blog funk...

i'm in a funk. a serious one.
i don't want to post about my life because it's boring.
all i do is watch Grey's anatomy, sew quilts, and paint my nails.

i joined a gym today. (monday.)
i'm totes going to yoga at 10. or spin at 11. maybe both. we will see.
green smoothies have captured my heart. maybe i'll post my top-secret recipe.

Easter is this weekend. that deserves a post all by itself. i'm sooooo excited!
i should call my mom and grandmas more.
my husband will be home in three days! :)

so, as for this blog funk. please, lovelies, tell me what to write about.
lest you be tormented with nail polish, quilt pictures, and my deep thoughts that come from my obsession with Grey's anatomy...

a lonely weekend.

Andrew's gone for some ARMY stuff. don't ask me anything about that.
i don't have a clue what he does. i just know he's way important. and he's gone.

i miss him. i've only been away from him for 13 or 14 hours or something, but i miss him.
especially since i'm home without him. it's our home and it's very empty without him.

i'm watching grey's anatomy.
i painted my nails and toenails today. in case you paint your nails, get Nicole Drying Drops. (they're amazing.)
i went shopping for all manner of things. i found some monster pj's that my biggest little boy will love.
i compared millions of laundry detergents.
i found a little sample size one that i can use eight times to see if i'll love it. it was only $3. i LOVED that.
i'm absolutely dreading my bed tonight, because they won't be holding Andrew too.

just so you know, the funfetti poptarts or cupcake ones, whatever they're called.
i don't really love them. they taste too much like cake, which freaks me out.
i bought baby spinach and fruits and juice to make healthy smoothies.
i'm afraid of what will happen when i'm out of leftovers, since i don't cook for myself.
i cook for Andrew and our boys.

without them here with me, i might wilt away. so i'll make millions of smoothies.
i'll finish my quilt. maybe i'll make a couple more.
i need to find a job. it'll require some creativity, since i don't want just any other crappy job.
and best of all, i'll drive hours to see my man. he can't come to me, so i'll go to him! :)

i came back to Denver.

the reasons why don't really matter much. i'm okay with saying that is really isn't anyone's business at this point, but i will explain a little.
i prayed about it. i read my scriptures. and unlike the decision i made to leave, which i now think was a little premature, i weighed it out for a few days and considered the pros and cons.
ultimately i feel really great about it. i love Andrew. i always have, and in so many ways he's always been the one. that's not to say that i think i can only be happy with him, that i never would have found love again, etc.

what it really comes down to, is that i didn't want to find someone else. i didn't want to replace the love of my life. i already found him. and i made that decision once. i married this sweet, sweet man, which is a big deal.

if people disagree with that, i'm not concerned. after all, i'm the only person who has to sleep with my choices. i'm sure it'll be hard for us sometimes. i'm not naive in thinking this will be easy. i just know with him by my side, it'll be worth it. it will all work out for us, i have so much faith in that.

for those of you, my amazing readers and friends who have never met Andrew, let me paint a picture of this man i love.

even after i left him, he asked me repeatedly to come back. not out of desperation, not because he needs me to survive, but because he loves me. that may sound like a small thing to some people, but had he been the one who left, i never would have wanted to talk to him again. i never would have let him come back. i wouldn't have wanted him to. we're different in that way.

while i was gone, he not only asked me to come back, he took care of me emotionally. he listened to me cry. he listened to me as i changed my mind several times about staying in utah or coming back to denver. he supported me through all of that, putting my needs above his own. he paid all my bills so i wouldn't have to figure it out myself.

he's an amazing guy, he really is. and in 97 out of 100 ways, he is perfect for me. i like those odds. if i were a gambling woman, which i am not, i would put my chips on us. and here's why: because we love each other. we're determined that love will be enough, and we're both just stubborn enough to make that happen.

i gave up for a little while because i was scared. the future terrifies me, always. i want to know everything that's going to happen. i love to watch movies i've seen a million times. i love to re-read books over and over. in movies i've never seen, i panic for the characters. i stress and stress and stress. Andrew, on the other hand, hates to watch movies over and over. he thrives on the unknown, and though he might not always know how things will work out, he just somehow knows that they will. so, i'm going to let him hold my hand. i'm going to let him reassure me when things get hard, i'm going to tell him my fears and my dreams. i'm going to be his partner in crime and let him be mine.

