namaste, and thoughts on my body.

first of all, a funny:

Namaste [nah-muh-stey] A really slacker way of saying "Nah, I'm gonna stay". 1: Yo, you gonna come with us to Tony's afterparty? 2: Namaste.

no idea why that made me laugh so hard, but seriously funny!

now, for real, a post on my body stuff...
i, Jaycie Leishman, am a little bit of a lazy, super fatty.
i got into a really good groove last year of working out often, riding my bike a ton, and eating better.
i lost 30 pounds. then i moved home, life got crazy, and i gave up. and i gained back about 15 pounds of that 30. soooo discouraging. which made things worse, of course. then i found a sit-down always job, which led me to be way less active. i got lazy. i did NOTHING for my body.

now, i always have had a bad back. well, at least for the last year. i worked out in spite of it, and it really seemed to be getting better. then i stopped. and not only did all the progress i made disappear, my body got worse. my back has been in a constant state of pain for the better part of the last two or three months.

i lost all flexibility in my body, it seems like. i lost a lot of muscle and strength.
it has gotten to the point where i can barely sit up without something behind me without causing incredible pain in my back, both from the lack of core strength and because of how tight my spine is.

i'm not okay with this.

so, a few days ago, i went to the gym. i took a yoga class and signed up on the spot. $20/month is a small price to pay for my life back, i think.

the first class was good. it was a little tiny taste of what i've been missing. it reminded me why i really love to workout.
the second day...not so good. i was so discouraged when i left. there was a girl in class who was bending like a pretzel. i barely bend at all, which made me so sad. i had a bad day because of it. i let someone else's progress get in the way of my own.
today, day three, went much better. i had a very productive day and went to the gym in a great mood. instead of focusing on the other people there, i focused on myself. i listened to my body, and i pushed myself a little harder. and i was rewarded with a little bit of progress. my hips, legs, and spine are starting to loosen up. i can sit up without aid with no help and way less pain. i'm getting there.

at the end of every yoga class, everyone says, "Namaste."
The real meaning and definition varies person to person. Some people believe it means one thing, others think it means something else entirely. Basically it means, "The light in me recognizes and celebrates the light in you."

Tonight at yoga, the sweet little instructor, Lauren, said, "The light, love, and purity within me recognizes the light, love, and purity in you."
I don't know why that struck me like it did, but talk about a tear-jerker! I cried a little. Okay...a lot.

Namaste, the core of all yoga is so simple, but the complexity and deepness of it is very awe-inspiring.

for me, tonight, it was a reminder that within myself there is light. I shine so very bright, and the ONLY person who can put that light out is me. on that same note, I can add a little gas, shine a little brighter, and be a force for good.
within me there is love. so much love, not only for myself, but for those around me. it was a reminder that i am love. on my very best day, i'm happy not because of the things that happen to me, but because of the love i've been able to give. when i'm sharing parts of myself, no matter how small, i am always a happier person.
within me there is purity. sometimes i let the little things build and build until it seems like there is no purity. but really, i'm a sensitive little soul. things really get to me. i'm not a malicious person. i'm not a negative person. i'm a very happy, hopeful, sweet, caring human. and though i may not seem particularly good to some, i am a good girl. i have a very pure heart and generally speaking, my intentions mirror that.

those are things i've been forgetting lately. i've been very hard on myself. i constantly scrutinize my body, my face, my hair, my wardrobe, everything in my life. i look at it, judge it, and decide that it isn't good enough.
it's negatively impacting my marriage, my self-worth...my entire life, really.
that isn't okay with me.

so, i will be patient with myself. i will have a no-excuses outlook and will go to the gym every day and try to make good food choices. i will be gentle with my heart and soul when i come up short, and won't give up over a few bad days like i have in the past.

so for now, there are a few things i will try to remember every day:
my life will not change if my daily habits stay the same.
if i'm still in my comfort zone, i'm still warming up.
i will be fearless, start to finish.
amazing people don't just happen. there is work involved.
there is very little i can gain without any pain.
a mile is a mile, no matter how long it takes. and i'm absolutely lapping everyone sitting on the couch.
a 1-hour workout is only 7% of my waking hours. i can bust my butt for 7% of my day!
every little step i make gets me closer to my goal.
feeling better will be be my initial reward. eventually the pounds will fall off, my body will look better, and i'll reach my goals, but for now, simply feeling better will be enough.

mostly, it comes down to this one thing: i work soooo hard at everything else i do in my life. why wouldn't i work that hard or harder for myself. i'm beautiful, amazing, and i can do hard things, because i'm absolutely worth it.

blog funk...

i'm in a funk. a serious one.
i don't want to post about my life because it's boring.
all i do is watch Grey's anatomy, sew quilts, and paint my nails.

i joined a gym today. (monday.)
i'm totes going to yoga at 10. or spin at 11. maybe both. we will see.
green smoothies have captured my heart. maybe i'll post my top-secret recipe.

Easter is this weekend. that deserves a post all by itself. i'm sooooo excited!
i should call my mom and grandmas more.
my husband will be home in three days! :)

so, as for this blog funk. please, lovelies, tell me what to write about.
lest you be tormented with nail polish, quilt pictures, and my deep thoughts that come from my obsession with Grey's anatomy...

a lonely weekend.

