H is for home. and healing.

i've had a lot of time to myself the past week.
a lot of time for reflecting. a lot of time for relaxing.

i baked a lot. i cleaned a lot. i unpacked all my stuff.
i applied for jobs, and had a few interviews.
i caught up with my family, and spent a little time with friends.

but when it came right down to it, i had a lot of time alone.
a lot of time to process everything that happened during the past year.
i feel like i finally allowed my heart to break.
i've been holding a lot in.

i made some mistakes.
i made some hard decisions. and i made some good ones.
i met some incredible people. and i had some pretty awesome adventures.
i thought i fell in love. then realized that love was completely wrong for me.
then i met a guy who's absolutely perfect for me. and who thought i was too young for him.
i had close friends pass away. i lost my grandma.
i had a lot of sleepless nights over lots of silly things.

in the midst of all that, i found myself. i found this incredibly strong, brave, little human. she's quirky. loud. outgoing. accepting. open. bold. passionate. vibrant. impulsive. witty. maybe a little crazy. someone beautiful. someone worth sooo much. i'm going places. where? i have no idea right now...but somewhere good.

i have no idea what the future holds. absolutely no clue.

the other day, i was cleaning the kitchen. Kegan was sitting at the counter, playing on my phone. it was quiet. we were just chilling (like we always are), and he finally asked, "Why do you sigh so much? It sounds like you're really depressed."
it completely caught me off guard, but he's not the first person who's observed this about me...i finally told him why. "it's because i always hold my breath. i forget to breathe, so it's my way of catching up."

it's weird though, isn't it? the ONE THING all humans can do without any thought at all is the main thing i'm struggling with lately. i wish i had a clue as to why...i just can't breathe, i guess.

and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
setting fire to our insides for fun.
collecting names of the lovers that went wrong.

this song was just playing. fitting, right? if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.

i have a few job interviews this week.
one would be especially amazing for me. it would mean starting school in january.
the other two are down in the salt lake area. they'd mean working/living down there until May when i can have my old job back. that would mean starting school in august.
i'm okay right now with either of those paths. i'm really hoping to stay home and start school asap, but who knows what's in store...

yeah, that's all i've got for right now....perhaps tomorrow my jumbled thoughts will make more sense.

guess why i smile a lot. {why?} uh, 'cause it's worth it...

watch this:

and then watch this:

this *might* be my favorite youtube video. i am OBSESSED with Marcel the Shell.

i'm sure i've posted these before. but hey, watching them on repeat isn't a bad thing.

keep crossing fingers for me that i'll find a job.

it HAS to be in the cache valley. i'm applying at USU for spring semester.

i need to go to school. my life needs to start. it's why i came back!

i smile because it's worth it. why do you smile?

jaycie the criminal???

today was so funny.

i had a job interview at Buckle, only my favorite retail store.

i looked amazing.

completely nailed the interview. 

we'll see on that one though...

i'm not super optimistic about it, so i won't be too disappointed if i don't get it.

anyways, after the interview i went to play with Mandy.

when i go to her house, i park across the street at the hospital.

it's just easier than risking a parking ticket.

as i was leaving, i jaywalked across the street back to my car.

didn't think anything of it, until the blue, red, and white lights starting flashing in front of me.

this police office got out of his car and walked towards me.

you all know how sassy i am. 

so i said, "can i help you?"

cop: "do you know why i'm stopping you?"

me: "um...no?"

him: "you just jaywalked across the street."

me: "oh....that."

him, laughing at my shock/instant fear: "i'll let you go just this once, and only because you made it look good."

the relief on my face made him laugh and we said our happy little goodbyes.

totally made my night though, because i definitely did make it look good.

but really? who jaywalks IN FRONT OF A COP? only this girl....

so, my blog name takes on a new meaning now, doesn't it? since i'm a real criminal jaywalker now.

i have an interview in SLC for a bank teller position tomorrow.

please bless if i don't get the buckle job, i'll get that one, since they both sound good to me!

i'm home...now what?

we left denver at approximately 10 a.m. yesterday morning.

we got home around 8 or 8:30 p.m. hauled in some of my stuff, but gave up and crashed on the couch.

this morning, i decorated my room.

then i hauled in the rest of my stuff, which is now just sitting in the middle of the floor...i'll put it away at some point tonight. after i make my bed so i have somewhere to sleep later. 

my closet is put away.

and i have all my important things out and about.

but then there's all the stuff you don't really need when you live with your mom.

like pots and pans. and knives.

soooo.....i guess that'll just chill in the middle of my floor for the rest of eternity.

kidding. there's a closet for that. but i'm a little over moving, so i'll have to get to that later. 

and my bathroom stuff. i just don't know what to do with anything anymore.

there isn't room for this. not sure how i did it last time i lived here....

as for other news...i need a job.

my parents are monsters and won't let me have Maximus here, and after some careful consideration, i think it's the smartest move to mooch off them for the rest of my life (or just until i finish school...) sooo....no puppy! :( :( :( :( :( :( :( 

for now, i'm just going to get back into the swing of utah.

that means less swearing, more clothing, and time with my family. plus, the GJ, zupa's, and cafe rio.

i have a new little bff. well, he's actually my old bff. but we're getting back into the groove.

Kegan, the cousin/brother. we're way too cool compared to other people. don't worry about it. he likes me only for my phone and the special app folder just for him.

and because he can beat me at chess always...i wish i could lie and say i let him win.

having a 13-year-old bff who's a boy? yeah. that happens.

also, JAMES DYER. you better call me, you terrible bff.... <spiderman fingers.>

i'll post pics soon. life's just busy and it's way too hard to upload them currently. i'm still learning this new computer stuff. it's a pain. never again...

if you strip me, strip it all away.

i'm having an emotional crisis, as i always do.
i'm excited to go home, i really am.
just a little nervous about the "no job" thing...

it's going to be fine, i'm sure. just a little scary.
i'm for sure going back to school.

and my super hot girlfriend, Ashlee, might need a roommate, aka ME! :)
that is, if she wants me...

it's going to be an adventure.
every step of the journey is the journey.
this is an exciting step, right?

in a week, i'll be home.
i'll be in my bed in wellsville, sleeping.
sunday will be the first of many sunday dinners with my family.

monday will bring the biggest job hunt of all time.
my favorite bike rides.
grandma visits.
baking for my dad. and nick.

i'm excited. life's getting good.
i had such a grumpy day today.
work is rough, but i only have 3 more days left.

everything is about to be different again.
i feel like i'm about to be able to breathe again.