oh, you know....the usual.

i had a job interview yesterday with a company that is pretty amazing. the pay was great, the job was great. it would have been perfect.

but when the boss lady called to offer me the job, my heart kind of dropped.
and that's when i knew it was a probably a bad idea to stay in Denver.

my heart definitely hasn't been here in awhile. i tried to make it work after things fell apart with Handy Manny, but this wasn't ever my home. i moved here for him and he broke my heart. i tried to stay here for me and couldn't find any reason good enough.

i'll miss Denver and the friends i've made here.
Sarah, Deshon, Amy/Justin/Zeuss, and Caryn, to name a few.
 i'll absolutely be back to visit, and this city definitely has a place in my heart.

but it's not my home and i need to do me for a bit.

i need to go back to school.
i need to find my happy place again.
i need to be closer to my mom and my cute grandmas, my little bff, Jordan, my dad, Nick, and Kegan. (this name thing could take a bit...) and James, my very best, of course. and Hollie, who is pregnant!!!

i've learned so much by having this adventure.

i learned about relationships. what it takes to make them work, and the things that i need to be happy. i thought i found it, only to realize i deserve so much more. then i found an incredible guy who was all i wanted and then some, only to find that sometimes the feeling isn't that mutual and little things like age can keep people apart if both people aren't willing to make things work in spite of the challenges.
i would have stayed for him...so i'm glad he knew me a little better than i knew myself and in a way, really let me go...i told him and myself that i was staying for me, but i think he knew better.

i don't need a man to support me or take care of me. i've got that taken care of. i want someone to love me, to help me chase my dreams, and to have the most passionate, beautiful relationship the world has ever seen. i also realized i'm young. i'm absolutely a spinster in the Utah dating world where girls are married off and making babies at 18, but it's okay that my path is different. i've gotta trust that my One is out there, and we'll find each other when we're both ready.

i learned about myself. moving here was by far the hardest thing i've ever done. financially it was a risk. there were times i really didn't know if i was going to be able to make it work, but i also learned i'm not a quitter. when things got hard, i worked harder. failing wasn't an option for me, and i made it work. i dug really deep and realized i'm a strong, capable woman.

i learned about the fragility of human life. since being here i've had two close friends pass away. my Great Grandma Harris died. i've seen both ends of the spectrum. my grandma had a beautiful life and when she let go, it was only after 99 years of love and charity. i found that sometimes life let's people down. it gets rough, and sometimes people aren't strong enough to push through anymore.

i think the biggest lesson i learned was about love and human kindness. people always surprise  you. impossible situations become possible, and at the end of the day we're all just humans. we struggle. we laugh. we cry. we hope. we dream. we fear. we love. we all just crave acceptance. and when you look past things that don't matter like race, gender, and sexuality,  you find souls that are worth loving. and when you realize those things, you find that you can love unconditionally.

utah won't be the same. i know that already. utah has changed, i'm sure. and i've changed. i don't look the same, and the girl who's returning to utah definitely isn't the one who left six months ago. i'm a little more jaded and cynical, a little more realistic, a little more serious, but still just as quirky, and definitely more confident. and though it probably sounds kind of crazy right after the words jaded and cynical, i think i'm also a little more hopeful towards love and happiness. i've just realized where you can't find those things. it's absolutely not in the vicious little circle i've been trying to force over the past couple years...

so, here's to coming home. here's to another new adventure. here's to home, wherever that may be. here's to change, and being able to give up. it's been a wonderful ride, Denver, and i'm sad to see it end, but i'm sure this isn't the end for us...

Day One...

yes. i rocked today...
i completely hate my face in that picture, so...everything but the face will have to work.
i think there needs to be a picture every day. to keep me extra honest.

my bike ride today was rough. it was freezing outside. and soooo windy. i need a scarf, for sure!

right now i'm watching friends with benefits. one of my favorite movies ever.
thinking about how i need to be in bed, and absolutely not making any effort to actually go to bed.

also, can't get my mind off Maximus, as always.

 i scored some sweet puppy swag for him last week. so spoiled already....

this was him, ready for bed last night. my grandma is a rock star and sends me pics.
i can have him in two or three weeks. i am the most thrilled human ever!!!

sooo....i'm in a bad mood all of a sudden. that probably means it's bedtime. so, until tomorrow, aka day two. i'm already 3% of the way done with my 30 days.