and from here on out, you won't get all the details, details that should have been between Andrew and I. i'm going to be busy living my life with him in a way that will leave little time for speculating and talking it over with everyone else. i love him, and this commitment i made won't be taken as lightly as i've taken it in the past going forward in the future.

that is all for now! :) with that behind us, let's move on to happier, better things, shall we?

the quickest of updates...or not.

i am sick. not contagious, but i have a hacking cough that would make you run.
my mom is using all manner of essential oils on me, in hopes of curing me. it's not going so well....
if that doesn't work, Monday will be "visit the doctor" day.

i bought some paint. my room has been purple but i need a change.
so i bought paint. it's grey. the name is Vessel Gray. have i ever mentioned how much i love vessels?
probably that goes back to days of ceramics and clay, but those days are not yet over. i promise.
inside my grey room will go happy colors. it'll be a little oasis from the rest of the world.
i even bought fabric to make my own quilt. happy, bright fabrics that will make you swoon.

i've been going back to the basics.
who are my bffs? my family. the mom, dad, jordan, kegan, mcCade, and nicklas.
i've been spending time building puzzles with my grandparents.
my grandma feeds me everything. my grandpa always said, "that is NOT where that goes..." and he's always right. (i am good at puzzles. we do hard ones though, and they require a certain amount of guessing...)
my nails have been neglected and i wear the same clothes a bunch of times a week.

it's old tunes instead of new ones, and comfort food instead of trying out new recipes.
i went to the library. there is a comfort in borrowing books, knowing that my eyes have not been the first, nor will they be the last to read those very same words.
there has been popcorn eating, scary movies at home with the family on friday night, and baked goods.
there's spring in the air, but like always, it will come when it's ready and not a second sooner.

and, like always when i need a place to heal, i've been back at ColdStone.
i'll never be able to express to the owner and management how much it means that they take me back, no questions asked, every time. i've said it a million times before, but this time is the last time. however, this time i have plans to be there for a very long time. it's my one true love, so far.

i cry pretty much every single day, and i really really miss my best friend.
i know that i am in the right place, that i will be okay without him, that this is the best thing for me.
but i still miss him. and i'm letting myself feel that. i think it's terribly important to feel mad when i'm mad, and sad when i'm sad. it's also important to smile too though, and i've been doing some of that as well.

the thing on my mind right now is that this isn't chaos. i'm exactly where i need to be, like this was planned in some way. there's peace that comes with that, a hopeful kind of peaceful sadness that just takes a little extra time.

if love were enough...

Today, i am numb. The past week has been a whirlwind of hard, stressful things, and part of me wants to tell everyone who asks me what's going on that it's really none of their business. I do recognize, however, that most people who ask me what's going on are genuinely concerned about me, so I've decided to give everyone a brief overview of what has been going on in order to answer questions.

Andrew and I got married on New Year's Eve. At the time, I had planned on leaving the church and was more than okay with that decision. There are a few things about Andrew that, because I wasn't planning on ever going back to the LDS church, were completely fine with me at the time. I love him with all my heart and was looking forward to a long, happy life with him.

A few weeks into our marriage, I started feeling prompted to go back to church. I brushed it off, knowing that if I went back to church, we'd eventually have little in common and our marriage would suffer for it. A couple more weeks went by and these promptings got stronger and stronger. I'd been feeling like maybe I should leave, but I was so conflicted because I really truly love him.

The week of Valentine's Day I decided to leave. We'd talked about the things I had issues with in our marriage, and he told me he would never be LDS, that though he'd support my choice in going, he wouldn't ever go, and that he didn't want any future children to attend the LDS church, unless I'd be willing to take them to other churches for variety.

He also told me he wasn't in a place in his life where he would be willing to give up the things that made me uncomfortable. That day, we decided to stay married. I would go back to church and work on devoting myself to my faith, and when the time came, he and I would have discussions about the things he did that made me uncomfortable. For a time, this seemed like a good solution.

Then, the night before my birthday, we went to a house-warming party where Andrew participated in things that I wasn't comfortable with. He took it way too far, and I knew if I didn't leave him then, I was never going to leave, and all i could think was, "Am I okay with that? Am I willing to keep myself in this situation? Am I willing to eventually put our children in this situation?"

