21 things to do before i'm 21...

i have a bucket list. i do.

only thing is, it's kinda sorta hidden in my mind...

and on this list are important, cliché things

like

"change a life"

and

"love someone it would be easier to hate"

and there are quirky, jaycie-esque ones

like

"have sex in the wild"

and

"only order dessert in a 5-star restaurant"

but, recently i've been thinkin'. i don't want a bucket list.

because it might take forever to die and i wanna do stuff Now!

so i've decided to compile a list, right this minute, of twenty-one things i will do

(or at least try to do)

before i turn 21! naturally, i'll document them all for you! :)

1. lose 21 pounds.

although, if this only ends up being 2.1 pounds, i might be okay with that.

2. take silly photos in a photobooth with my bff Brandon the very Larsen.

3. go fishin'.

i've never been fishing, but i've always wanted to!

4. have a hobo roadtrip

and spend a night in the Redwood Forest!

5. kiss a complete stranger.

6. eat squab.

i don't know what "squab" is, but i'm sooo tryin' it.

they talk about it on the Food Network all the time.

7. successfully complete

p90x.

(in the designated 90 days.)

8. be a rebel and get a real tattoo.

okay, a real henna tattoo....

9. buy a cactus and watch that sucker grow.

no way is that thing dyin' on my watch!

10. take or be in a picture every day for an entire month.

just to remember the days between.

11. gulp. go on 21 dates...

(i have a feeling i'll come to regret this one...)

12. spend the summer of '11 in a far away place...

working, adventuring, etc.

13. volunteer in a soup kitchen.

14. find the perfect pair of jeans

and buy them without batting an eyelash.

15. trade in facebook for the self-realization and peace

that comes through the practice of zen...this shall occur for just ONE month.

16. get a kit and learn how to make balloon animals.

17. have an Oscar Meyer Weiner-mobile experience....

preferably ride in it, but i'll settle for just a pic.

18. go to the ocean and play with REAL sea stars in the tide pools!

(they are my favorite animal of course!)

19. for those of you who are cache valley natives,

you'll know what i mean by saying i shall

Clean The Sink

by myself!

20. ride on a San Francisco trolley while hangin' off the back and singing the

Rice-A-Roni theme song....

21. it is my wildest dream to be a contestant on:

okay, now that we've got that sorted out...i better get started! :)

just some thoughts.

life is….fleeting.

yes, fleeting is a good word for it.

hard as I try, I can’t grasp it.

and it flows along, paying little attention to one like me.

I’ve been having an internal struggle lately.

a life crisis, if you will.

I can’t decide what I want from life.

so I settle for the easy things, the meaningless things.

but they aren’t easy, and are rarely meaningless.

I feel selfish and vain.

I live a life full of small luxuries

in a world where others constantly suffer

at the hands of people

more power hungry and callous than I can even imagine.

I’m struggling with the world, and I don’t understand, can’t make sense of this mess….

how can a place this beautiful be filled to the brim

with things like murder, lies, rape? Suicide? Theft? Genocide? Callousness? Anger? Hurt?

Families are broken beyond repair.

Lovers leave.

Best friends betray.

People lie.

Maybe I’m just too sensitive.

It’s hard for me to go places and not find myself touched by everyone around me.

a mother consoling her child.

a husband winking at his wife over the chaos of their small children.

a little old couple, holding hands, oblivious to the world.

I’m sensitive.

More sensitive than I’d like to admit.

I feel everything.

Very little escapes my awareness, and I remember most everything.

I hide behind smiles and laughs, hoping that people will see beyond the Crazy and try to get a glimpse of the Jaycie.

She’s great.

And she’s been through a lot.

But that rarely stops people from judging, saying harsh words, avoiding because it’s easier that way.

sometimes I wish I didn’t feel.

