leaving....

if you've kept up on my blog, you've probably noticed that i've been a little bit of a mess lately.

i have this tendency to sweep my problems under the rug.

it's more than a tendency really. it's a habit. a bad, bad habit.

have you heard of Joe Martin?

he's a motivational speaker.

and i've listened to him tell his story twice.

the first time, it was just a good story from a man i didn't care to relate to. i was a freshman, embarking on college. i was okay. so i didn't need it.

then i heard it again, on a day when my life seemed to be falling apart. two days before i started my sophomore year. and i needed it more than ever.

he talks about how important it is to be U.G.L.Y.

what?! excuse me, but i was made to be cute!!!

in his words, C.U.T.E. means:

Catering

Unconsciously

To

Everyone

hmmm....it sucks to say it, but yeah...that was me. i've been way too cute for way too long.

so. what does it mean to be ugly, you ask?

U.G.L.Y.

Understanding

God

Loves

You

i hate to say it, but i haven't been U.G.L.Y. in awhile.

it's something that i've been missing inside.

it's also something that i've been longing to find.

it literally broke my heart to realize that i don't know God loves me.

i'm a human. every human deserves love. and they are loved.

but i haven't FELT that.

and that's not okay with me.

in addition to being C.U.T.E., i've allowed myself to be used and manipulated by people.

i spent the last six years of my life being used by someone i was supposed to be able to trust.

it's not an excuse, it's just something i got used to.

and i let it happen. with more than one person. it always hurt. but it's what i knew. and what i felt i deserved.

i also been spent the past few years "being okay."

i'm not okay. i'll admit that.

it's been three years, yet i haven't dealt with any of the hellish things i've been through.

i spent YEARS in self-destruct mode.

i mutilated my body.

i tried to drink it away.

i numbed it with drugs.

i was raped. twice.

then i let people use those things against me.

that might have been the worst part.

people tell me often how much i inspire them,

yet i feel like that's a lie.

i've been hiding from my problems.

but they follow me. and sometimes they force their way to the surface.

and i crash.

every. single. time.

but i always pick myself back up.

and pull on the mask that screams to the world,

"I'm okay! I'm strong, able, and willing."

i'm not. and eventually people see that.

enough rambling though.

my best friend brought all this to my attention.

and since then, i've been a ticking time bomb.

i finally made a decision though, one of the hardest of my life.

i'm leaving SUU this semester.

i'm going home.

i'm not going to hide.

i'm going home because i need help.

and i can't get it here where i'm stressed to the max.

i haven't been able to devote myself to the things i love.

school is lacking. i maybe slept through or skipped half my classes last week?

RHA (my job with housing) is lacking. they deserve dedication i can't give.

my roommates deserve someone who wants to be there.

my hall deserves someone who wants to get involved and help them out.

i'm being torn in too many directions.

i don't have that many pieces to give.

so i'm going home.

and i'm going to get help.

i desperately need it.

and for the first time in my life, i want it.

there are so many people to thank.

and if you're reading this, you're one of them.

thank you for the support and the love.

you always gave it to me, even when i didn't deserve it.

you pulled me close when i pushed you away.

you held my hand when i walked through hard places.

there aren't enough words to express how grateful i am to you all.

though we'll be separated physically, we share a bond that can't be broken.

(plus, skype, texting, facebook, and e-mail kinda help...)

i'm not getting help for you.

i'm getting help for me.

so that i can come back and love you the way you deserve to be loved.

it's going to be hard. i know that.

but i have a hunch that all these hard things are creating someone amazing.

someone who WILL rise from this mess and be someone

both beautiful and completely

U.G.L.Y.

my desk is a mess.

and that's not all that's a mess.

here's a list of my other messes:

the crates under my bed are a mess.

my closet is a mess.

wallice's clothes are a mess.

my ceramics locker is a mess.

my hair.

my eyes and my face are a mess.

my car is a mess.

my diet. or lack thereof.

the cupboards where my food and dishes are is a mess.

my beauty bucket is a mess.

my major and thus career path is a mess.

my backpack.

jaycie in general=mess.

but there are some organized parts of my life:

like my shower basket.

and the clothes that are hanging in my closet.

my books and movies.

my white v-necks.

my pajama drawer.

that is all.

whate'er....

today...i gave up on life a little.

i'm a little sick and tired of trying to make everyone else happy all the time.

so i did my own thing today, just because i can. because i'm rebellious.

and by that i mean:

i slept in. maybe through my first class?

i drank my weight in diet coke. because i'm an addict.

in true jaycie fashion, i walked around campus with my bed head, wearing a v-neck and some red sweats i've had for over 3 years. they're ragged. i love them. maybe i didn't wear shoes? people were surprisingly nice to me anyways.

