leaving....

if you've kept up on my blog, you've probably noticed that i've been a little bit of a mess lately.

i have this tendency to sweep my problems under the rug.

it's more than a tendency really. it's a habit. a bad, bad habit.

have you heard of Joe Martin?

he's a motivational speaker.

and i've listened to him tell his story twice.

the first time, it was just a good story from a man i didn't care to relate to. i was a freshman, embarking on college. i was okay. so i didn't need it.

then i heard it again, on a day when my life seemed to be falling apart. two days before i started my sophomore year. and i needed it more than ever.

he talks about how important it is to be U.G.L.Y.

what?! excuse me, but i was made to be cute!!!

in his words, C.U.T.E. means:

Catering

Unconsciously

To

Everyone

hmmm....it sucks to say it, but yeah...that was me. i've been way too cute for way too long.

so. what does it mean to be ugly, you ask?

U.G.L.Y.

Understanding

God

Loves

You

i hate to say it, but i haven't been U.G.L.Y. in awhile.

it's something that i've been missing inside.

it's also something that i've been longing to find.

it literally broke my heart to realize that i don't know God loves me.

i'm a human. every human deserves love. and they are loved.

but i haven't FELT that.

and that's not okay with me.

in addition to being C.U.T.E., i've allowed myself to be used and manipulated by people.

i spent the last six years of my life being used by someone i was supposed to be able to trust.

it's not an excuse, it's just something i got used to.

and i let it happen. with more than one person. it always hurt. but it's what i knew. and what i felt i deserved.

i also been spent the past few years "being okay."

i'm not okay. i'll admit that.

it's been three years, yet i haven't dealt with any of the hellish things i've been through.

i spent YEARS in self-destruct mode.

i mutilated my body.

i tried to drink it away.

i numbed it with drugs.

i was raped. twice.

then i let people use those things against me.

that might have been the worst part.

people tell me often how much i inspire them,

yet i feel like that's a lie.

i've been hiding from my problems.

but they follow me. and sometimes they force their way to the surface.

and i crash.

every. single. time.

but i always pick myself back up.

and pull on the mask that screams to the world,

"I'm okay! I'm strong, able, and willing."

i'm not. and eventually people see that.

enough rambling though.

my best friend brought all this to my attention.

and since then, i've been a ticking time bomb.

i finally made a decision though, one of the hardest of my life.

i'm leaving SUU this semester.

i'm going home.

i'm not going to hide.

i'm going home because i need help.

and i can't get it here where i'm stressed to the max.

i haven't been able to devote myself to the things i love.

school is lacking. i maybe slept through or skipped half my classes last week?

RHA (my job with housing) is lacking. they deserve dedication i can't give.

my roommates deserve someone who wants to be there.

my hall deserves someone who wants to get involved and help them out.

i'm being torn in too many directions.

i don't have that many pieces to give.

so i'm going home.

and i'm going to get help.

i desperately need it.

and for the first time in my life, i want it.

there are so many people to thank.

and if you're reading this, you're one of them.

thank you for the support and the love.

you always gave it to me, even when i didn't deserve it.

you pulled me close when i pushed you away.

you held my hand when i walked through hard places.

there aren't enough words to express how grateful i am to you all.

though we'll be separated physically, we share a bond that can't be broken.

(plus, skype, texting, facebook, and e-mail kinda help...)

i'm not getting help for you.

i'm getting help for me.

so that i can come back and love you the way you deserve to be loved.

it's going to be hard. i know that.

but i have a hunch that all these hard things are creating someone amazing.

someone who WILL rise from this mess and be someone

both beautiful and completely

U.G.L.Y.