I did it anyway.

Tonight I was contemplating my life and decided to simplify a bit. Henley and I are living on the floor for now, as all of our things have been moved to cedar city. 

This means piles and piles of stuff everywhere. 

So I moved all the clean clothes to Jordan's room and sorted through things. 

In the process, I lost my workout spot.

I'd had a hard day, I was tired and sore from last night's workout, I wanted to get to bed, etc. I was thinking of every excuse in the book.

"One day off won't kill me."

It's such an easy, small workout it won't ever give me any results anyways. Why am I even trying?"

"I ate too much today. Working out for hours can't undo that..."

And then Henley rolled over in her sleep and I looked at this perfect little human that I made by myself, from scratch. 

She deserves everything good in the world. I have huge hopes for her.

And I'm the one who will ultimately teach her how to be her best self. So I can lie here and justify all the reasons why I don't want to work out and do any other number of things, or I can put on my big girl panties and do the hard things anyways.

So I worked out. It only makes two days in a row, but that's two more days than I usually have. Small and simple things bring big changes. 

This body I have is amazing. 

These arms rock her and hold her when she's upset. 

These legs dance and walk with her.

This face makes her smile and laugh.

These boobs have fed her for eight months and will continue to do so for a few more months.

All the stretch marks mean she had a cozy place to grow, that my body transformed into something new and different, but still beautiful, and it was all to give her life.

This soft belly is her favorite place to cuddle into when we're playing in the morning. 

My scars mean I was clumsy, I fell, I made mistakes, but I always got back up and I healed.

Too many mommies I see completely give themselves up after they have babies. They stop doing their hair, they put the makeup away forever, and they don't invest in clothes to make them feel good, but instead to simply cover the body they loathe.

I refuse to be one of those mommies. I'm not judging them, but I won't be like them.

I am incredible. I am strong. I'm resilient. I'm brave. I do hard things every single day of my life. No one on earth can ever possibly dispute that I am a hard core, bad ass (sorry grandma) super mom.

So I will workout. I will do my small, 15-minute workout of squats, push-ups and some silly little ab thing.

I will go on walks. I will go on runs. I will bike and swim and I'll have crazy dance parties with my tiny sidekick.

I will splurge on makeup, clothes, and my hair because those things make me happy. They aren't the most important things in life, but they still matter.

I'll make healthy choices, but I won't ever say no to a piece of cake. There is absolutely a way to have it all.

And sixteen years from now, when my tiny goose is all grown-up, I hope she knows that I love myself, that I respect this body and treat it well not because I'm vain and need to be pretty to be happy, but because my body should be a reflection of the life and soul that it holds.

I'm incredible. There are definitely some rough spots that can use some work, but who's not a work in progress in some way? It's what makes life so beautiful.

So I will continue to workout. I'll continue to make hard choices. I will work every single day to reach my goals.

And when it gets too hard and I feel like giving up?

I'll keep going anyways.

A cheesy post about my kid.

Before I had Henley, I worried a lot that I'd be a bad mom. I didn't know how to take care of a baby, I was sure I'd sleep through her cries in the night, and I was even more terrified at the prospect of being a single mama.

Here we are almost seven months after my sidekick made her grand entrance. I can honestly say it's been a blast. Henley is incredible. She's a tricky baby, to be sure, but you couldn't pay me all the money in the world to give her up.

She is definitely sassy. She yells at me all the time when she's mad or upset. She'll stare right at me and totally cuss me out.

She gets hangry, sometimes. She'll go from happy to pissed in two seconds, but after she's been fed she gets extra sweet, almost apologetic for throwing her hungry/angry fit. It's especially funny when she's eating. If you aren't giving her food fast enough she'll lecture you.

The cutest eating habit by far though is her "mmmm" noises while she's eating. Just like me!

She sleeps through the night, finally. That was hard work, some sleepless nights for me and plenty of crying for Henley, but we got there. Now she's a pro sleeper. We have a cute little bedtime routine. She gets to play naked for a bit, then she gets her jammies on, cuddles on whoever is home, then we go downstairs, say a prayer and she gets a bottle. Then I smooch on her, give her Giraffy, tuck her in with her blankie, and she instantly gives Girafffy a little kiss, cuddles in, turns her head, and goes to sleep.

She LOVES music. Her favorite song is Slow Boat to China by the Girls Next Door, but she'll basically sing, dance, and listen to anything. She has a cool piano walker music toy that she likes pretty well.

She pulls the funniest little faces. She'll just stare at me then pull a cheesy face or light up with the biggest grin. 

She's been sitting up by herself for about two weeks, but she's getting frustrated with not being mobile, so I think she'll be crawling pretty soon. She can walk if people hold her hands, she's a bit of a pro at that.

Her favorite food seems to be pizza, but she'll basically eat any kind of grown-up food. She won't go near baby food at all. I know, worst mom ever...

She also loves scrambled eggs, fried chicken, and green beans. I can't really say there's any food she's tried she doesn't love.

She loves to go outside. It's definitely her favorite. She likes the grass and will run her feet and hands over it like crazy. She super loves to ride and mow the grass with her grandpa. 

It's a little crazy how this little savage has completely turned my life upside down in the best ways. Just when I think I couldn't possibly love her more she does something else cute and makes me adore her more.