i only ate the chicken out of my rice bowl.

i let my friend cut my hair. because i decided i hated it. now it's perfection.

i didn't shower until 3 in the p.m. (better late than never. especially considering i wasn't going to at all...)

i'm wearing a white v-neck for the fourth time in three days because i don't care if people think i only have one shirt. i actually have thousands. they're just all the very same. i like 'em, okay? bite me.

i pulled out my skinnies and Toms. because they fix things. sometimes. not today, but a girl can dream, right?

now i will go to a dollar store and find a tattoo.

because i'm NOT a complete rebel. and my dad would shoot me.

or use a metal scouring pad to rip the skin off...
either way, i ain't riskin' it.

peace and blessin's, yo.

love 'em? get them here. fivefingers rock the planet. a blog about them is in the works.

to pee or not to pee. that is the question...

Oh, that i were a man and could pee anywhere i pleased...

(can you totally see me doing this as a child? even down to the devious face...)

so i know the title of this post has got you all wondering, what the heck?

it's maybe on my bucket list to laugh so hard i pee...well, it almost happened today.

while i was training people for my Housing job. needless to say, that would NOT be my favorite way to complete said item on my bucket list.

anwyays, recently, i've been having these crazy urges to pee, like, every 20 minutes.

it's not my fault.

it's like i'm a six-year-old all over again.

i just can't help it.

and i've noticed the closer i get to the bathroom,

the more i have to stop, do the Potty Dance, and then run a few more step.

wash. rinse. repeat. or something like that.

i get laughed at quite a bit for this reason. which is fine because i AM the funniest human.

all this peeing might be due to the fact that i am turning into the world's largest water-drinker.

all that being said, i decided to do some research about the taboo subject of Urine....

enjoy, ya'll!

In India, Cows are sacred, so people drink their urine. it's mass produced and sold like bottled water in america.

they make a device called the She Wee so women who hate to sit down in public bathrooms can pee like a man...all i want to know is where they store them....HECK NO am i keeping one of those in my bag...

45% of people admit to peeing in the shower and the ocean. you know what i say?

bologna....i bet it's closer to 97%....

babies start peeing in the womb around 14 weeks...when they're lemon-sized.

large amounts of vitamin B12 will turn your urine neon yellow.

(i might try it!)

you can see cat urine with a black light. it glows.

there is also a Wiki How-To about how to hold in your pee. it was very useful information that i totally plan on utilizing in the near future.

in fact, the loo is callin' my name right about now....

peace and blessin's. peace. and blessin's.

i buy shapes mac & cheese...

when i was little, i sometimes went grocery shopping with my mom.

{my mom is the greatest of all the moms, NO BATTLE!!! :) suckas...}

and as we'd approach the mac & cheese i'd always beg her to get the shapes kind.

and in response, i always heard,

"When you grow up,

you can get whatever

kind of mac & cheese

you want..."

so, as the defiant little hobbit i am, i always get shapes mac & cheese now that i'm "Grown Up"...

i've been living on my own for almost a year now...

but i have a feeling that doesn't necessarily make one a grown up.

last week, i bought a broom.

and toilet bowl scrubber.

and my own laundry soap.

towels. utensils. cookware.

after some very careful consideration, i decided that i must be a grown up because...

i cut my own meat.

i am no longer worried what Manly cashier thinks of me when i buy panties or tampons.

i don't (always) make people kiss my Ouchies better anymore...

i pay my own bills.

i clean my apartment for fun.

i scold people for breaking "quiet hours."

i can make a casserole, start to finish. casserole dish included.

but, at the very end of the day, i guess i might never be a grown up because...

i still think boys have cooties.

i keep bubbles and silly putty in my bag always to keep me entertained in case i get bored.

i'm afraid of being left and forgotten at the store.

i don't wear shoes unless "grown-ups" make me.

i pout if people don't let me pick the movie or the place to eat.

i wear Silly Bandz because they're cool.

i have a crush on Justin Beiber.

and i only shower when i look dirty or get smelly.

sometimes i wander away from home and get a little lost.

and sometimes i cry for no reason at all.

if a good song comes on, you can bet my butt will be shakin' to the beat.

even in front of the prophet or Jesus. i bet they both like to boogey.

i have spontaneously combustible laughter. and i growl and bite and pinch.

i sleep with my teddy, Wallice.

and take him other places too...

i always ask for a sucker at the bank.

and i crawl under church benches if no one will let me out when i need to pee.

and i get grouchy if i don't have enough naps.

all these things make me a good catch. i love. i laugh. i smile. i'm open.

i care. i'm kind. and i'm unique. maybe that doesn't attract all the guys.

i suppose sometimes you still have to be patient,

just like a grown-up

and wait for your Prince Charming to come along, shapes mac & cheese in tow...