Sunday, December 14, 2014

one year later.

tuesday will mark one year since my divorce. what a year it's been.
i got a Henley out of the deal and she's been the absolute best part of my life.
i wouldn't trade her for anything, nor the lessons i've learned.

divorce. i did't ever want a divorce, but that was really the only good option for me.
i rushed into a marriage that was probably doomed from the start.

i wasn't happy with myself so i certainly couldn't be happy with anyone else.

now here we are, one year later.
i've made enormous strides in my life and i'm so proud of who i am becoming.
i'm going to school and pursuing a career that will be perfect for me.
(as a sub, i already love teaching but having my class will be like, even bettah.)

i've learned to be okay alone.
i don't really date, nor do i want to.
sometimes i get lonely, but i've learned that it's important to hold out for someone who's worthy of my time and attention, someone who appreciates and loves me for who i am.
i'm not willing to settle anymore.

here's the most important part:
i'd rather be alone than be with someone i don't love and who doesn't love me back just as much.

2015 is just a couple weeks away.
that will bring some pretty big changes as well, good and bad.
we're moving into a bigger apartment.
i'm starting a new semester at school, so i'll be one step closer to my dreams.
i'll finally be getting child support. Andrew isn't going to pay willingly, so a case has been submitted to ORS and they're going to take it whether he wants to pay it or not. he's livid about it, but he has a responsibility to our daughter. if he wants to be an absent father, that's up to him. but he will absolutely financially support her. it's the least he can do.
i'm going to tackle a new adventure: CrossFit. i can't wait. literally, i'm on pins and needles waiting for the day i get to start. that takes money, of which i currently have none, but once we get some support coming in and my money from school, all will be well.

i've been itching to close this chapter of my life and i'm thrilled that it's just around the corner. it's so close i can basically taste it.

a huge lesson this year has been in standing up for myself and my baby and our life.
i have had to step on some toes in order to do it, but at the end of the day, my baby's healthy and happy and she's being taken care of. she's the priority, just like it should be.

so as the year comes to a close, i make no apologies. i'm well on my way and i'll do whatever it takes to get there. a year or two ago i was concerned with making my marriage work, about trying to be exactly what Andrew wanted me to be.

never again will i bow down to a man like i did.
my biggest fear used to be that i would end up alone. i was terrified of divorce.
well, it happened. and i lived.

i used to be so scared to hit rock bottom. i would have done anything in the world to maintain the fa├žade that i was happy, that i was okay, that my life was going in a good direction.

this time, i've started to built a foundation at rock bottom.
i've taken the time to plan things out, to learn who i am and what i want, and i'm now building and moving upward.
from where i'm at, which is admittedly still basically rock bottom, i've never been so sure of myself, my life, and where i'm going.
rock bottom has built a confidence in me which is impossible to ignore and try to contain.
i'm going places. it's taking awhile, but soon enough i will explode out of here and there isn't any stopping me now that i'm on my way.

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