It would certainly be easier that way.

but then I’d be no better than everything I don’t like in the world.

maybe the world needs more me.

more love, more smiles, more laughs, more Crazy.

a little more hope in a world where apathy is embraced.

a little more gentleness.

a little more courage.

a little less hate.

a little more love.

a little more fun.

it’s fleeting. flying. sliding by….

it’s a broken, wretched, beautiful life.

i like the rain...

i often come across as someone who can handle a lot.

in truth, i can.

i'm a strong, little hobbit of a girl.

but like everyone else, i have hard moments too.

i love the rain, especially on days like today.

it reminds me to slow down, to breathe in every moment-good or bad.

i really love the rain if i have an umbrella to keep me dry.

i often feel like this guy:

at the risk of sounding self-absorbed

i'm going to say that my life's been hard. the rain sure loves to pour down on me.

i've been through things

i would never wish on my worst enemy.

my past is filled with monsters, the touch of bad men.

the pain of addictions. of being alone....

but they are things that have shaped me.

perhaps that's why i'm so drawn to happy things.

bright things.

cheerful things.

i never leave the house without bubbles and silly putty.

just in case i need to play a little.

it's been almost three years,

but i can still see the hurt when i look into

my eyes.

i don't think it will ever fully depart.
strangely though, i'm okay with the reality of it.
it's brought me here. to this place. in this moment.

though the path alone is dark and chilling,
i know it's better than where i used to be.
why? you may ask.
well, i'll tell you. it's because he's not here.

my darkest hour is considerably brighter
because he's not here anymore.

I’m currently at a weird place in my life.

I feel like so much is falling apart while a lot is also falling into place.

I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm.

Everything around me is calm,

but I can see the destruction heading my way

—past, present, and future—

most of which I’ve brought on myself.

My life is something. It’s beautiful and ugly.

I’ve touched people’s lives and I’ve offended a few more.

I make messes out of everything, but on occasion I’m pretty good at cleaning them up.

I laugh and I cry.

I use too many clichés, exaggerate a little

(p.s. that’s a litotes)

and I get stuff wrong.

i like the rain.

maybe that means i don't mind being broken.

but if i'm broken, then there's always something

to fix.

so, i hope it rains.

rain makes things beautiful.

and i want to be beautiful.

jayc

changin' oil...

today i learned how to change the oil in my car, Gerard.
this was at the expense of my $160 designer jeans...

everything was going great, at first.
we got right in there and took care of business!
in fact, there were no problems
until
we were nearly finished!

we'd already let the oil pan diarrhea-leak all it's fluids.
we took off the old filter.
we filled the new one up 3/4 of the way with oil.
we even put a little on the top before we put it on. they call it a gasket.
(and if you don't do that, it'll get real hot, weld on, and won't come off easy.)

we were basically done, so my brother told me to back down
off the ramps.
so i climbed in my car and put it in reverse.
HELL broke loose....

my car fell off the ramp-thingy
containing my right tire.
so my brother yells, "release the Park Brake!"

excuse me?

who actually uses the park brake?!
not this girl!

i look up and both McCade and Jordan are screaming at me.

i panic. so McCade kicks me out.
(i just stood next to my car, baffled....)
he puts my car in reverse himself.
but he didn't release the park brake either...
so the other tire falls off.

let's back up.

my car fell off the ramp-thingy
containing my right tire.
so my brother yells, "release the Park Brake!"
turns out when my right tire fell off,
the oil bucket was thrown two feet, where it
connected
with my father's toolbox,
spewing dirty, black oil all over the whole thing.

and all over the floor...

apparently when i make a mess,
i make a BIG mess!

so, here i am.
sitting in the mess, cleaning it all up.

i went through
two
rolls of paper towels.
a pile of saw dust.
and an entire bag of kitty litter.
i'm still not sure my dad has seen the mess.

but i'm sure when he does, i'll be killed.

but anything he does to me won't compare to the
agony
of ruining my jeans...

secretly....i'll admit it.

i am a lonely human.

ever since i was eleven or twelve,
i've read my fair share of romance novels.

i'm a sucker for a happy ending.
i love everything about romance:
kissing, hugging, cuddling, laughing, learning.

i can't wait to be married and do married things.
like:
cooking. cleaning. waiting at the door with a kiss.
having babies. painting bedrooms.
kissing away hurts. applyign band-aids.
be boring. grocery shopping.
going to bed early.

but, to my dismay, i have no prospects.
guys don't acknowledge me.
i'm just the loud, crazy girl. with the funny hair.
i'm the best friend.
one of the guys....

i don't like being those things.

i want to be a princess.
a lover. sometimes a hater.
i want to be kissed, carried, and snuggled.

but guys don't see me in those ways.
i'm one in a million.
i hope that's not something negative.

i won't change to meet a guy.
i'm jaycie. plain and simple.
i bite. i pretend to be stealthy.

i just dance the way i feel.
i just hope that's enough...