Because I love him, I spent hours making lists of the pros and cons of staying. I made justifications to myself and my Heavenly Father why I should stay. I wasn't completely at peace with that decision, so at that point, I prayed. I prayed like I never had before. I prayed for peace and comfort. I prayed to be able to stay. I prayed for help to stop feeling like I should leave my husband. Still no peace. Finally I asked my Heavenly Father what he thought of me leaving. Instantly, I was filled with peace. I had my answer and knew what I needed to do. I told my Heavenly Father that before my decision was set in stone, I would talk to Andrew and give him a choice. If he would promise to give up the things that made me uncomfortable and at least be willing to have an open mind about the church, I would stay and try to work it out. I felt peaceful in that decision, but also knew that if he wouldn't agree to my terms, that I would have to leave.

The next morning, we had a very long talk about the things he'd done and why I wasn't okay with them and why he didn't feel like he should give them up. I asked him if he would quit those things in order for me to stay and he told me no, that he wasn't ready to do that. So I told him I was leaving. He asked me if I was really going to leave this time, and I told him I was.

It was my birthday, so he still took me out to dinner and bought me ice cream. We went home and watched some TV, and I stayed as close to him as possible, wanting to soak in every possibly minute I could with the man I love, knowing that within a few days, he would no longer be mine, and that I would have to be okay with that.

We didn't fight. Ultimately, Andrew understands why I needed to do this. He's said that he's proud of me for making such a hard decision and choosing to follow my heart. He said he'll miss me, that he'll be heartbroken over me leaving, but that it's better to go our separate ways now rather than a year from now, or even five or ten years from now when there are babies, cars, and a mortgage to consider.

I'm completely devastated. I am in love with him. He's one of the best guys I've ever met, and I'm crushed that though we're in love, we can't be together because of a religion and some selfish choices on both our parts. if only love were enough...

On Tuesday, with my car packed and my tank full of gas, I gave my husband, my lover, and my best friend, a final hug and a good-bye kiss, climbed in my car, and drove back to Utah to pick up the pieces of my heart, and to start over, again.

We'll be getting an annulment, which will make it financially and legally as if we were never married at all. It will be erased from history, except for our hearts, where we both know it happened. I can't speak for him, but I am so glad that it happened, that I was able to spend a tiny part of my life with the man that I loved, the man who took care of me in almost every single way. He's the man who loved me enough to let me go, who didn't ask me to stay because he knew that I probably would have.

Two days later, I still feel like my world is falling apart. I feel like I can't breathe. I'm barely eating, and sleeping way too much. I haven't unpacked my car, because it's too cold outside, and I'm in a place emotionally where I can't physically handle the cold. My heart is physically aching, and I'm feeling like a part of my heart has gone missing.

There are reports that when people lose a limb, they sometimes experience what is called Phantom Limb. It's where their brain can't come to terms with the fact that the limb is gone, and it caused them physical pain as their brain searches desperately for the limb that is no longer there. I feel a little like that. There's a part of me that Andrew filled that is now empty, and I have to come to terms with that. He's not here next to me, and no matter how many times I instinctively try to find his hand to hold or fall into his hug, he isn't there to catch me. It's my fault, as I'm the one who chose to leave, but that doesn't make me hurt any less or less real, it doesn't make this physical and emotional agony go away.

I'm trying desperately to see what the point of this pain is. I'm simply clinging onto the faith that through the promptings of my Heavenly Father I've done the right thing and that He will guide me through this.

So I ask that you all give me space and time to let my heart heal. I will talk to anyone who has questions, who needs help understanding this choice I've made. I would love to hear from people who wish to share supporting words and encourage me. What I don't need is judgement. I do not want to hear that I made a mistake, that I should have thought about all of this before I even decided to get married. I know all of those things already, and I'm sure that I'm beating myself up over this much more than anyone else could.

So please, just love me. Try to understand what I'm going through. If you want to talk to me, you don't have to tell me that you're sorry. You don't have to say anything at all. I know that you care, but that you don't know what to say. I don't know what to say to myself. I don't know what to do right now in any aspect of my life, with the exception that I know I'm where I need to be, and that the Atonement and Gospel of my Savior, Jesus Christ, will help me to mend my  broken heart.

I just wish that love had been enough...