superiors to change the channels for me.
i eat mini m&m's. chips. donuts. gum. drink water.
i paint my fingernails.
i write in my pretend journal.
and i take customer calls, aka i do my job.

it sounds like enough to keep a person occupied, but it's not. i get so lonely and bored.
it's funny how that works. when everyone is around on any day besides saturday i curse their existence and wish for them to leave. but on a lonely saturday, all i want is someone to join me.

but at least i have a job.
and in times like these, i remember all the great things i have.
like wallice.
glowy stars.
his cute texts randomly during the day, even though he's busy.
blankies that keep me warm in the freezing place.
my cute mom. <insert rest of family here.>
i have everything i need.
and most of the things i want.
i'm healthy.
i'm a survivor.
i'm a lover.
and i'm me.

it's only 3 1/2 more months. i can totally do this.

i'm seriously gonna have to slit my wrists....

current time: 5:23 a.m.
my lovely sister, Jordan, just climbed in the shower to start her day.


we're going to Quentin Tarantino this crap, okay? that's code for, "let's go back in time and figure out what's brought us to this, the breaking point."


(p.s. if you read this, Jordan, in two years when you're embarking on your senior year of high school i'm just going to die laughing when you roll out of bed with only enough time to pull on sweats, brush your teeth, and make it to school, ice cream in hand for breakfast, eight seconds before the tardy bell.it's just how giving up goes. you'll understand soon enough, my young padawan.)


4:34 a.m.
startled awake. it was probably a combo of my desperate need to pee as well as my inability to breathe...
turned on my phone, saw a text from my bff Kady that i'll reply to in a couple hours, then hopped off the bed to take care of business.


4:36 a.m.
climbed back in bed, after peeing. still couldn't breathe, but then again, when can i these days?


4:39 a.m.
facebook notifications are received to my phone. now that i know they're there, i can't go back to sleep until i check them out.


4:44 a.m.
sit up in bed. i really, really can't breathe. grab some kleenex out of my orange monster box and attempt to blow my brains out through my nose. unsuccessful. of course. huge success: throwing the used tissue and scoring a basket from my bed. update facebook status. hurry!!! this is big news, yo...


4:52 a.m.
still just can't breathe. begin contemplating all the ways to cut off my nose without spiting my face, only to realize my eyes are going savage. but, so are my ears and throat. surely, i can't remove all those parts. i'm not a doctor, but i imagine they're fairly important.


4:53 a.m.
climb out of bed, find a shirt, and contemplate looking for pants. why bother? it's not like anyone else is awake...leave the safety of my warm little room, and go upstairs.


4:54 a.m. accident on the stairs. they're hard wood, it's dark. i crash and hit my knee, but caught myself on my hands. curse my parents for deciding hardwood stairs were really not that great of an idea...


4:55 a.m.
nasal spray has been sprayed. nasal decongestant pill is being swallowed. i gagged a little. i really don't like swallowing pills.


4:57 a.m.
i barely make it back to my room alive, after battling the dinosaurs in the hallway.
my nose is protesting, which is great news.


4:59 a.m.
after i couldn't hold it any longer, i finally blew my brains out my nose. it always, 100% of the time feels amazing. because eventually, at the end of this process, i will probably/hopefully be able to breathe.


5:03 a.m.
i still can't breathe and my eyes are screaming swear words. with dread, i climb out of bed and embark on the journey to my car. the weather man said it would get down to 48°, but of course he lied. the SECOND i step outside, goosebumps appear on all limbs, my toes go numb, and involuntary shivers travel the course of my body.


5:06 a.m. 
i have finally located my eye drops and allergy pills. run inside, pop a couple allergy pills. the specific number? well...who can say? i consume them pretty much like i consume popcorn or mini m&m's these days.


5:08 a.m.
i've been holding my eye drops for a few minutes. hopefully they don't freeze my eyes when i drop the liquid gold in there.


5:09 a.m. 
more involuntary shivers. it was wishful thinking to hope the eye drops would be warm enough...they're FREEZING. it's death, putting cold eye drops in.


