it was a hard week, so let's have some laughs, okay?

today was such a long day...in all honesty, it's been such a long week.

soooo ready to have some good sleep and have a couple days off.

the following videos are my current favorite youtube videos: 

(i'm a little more than obsessed...)

S*** Girls Say:

"sorry, can you just turn it down a bit?"

"what's my password?!"

"listen. listen. listen. listen."

<look of disgust> "no, you're not!"

S*** Girls Say 2:

"can i have a chip?"

"i kinda want a hot dog!"

"oh, that poor dog needs water..."

"does this taste funny to you?"

"get these chips away from me!"
"i can't believe i ate all that..."

S*** Girls Say 3:

"You're the best."

"his poop is weird, but what am i supposed to do about it?"

"and then the guy at the front desk was giving me such attitude and was like, don't you pay attention to him? and i was like, of course i pay attention to him. he's like a child, that IS my child, so shut up."

"...just to like, see if my dog is nervous, when i know that he's nervous. he's small."

"it was like, oh my gosh, what was it?"

"it sounds really gross, but it was actually really good."

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On:

"we won't fight unless we're provoked."

"i also have shoes and a face and i like that about myself."

"i hang glide on a dorito."

"my one regret in life is that i'll never have a dog."

"you know what they say...lint is a shell's best friend."

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On, Two:

"well also, my car is a bug."

"could i have a drip of water?"

"sometimes i'll just read a receipt. i like that because i like to get a feel for daily life."

"guess what i want, but i'm not gonna beg for it..."

"all he cares about is treats. treats and snoozin'. look at him. treats and snoozin'. snoozin' and treats. that's in. AHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"that's what the community calls you...i'm glad you like it, i guess."

"...i can smell his face."

Guess why I smile a lot.

Uh, 'cause it's worth it! :)

ditto, Marcel! 

the bucket list...

so, it's been a pretty crazy weekend. i've crossed soooo many things off my bucket list lately.
it's fun, just living life to the fullest, making memories, and doing things outside of my comfort zone.
i tend to get so caught up in everything else all the time, but i've been really trying to take things as they come and live life to the fullest.

it just makes me think of this song, always:

this song definitely makes it onto the list of my top favorites, ever. i think it's important to remember that things will work out the way they need to.

every single person eventually has their heart broken. everyone has their fair share of bad days. basically, shit happens. it's inevitable, but life's so beautiful in spite of all the junk.

there's no point to worrying. what's the worst that could happen? dying? well, newsflash: everyone dies eventually. why not enjoy every step of the journey and make the good, sweet moments last?

now, i'm off to the kitchen. it's time to make some yummy chicken tikka masala and naan.
i might squeeze in a little movie. i just might cross some other stuff off my bucket list as well.

it's like sweet serendipity.

taking over...

i'm very close to someone who just can't seem to get her life together. she's constantly complaining about her jobs, her husband, her adorable little kids, and everything else under the sun. she feels like she's overweight (even though she's gorgeous!) and is constantly dieting in the hopes of achieving that perfect body.

mentality seems to be, "when a, b, and c happen, then i will finally be happy."

she goes through jobs like they're candy and always quits within a few months using excuses like, "it's too hard physically," or, "you don't understand how hard it is. no one likes me and i just get yelled at." she insists that if she could just do 'this other thing,' she'll be happy. but when she gets to do that other thing, she finds a problem with it and gives up.

she diets for a few days or a few weeks, but then has a bad day and sabotages her progress.

she belittles her husband and kids, and it's hard to watch because she doesn't see it. she doesn't know much about them, but she could spout of any tidbit of celebrity gossip or update you on any of her favorite tv shows.

it's heartbreaking, really. 

i wish she could see her potential.

i wish she could see that happiness is a choice and you get out of life exactly what you put into it.

it's easy to admit defeat.

it's easy to give up.

it's easy to blame everyone else.

and it's easy to grab another doughnut.

it's easy to justify every single action.

the hard thing is learning that you're the only person who can change your life. that no one in the world cares at all whether you're happy or not, or whether you're skinny enough or pretty enough.

