things that made my Monday the best ever...

well, first of all. look my blog. it's adorable.

so of course my day rocked.

and i was on time to work. and my make-up was done.

i ate brownie-cookies for breakfast.

i remembered to pull the glass of milk off the top of my car before i drove away.

i have mint lip balm.

and a shimmery kind too.

i got a Victoria Secret PINK lanyard free from work.

it would have cost $7.00 had i gotten it from the store.

i talked to James, my bestest on my way home from work.

he really loves me.

and spinning with Crazy Tammie on saturday?

it's soooo on! i can't wait!

my house is clean.

even my room, a little bit.

my birthday flowers bloomed.

a tall, red hair boy came over.

he hung my twinkly lights.

and stole a couple kisses.

but it ended there.

we were very good. 

even though we both wanted to be very bad. 

was Wallice jealous of him? yes, a little.

and in other news, the first fifteen minutes of the pilot to Burn Notice was good.

quote of the night, "that butt...."

none of this was part of the plan...

i like it anyways.

"it's only a kindergarten kind of crush..."

caution: though deeply inspired, profanities were used.

i went to church today.
like i do on most sundays.
only today, i actually went.


i didn't go to scope out hot men.
i didn't go to waste time.
i didn't go for free food afterwards.


i went to see how it would go.
not well, apparently.


relief society was first. i hate relief society.
but the lesson was actually really good.
it was about resisting temptations and being the best you possible.
definitely a lesson i could learn a few things from.


halfway through the lesson the Spirit whispered in my ear,
"Pay attention, Miss Jaycie. it's time for you to get your act together."
to which, i replied, "why bother?"
no answer.


so after the lesson, they had a little meeting with the new members, of which i am one.
so i went. and instantly noticed a few men i'd like to hit on a little.
to which, the Spirit whispered, "Don't bother...you won't have time for a man."
me: "um, what?! i always have time for men. what could i possibly be doing instead of dating?"
no answer.


after the New Member meeting where i put down a deposit on a new ward, i skipped up the stairs to sacrament, where i plopped it down next to a cute new boy who was in the other meeting.
jaycie: "I'll sit by you since we're both new and it sucks to sit alone."
him, smiling, "awesome. it's always a pleasure to sit with a pretty girl."
me, smirking, "well it's my pleasure to grace you with my presence."


sacrament gets underway. this is where things got a little out of hand.
the meeting was focused around Miss Kali, who is going on a mission to Somewhere, Chile.
missionary work. i was about to get up and leave because missionary work surely does not apply to me, when the Spirit whispered, "Oh no you don't. You need to hear this."
me: "Fine! i'll stay."


as the meeting got underway, i decided to argue a little.
me to the Spirit. "why do i need to stay? i'm not going on a mission."
Spirit. " ....are you sure about that?"
me: "um, yes. i've done a lot of bad things just so i wouldn't have to go."
Spirit: "like what?"
me: "i know you already know what i've been up to."
Spirit: "humor me anyway."
me: "fine. i've been breaking the word of wisdom. i drank awhile ago with some friends. and mocha frappuccinos with toffee from Starbucks might rival popcorn on my favorite foods list."
Spirit: "those don't sound so bad. what else?"
me: "you already know there isn't much i haven't done."
Spirit: "remind me."
me: "i had sex with a few guys. in the course of just the last ten months. a whole bunch of times. that should definitely disqualify me, shouldn't it?"
Spirit: "why did you do it?"
me: "so i wouldn't have to go on a mission. you know that."


at this point, i picked up a pen, a hymn book, and the ward bulletin so i could doodle.


Spirit: "why don't you want to go on a mission?"
me: "it doesn't matter. i can't go. in addition to loving coffee and being a harlot, i also have a car payment, student loans out the ass, and a cell phone contract. i have a big girl job. friends. family i'm pretty committed to a whole bunch of things. i can't just leave for a year and a half!"
Spirit: "your phone contract ends December 28th. that's plenty of time before a mission."
me: "okay. that was the least of my worries. i still have student loans. a car payment. a job. a lease."


i had just won my third round of tic-tac-toe against myself . i was starting to run out of space left for doodles.


Spirit: "you can sell your car before you leave. you have a job that should make it very easy to completely pay off your student loans in a year. you could quit your job. your lease will be up in July."
me: "....shit, shit shit. i can't do this!"


the pen fell. i didn't pick it back up. 


Spirit: "look, you don't have to go. you can stay here, marry a loser and have mediocre children. you might be happy that way, you might not. and if you decide to turn your life around and get serious about changing, it will be hard. really hard. BUT it will be 100 times more worth it than staying where you are right now. and who knows? you might not even end up on a mission. some other incredible opportunity might come up instead. but if you don't pull your head out, you're going to miss it all."
me: "okay, but haven't i disqualified a mission? i really have been kind of a slut."
Spirit: "you already know the answer to that one. it's the same one the Adulterous Woman in the Midst was given. Go, and sin no more."
me: "i'm not sure i can..." 
Spirit: "i think you can. you'll figure it out."


i almost started bawling at this point. 


