guess why i smile a lot. {why?} uh, 'cause it's worth it...

watch this:

and then watch this:

this *might* be my favorite youtube video. i am OBSESSED with Marcel the Shell.

i'm sure i've posted these before. but hey, watching them on repeat isn't a bad thing.

keep crossing fingers for me that i'll find a job.

it HAS to be in the cache valley. i'm applying at USU for spring semester.

i need to go to school. my life needs to start. it's why i came back!

i smile because it's worth it. why do you smile?

jaycie the criminal???

today was so funny.

i had a job interview at Buckle, only my favorite retail store.

i looked amazing.

completely nailed the interview. 

we'll see on that one though...

i'm not super optimistic about it, so i won't be too disappointed if i don't get it.

anyways, after the interview i went to play with Mandy.

when i go to her house, i park across the street at the hospital.

it's just easier than risking a parking ticket.

as i was leaving, i jaywalked across the street back to my car.

didn't think anything of it, until the blue, red, and white lights starting flashing in front of me.

this police office got out of his car and walked towards me.

you all know how sassy i am. 

so i said, "can i help you?"

cop: "do you know why i'm stopping you?"

me: "um...no?"

him: "you just jaywalked across the street."

me: "oh....that."

him, laughing at my shock/instant fear: "i'll let you go just this once, and only because you made it look good."

the relief on my face made him laugh and we said our happy little goodbyes.

totally made my night though, because i definitely did make it look good.

but really? who jaywalks IN FRONT OF A COP? only this girl....

so, my blog name takes on a new meaning now, doesn't it? since i'm a real criminal jaywalker now.

i have an interview in SLC for a bank teller position tomorrow.

please bless if i don't get the buckle job, i'll get that one, since they both sound good to me!

i'm home...now what?

we left denver at approximately 10 a.m. yesterday morning.

we got home around 8 or 8:30 p.m. hauled in some of my stuff, but gave up and crashed on the couch.

this morning, i decorated my room.

then i hauled in the rest of my stuff, which is now just sitting in the middle of the floor...i'll put it away at some point tonight. after i make my bed so i have somewhere to sleep later. 

my closet is put away.

and i have all my important things out and about.

but then there's all the stuff you don't really need when you live with your mom.

like pots and pans. and knives.

soooo.....i guess that'll just chill in the middle of my floor for the rest of eternity.

kidding. there's a closet for that. but i'm a little over moving, so i'll have to get to that later. 

and my bathroom stuff. i just don't know what to do with anything anymore.

there isn't room for this. not sure how i did it last time i lived here....

as for other news...i need a job.

my parents are monsters and won't let me have Maximus here, and after some careful consideration, i think it's the smartest move to mooch off them for the rest of my life (or just until i finish school...) sooo....no puppy! :( :( :( :( :( :( :( 

for now, i'm just going to get back into the swing of utah.

that means less swearing, more clothing, and time with my family. plus, the GJ, zupa's, and cafe rio.

i have a new little bff. well, he's actually my old bff. but we're getting back into the groove.

Kegan, the cousin/brother. we're way too cool compared to other people. don't worry about it. he likes me only for my phone and the special app folder just for him.

and because he can beat me at chess always...i wish i could lie and say i let him win.

having a 13-year-old bff who's a boy? yeah. that happens.

also, JAMES DYER. you better call me, you terrible bff.... <spiderman fingers.>

i'll post pics soon. life's just busy and it's way too hard to upload them currently. i'm still learning this new computer stuff. it's a pain. never again...

if you strip me, strip it all away.

i'm having an emotional crisis, as i always do.
i'm excited to go home, i really am.
just a little nervous about the "no job" thing...

it's going to be fine, i'm sure. just a little scary.
i'm for sure going back to school.

and my super hot girlfriend, Ashlee, might need a roommate, aka ME! :)
that is, if she wants me...

it's going to be an adventure.
every step of the journey is the journey.
this is an exciting step, right?