The bigger she gets, the more fun we have. Truly can't imagine life without my tiny goose.

Smiles and smiles.

Right this minute, there's not a single thing I would change. 

I have a gorgeous mini-me.

She lights up my whole world every single day. Truly, I would be lost without my tiny sidekick. 

#truelove #babygoose 

I feel incredible.

I've been making time for me lately, avoiding some of the foods I know won't make me feel good, and I love it. 

Though my running pace is barely faster than a turtle and I dance backwards, I'm optimistic that I'll catch on.

#endorphins #healthy #happy

I'm in love.

This life is a beautiful one and I have some really amazing people who make it a completely wonderful journey. Great friends, awesome family, amazing kid, wonderful...I'm a lucky girl.

#smitten #crushes #perfect

I'm on my way.

School is going to open so many doors for me and I'm ready to completely take over and let it change my life.

#motivated #suu #tbird

Of course there are speed bumps along the way, but the big picture is pretty much perfect.

#blessed

Tattooed, single Mormon mommy looking for love. An ad.

I will probably be single forever.

I have a long list of requirements in a man. A long list of reasons to run away, and a tiny hope that maybe someone eventually won't. 

The requirements:

1. You must be okay with Henley, specifically, she must like you and you must be willing to adopt her and make her your own.

Especially since her dad walked out of the picture. Sorry dating me means dating my kid. And by sorry I mean, you're welcome because she is awesome and my favorite human.

2. You have to be willing to be patient as I sort out my life. 

I'm going to school. I've got about 2.5/3 hard, busy years left to get my degree so my baby goose and I can have a decent future if no one comes along. After that, I'll follow you to the ends of the earth. But please, let me have this one. Prove to me that I'm worth the wait and I'll prove to you the rest of your life that waiting for me was worth it.

3. You have to be a hard worker, at least as hard of a worker as I am. I'm doing my very best to make sure Henley and I can have an amazing life. I refuse to support anyone else and need someone who can keep up.

I won't be a substitute teacher forever, after all.

4. Good kissers, only. Will train the right applicant. 

Marriages require passion. So be prepared for my 15-Second Kiss rule, which requires a long, hot kiss every single day, even if we're fighting and don't feel like it. You'll have to take one for the team sometimes, right? 

5. 'Til death do we part. Murder-style.

I refuse to get married a third time, assuming I even tie the knot a second time, so if you ever decide to leave your ring behind, please know that I will kill you. I kid. But seriously. I'm in it for the long haul and need someone who won't ever say goodbye. It's not even optional.

6. You must be okay with my crazy.

I'm quirky. We all know this. Sometimes you'll come home to a spotless house, happy babies, gorgeous wife. 

Other times, you'll come home and find a million projects scattered all over, naked little savages running around, and I'll be a hot mess.

But I promise to always meet you with a smile and a kiss.

7. I want lots of babies. That's pretty self-explanatory, I think. And I want, "Please stop kissing," to be said by at least one of them every day.

They better all know that we're madly in love. 

8. I want to build a tiny house to fill with all those babies. Refer to my Pinterest board. (Username: jayciepenny. Board name: My tiny house.)

I think materialism sucks, so we'll cram everyone and all their stuff into a tiny space and spend the money on vacations and memories instead of gadgets and therapy.

9. You must be willing to laugh, play, and have adventures with me every day.

If I've learned anything it is that life is short and I won't waste a single day doing things I don't want to do and that don't make me happy. 

I plan on a happy, amazing full life. I refuse to look back with regrets. So, if you happen to know a man who may fit the bill, (or perhaps you are that man), please send them my way. Or apply yourself. (With a request for a date.)

Date one: I'll do the cooking and provide the entertainment. 

Date two and everything thereafter: that's up to you.

my little family.

the main reason it's been such a long time since i've posted is that i feel like i don't know how to share what's been going on without seeming like a monster, whiny baby, or like i'm looking for pity.

so, i will give a few updates, but let me be clear. i'm not looking for pity. i'm just writing down all the things that i've been putting off for a year.

from the time Henley was born i've wanted family pictures. if we're being honest, i truly thought Andrew and i would get back together after she came. i expected five faces captured on film, the perfect new beginning to our crazy life.

that didn't happen.
and there's absolutely no way it's happening now.

Andrew has decided to terminate his parental rights entirely. he and his kids will not be involved with Henley and i. it's a decision that he's made and one that is both a relief and a shocking, hurtful mess.

another man came along, someone i really saw myself growing old with. i planned on more babies, a porch swing, and a happy, crazy, beautiful life. abruptly that too came to a halt and i'm now back to square one, only this time i have no plans and no intentions to proceed in that area.

but i'm not going to allow any human in the world to hold back my little family, my little Henley and i.
so we had family pictures taken anyways. familys can have just two people and it's more than enough for me. my friend, Luis and his amazing wife, Katrina, gave us the most precious and perfect pictures at this, the start of our story with just us.

his photography page can be found here. (i didn't get bribed or anything, i just think he did a phenomenal job.) they're especially amazing considering Henley and i both were fairly grumpy and i was stressed out of my mind, not to mention she's a baby and babies are notoriously hard to photograph anyways because you can't bribe them or anything like that. enjoy!