i think winter is not my best time of year...

today, the world was GORGEOUS outside!

it made me soooo excited for spring.

i have some pretty huge plans for the spring.

you see, i have a yard.

it's a sad, sad excuse for a yard, however.

allow me to show you what i mean:

 this shall be my art project for a few months... obviously there will be a need for some serious clean-up. i'll need some more grass seeds. some flowers. some stepping stones. some beauty. you know the drill.

you can't see it from the picture, but the numbers of our apartment are these super lame stickers that spell 1536. i'm going to take them off and put metal ones on the space between the door and the smaller window, above that bush. it seems like a more classy option.

i'm also going to paint the door. perhaps just white again. but better than it currently is. the door is nast. they painted it with brushes. you can see black paint through the strokes from the brush. i'll clean it up and make it cuter. maybe i need a red door. or a green door. it will be better, whatever the case.

 this shall be cleaned. perhaps i'll do an acid wash or something to get rid of the stains on the cement and give it a fun, weathered look. 

the blocks here must go. or at the very least taken out and placed more artfully...

add a couple lawn chairs, a little table, and perhaps a flower box under the window and it should be pretty cute.

 i'm thinking a whole bunch of cute little flowers along there. or maybe a little herb garden. obviously only by my house. if the other three apartments want flowers or herbs, they can plant their own. i'm thinking flower boxes will be a must for all the windows. perhaps even shutters! 

 those are logs and cider blocks. they will surely be removed. perhaps i'll use the blocks that are currently around the patio area as a way to separate grass and yard from flowerbed. perhaps i will plant a tree. there will definitely be flowers, hence the title "flower bed."

people always walk on the grass here. i'm thinking some serious clean-up of branches and leaves, a pressure wash to get the gunk out of the curb, and some cute little stepping stones will make this more tolerable.

just you wait...a couple months from now i'm going to have such a cute little house and yard!

it started with the milk jug....

this morning i was starving.
because i forgot to eat last night.

i opened the fridge and saw just enough milk for a bowl of cereal left over from last week's jug.
perfect!
i decided it might have been in there a little while.
so i looked at the expiration date.
3/3/11.

freeze.
that's his birthday.
and he's locked up this year.

work was long and tedious.
the 'check engine' light still aglow.
so i decided to get it checked out.

guy number one:
P0008. the 8 looked like a B.
as an eight, my car is expoding soon. as a B, the light is defective.
it's probably an 8. because that's my luck.
he'd never seen a code like that before.

so i went to find guy number two:
P0008. my car is definitely exploding.
"do you have a mechanic you completely trust to fix your car?"

freeze.
he used to be my go-to mechanic.
he taught me how to change my oil. and the lights.

me: "yes. but he's in prison now..."
my brain didn't register his reply as i walked out the door.

i need to quit having days like this.
i don't want him to cross my mind.
i don't want to see him in other people.
i don't want to miss him, in the weird way that i do.
he hurt me.

i guess the only solution is to have better milk cartons...

peach iced tea...

is my favorite beverage this week.

diet coke with lemon doesn't come close.

if you take the garbage out barefoot, the smokin' neighbors will pause from taking a drag from their cigarettes in order to catcall. ew.

if you pour smoke-smell getter-outer down the vents, it will kind of work.

how many days can you go without showering? unknown. and i might just be wanting to find out...

i'm not an alcoholic. but there's something for me in the AA meetings as an addict of a different variety. all i know, is that sitting in a smoke filled room, surrounded by people at least ten or fifteen years my senior, i felt acceptance for the first time in a long time. i felt a little hope. a little heartbreak. and beyond honored to sit and hear stories of people like me, people who are simply trying. 