30 days of healthy.

i lost 30 pounds this year.
THIRTY! that's pretty incredible.
then i gained back six.
which i'm loathing.

the past month has been so hard for so many reasons.
my great-grandma passed away.
i moved.
my best friend is no longer in my life.
i traveled home a couple times.
wrecks. parking tickets. panic attacks.

i've been feeling like i don't know what my next step in life should be.
in a lot of ways, i kind of gave up.
on a lot of things.
i have been a complete and utter wreck.

but there were some amazing things that also happened.
i met the little love of my life.
This is Maximus:

he's turning into quite the little fatty.

and i'm obsessed with him.

he'll be with me in just two weeks. i can't wait! :)

i went on a bike ride last thursday.
i wasn't going to go, but i woke up early and figured i might as well.
it was SOOOO hard.
hardest bike ride ever, possibly.
until i realized i deserve it. i deserve to be happy and healthy.
i owe it to myself to be the best i can possibly be.
and that includes being healthy.

i got told at the beginning of this year that i can't be a runner.
i have a bad back. and running is excruciating.
but, i still think i may want to be a runner.
i'm thinking i want to get in a half marathon.

training for a half will suck, probably. until my back can get used to the high impact, i'll probably hate it.
but i want to try.
i want to take some dance classes.
and some spin classes. and more yoga, obviously.

i want to see how eating completely healthy for awhile affects me.
probably it will do wonders. but i just want to test it out.
i've NEVER been a super healthy person.

but i want to. i NEED to. and i can. how hard could it be?
so, tomorrow will begin the 30 days of healthy.
i'm sure that will turn into way way way more days of healthy, but i have to start somewhere.
no fast food. no processed food. just yummy, healthy food.
and no capri sun. that might be my hard part. however, juice and smoothies will suffice, i hope.

normal bedtime and plenty of sleep. a schedule. a boring, set schedule. so i know exactly what i should be doing and when i should be doing it. less being lazy on the couch with Zeuss.

bike rides. yoga. dancing. and i want to learn how to swim. (probably won't happen this month...)
but i can exercise monday through friday for a month.
i like to work out. and i need to use as much outside time as possible before it's time to put away my bike for the winter.

and you better believe this whole thing is getting documented. my blog will keep me honest.
i'm ready for this. i'm ready to change my own life. to work for something, to remind myself that i'm worth so much more than i've been settling for lately. especially this past year.

and there's this guy i like. who knows where things will go? but i'm testing it out. he's sweet and good. and he deserves someone who is sweet and good too. he's a little gun shy when it comes to me. i can't blame him. i would be too. and that isn't okay with me. i want to be someone who is completely happy and content within my own skin, someone who respects myself enough to say no to bad things, and to have enough patience to wait for the good things.
i've been a monster for awhile.
it's time to grow up a little. to stop complaining, and just to embrace things as they come, good and bad. because those things make me who i am.

it's time to shine. and you can be absolutely sure i'm going to blind the haters...

The meaning of life...

Tonight at work, I helped a mother and daughter get one of their cable boxes working. Super easy normally, but this box was just not working.

Finally, I decided to try one last thing and it worked. After all the problems w: had with it, we were all really excited when it worked.

After asking if I could help them with anything else, the mother said, "Yes, actually. Can you tell us the secret of life?"

Obviously, this caught me off guard, as anyone who knows me knows that I'm probably the one person on earth who will never figure it out...

After thinking about it for a second, I went with what came to mind. I told her, "I think the secret is to learn how to smile through all of the chaos that life throws at you."

That feels right to me right now...I've had such a crazy year.
I moved to Denver.
I discovered the cause of my back pain.
I had my heart broken.
I lost my great-grandma, Dorella.
I'm buying a puppy who captured my heart the moment we met.

And I've decided to stay in Denver. I'm going to stick it out, even though it would be easier to leave. I'm going to keep digging deep within myself to learn what it means to keep going. I'm not giving up.

I'm going to keep breathing.
And I'm going to embrace everything that life throws my way.

I'm going to fight for what I want.
And if i go down, it will be kicking and screaming.

i fell on my head...

literally.
i leaned back too far on my grandma's porch swing and fell right on my head.
it super hurt my neck, and the bump i'm rocking...there aren't words.
but my perma-headache isn't as bad as it was yesterday.

and i'm still smiling.

yesterday was hard. saying good-bye to my Grandma Harris was hard.
she was an amazing, amazing lady. no one in the entire world was as good as her.

now i'm off to see my baby, Maximus. he's absolutely my soulmate.
and i've been waiting ALL DAY for my mom so we can go! :)

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

that's how happy my little guy makes me.

obviously i'll post a million pictures.