i thought i should document some of them for your enjoyment, as some of you are far away from me and don't often get to experience the bliss my voice can bring into the heart and souls of hominids.
(that's a synonym of human. a synonym is a words that means the same things as another word. you're welcome for the english lesson, yo.)
"why won't you just let me sexually harass you?"
background: this boy at work named Jordan is nearly as touchy as i am. we hug, we cuddle, we rub each other's backs and shoulders. sometimes butts, but that's mostly my doing. i asked him this because he was having an unusually anti-touchy day.
"jaycie. like JCPenny, but without the penny because i'm broke."
background: everyone who hears my name for the first time asks, "Jay-z? Like the rapper?" and then I insert my funny line, get some serious laughs, and revel in the fact that all around the world i make people laugh.
"i hope you burn in hell. like a fire."
background: okay, i admit it. i stole this. it was stolen from Johanna about three years ago. she was a resident in the old folks home i worked at. i was a kitchen server. i wore a hair net, and man was i sexy. anyways, one day i took Johanna's drink order. i messed up by filling the glass too full and she was mad. like, spitting fire mad. i asked her if she wanted me to get a new one and she turns, and in her Arnold Schwarzenegger accent, (i'm not kidding. she really talks like that,) goes, "i hope you burn in hell. like a fire." i have never wanted to laugh so much in my life.
"i wish you loved me..." which may or may not be followed by, "...life ruiner."
this one's pretty self-explanatory. i use this to guilt people into bending to my iron-like will. it rarely works. it's usually accompanied by the Princess Cry, which has made me famous in seven states. that evokes serious laughter.
"sorry, pal." and "thingy thing."
not really sure where these came from. they're the new phases. they're replacing "Well, obviously," "suckas..." "secretly," and, "you are my very best friend."
Everyone is now a pal, not a best friend, and thingy things are simply anything i can't remember the name of right off the top of my head. i know. my creativity knows no bounds.
like my word choices, everything evolved. one of the funniest things would be the evolution of dance. now, watch this video that demonstrates my point perfectly. it's kind of long, but completely worth it. you bet your bottom dollar I'll be doing this at my wedding. only mine will be a million times better.
side note, i've seen this guy live twice. he's HILARIOUS. if you need a motivational speaker, he's your man.
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