what the H is happening to me???

so, i went to sonic for lunch and got my usual croissant sausage sandwich, diet coke, and tots.
it tasted great, though a little bit salty.
within a half hour, i wanted to rip my intestines out.

heartbreak ruined my appetite. i started eating fruits and veggies only.
that was good.
apparently now it's all i can eat.

so....healthy is apparently my new favorite food.
i ate popcorn with m&m's the other day. it wasn't that good.
the popcorn was too salty and the m&m's were too sweet.
i wanted to trade it in for some grapes.

so, the moral to that story is...i'll just eat fruits and veggies only?
i guess my body will continue to get wicked sexy on account of i don't like food anymore...
except indian food is wicked healthy. i wonder if it would taste good to me?
i'll try that out this weekend and report back.

for now, i'm good with the lost pounds and inches that the past few weeks have brought.
i hope that will continue as i start to eat again, now that i don't feel sick to my stomach 24/7.

it's now time to watch arrested development for a bit.
then bed. so i can go play in the pool with Saemi after her nurse test.
she's going to rock it, i know.

note: i am not above soliciting friends...it's happened a few times today. i don't regret it.

i'd rather love just a little too much.

it's wonderful to fall.
let's love and risk it all.
i'd rather love just a little too much.


there's a new man in my life.
maybe it's too early to say anything, but i could really fall for this one.
unlike last time, there's just a spark. there's nothing to grow into or be one-sided with.
he is interested in me. and i'm interested back.

he is open, warm, and honest with anything i ask.
i can tell him things i don't like to open up about.

i've always heard the quote, "when one door closes, another one opens."
but this is just...wow. i don't even have words.
so far, i can't stop smiling.

who knew he'd walk in right when i gave up?
not this girl.
cross your fingers my crazy doesn't scare him away! :)

where to even start?

i've had a very, very hard week...
it started out by falling in love with my best friend. that wasn't last week, to be clear. that's been going on for a year now. only, he didn't feel the same way.
well, he did. but his feelings weren't like mine. it was like mine were neon. his were pastel.
so he started dating other girls. and found one he really likes and wants to be with.
that's when it all fell apart.

i've realized some things the past few days. you do things for people you love.
i would do anything for him, even now. but i'm not sure he'd do that for me.
i've realized i'm a placeholder for him, until someone better comes along. i deserve to be the one.
not just an option.

my heart and stomach just feel sick.
what could i have done to deserve this?
why did i fall in love with someone who doesn't want me?
what's wrong with me?
what does she have or do that's better than me?
am i not sexy enough? fun enough? smart enough?
am i not good enough?

last monday, things started to fall apart. tuesday was hard.
but i got him on tuesday night and wednesday morning.
he's been spending all him time with her ever since. and it's been killing me.
my family was here on thursday and friday, and it was great to see them.
it just sucked that i was starting to fall apart.

friday was rough.
i ate a tiny piece of pizza. then i felt sick and couldn't stand the thought of food.
i played like, 300 games of bejeweled blitz.
i worked and was kind of in a haze. i couldn't focus on anything at all.

saturday was worse than friday.
i think it was then that i realized i couldn't have him.
he doesn't want me.
to him, i'm dispensable. i'm just his friend.
i cried all day long. i ventured to walmart for food, since it's necessary for survival.
i only cried twice while i was walking around.
and then the little foreign chasier was like, "hi! how you?"
and i just fell apart. body-wracking sobs.
it was around noon, and literally all of Denver watched me fall apart.
i ate a banana when i got home. that's all i ate on saturday.
i cried on the phone at work to customers who mentioned that i sounded sad.
he brought me some of my stuff during my lunch break, and i cried.
we talked a little, and that made me cry all over.
he told me if a relationship with this girl doesn't work, we'll give us a shot.
i came home and cried myself to sleep, then had nightmares about them being together.


sunday was long. but i didn't cry as much.
i got ready and left my house. i went to REI for a bike pump and chain lube.
i had conversations with people and my voice started to sound like me again, instead of the hollow girl who took over for me on friday and saturday.
i still didn't really eat, only a banana, some grapes, and some carrots with ranch.
i cried a little at work. and then i went out with my friend Cassie.
we talked about it, and i realized i could breathe a little.

today, i only cried a few times.
i realized i'm going to get over him.
i'm going to focus on me, and love myself for a bit.
i can be his friend, and distance my feelings for him.
i can be strong for myself.
i will live.
i joined a dating website. i'm not worried about it right now, but if someone comes along, we'll see.
but when my first thought, last thought, and most of the thoughts in between are about someone else, it's probably not a good idea.
today i ate a banana and some grapes.

i have tomorrow off. i need to get my car fixed.
maybe i'll do laundry.
i might go relax at the pool, and possibly meet up with a friend for dinner. (assuming i can even eat.)
i might treat myself to a movie.
i'm picking up my friend and her husband from the airport.
and they're going to help me put myself back together.

i'm getting better. just a step at a time. that's all i can even do right now. and i think that's enough.

i'm back, i promise.

life has finally slowed down a little bit.
my bills are almost all caught up.
my job is going great.
i'm finally locked in my regular schedule.

and i'm happy.
life goes on. and everything happens just like it's supposed to.
i've really been missing my family lately.
i always take them for granted when i live close to them.
but i miss them terribly.
hopefully i'll make it home to utah soon.
it's been two months since i was home.
i haven't hugged my parents and siblings in two months.
i haven't seen my grandparents and utah friends.

but it doesn't feel like that long.
life's flying by. it really is incredible how quickly it goes.
two months ago i was unsure of so many things.

i decorated my place a little bit last night.
three months after i moved in, but hey. i wasn't ready to commit to Denver.
i'm making new friends here.
i'm missing weddings and new babies back in utah.

but i know that i'm loved. and that's good enough for right now.
i'm excited to see where the next little while takes me.
i'm making life changes for the better. and i'm feeling like i'm right where i need to be.
though i never would have dreamed this life for myself, it feels like home.

i'm going to be fine. every step of the journey is the journey.
i'm learning lessons and getting back up when i fall.
life is so beautiful. it's exciting and scary and wonderful.

i've been a little out of sorts for the past couple months, trying to sort things out.
i got so caught up in the reality of it all that i forgot to stop and breathe.

i'm back.
and i'm smiling. because it's worth it.