you have to care about yourself.

you are worth more than simply giving up when things get hard.

bad things happen to everyone. and very few people love their jobs.

husbands and kids aren't mind readers, and they definitely aren't trying to step on your toes.

they do their very best.

and you shouldn't ask for more than that.

eventually, you have to take over your life. you have to throw your middle finger to the world and say, "i'm doing this because i WANT it and i NEED it. you can try to throw me down, but i'm saying yes. i'm saying yes now. i'm saying yes tomorrow. and i'll still be saying yes months and years from now, even when it would be easier to say no."

life isn't easy for anyone. it's not supposed to be. but it sure can be rewarding. you can find happiness in the little things, and remember those as you struggle through the hard things. 

it's a choice to be happy, to be something.

and it's about time you started taking over your life.

winter...

i really hate winter. if you can even call the current weather in northern utah that.
but it's cold.
and it's dark all the time.

i can't be on my bike.
i can't lie outside under the stars.

my usually happy-go-lucky playlist has been replaced with sad, melancholy songs, and i'm getting antsy for spring, summer, heat, anything...but it's winter.

my feet are always cold.
and i'm stuck wearing clothes all the time even though i'd rather be mostly undressed.

it's the middle of january, so we've just got february, march, and probably a little of april to go.

what's brought on this train of thought, you may ask? it's pms. i'm a grouchy monster.
and i hate winter. and i want ice cream. but it's sunday, so cold stone is closed.
and these are the things that happen when i have pms.

the thing i always forget i love...

bodies.

sounds kinda weird/creepy, right? that i love and obsess over the human body.
but seriously, it's gorgeous. on MOST people. i say most because there are healthy bodies and then there are unhealthy bodies, and unhealthy bodies kind of gross me out.

for example, you can be grossly underweight or grossly overweight and i think those are weird.
however, the majority of people fit somewhere in the middle and that's perfect.

i took a ton of anatomy classes in high school, originally wanting to go to school to be a pediatric oncologist, which is short for a little kid cancer doctor. i LOVED learning about the body. bones, muscles, nerves, brains, eyes. the whole shebang! and i love it.

then, my interests changed and i took art classes. in one of my drawing classes, my professor suggested that i attend a life drawing class for some extra help and some extra credit.
of course i went.
life drawing means naked bodies.
sooooo awkward.

until my amazing professor explained that it's not pornography to look at a naked body. under conditions of medicine or art, they serve other purposes.

there is something about bodies that has always fascinated me. the fact that we're all just skeletons covered in muscles, bones, skin, teeth, and nails is amazing.
everything down to skin color, eye color, hair color/texture, stretch marks, scars, and dry elbows. i'm obsessed.

i'm slowly becoming a little less shallow as far as judging on appearances. when it comes right down to it, we all have amazing bodies that do incredible things.

the work that must have been put into it all, making sure we could bend and stretch, to lift and to pull...it all just leaves me in complete awe.
it's truly incredible, and it really just leaves me grateful to a God who created everything about me, down to my squinty, smiling eyes and my bubbly butt, clear down to toes that can pick up almost anything.

considering how much pressure i put on my body every single day, i think it's amazing that i can get by with nothing more than bumps, bruises, scratches, and tendonitis. all things that can heal over time.

it's amazing. and muscles that will remember things, allowing me to get better and better at things i set my mind to.
it's amazing. truly.

the things humans can do...it's beautiful.

my most recent purchase...it's a big deal.

every once in awhile, i find something that just completely makes me swoon. 

sometimes when i'm bored/lonely/tired, i shop online, usually for things i don't need or even really want.

while perusing the ads on ksl.com, i came across this sweet baby:

it is a pristine straight-out-of-the-70s loveseat.

well, once you lose the goofy arm covers and matching pillows...

but wait, there's more.

there are TWO of them, and for the low price of $45 dollars, they are mine!!!

i'm sure you're thinking, "Wait. Jaycie, you don't have a place...where will you keep them?"

well, good question...please bless my parents will let me keep them in the shed until i move, which will be to Denver in the spring/early summer of this year. 

i might dispose of one of them. though amazing, two might just be too much of a good thing.

and by the way, what do you even get when you have too much of a good thing? 

to my knowledge, that riddle hasn't been solved...

so, i'm thinking a retro, vintage-esque living room. 

maybe instead of the blue stuff, have that same stuff be purple since purple is my fave color? 

it's a thought. and obviously all those colors are wrong on the artwork, but it's ideas, yo! 

also, that little table thing, it's made out of mirrors, so completely reflective. 

it's gonna be AWESOME!!!

the next chapter...