Dear Heavenly Father,
please stop complicating my life. okay, that's mostly my own doing. sorry. i don't like to think it's all my fault, which it completely is. but maybe please stop giving me challenges that i'm sure to fail. 


i don't want to go on a mission. i know it will be really hard. and i might mess up, big time. i think you give me way too much credit on some things. i'm not strong. i'm not good at loving people. i'm not good at waking up early. i'm not good at being in a good mood every day. and i've messed up a whole lot, in ways that i shouldn't have.


but i'll fix it. i'll turn things around. if you say i'll be alright, i'll trust in you. i'll put my hand in yours, and i'll follow you into the light. i won't ask questions. just please don't be mad at me when i make mistakes. i'm not perfect, maybe the furthest from it that i've ever been. 


i'll prepare myself for whatever you have planned for me. i will try my hardest to be what you want me to be.
i always mess up though, so you'll have to be really patient with me. and i can't make any promises that i won't still say bad words, even when i'm really good. i'll try, but that's the one thing i was never really good at giving up anyways. i think you kind of love that about me though. and even though you love them too, i'm not going to be a Mormon like everyone else. if i'm doing this, it's got to be my own way. within reason, of course.


just catch me when i fall, okay? keep me safe. and find someone awesome to love me someday. i hope you know none of this was part of the plan. i don't even have a plan anymore, and that's really scary. and probably part of the reason why i've screwed up everything else.


also, if you have any special people you could send to be my friend and help me work this mess out, please send them. i promise to be nice and help them out on their journey too.


with love and a whole lot of nervousness, but trying to trust you anways,
Miss Jaycie Leishman




eff. now what have i gotten myself into?

if i were not me...

i would quit my job.

pack up my things.

and head home to wellsville.

because life makes more sense there.

if i were not me...

i wouldn't care that he never writes to me.

i wouldn't miss him every day.

and i wouldn't want to fly to paraguay to kick him, then kiss him better.

if i were not me...

i would take back what i said.

i meant every single word.

but i didn't mean for it to ruin one of the best friendships i ever had.

if i were not me i would get out of bed.

i would explore the salt lake valley.

and i would try to find a new friend.

if i were anyone but me, i wouldn't have eaten brownie cookie bars for breakfast.

and then pizza for lunch, fifteen minutes later.

i would have showered. i would have painted my toenails.

and i would have primped.

i wouldn't act like a six-year-old.

i wouldn't buy my teddy clothes and drag him around.

i wouldn't buy new things as a remedy for a bad day.

i wouldn't cut my hair when i remember too many painful things.

i would be okay with the dark and going outside.

i would fill my time with people instead of DIY projects.

i wouldn't obsess over boys and jeans and madagascar quotes.

i wouldn't use "ouch Charlie," and "i really like it," spoken in a british accent in nearly every conversation.

i wouldn't drive five hours for a best friend's birthday and completely ignore another's.

i would like holidays.

and i would have a normal family.

i wouldn't giggle and secretly wish to scream, "That's what she said!" while eavesdropping on conversations in wal-mart and ikea.

i wouldn't follow people around, wondering how they found each other.

i wouldn't give strangers my telephone number in public places.

i wouldn't know how to change my oil and then prepare a fancy dinner, all in the same afternoon.

i wouldn't stay in bed all day, listening to the rain.

i'd go outside and dance in it.

i would sit still in church.

i would have a tan.

and i'd do something about that extra ten pounds.

but i am me.

and these are a few of my quirks.

they make me who i am. and i am a fan of who that is,

though i'm not always quite sure exactly who that is on any given day.

boys don't seem to like who i am.

but that is not my fault. or my problem.

i don't have the faintest idea of how to be anyone but me.

nor will i try.

i don't care if people think that i'm hiding. or ruining my life.

i am not doing these things.

i am being me. in the only ways i know how.

if it looks like i'm hiding, i probably am. and i can admit that.

i don't wear a mask. i just change a lot. and i'm pretty sure that's okay.

if that is not enough, if i am not enough, then that is okay.

because to someone, i am enough.

and my quirks are perfect. and my imperfections are perfect as well.

i am perfect and amazing just the way i am.

i am perfect because i am trying.

i am perfect even though sometimes i fail.

i am perfect. simply because i am me.

twenty odd years or so...

i turned twenty. only just today.

and i thought it might be fun to recap the last twenty years.

1991. born during desert storm. blissfully unaware.

1992. first birthday present? a baby brother. how did he greet me? by peeing on my face. on MY birthday!!!

1993. nick learned how to walk. so i had to learn to run fast so he couldn't steal my brownies. McCade and i perfected the brownie stealing process. seriously. it's been documented in picture form.

1994. "Jaycie, you look sooo cute!" me: "I know."

1995. daddy's girl. mowing lawns at the cabin. Macey's ice cream cones afterwards.

1996. mom asked, "do you want a girl or boy baby?" i should have said, "neither! no more babies!" i made a mistake and said, "Girl baby." (kidding! i do love and adore that baby girl.)

1997. first grade crush: ian anderson. loved Mrs. Fredrickson.

1998. first trip to disneyland. second grade rocked my life. parents sealed us in the temple.

