does anybody know how to hold my heart?

Firstly, there should be a STILL before my relationship status of Single.

i have been on a million first dates.

second dates: one.

third dates: zero.

i've done dinner dates, lunch dates, movie dates, and ice cream dates.

i've been mellow. i've been crazy. i've been quirky. i've been sweet.

i've been cuddly. i've been reserved. on every date, i've just been me.

i've dated Mormons, i've dated Atheists, i've dated Americans. Liberians.

Younger guys. Older guys. employed and unemployed.

short guys. tall guys. skinny guys. big guys. quiet guys. funny guys. grumpy guys.

i was genuinely interested in one...he decided i made a better plaything than long-term commitment.

and so i've become cynical.

i don't let myself have crushes.

i don't fall in love.

i stay in on the weekends and have DIY parties.

i treat myself to dinner.

i go to movies alone.

i'm okay on my own. and i don't need a man.

i work full-time. i have a lease. a car payment.

and a 401k.

i'll be going back to school in the fall.

i will completely school by the time i'm 25.

i might throw in some weird adventures before then.

who can say?

i'll become a teacher.

and if my FEC never comes along, i'll adopt some babies.

you don't need to be married to be a mom.

and so i won't wait for one to come along to make my dreams come true.

that's been the plan anyways.

i convinced myself i didn't need a man.

and then i met one i kinda liked.

he cuddled. he kissed the back of my neck.

he held my hands when we drove places.

i fell asleep on him during movies.

he was great.

and most of the things i wanted.

but we didn't have the same standards.

we weren't going the same places.

and that mattered to me, so i said good-bye.

because i wanted forever. and he wanted tattoos.

so now i'm left alone again, hoping for forever.

i don't ask for much, i don't think.

i just want a cute little average guy.

someone to love me and take care of me.

to take hold of my hand and never let go.

i want someone to fight with me.

someone to hug me around the waist and kiss my neck when i'm cooking.

and then drag me to church, even when i just don't want to go.

i want a white picket fence and a mailbox with our hand prints painted on.

i wanna be in love. the forever kind of love.

the "let's wait and make it special" kind of love.

i'm not very patient though. and so i hope he comes soon.

and i hope when he comes, he loves me in spite of all the mistakes i constantly make.

i want babies and date nights.

most of my dreams will come true because i can make them come true.

but one dream i just can't control.

and it just so happens to be the biggest one.

i want to be in love. i want my Mr. Perfectly Imperfect.

i want someone to hold my hand.

and more importantly, someone to hold my heart...

i can do it myself, only where's the fun in that?

my best friend.

i could just send you here.

or here.

or here. or here. or here.

here is another.

and another.

and another.

and this one.

see, i always write about my bffs. so i'm totally not doing one about my best friends.

especially because most of them suck.

and so i don't even really have an best friends today.

they mostly all ignore me and don't make room for me in there lives.

and you know what? i'm kind of sick of being the one who does the talking.

friendship is a two-way street and most of my friends don't seem to get that.

so my bffs of today:

trulan. colton. branson. my mom. wallice.

my day...

i stayed up until 3 a.m. texting a cute boy.

woke up at 10:43, one minute before my alarm went off.

came upstairs, at some cereal.

contemplated quilts with my mom.

showered.

had a bad hair day.

had a bad makeup day.

got dressed.

finally started to look sexy and sassy.

ended up being way late to church. like, fifteen minutes late.

boone's talk was brill. he's going to take portugal by storm.

went to the farewell dinner.

met Tess' boyfriend, Chaz. can't say i'm that fond.

ate some soup. chilled with the fam, who thinks i'm a riot. go figure, i am.

drove home.

folded some laundry.

spray painted a super cute flower hook that needs to be black.

put together the cute mirror i did myself yesterday.

ate some sunday dinner with the fam.

and then things got out of hand.

my family is full of die-hard football fans.

i could care about the stupid sport.

and so i started asking Jordan about her life.

but she is the BIGGEST fan ever.

yes, i might have been doing it to bug her.

it worked.

it ended with her waving at me with just her middle finger.

so i wandered back downstairs to do more laundry.

then i came upstairs to update my facebook status.

it reads:

Steeler's football: ripping America apart one family at a time...starting with mine.

of course i typed this while talking aloud. my parents are still giggling because i'm hilarious.

and humble. let's never forget humble.

the rest of my night will include moving into the ghetto, aka "The Brown House."

my life kind of makes me laugh.

and though i often speak the contrary, i love this little "middle finger waver..."

jaycie the cynic on day five...

my definition of love:

being the masochist who jumps into something you know won't end well.

it's that uncomfortable feeling you get when you've tipped back in your chair a little too far, a split second before you fall.

it feels like you've stubbed your toe.

it's the needles in your foot when it's fallen asleep.

it's getting dumped and moping around for months or years wondering what went wrong.

it's distracting yourself with DIY projects.

you know it's love when you realize you're the mouse who got close to the cheese but the last thing you heard was, "SNAP!" and then it was just too late...

it's wearing shoes, even though you hate shoes.

and dressing up when you wanna stay home and wear sweats.

it's the ultimate jump into a dark abyss of unknown torture...

quite frankly, i'm going to pass. love is miserable.

what i ate today....

oh ew...i just KNEW i was going to get this post today.

today i went on a See Food diet.

"i see it, i eat it...."

breakfast:

two poptarts. because they come in packages of two.

calories: 400.

lunch:

3" of a subway club with mayo.

calories: we'll go with 200.

THEN i ate a Marie Callendar's meal something.

calories: 650.

then i ate a bag of peanut butter m&m's.

calories: 240

20 ounce diet coke.

calories: 0, thank goodness!

then i took a much needed break from food.

until i got home to wellsville where i ate....

Dinner:

just like, 75 minutes of a Totinos pizza.

calories: 910....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

bulimia looks like a good idea right about now...

total calories: 2400. i guess that's not too bad considering i ate everything.

i guess i'll go make some cookies to add just a little more frosting to this unsightly cake.