sooo....i have a question.

does anyone still even read my blog?
seems like not really...

and if that's the case, i may just delete it.

a long update.

and by long, i mean...an update.
because, honestly, my life is kinda boring.

work:
comcast is great. free service is amazing.
i'm soooo bored of the training. it's stuff i know, and i'm more than ready to prove my stuff.
but the money rocks.
and i'm 3 miles away. it doesn't get better than that.

home:
nothing has changed at all.
i may acquire a tv soon. and the maintenance men are creeps.
and my bills are mostly caught up, so soon i can start to decorate my casa.

money:
i'm too poor to buy food.
or anything, really.
but, my bills are almost all caught up.
and that's a feat, all things considered.
in July, i will again be able to afford food.
it's going to be a joyous day.
i desperately need a new laptop. mine just literally fell apart. awesome. add it to the list of things i can't afford...

body:
well...my back is a mess.
i walk around like quasimodo a lot because it always hurts.
let me describe what is going on.
this picture is of a neck, but it's the same thing that's happening to my lower back:

the green is what it is supposed to look like.
the red is really bad. my back is between the second and and third picture, closer to the second.
basically, because of the way my spine is wanting to straighten out, my nerves are getting smashed and making my nerves fire at random in my hips and legs.

so, my back hurts all the time, but my nerves firing at random is also hell. it takes me awhile to stand up and get used to standing, and i can't bend/play like i was able to before.
my legs go numb a lot, and i can't sit on the floor or do any high impact activities anymore.
very much of a life changer for me, but i'm figuring it out.
i'm very determined that it will not run my life.

soul:
i'm adjusting to the city. it's a big change, but i like it. and i'm getting used to being mostly alone.
i actually really like being all alone. it's new, but i like being able to do whatever i want, whenver i want, without having to answer to anyone.
i'm not going to church because i feel like a hypocrite when i do go, though my ward here is nice and welcoming. just not where i'm at right now.
i am very much anti-relationship. i love handy manny, but i'm not sure i want to settle down now or ever. for now, he's my best friend. and i'm okay with that.
that being said, i have joined an online dating website because i need to meet people. it isn't my favorite thing, but what the heck? i have nothing to lose, and i might meet some really awesome people.

plans:
i'm absolutely going back to school. probably spring or fall of next year, depending on work/money.
i do want to be a teacher, but comcast is awesome. and may turn into a career.
i want to go to utah. but that may be awhile. on account of how poor i am.

i'm going to decorate my place.
i'm going to get in shape.
i'm going to find some new friends.
and figure out how to just be me.

i figure i'm 21. there's no rush to solve all of these things today. or even tomorrow. i'm having a good time. and things are working out just fine. good update?
i promise to be better. i miss my blog.

a slight change of plans...

my back has been bothering me for several weeks now.
specifically, it's been bugging since before i moved to Denver.
i thought it would get better eventually, but...it's gotten worse.
way worse.

it's time for a doctor visit.
i can barely walk. i can't sit on the floor. and i LOVE sitting on the floor.
my legs go numb when i'm sitting in certain positions.
and my hips and legs are getting really mad because of my back.

so, i'll do the thing i hate, aka suck it up and see a doctor. please bless it's not bad news.
although, i'm not too optimistic on this one. agony can't possibly be good.
<fingers crossed anyways.>

it's going to be a weekend with:
a big surprise.
roads. music. girl talk.
laughter.
ice cream. onion rings. popcorn.
relaxing.
DIY projects, maybe.
hot springs. possibly.
visiting. catching up. piano playing.
baking. naps.
LOVE.

this week was a week of eye-opening for me. i learned a few things:

a. i'm not the same girl i was five years ago. i've learned to love and be loved with no other requirements than that. i have scars that have faded, that aren't a big part of my life anymore. change is good, and definitely something to embrace. i'm eager to see the changes coming my way.

b. i was having a discussion about love and divorce and change. i mentioned that love doesn't really seem to be enough anymore. the reply, "love as a feeling absolutely isn't enough. love as a choice or decision is." i think that's beautiful and profound. it's so easy to nitpick and find things wrong in others. to accept those things, to love in spite of the challenges is beautiful. there's also a very fine line of when there's nothing left to do but give up.

c. i'm a giver. i love people. and i love helping people. it's something so deeply rooted in my soul, to deny someone help would be like saying i'm not Jaycie. a lot of people take advantage of that, and i've began to realize that it's okay to say no sometimes. i think it's important to give. whether that means listening as someone vents, giving them a ride so they don't have to spend two hours on the bus, or just simply smiling when everyone else looks away. i love. it's my thing, and i wouldn't want to change that at all.

