the letter i didn't think i could write...

Israel,
you know...we met just under a year ago. in fact, i think we'll have met a year ago this week. it's been a pretty crazy year for us both. a lot of changes, both good and bad. basically it comes down to me letting myself get caught up in things i didn't truly want. i can't let you have that control over me anymore, control you probably didn't know you had.
for the record, i'm glad i got to know you in the small ways you bothered to let me get to know you. i know i tried my hardest to help you, though most of that went ignored. we could have had something incredible, but you would have had to want it in order for that to have happened.
i don't regret any of it, and i'm sure i'll look back on this, at the struggles, the lessons, sometimes the laughs, and smile a little. i know you'll be okay. like me, you're a survivor no matter what gets thrown your way.
i've had a lot of weird things happen in my life recently, most things i've never felt i could talk to you about, which is unfortunate. in any case, i wish you the best. i hope you move on and find things to fill your life with that leave you smiling and genuinely happy. i wish the same thing for myself, which is what's brought me to this point.
i want more for my life than what i've been allowing myself by keeping you in my life. i will mourn what might have been, for a time. then i will pick myself up, create a life outside of us and what we've been doing and i'm sure it will be rewarding in other ways.
thanks for the lessons. thanks for the friendship, though it was strange to say the least. if we cross paths again, i'll smile at you and ask how you've been, but i don't think you'll won't really recognize me then, because i'll be stronger, the woman i was meant to be all along.
they say, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." I haven't found the sweetness yet, but i think it's bound to head my way eventually.
Goodbye Israel.

Jaycie

*moments after writing this, i blocked him on facebook. i blocked him for Wallice too. i blocked his number. then i deleted it. just so i wouldn't be able to turn back.

hannah blog.

you mean something like this?

the day of good intentions and little else...

today was going to be great.
i wrote up a list last night of all the things i wanted to do today.

i didn't wake up by nine. i woke up at 12:41 p.m. i was going to go to bed around ten last night, but i went dancing with kyle the roommate and Tim #1, the anti-roommate. Then we came back to talk so i didn't go to bed until 3:00. yes. i got almost ten hours of uninterrupted sleep. ridiculous, i know.

i didn't make breakfast. i had a bowl of rice chex. followed by scrambled eggs and cheese. followed by part of Codi's Cafe Rio Salad. delicious.

i didn't clean my bathroom. in fact, other than to pee, i didn't even step inside the bathroom.

did i take a shower? nope. did i get dressed? nope. in fact, i'm still wearing the same thing i slept in/put on shortly after waking up.

i didn't return the doorknob. but i did take it off and put it nicely in the box so i can return it whenever i feel like it. so that's halfway done. and now there is most certainly a hole where a doorknob will need to go.

i was going to finish Blue Like Jazz. then a spider was running across the floor, so i picked up my book and killed the spider with it. the book has spider guts on it now. oBviously i can't finish it...

i was going to wash my car. but then i didn't want to walk more than 100 feet from my front door. it's probably going to rain this week anyways. i CLEANED OUT my car. the hot guys who live on the corner probably appreciated that i didn't put on pants to accomplish this endeavor. i know this because i heard a few whistles.

grocery shopping. no one even  likes grocery shopping. i can live off Go-Gurt, scrambled eggs, and Mac&Cheese for a few more days. easy. (i actually really love to go grocery shopping. but mostly i only like to go at odd hours. like two in the morning.)

is it a surprise blog stalking is the only thing crossed off my list? no, and i feel no need to rationalize this.

Burn Notice. i actually might start this right now. and perhaps the main character and i might befriend each other so i have a new friend? okay, yes. i'm in.

moral to the story of today, the Day of Good Intentions and Little Else: don't make to-do lists because there's no way any of that crap will get done anyways. amen

***that amen was premature.
 to all my salt lake lovers: hit up yo gurl. i can't have many more days like today. people are going to start thinking i need some serious help. last thing i need is to get sent to the loony bin.  that would really just cramp my style at this point...

i think winter is not my best time of year...

today, the world was GORGEOUS outside!

it made me soooo excited for spring.

i have some pretty huge plans for the spring.

you see, i have a yard.

it's a sad, sad excuse for a yard, however.

allow me to show you what i mean:

 this shall be my art project for a few months... obviously there will be a need for some serious clean-up. i'll need some more grass seeds. some flowers. some stepping stones. some beauty. you know the drill.

you can't see it from the picture, but the numbers of our apartment are these super lame stickers that spell 1536. i'm going to take them off and put metal ones on the space between the door and the smaller window, above that bush. it seems like a more classy option.

i'm also going to paint the door. perhaps just white again. but better than it currently is. the door is nast. they painted it with brushes. you can see black paint through the strokes from the brush. i'll clean it up and make it cuter. maybe i need a red door. or a green door. it will be better, whatever the case.

 this shall be cleaned. perhaps i'll do an acid wash or something to get rid of the stains on the cement and give it a fun, weathered look. 

the blocks here must go. or at the very least taken out and placed more artfully...

add a couple lawn chairs, a little table, and perhaps a flower box under the window and it should be pretty cute.

 i'm thinking a whole bunch of cute little flowers along there. or maybe a little herb garden. obviously only by my house. if the other three apartments want flowers or herbs, they can plant their own. i'm thinking flower boxes will be a must for all the windows. perhaps even shutters! 

 those are logs and cider blocks. they will surely be removed. perhaps i'll use the blocks that are currently around the patio area as a way to separate grass and yard from flowerbed. perhaps i will plant a tree. there will definitely be flowers, hence the title "flower bed."

people always walk on the grass here. i'm thinking some serious clean-up of branches and leaves, a pressure wash to get the gunk out of the curb, and some cute little stepping stones will make this more tolerable.

just you wait...a couple months from now i'm going to have such a cute little house and yard!

it started with the milk jug....

this morning i was starving.
because i forgot to eat last night.

i opened the fridge and saw just enough milk for a bowl of cereal left over from last week's jug.
perfect!
i decided it might have been in there a little while.
so i looked at the expiration date.
3/3/11.

freeze.
that's his birthday.
and he's locked up this year.

work was long and tedious.
the 'check engine' light still aglow.
so i decided to get it checked out.

guy number one:
P0008. the 8 looked like a B.
as an eight, my car is expoding soon. as a B, the light is defective.
it's probably an 8. because that's my luck.
he'd never seen a code like that before.

so i went to find guy number two:
P0008. my car is definitely exploding.
"do you have a mechanic you completely trust to fix your car?"

freeze.
he used to be my go-to mechanic.
he taught me how to change my oil. and the lights.

me: "yes. but he's in prison now..."
my brain didn't register his reply as i walked out the door.

i need to quit having days like this.
i don't want him to cross my mind.
i don't want to see him in other people.
i don't want to miss him, in the weird way that i do.
he hurt me.

i guess the only solution is to have better milk cartons...