my little family.

the main reason it's been such a long time since i've posted is that i feel like i don't know how to share what's been going on without seeming like a monster, whiny baby, or like i'm looking for pity.

so, i will give a few updates, but let me be clear. i'm not looking for pity. i'm just writing down all the things that i've been putting off for a year.

from the time Henley was born i've wanted family pictures. if we're being honest, i truly thought Andrew and i would get back together after she came. i expected five faces captured on film, the perfect new beginning to our crazy life.

that didn't happen.
and there's absolutely no way it's happening now.

Andrew has decided to terminate his parental rights entirely. he and his kids will not be involved with Henley and i. it's a decision that he's made and one that is both a relief and a shocking, hurtful mess.

another man came along, someone i really saw myself growing old with. i planned on more babies, a porch swing, and a happy, crazy, beautiful life. abruptly that too came to a halt and i'm now back to square one, only this time i have no plans and no intentions to proceed in that area.

but i'm not going to allow any human in the world to hold back my little family, my little Henley and i.
so we had family pictures taken anyways. familys can have just two people and it's more than enough for me. my friend, Luis and his amazing wife, Katrina, gave us the most precious and perfect pictures at this, the start of our story with just us.

his photography page can be found here. (i didn't get bribed or anything, i just think he did a phenomenal job.) they're especially amazing considering Henley and i both were fairly grumpy and i was stressed out of my mind, not to mention she's a baby and babies are notoriously hard to photograph anyways because you can't bribe them or anything like that. enjoy!

 

jaycie the runner.

James, my bff, Jordan, and I ran a 5k over Memorial Day weekend.

It was the Color Vibe, a super-fun color run, then dance party.

We had a blast. It was the motivation I needed to get back in shape and find more fun ways to be healthy and active.

 before the race, with Jordan.

before the race, with James.

about to get started, some people splashed us because we were still "too clean."

 this is "wagon dad" who was pulling his kids in a wago and KILLED us. we tried to keep up with him, but he was seriously in shape.

 that's Jordan, six miles ahead of me...she basically owned this race and kicked my butt.

 but i almost caught up at the end.

photo op towards the end of the race!

 afterwards, it's a huge dance party and you get even more covered.

 before getting crazy with the dancing.

 james after all was said and done.

 jordan being cheesy.

 me, also being cheesy.

 colorful hair afterwards, she was so worried it would dye her hair. it didn't.

 new friends! :)

I had a blast. It was hard work with almost no training to speak of, but we had fun and proved to ourselves we can do hard things. Jordan said she hated it, but I think she was lying. We'll definitely be doing this again. I have a feeling it's the only fun kind of race. Without a party at the end, why even bother???

I've been missing you...

I have a soul mate.

We don't talk anymore and I miss him every time I see:

temporary tattoos.

purple water bottles.

my crazy curly hair he always said he loved.

my black glittery skirt from our first date.

mermaids.

pugs.

little boys with dark hair and big eyes.

Showtime shows.

Mumford & Sons.

Honda civics.

Front porch swings.

Maybe he'll be back. Maybe he won't.

But I still have a soul mate. And I miss him.

lately.

life right now is kind of a wreck.
97% of the time i have no idea what i'm doing.
the other 3% of the time i'm worrying that the few things that seem certain are going to disappear.

so, for the sake of being honest, i'm lonely.
i have yet to find a man who wants to date me.
baby+jaycie+utah boys=super single jaycie.

so here's a list of my tentative plans:
go to school.
keep working.
try to be a good mom.
take my kid to church so she doesn't get ruined as badly.
run a 5k on may 24th.
meet a man and try not to scare him away instantly, which is usually what happens.

that's all i've got.
it's a sad list, i know. that's because of the 97% of me that sucks.

maybe my short-term goal this week can simply be to do the laundry and make a better plan. but with an infant who really likes me, that might be pushing it.

my blog with no baby...

i have created a blog all it's own for my tiny girl. if you want an invite to read the Henley blog, let me know. i decided she gets her own blog so i can go back to writing on this one for myself.
it's always been a journal of sorts, and i've struggled this past year because it's been my pregnancy and baby tracker.
well, i've transferred all the Henley posts from this blog over to her blog and removed them here. now i feel like i can get back to writing for me.
it's a little refreshing. even as a mom, i sometimes still have unique thoughts.
it'll be good to have my blog back to myself. Henley's will probably get all the attention now, but at least i don't have to feel bad plaguing people with stories and whatnots about my tiny goose. that can be an opt-in feature, which will be nice.

so, here we go again!