just a little scared...

according to my sister, jordan the blunt, i am the retard of dating...

she's probably right.

i don't like dating. actually, i'll be totally honest. i loathe dating. i know it's a pre-requisite for marriage, but i'd rather skip that part of the process.

i'm currently on a 2-year dating moratorium. that's a fancy word for a necessary break. i decided to go on this break a little more than seven months ago. in that time, i've been on two dates.

is that cheating?

no. and here's why: it's a dating moratorium. not a date moratorium. it's the -ing that changes things. date is a noun. dating is a verb. my rule concerning the word: it's better as a noun.

in my history there's been very little dating. don't get me wrong, i've spent my fair share of time with the less-fair gender. i've had crushes, boy toys, love interests, etc.

i have a dear from-another-mother brother. we'll call him bryce for the sake of his privacy. we were having a chat a few nights ago about l-o-v-e. you see, i currently find myself to be infatuated with one redish-haired, boot wearin' cowboy. so i had to share the deets.

now, when most girls have a crush on a boy, they smile more, they doodle his name on their notes, dress up every day, and let’s be honest, start planning the wedding.

not this girl…

i guess for lack of a better term i could be dubbed Cynical Man Hater.

cyn·i·cal adj.

3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness.

correct me if you find my logic to be skewed, and i’ll grant you access to the full story, but i have the right to be a little weary of men.

i tend to attract the wrong kinds of guys:

bad boys with big biceps.

um….we’ll call them hormonal(?) boys. mind you, that’s putting it kindly.

homosexual boys (13 and counting.)

married guys.

and my favorite of them all: the best friends.

i dislike the Best Friend kind of guy for one reason: i have enough friends. i, like every other girl want the BOYfriend. i have a whole list of guys i can call in a bind. i’ve got the best friend for crying. the best friend for movie watching. the best friend for shopping. and the best friend to change my oil and get my car un-stuck. i don’t need any more Best Friends.

and yet when it comes down to it, i won’t allow myself to have the BOYfriend. he scares the hell out of me. i’ve been damaged lots by boys. so opening up to new boys is a struggle. if they go in for a kiss, i pull away. they pinch my butt, i cut off their fingers. okay…i leave the phalanges intact, but I sometimes want to cut them off! :)

point is: i’m scared to let people in. i’m already missing some pieces and i’m afraid of losing more.

i reached an understanding tonight, tucked safely away in my little room. if i don’t at least try to let people in, no one will ever even get close.

i suppose to fully heal you have to open yourself up to be hurt a little, trusting that the people you let in won’t let you fall.

i have a date tonight. a date with aforementioned redish-hair, boot wearin’ cowboy. i’m nervous. and i will admit, a little scared. but he won’t see that side of me. i’m determined not to let that show.

i’m going on a date with a boy.

a real one.

and i might creep him out! that will be okay….

because here’s the plan: when i leave my little room, i’m taking my inner-jaycie with me. she’s nuts, in case you haven’t met her. but she’s fun. and she will have fun on that date tonight. whether or not it turns into dating is yet to be determined. but that doesn’t matter.

when i leave tonight, i will be the Jaycie i’m meant to be. the quirky, loud, talkative, little human than people grow to love. and if redish-hair, boot wearin’ cowboy doesn’t like that, then it’s not my loss.

i know that my Heavenly Father will love me just the same, quirks and all. and He won’t let me fail in the end. so yes, dating sucks. but i don't really feel like i've got that much to lose.

wish me luck?

-jayc