5:11 a.m.
bed. finally. my warm, sweet bed. i never want to leave you again...what? i'm not tired anymore? there's not a chance i'm going back to sleep? <i may have shed some literal tears here. don't judge me....i'm miserable.>


5:13 a.m.
i realized i have done all these things without turning on a light. my 'yes, i am seven years old and i have glowy stars on my ceiling' stars are glowing...you know what this means?!?! six hours later and they still give light. i can admire that.


5:17 a.m.
hey, i can mostly breathe. sleep time. finally.


5:20 a.m.
jordan's justin beiber alarm. it rang only for 3.7 seconds, but this means i'm not sleeping any time soon. i can sleep through ANYTHING. i cannot, however, fall asleep to the sounds of someone getting ready. <i'll admit these tears. now i want to jump off a cliff.>


5:23 a.m. 
laptop has been located. eyes have adjusted. i just finished watching this gem:

i know i posted it two days ago. it just gets more hilarious every time i watch it, especially considering i took allergy pills 17 minutes ago. on an empty stomach they work faster, and by this point i can sympathize with David because i'm feeling and acting just like him...I'm screaming a little, asking, "Is this gonna be forever?!" in despair, and thinking David's dad is kind of an idiot.


side note: when David's like, "I can't see anything..." and his dad says, "Yes, you can!" I always want to slit his throat. seriously, David's dad?! seriously? you don't know...you're not the one hopped up on whatever those savages injected David with....




5:23 a.m. to 5:58 a.m.
write/perfect this blog. blow my nose six million times. wonder how the heck Jordan can stand this kind of music before 6 a.m.


5:59 a.m.
i am soooo dizzy. i have pillows propping literally every single part of my body, but i feel like i might fall off them any second, so i'm also on edge.


6:00 a.m.
shivers. i'm really cold. this really sucks. i can't sleep through Jordan, so i'll wait for her to leave in an hour and ten minutes. perhaps by then i'll still be able to breathe. maybe my eyes will stop itching savagely for a few minutes so i can have a nap.


i am riding my bike today. seriously...allergies are NOT stopping me or running my life today. absolutely not.


also, i know i ask always, but i seriously need any/all input. HOW DO YOU GET RID OF YOUR ALLERGIES?!?! there is literally no price i won't pay right now.


i know we've discussed shots and acupuncture. i want to know prices, timelines of how quickly you recovered, etc. something's gotta give. i seriously might not make it through another night like this...breathing is important, you know.


6:03 a.m.
Jordan is drying her hair. the blow dryer is giving me some serious anxiety.
i need to go bury my head in a hole. peace out, yo.
FIX ME, PLEASE!!! Please, help me! I'M BEGGING YOU. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!


6:07 a.m.
is this gonna be forever?! <legit crying. i am so tired. and so miserable.>

rubber meets road.

tomorrow.
seven a.m.
or eight. or nine. or ten. or eleven. depending on when i rip my butt out of bed.


my bike. me. we're falling back in love.
i have the day off with absolutely nothing on the agenda.

i figure there's no better way to spend the day!
start with a huge breakfast so i have calories to put to use.
and then ride, ride, ride.

also, today i was at a doctor's office and remembered i really love kids.
so perhaps....elementary school teacher?

it's four a.m. and i have to be up soon...

so...why am i awake???

well, there are a million things on my mind. how about a list? we like lists! ESPECIALLY AT FOUR A.M.! 

madagascar. 

stride mystery gum.

minty chapstick in a black tube.

cupcake lotion.

jeggings.

breakfast burritos.

cudding.

music.

me coming on way too strong.

me being impatient.

me being a little scared of change.

soft, smooth, shaved legs.

me also being a little scared of feelings. mine and anti-mine. yes, both of those.

gasoline.

teddy bears.

my sad bank account. bills suck. friday will be great.

my lonely bike out in the cold.

handy manny. (he's a cartoon on disney, if you didn't know.)

messy hair/bobby pins.

i probably don't want to shower tomorrow.

toy story aliens.

cute undies.

pickle chips.

kat. amos. bear lake. dancing. life-saving porta potties. cold water. olive garden.