in a week, i'll be home.
i'll be in my bed in wellsville, sleeping.
sunday will be the first of many sunday dinners with my family.

monday will bring the biggest job hunt of all time.
my favorite bike rides.
grandma visits.
baking for my dad. and nick.

i'm excited. life's getting good.
i had such a grumpy day today.
work is rough, but i only have 3 more days left.

everything is about to be different again.
i feel like i'm about to be able to breathe again.

oh, you know....the usual.

i had a job interview yesterday with a company that is pretty amazing. the pay was great, the job was great. it would have been perfect.

but when the boss lady called to offer me the job, my heart kind of dropped.
and that's when i knew it was a probably a bad idea to stay in Denver.

my heart definitely hasn't been here in awhile. i tried to make it work after things fell apart with Handy Manny, but this wasn't ever my home. i moved here for him and he broke my heart. i tried to stay here for me and couldn't find any reason good enough.

i'll miss Denver and the friends i've made here.
Sarah, Deshon, Amy/Justin/Zeuss, and Caryn, to name a few.
 i'll absolutely be back to visit, and this city definitely has a place in my heart.

but it's not my home and i need to do me for a bit.

i need to go back to school.
i need to find my happy place again.
i need to be closer to my mom and my cute grandmas, my little bff, Jordan, my dad, Nick, and Kegan. (this name thing could take a bit...) and James, my very best, of course. and Hollie, who is pregnant!!!

i've learned so much by having this adventure.

i learned about relationships. what it takes to make them work, and the things that i need to be happy. i thought i found it, only to realize i deserve so much more. then i found an incredible guy who was all i wanted and then some, only to find that sometimes the feeling isn't that mutual and little things like age can keep people apart if both people aren't willing to make things work in spite of the challenges.
i would have stayed for him...so i'm glad he knew me a little better than i knew myself and in a way, really let me go...i told him and myself that i was staying for me, but i think he knew better.

i don't need a man to support me or take care of me. i've got that taken care of. i want someone to love me, to help me chase my dreams, and to have the most passionate, beautiful relationship the world has ever seen. i also realized i'm young. i'm absolutely a spinster in the Utah dating world where girls are married off and making babies at 18, but it's okay that my path is different. i've gotta trust that my One is out there, and we'll find each other when we're both ready.

i learned about myself. moving here was by far the hardest thing i've ever done. financially it was a risk. there were times i really didn't know if i was going to be able to make it work, but i also learned i'm not a quitter. when things got hard, i worked harder. failing wasn't an option for me, and i made it work. i dug really deep and realized i'm a strong, capable woman.

i learned about the fragility of human life. since being here i've had two close friends pass away. my Great Grandma Harris died. i've seen both ends of the spectrum. my grandma had a beautiful life and when she let go, it was only after 99 years of love and charity. i found that sometimes life let's people down. it gets rough, and sometimes people aren't strong enough to push through anymore.

i think the biggest lesson i learned was about love and human kindness. people always surprise  you. impossible situations become possible, and at the end of the day we're all just humans. we struggle. we laugh. we cry. we hope. we dream. we fear. we love. we all just crave acceptance. and when you look past things that don't matter like race, gender, and sexuality,  you find souls that are worth loving. and when you realize those things, you find that you can love unconditionally.

utah won't be the same. i know that already. utah has changed, i'm sure. and i've changed. i don't look the same, and the girl who's returning to utah definitely isn't the one who left six months ago. i'm a little more jaded and cynical, a little more realistic, a little more serious, but still just as quirky, and definitely more confident. and though it probably sounds kind of crazy right after the words jaded and cynical, i think i'm also a little more hopeful towards love and happiness. i've just realized where you can't find those things. it's absolutely not in the vicious little circle i've been trying to force over the past couple years...

so, here's to coming home. here's to another new adventure. here's to home, wherever that may be. here's to change, and being able to give up. it's been a wonderful ride, Denver, and i'm sad to see it end, but i'm sure this isn't the end for us...