You can't start the next chapter in your life until you stop re-reading the last one...

I've definitely spent the past few years re-reading the last chapters of my life, wondering if I could move on, if I'd ever be able to stand up on my own, and if I'd be able to start chasing my dreams. If I'm completely honest with myself, I've also been terrified to peek at the next few pages. I've been dependent on other people to help me make decisions, afraid I'd make all the wrong ones on my own.

No one could possibly blame me for any of that. My last chapters were very hard. Depression, being raped, cutting. I was disowned, judged, and ignored by people who should have loved me through my trials.I felt like I was alone, that I couldn't possibly rise from the ashes.

I could go on and on about my story and how hard it's been. I could also share the stories of everyone else. We all have a story to tell, and every single one of those stories contains a broken, lonely heart.

But life shouldn't ever be completely about the hard things. I truly believe that everyone's story is beautiful, that it can be filled with happiness and more love than anyone could possibly know what to do with.

You absolutely have to mourn the losses. Whether those losses are through death, break-ups, divorce, disagreements, or just growing apart, you have to be able to feel that emotion. You can be mad, you can scream. You can cry. But eventually you get to a point where the hurt fades a little, and you can smile at the beautiful moments that happened along the way.

The person who hurt me the very most knew how to make me smile and laugh better than almost anyone. I've spent the past two years focused on all the pain he caused, and it's made me forget a lot of the things that were good.

Last May, I decided to move on from those chapters, and I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can admit that I've done that, but also that I still have things to work on. It's not a race, and maybe there are things I'll never get over all the way.

But I'm getting a little bit stronger.
I can think about him without feeling hurt or anger.
I've been making my own decisions, discovering ways to stand on my own.
I don't feel a need to hide my scars, because they're a part of who I am.
I've learned to embrace my flaws, to accept them and begin to turn them into strengths.
I've fallen in love with the person who matters most: me!
I laugh way more often than I cry.
And I'm gentle with myself, knowing that some days are going to be a little harder than others.

It's important to keep looking forward, not only for yourself, but for all the lives that still need to be touched by you. You matter so much. I don't think any of us fully comprehend how much of an impact we have on the world around us.

There's always going to be a little place in your heart for all of the other chapters, and that's fine. It's just important to leave room in the biggest place in your heart for the next chapters.
You can't let the past hurts make you cynical.
You can't judge the people in the new chapters because of the hurts caused by the old ones.
You have to have hope. And you definitely need dreams.

If you keep that stuff in mind, there's no way the next chapters will let you down. Eventually you start to realize that even the ugly, hard chapters are important.

Each chapter is an important piece of an incredibly story.

WHERE THE HELL SHOULD I GO?!?!?! a list.

Sorry for the ALL CAPS, everyone. but seriously. i have NO CLUE what my next big adventure will be...
it will have to be decided at another time, however, because i'm a busy princess this week.

I, Jaycie Leishman, solemnly swear not to stress about school/moving/life until I have time to:
create massive pie charts,
dart boards,
budgets,
research,
lists of pros and cons.

this must take place while consuming disgustingly large amounts of:
cold stone ice cream treats
Totino's pizzas in Three Cheese, Triple Meat, and Supreme.
a plethora of colorful sodas.

you can bet your bottom dollar it will include:
tears,
laughter,
kisses, (please, Handy Manny?)
perhaps zombie killing,
dancing,
the sleepy kitty song,
baking,
crying,

and then finally....

making a well informed, unbiased, final decision ! :)