 

i'm missing Elder Mitchell Brown. he's in canada on a mission. i should probably send the kid a letter. we spent a lot of time making artwork, he and i.

church with James, my bestest, was definitely good for my soul yesterday. even though the tomato basil ravioli should not have been mixed with cream of potato at the linger-longer.

there is nothing sexier than a teddy bear in a sweater vest. 

i know, sometimes you get carried away with how deep i am, how wise, how inspired. and then i talk about my Wallice bear and you're reminded that i'm six. it's whate'er. 

thoughts of the day.

who freakin' breaks into cars? stealing is the one thing i never really understood.
granted, it's like a given that i'm going to steal my sister's clothes and make-up and jewelry.
and dishes from my mom.
and tools from my dad.
but to break into someone's vehicle? it's just low...
and yet, perhaps the person who broke into my car was poor and needed to feed their baby.
how could i be mad then?

i'm disappointed.
i stalked out my brother on facebook and noticed he's friends with several people who tormented me in high school and that entire time period of my life when i was just not okay.
i don't understand the shallowness there. of them. and of everyone in general.
do people really fear getting involved so much that they'll befriend each other and do nothing deeper than party, eat together, watch movies, and practice making babies.
they don't talk. they just absorb themselves in the shallow things that don't mean a thing.
so i'm disappointed. and hoping that i'm nothing like them, knowing that i probably am.

i'm feeling hurt and betrayed.
i had a few of my closest, most dear friends walk away the past couple weeks.
i realize i said things that caused this. yet...in the deepest part of my soul, i would not have walked away from someone like me. whether it killed me or not, i would have stuck around, trying to encourage, to help, to lift them.
it hurts to know that i chose to associate myself with people who wouldn't go to hell and back for me over and over again. they chose judgements and "tough love" as the way to approach me.
does that work? obviously it does not. want some proof? look at me.
both friends who walked away made the point that trying to help me would never work because i didn't want help. i'll be honest. i didn't. but i didn't ask them to help me either....the question, "how do i fix my life?" never meant, "Please fix my life."
how that was misunderstood, i do not know.

you know in Titanic, after they get rescued and everything? and Rose is standing there. it's like sixteen seconds before she finds the diamond in her pocket. and she just looks frozen and heartbroken?
i feel like that's probably how i look. but unlike Hollywood, it doesn't look that great on me.

i am the definition of cynic. there is perhaps, 2% of my heart that hopes for things.
yet, i don't ever let that 2% have a say in what goes on. the few times i've hoped for things, like REALLY hoped for things, they didn't go well for me.
so i don't hope for things anymore. it's like admitting that i want something.
and when that doesn't work out, i'm always crushed.
it's easier to expect the worse. that way i'm never disappointed.

i don't have plans. and i don't know what i want or where i'm going.
it's complicated. that's all there is too it.

other things on my mind today:
i'm the common denominator. so i guess that makes me the obviously problem.
there's a spot on my back that's been hurting and getting worse.
i've been overly tired and just having that, "I can't pinpoint it, but something is wrong with me."
Tiernan, my little brother absolutely rocks at singing and dancing. his play was amazing. i'll write about that later. because it deserves its own blog.
i would like new shoes. and considerate roommates.
i don't feel like i belong anywhere right now. i have people who love and accept me, no matter what. just nothing feels right.
i just want life to be less complicated.
i want to feel safe.
and like i'm not an alien.

anyways, i'm sorry to be so confusing and down and sad and stuff. it's just where i'm at today. and i guess in that regard, where i'm at a lot of days.

dinner for one wednesday...

it's wednesday....not exactly sure where i lost tuesday, but it definitely went missing.

i'm not complaining though.

remember how rockin' monday was?

it was only fitting that it be followed by a long, forgotten tuesday.

and a very wretched wednesday.

i finally had The Breakdown though, which i suppose is okay.

i have this pattern i go through.

i'm okay for a few weeks.

or even a few months.

and nothing really gets me down.

and all the bad things that happen pile up.

and i acknowledge them a little, but i just shrug them off and i'm okay.

but then, eventually, there is a meltdown.

all of the little things turn into a big monster. and we don't get along.

today it was triggered by a to-do list at work that seemed next to impossible.

of course, it was possible. i just had to work late in order to get it all done.

i'm not sure why i was in such a rush to leave. no one besides Loneliness waits for me at home.

i really don't mean to sound cynical and sad.

since deciding i wanted more in life than cheap sex and a Godless life,

my prospects have disappeared.

i suppose it's okay to be alone, if it means you're being good.
i'm just lonely and wishin' i had a friend.

brownies are good and all, but it would be so much sweeter to share...