:) also, a special shout-out to my very best friend James Dyer for being awesome and having his Master's degree thesis accepted. my lover is graduating and taking big steps in his life. i'm so proud!

a melancholy post.

so, i've made it a point the past year or so not to really talk about my personal life on here.
i've made it purposefully vague.
and i've been thinking about that lately.
this is my blog. and i've always been very honest with myself and others.
so, why hide here?

i'm opening back up. my heart NEEDS to open back up.
i miss me. i've been so focused on always doing/saying the right thing, and worrying more about how to survive than how to enjoy living.
things are calming down in my life, which means plenty of time for reflecting.

i've decided to have a summer just for me.
fall back in love with myself. treat myself to movies and dinner alone. read again.
take sewing back up. and baking. and learning to cook for just me or a couple people.

i want to take up running. and maybe get a little color in this skin of mine.

i've been pretty homesick lately.
i miss my parents and my siblings.
i miss my friends.
i miss my grandparents.
i miss familiar places and faces.

i got thinking about my family though. it's kind of bittersweet situation.
my dad's side is good. my grandma loves me. and a couple aunts love me. the rest thing i'm kind of a savage and laugh at some of my jokes. and mostly they love me.

my mom's side doesn't really love me. i've been disowned by most of them. sometimes i creep on facebook, and if i'm being honest, it makes me miss them a lot.

i was molested by my uncle, who was my best friend. what he did was terrible, but i don't think that necessarily makes him terrible. i don't hate him anymore. and i'm finally at a place within myself where i can admit that there are parts of me that miss him. i don't want to see or speak to him. i'm not there yet, and i'm not sure i'll ever be there. he hurt me in more ways than i probably even know.

when my family found out what was going on, everyone was outraged. a lot of people didn't believe me. but i think mostly they already knew the truth and just didn't know how to deal with that.

it's been three years since i talked to most of them. i was about to graduate when people found out that he was being charged, that i'd come forward. there was a lot of animosity, and though no one would speak to me, i eventually heard that people wanted me to drop the charges, that we needed to figure it out as a family. i didn't agree with that then, and i don't agree with it now. there are some things that can't be solved just by talking.

i stood my ground and told the truth, and i was the one hurt by it.

i'm not mad about that. i don't have even one shred of anger in my soul. i think most everyone has probably calmed down and just doesn't know what to say at this point. maybe they feel that i owe everyone an apology over what happened. maybe they're still mad, i really don't know. and maybe they just don't know what to say to fix all the broken bridges.

if i could tell them all one thing, it would be that i'm sorry. not that i'm sorry for what happened. and i'm not sorry for telling the truth. i'm sorry that they felt threatened by the truth. that our family wasn't strong enough to band together and work through something that was devastating to all of us. i'm sorry they felt like disowning me was the right thing to do, when the one thing i could have used most was love and support. i'm sorry they felt like they had to take sides. there were no sides to take. no one won. it was a horrible situation for every person, no matter how directly or indirectly they were involved.

to him i would say that i forgive him. i don't understand how or why he did what he did, but i forgive him. not for his benefit, but for mine. i can't stay mad. it's not who i am or who i ever want to be. i hope more than anything he's gotten help, that he can eventually have relationships with healthy boundaries that were missing when he was in my life. i want him to know i was never seeking justice. i was looking for honesty, for forgiveness, and for closure.

i'm sorry to his kids, my sweet cousins who were touched by this as much as-if not more-than i was. i miss them to the very depths of my soul. i miss watching them grow up, hearing them laugh, and seeing their little crooked smiles. to them i would say that i'm sorry they have to live without their dad. but, i would tell them i did it for them. so their dad could get help, and so the same thing wouldn't happen to anyone else. i hope they're happy, and that one day they can forgive me and see that i didn't do it to hurt them. if there had been a way to avoid that, i would have done it in a heartbeat...

i've heard their mom is in a better place. she's with someone who loves her and treats her like she deserves. to her i would say that i'm sorry. whether she believes it or not, i was too young to have to make those decisions. she has every right to blame me for what happened, but i wish she'd realize i was a kid. i was 16 years old, and i didn't know how to say no. i've grown so much from the girl she knew back then. i can say no now, and wish more than anything i'd have known how to say it then.

to my parents i would say thank you. for standing by me. for supporting me when it meant being just as disowned as i was. my parents are incredible, even though we don't always agree on everything. they love me anyways, and i'm so very blessed to belong to them. to my dad, thank you for teaching me to be strong. to keep going when it seems hard, and to find solutions when it doesn't look like there are any. he is the perfect example of what a husband and father should be. to my mom, thank you for giving up everything for me. your family, for one. i don't think i could possibly list everything you've sacrificed for me over the past 21 years. my first memories of you include baking cookies, and helping you take care of Jordan. we did good, didn't we? she's perfect, even though she's a bratty teenager now.