i'm craving salad. and ramen noodles.

tickets of all kinds. 

allergies.

this is how i feel within an hour of taking my allergy meds.

yes. i do go that crazy.

maybe i took some today. maybe i didn't. i'll never tell.

mini m&m's. i want some.

caught up on burn notice...three days, then the end of the summer season. i'll cry a little.

if i were going to break a heart, i'd do it like a band-aid. just a clean, fast rip. to get it over with.

i wouldn't wait. i wouldn't do it slowly. i imagine/hope most people are like that.

one second rant, okay?

i know i'm young. but that doesn't mean i'm incapable of making decisions. if i want to get married, i'll get married. if i want to be single forever, i'll be single forever. it doesn't matter if you ask me if i have a boyfriend or when i'm getting married. that sure as hell won't rush me into anything faster, so give it a rest. i'll do that crap on my own timescale, capeshe? 

in addition to that, i will decide if/when/where i go in my life. it isn't based on any particular person or place. the ONLY reason i haven't settled down anywhere is because i haven't found anything/anyone to tie me to one place. if that were to happen, i'd settle down easy squeezy. if i say i'm in, i'm really in. i don't get attached to things for my own sake. but once it happens, i'm in for life. and if not for life...then until it's completely impossible to be attached anymore. i don't take stuff like that lightly.

it's not that i have a fear of commitment or that i can't commit. it's that i hadn't found anyone/anything i wanted to commit to. like i said, i'll do that on my own. obviously there are two sides to that. good thing i'm tough, just in case certain people/places don't work.

i'm very brave. like a lion. 

dandelions are my favorite flowers.

i have to be up soon, you know? so i can take my Mama Pam and Porter to slc because she's really afraid of freeway driving and i'm kind of a ninja. 

also, in case you didn't know, i'm brilliant.

i had a fortune cookie last week that said, 

"your personality is great--share it proudly--don't debate."

i sure won't apologize for being me, so i suppose it'll be easiest if you embrace that.

i'll raise a glass to that.

relax...just a glass of water.

let's play musical chairs.

warning: the following blog comes directly from my little heart. these thoughts aren't edited. and i probably didn't think this through all the way. sorry...my mind's been on other things.

this is a clip from the concert i went to in Denver earlier this week. it's my absolute favorite song.
(it just kinda cuts off at the end, but whatevs. you get the idea.)

it's one of those weird nights...the kind that only follow weird days.
you see, i have this dilemma.

it's the, "Do I say what I'm thinking and risk ruining everything or do I keep my mouth shut and see where the pieces fall?" kind of thing i so often find myself in the middle of.

do i tell him i want him? that i can't stop thinking about him? that against my better judgement i'm already falling head over heels? or do i wait for him to make a move? do i tell him every touch sends a shiver through my body, that the memory of his kiss erases every other thought in my head?
do i mention that every single mile of my flight home made my heart sink a little more? driving into Cache Valley, the place that used to be home, didn't make me smile at all just because he isn't here and it doesn't feel like home anymore.
everything about him is everything i thought i'd never want in a million years. but on him, it's adorable and makes me want him more. it's all completely endearing, letting me see sides of him i would have missed otherwise. sides that make him who he is. sides that i kind of love. and i'm soooo glad i got to meet this incredible guy. because of him, the things i want out of life have completely changed.

it wasn't like i planned this. i didn't want it at all. my life was less complicated before he walked into it...
and yet, i don't want it to go back to the way it was. because it's been a little brighter, a little more exciting with him in it.
but if i tell him those things, is he going to think i'm a psycho? will he run for the hills because i'm coming on too strong?
it's not that i want a proposal. or a commitment. or anything, really. i know it's going to be hard making it work. we're different. but as far as i can see, we want the same things. we're going in approximately the same direction. he makes me want to be better.

for the first time in my life, i actually want to see it through. i'm willing to risk my heart on this one, because i don't think he'd intentionally break it into pieces. instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, i'm thinking i'll just take off the damn shoes and jump in.

only...is he going to be there to catch me? or am i about to split my heart open when i crash at the bottom?