1999. backstreet boys. miss luthi's class. i had the biggest crush ever on Nick Poppleton. baptized. so cute, seriously.

2000. Mrs. Bankhead was my teacher. Kaloni was my best friend for most of my life. we still are best friends, actually. we didn't have the same teacher ever! but we still made it work. we had sleepovers all the time.

2001. fifth grade...."i will be complete and prepared." EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. tyler jorgensen thought i stuffed my bra. turns out i just got boobs before everyone else.

2002. sixth grade. willow valley. mrs. stoker's math class changed my life. embraced geekiness. love it, even now.

2003. twelve. found the best friend who would eventually ruin me. got a D- because i didn't learn enough spanish. peter jorgensen and i held hands. he didn't like it. chicken bowls. student council. had a crush on jake davidson.

2004. eighth grade. crush on derek pond. he wasn't very nice. megan, sadie, matt, michael, alex, and i. best friends met. we laughed. we listened to green day. watched the o.c. i still watch it though.

2005. ninth grade. best friends ended. fell into a depression that lasted far too long. tenth grade began. ran into the tall, shy, german-speaking, new boy who would eventually become one of my bffs. we spoke only a few words then. too bad, because we wasted some time.

2006. cutting. lonely. self-absorbed. worst year, probably. can't say i really remember it all that much.

2007. sweet sixteen and never been kissed. alcohol. prescription drugs. followed rapidly by kissing and everything else. all of which was force on me. raped twice. laughter gone. survived with boxing and ice cream.

2008. seventeen ain't so sweet. but i turned to God a little, so it got sweeter as the year went by.

2009. disneyland birthday princess?! check yes i was. gradutation. booked it to SUU, which changed my life. made some hard choices, which were all worth it. roommates weekend. "No one even likes school." sent the missionary to paraguay.

2010. vegas the weekend before my birthday. jello cube of suicidal tendencies on my real birthday. made it through that day, barely. then left a little chunk of my heart in alaska. wisdom teeth came out. emery county. logan. court. cedar city. hard goodbyes. airport. kaysville. new families, in additional to the original one that already rocked! bear lake drives. not even words to express how perfect and broken the year was, all at oncee.

2011. branson the twin. too many frogs, no princes. flowers and balloons today. wallice has a broken leg. i need new jeans. spin class. p90x. snugz. peeling stickers off lip balm. smiling more. YSA wards? ick, but kind of excited.

plans this year: puerto rico or alaska. maybe both? missionary returning. maybe moving to logan and calling it home for a good long while. school sometime, perhaps. life's going to rock. i can feel it.

today was a good day...

i took my very first ever spin class.

it's the snob way of saying, "I rode a stationary bike today."

spin was taught by the one and only Tammie Clark.

she's a personal trainer/fitness guru of complete sheer excellence.

and she's located in the cache valley. i really want to live here again,

just so i can always work out with her and be her best friend.

anyways, we jammed out. we worked hard. it was excellent.

and now my butt is KILLING me. because, even though i had the cushy seat, you need more than a cushy seat if you want your butt to be okay.

it's not a sore muscle thing. that will be tomorrow.

it's a sore bones rubbing on muscles thing.

she played songs about love. my faves on the list:

Burning Love. Wynonna.

Total Eclipse of the Heart. Can't remember who?

Bleeding Love. Leona Lewis.

Break your heart. Taio Cruz.

I Believe in a Thing Called Love. The Darkness.

it's my fave song.

and also the way Tammie and I met.

i was working at Cold Stone.

It came on and i shook my bum like there would be no tomorrow.

i sang. i laughed. we partied.

and she was captivated by my charm, as everyone is.

she spent the next two years trying to get me to a class.

a dance class. a yoga class. a weights class. ANYTHING!

last night i worked at Cold Stone for old time's sake. and who walked into my life?

TAMMIE KIM CLARK!

so i made her ice cream and she insisted i come to her spin class today.

i agreed and pinky swore i'd go.

big shocker for us both: i went.

afterwards, we had a heart to heart, she and i.

we talked about a bunch of things under the sun.

friendship. love. sex. salsa. church. marriage. heels.

but, most importantly, she gave me some advice that surely saved my life.

"Jaycie, you have a sparkle. and there aren't many of us left with that sparkle. and you CAN be picky about who you share your sparkle with. not everyone deserves it."

how perfectly fitting for a girl who, thus far, has just been giving it away...

no more, okay?

i deserve more than to just give it away.

i need to surround myself with people who love and adore me.

i need to love and adore myself.

i need to take care of myself.

i need to demand more of others and myself.

i'm a daughter of God.

and i haven't been acting like it.

no more.

i will no longer sacrifice myself for others.

i won't disregard my morals, my intution.

if it feels like a good idea, i'll do it. regardless of what others may think.

it doesn't matter, after all.

i will spend time on myself.

i will fix this girl.

i will smile every day. not because i'm faking it, but because there are things worth smiling over.

and i will hold out for my Mr. Perfectly Imperfect.

he deserves a girl who loves and takes care of herself.

so yes, my butt is throbbing.

but i like it. i like it a lot.

and i'm pretty sure this spinning will pay off.

and then Mr. Perfectly Imperfect will like it too.