Andrew's gone for some ARMY stuff. don't ask me anything about that.
i don't have a clue what he does. i just know he's way important. and he's gone.

i miss him. i've only been away from him for 13 or 14 hours or something, but i miss him.
especially since i'm home without him. it's our home and it's very empty without him.

i'm watching grey's anatomy.
i painted my nails and toenails today. in case you paint your nails, get Nicole Drying Drops. (they're amazing.)
i went shopping for all manner of things. i found some monster pj's that my biggest little boy will love.
i compared millions of laundry detergents.
i found a little sample size one that i can use eight times to see if i'll love it. it was only $3. i LOVED that.
i'm absolutely dreading my bed tonight, because they won't be holding Andrew too.

just so you know, the funfetti poptarts or cupcake ones, whatever they're called.
i don't really love them. they taste too much like cake, which freaks me out.
i bought baby spinach and fruits and juice to make healthy smoothies.
i'm afraid of what will happen when i'm out of leftovers, since i don't cook for myself.
i cook for Andrew and our boys.

without them here with me, i might wilt away. so i'll make millions of smoothies.
i'll finish my quilt. maybe i'll make a couple more.
i need to find a job. it'll require some creativity, since i don't want just any other crappy job.
and best of all, i'll drive hours to see my man. he can't come to me, so i'll go to him! :)

i came back to Denver.

the reasons why don't really matter much. i'm okay with saying that is really isn't anyone's business at this point, but i will explain a little.
i prayed about it. i read my scriptures. and unlike the decision i made to leave, which i now think was a little premature, i weighed it out for a few days and considered the pros and cons.
ultimately i feel really great about it. i love Andrew. i always have, and in so many ways he's always been the one. that's not to say that i think i can only be happy with him, that i never would have found love again, etc.

what it really comes down to, is that i didn't want to find someone else. i didn't want to replace the love of my life. i already found him. and i made that decision once. i married this sweet, sweet man, which is a big deal.

if people disagree with that, i'm not concerned. after all, i'm the only person who has to sleep with my choices. i'm sure it'll be hard for us sometimes. i'm not naive in thinking this will be easy. i just know with him by my side, it'll be worth it. it will all work out for us, i have so much faith in that.

for those of you, my amazing readers and friends who have never met Andrew, let me paint a picture of this man i love.

even after i left him, he asked me repeatedly to come back. not out of desperation, not because he needs me to survive, but because he loves me. that may sound like a small thing to some people, but had he been the one who left, i never would have wanted to talk to him again. i never would have let him come back. i wouldn't have wanted him to. we're different in that way.

while i was gone, he not only asked me to come back, he took care of me emotionally. he listened to me cry. he listened to me as i changed my mind several times about staying in utah or coming back to denver. he supported me through all of that, putting my needs above his own. he paid all my bills so i wouldn't have to figure it out myself.

he's an amazing guy, he really is. and in 97 out of 100 ways, he is perfect for me. i like those odds. if i were a gambling woman, which i am not, i would put my chips on us. and here's why: because we love each other. we're determined that love will be enough, and we're both just stubborn enough to make that happen.

i gave up for a little while because i was scared. the future terrifies me, always. i want to know everything that's going to happen. i love to watch movies i've seen a million times. i love to re-read books over and over. in movies i've never seen, i panic for the characters. i stress and stress and stress. Andrew, on the other hand, hates to watch movies over and over. he thrives on the unknown, and though he might not always know how things will work out, he just somehow knows that they will. so, i'm going to let him hold my hand. i'm going to let him reassure me when things get hard, i'm going to tell him my fears and my dreams. i'm going to be his partner in crime and let him be mine.

and from here on out, you won't get all the details, details that should have been between Andrew and I. i'm going to be busy living my life with him in a way that will leave little time for speculating and talking it over with everyone else. i love him, and this commitment i made won't be taken as lightly as i've taken it in the past going forward in the future.

that is all for now! :) with that behind us, let's move on to happier, better things, shall we?

the quickest of updates...or not.

i am sick. not contagious, but i have a hacking cough that would make you run.
my mom is using all manner of essential oils on me, in hopes of curing me. it's not going so well....
if that doesn't work, Monday will be "visit the doctor" day.

i bought some paint. my room has been purple but i need a change.
so i bought paint. it's grey. the name is Vessel Gray. have i ever mentioned how much i love vessels?
probably that goes back to days of ceramics and clay, but those days are not yet over. i promise.
inside my grey room will go happy colors. it'll be a little oasis from the rest of the world.
i even bought fabric to make my own quilt. happy, bright fabrics that will make you swoon.

i've been going back to the basics.
who are my bffs? my family. the mom, dad, jordan, kegan, mcCade, and nicklas.
i've been spending time building puzzles with my grandparents.
my grandma feeds me everything. my grandpa always said, "that is NOT where that goes..." and he's always right. (i am good at puzzles. we do hard ones though, and they require a certain amount of guessing...)
my nails have been neglected and i wear the same clothes a bunch of times a week.

it's old tunes instead of new ones, and comfort food instead of trying out new recipes.
i went to the library. there is a comfort in borrowing books, knowing that my eyes have not been the first, nor will they be the last to read those very same words.
there has been popcorn eating, scary movies at home with the family on friday night, and baked goods.
there's spring in the air, but like always, it will come when it's ready and not a second sooner.

and, like always when i need a place to heal, i've been back at ColdStone.
i'll never be able to express to the owner and management how much it means that they take me back, no questions asked, every time. i've said it a million times before, but this time is the last time. however, this time i have plans to be there for a very long time. it's my one true love, so far.

i cry pretty much every single day, and i really really miss my best friend.
i know that i am in the right place, that i will be okay without him, that this is the best thing for me.
but i still miss him. and i'm letting myself feel that. i think it's terribly important to feel mad when i'm mad, and sad when i'm sad. it's also important to smile too though, and i've been doing some of that as well.

the thing on my mind right now is that this isn't chaos. i'm exactly where i need to be, like this was planned in some way. there's peace that comes with that, a hopeful kind of peaceful sadness that just takes a little extra time.