to my brothers i would say thank you for trying. they were probably the closest people to the situation, and i can see why forgiving me would be hard. i'm so very grateful that they did forgive me in whatever way they could. it's been a rough few years, but i love them. and i know they'd do anything in the world for me, no questions asked.

to my sweet baby Jordan, i would say i'm sorry you don't understand everything that's gone on. i'm sorry you were excluded from so many events because of things you had no control over. i'm sorry you had to suffer consequences that should have been mine alone. i know it's hard to love me anyways. you're my best friend. and though we fight, i wouldn't want anyone else to be my sister. i love you. and i want you to be happy. i hope you know i'm always here for you, even though there are millions of miles between us. you are gorgeous. you're truly perfect. and you deserve someone who loves every single inch of you, and who can take care of you. and in case you didn't know, that is ME! :) seriously though, you're my baby. technically you belong to mom and dad, but let's be real. you're my baby too. i have pictures to prove it.

and to all of them i'd say that i'm not mad. that i miss them. that i want to be involved in their lives, if they'd take me back. and i want them to be involved in mine, if that's what they want.

i won't make the first step though. i can't. i don't know how. and i don't feel like i should have to, because i'm not the one who walked away. i will say though, that i wouldn't be mean. i wouldn't judge. i would listen to their sides of it all. and i wouldn't have to forgive, because i already have. i understand in ways they can't possibly comprehend.

i moved to Denver to get away because i felt suffocated. now that i'm alone, i realize just how much i miss being part of a family. i've created my own little family of friends, etc. and that is good enough most of the time. but i miss the parties, the teasing, and the people who've known me longer than i've known myself.

i'm not expecting any changes, and i've come to peace with the fact that i can't change anyone. but i've changed myself. and i'm continuing to change. 
i didn't tell anyone this, but the drive to Denver was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. it was mostly silent, and i came across this song.
it brought me so much peace. there isn't one single line that i don't feel deeply in my heart.

i am moving on. i'm done with the past. and i would love to have some company on the journey that lies ahead of me. 

i hope this doesn't offend anyone. it's not at all my intention, and i tried to tread carefully through a very sensitive topic. i'm not perfect, so there's no way i could have written this perfectly. my intentions are pure, and i expect nothing in return. i just felt like i had to get a few things off my chest tonight. i tried to write this with all the love i have in my heart. i tried to be respectful, and i hope people can see that i'm trying.

 to get ahold of me, my e-mail is jayciespacie@gmail.com .

studio apartment problems. nbd.

sooo....i wrote an entire post about my place. i posted it from my phone.
and then i tried to edit it from my phone and deleted the whole thing.
but i will recreate for my lover and super hot girlfriend, ashlee adkins.

my place is a mess. perhaps i'll post pictures tomorrow of the before and after mess.
everything kind of fell apart this week. but i realized something today.

it can all be cleaned up. and it's not even that hard, once you commit.

so, anyways. i posted a hundred pictures. because i finally have plans for my place!!! yay! now, when my bank account will allow it, changes will be happening up in here.

so, without further ado, here are my plans for my squalid little studio:

i'm thinking something like this. my bed is up high now, but if i put it closer to the ground, i'm hoping it'll be less of a focal point and will help it seem more like a bedroom and living room instead of just a bedroom.

i LOVE this idea. i've already got a couple bottles lined up. just need to find some fun yard and go crazy. such a fun way to add a pop of color to my boring palette.

i have a couple tables that are a little cuter than these, but i think this would be cute. i'm thinking instead of black/brown, have a yellow/coral table. and then a pretty turqouise/lavender.

i wanna do this because i have the ugliest blinds ever. plus, i'm in the bottom corner apartment and there are always little screaming savages outside, so i don't open my windows. i don't have any lights in my main living area, so it would also be a good way to get some light in here.

instead of the weird candles though, i'd put a table with a couple chairs for a little eating area. i desperately need more seating.

and i wouldn't do brown. maybe a light blue or yellow for the curtains. that would be pretty!

i love this idea. i'll probably put it above my bed. i desperately need color, like i've said. and with some cute paper and maybe some randomly placed photos of my favorite humans, it could get really fun and cute.

this will be in my otherwise normal, girly bathroom. i feel no need to justify the fact that i'm six-years-old...

this is made out of rolled up magazines. not only is it an awesome way to recycle magazines i'd normally just throw away, but it's colorful, and kinda funky/fun. plus, no way would i be sad getting rid of it, because it would be so easy to replace. 

i have a million more ideas. just ask my pinterest. but that's a good place to start for now! :)